Not myself, and not ready to lose support

[MamaHippo]

I'm beginning to have a hard time emotionally postpartum, and now with the DDC move I feel like I am going to feel more disconnected from the world than ever. I have never been able to get the hang of the other forum format. I am still trying to process andheal from my really bad birth experience and I feel like I havent even begun yet, and here is the only place I have found other women who aren't all telling me to 'Get Over It Because Your Baby Is Ok' and to stop being so selfish because I failed at my homebirth. I'm just getting scared all of the sudden about this closure and losing the support of having this group: . I just dont feel at all like myself. All I feel like doing is watching tv and eating. I feel like a horrid mother and a horrid wife. With DS I was a total mess from the time he wa sborn until he was over a year old, and in the first month I cried nonstop for days at a time if anyone so much as asked me how I was doing. That isnt happening now - but I just dont feel right. Is this PPD? And if it is, why did it take 3 weeks for it to show up???
I know this post will probably be moved soon..but I thought I would try before we all get scattered to the wind

[transformed]

Crashing your ddc.

I am scared I will get ppd after my new one comes. (yesterday was my edd.)

My ppd never kicked in until 6 months ppd with ds, and I think my dd was almost a year old when I got depressed!

I would get some st. johns wort and some serious vitamen B's (Like Floravital) and see if that works.

I never did anything for mine but this time I at least plan to have a plan. I am religously taking my Floravital Iron and Herbs...I think its helping me. We'll see if it works PPD.

[chrysalis]

lisa, i'm so sorry you are having PPD. yeah i think it can happen this soon. especially being sleep deprived. this is really hard on me too........way too soon. i wasn't prepared for this. come over to the new place...lets get busy there.

[Kontessa]

((((((((hugs)))))))) I wish you where in this hard situation. Support is so needed and needed not by strangers but those who are in our situations and have listened to us for so long. There is also a comfort here that I can not find in real life. Too often I would over share and friends would want to show up and try and fix things. Some things can not be fixed like that, they must be sat with and touched lightly on our time.

Sounds like PPD to me hun. No expert though, and no advice. I am so so sorry you have to go through yet more change, and of all places here.

[wwisdomskr]

, Lisa. From my understanding and my experience, PPD is actually distinguished from just the "baby blues" by starting (or continuing) after two weeks postpartum. I've always done as well as can be expected for the first 2-3 weeks and then crashed shortly after. I'm hoping things will be different this time.

Have you talked with your midwife? I know it's hard to reach out...

[MamaHippo]

Originally Posted by wwisdomskr

Have you talked with your midwife? I know it's hard to reach out...

I'm too embarassed. I feel like I was the most enormous pain in the butt while I was pregnant (emailing her all the time with my fears about getting another csection if my hbac failed, which of course it did; and myemotional stuff relating to my moms health and family conflicts; needing constant reassurance), and then I behaved terribly during my labor at home and then she had to take me to the hospital where she was treated terribly by the staff and had to listen to me begging for pain relief. I had promised myself I was not going to be a pain in the butt for her, and I was. I think she's probably very happy to be rid of me. I'm very ashamed of myself and I dont want to burden her with any more of my crap.


My house is such a disaster that my very ill mother has informed me she is coming over tomorrow to help me clean. She means only good to help me find relief because I hate my messy house, but I feel pathetic.

[GinaRae]

She's a midwife! You are not and will not be the worst she's ever had! You need and deserve help. That's the life she chose and she understands that. Give her a chance to help you!

[Ackray]

I'm sorry your having such a rough time. Could you talk to your general practitioner if you have one or a family doctor?

As for the new forum. The set up isn't all that different than here. I'll help you get used to it if you want.

Hang in there. And try not to feel bad about your house. Mine is REALLY REALLY bad and I'm so overwhelmed with the mess that I just ignore it. I think I'm going to have to pay someone to come help me.

[TulikaEma]

((HUGS!!))


One of the hardest things I ever had todo was ask for help with my (regular old non PPD) depression. I, too, felt like I was a burden with my problems--to the counseler I consulted, to my doctor, to my friends and family who helped me and most especially to my DH. I am still being treated for depression, and still lean on my hushand a lot to help me through it--mut its so much nocer to be healing than to be struggling with the disease. Your MW became a MW so she could help women through the birth process. I empathize with your embrararrasment over asking for help...I would feel the same way--at the same time, though, your MW is there to help you and shoudl do so without any judgement. You are not a woman pushing burdens on others--you are a mom who needs a little help from a professional who knows how to help you--please, please feel like you deserve to turn to her for help.--and us too--that's what we are here for!

[Grace24]

I agree with the PP, talking to your midwife about the birth might help. I got a lot out of talking to her, and then to her assistant this evening, and it helped me know that we were in an unworkable situation and my C-section was the right thing to do. Don't worry about bothering her! That's her job, she needs to talk to you about it and help you process. I'm sure you're not the first who wants to talk about what happened in their birth!

[melissakc]

Oh, hugs! One of the signs of PPD is feeling that you are undeserving of help, support, and understanding. Please reach out to your MW. Her job is to take care of women during a tough time, when we say things we don't normally say and do things we don't normally do. Labor takes you to another place mentally and physically. I compare it to dreaming--you don't blame yourself for dreaming whatever you dream.... Don't blame yourself for how you "behaved" during labor. Be kind to yourself and please reach out for support. You deserve it! You are not a crappy mother or wife! You are going through enormous changes, that's all.

Oh, one more thing--my doula explained the hormonal changes that happen PP as a stair-step effect (if you are BFing) rather than a steady plummet (if you are not BFing). She said there are specific times when the hormones take a step down and you will experience crying, sadness, depression, etc. 3 weeks is a big one. I definitely felt that one! OMG, I cried all day for two days. The last big step is at 6 months. So these hormonal changes will keep happening for a while and it's really important to have a support system in place so you can weather them.

Hope to see you at our new forum!

[renaissanceed]

Many hugs. The transition from pregnant to having a child, from one child to two, from all the things we hoped and dreamed for in our birth to what actually happened - all these things are hard, but put all together - you have so much to process, and the hormones and sleep deprivation do not make an ideal situation to get a handle on this.

It sounds like you may well have PPD - and like many other posters have said, your midwife is there for you to talk to her about this sort of thing. If not her, can you see your GP.

Be gentle with yourself mama, and give yourself time. But also try to get any care that you can, because in a situation like this, you deserve support from the medical community.

[De-lovely]

Big hugs mama......please please call yuor midwife. I hope you will take time to come hang out at the new forum. We would miss you!! Please be gentle with yourself-you are NOT a failure but you dont have to get over it either mama. We are here for you. Let us know if we can do anything to help!!!

[*Melissa*]

I'm also crashing your DDC...

First off, hugs to you after your disappointing birth experience.

Second - I had some rough PPD after DS was born - and it kicked in about 3 weeks afterwards. Unlike you, I *did* ask for help... and no one helped. It was horrible - like dealing with rejection on top of depression and insecurity about being a mother.

If you feel like you can't talk to your midwife (and I understand where you're coming from because I was a huge PITB with mine and feel like I drive her nuts) then get help from someone ... talk to a counselor if you can - especially if you can find one that is trained to work with PPD. They are specifically trained to not make you feel like a bad mother no matter how badly you do - and I know I did. They don't judge you, but work with you to get you back to normal.

My life is a 180 from where it was a year ago - even though it took me until DS was 10 months to get help. In the meantime, I was barely functioning and it only got worse. There are people out there who can help you, please reach out to them.

Here's a good link to find someone in your area:
http://www.postpartum.net/

You're a wonderful, competent mother. Take care of yourself!

[*Lindsey*]

nak

you're not alone, Lisa. please call your mw so you can start feeling better.

my house is a mess, too, and it makes me :, but i can't do more than humanly possible. remember that taking care of your babies is the #1 job.

[transformed]

You never know when the person you are reaching out to (midwife) may have been through some deep depression herself.

When I was struggling and decided to reach out-I found out my MW struggles all the time with depression too.

[monocyte]

big hug coming your way.

You've made the start by reaching out to us, so keep going and find a practitioner who will listen.

I've been in similar shoes, its not a fun walk. Hang in there mama, you have us to always talk to.

[wwisdomskr]

You are not a burden, Mama, and you deserve support. Your midwife chose her life's work to walk "with women." Her call to be there for you did not end at your birth.

We are here for you...and I hope that you will also seek out the local help that you need.

[GinaRae]

Originally Posted by melissakc

Oh, one more thing--my doula explained the hormonal changes that happen PP as a stair-step effect (if you are BFing) rather than a steady plummet (if you are not BFing). She said there are specific times when the hormones take a step down and you will experience crying, sadness, depression, etc. 3 weeks is a big one. I definitely felt that one! OMG, I cried all day for two days.

OMG 3 weeks was TERRIBLE!!!!! I thought I was going to lose it. Still hormonal and had a meltdown this weekend, but MUCH better now at 4+ weeks.