S/O Raising your kids with a sex-positive attitude

[journeymom]

There's a really interesting conversation going on over on Parents as Partners:

http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=808622

Someone brought up raising kids with a sex positive attitude. Do you try to do this? How? What do you do?

(I try to do this and will talk about it later.)

Cross posted with Childhood thread.

[Meg_s]

I definitely will when my kids are big enough, and I tried to encourage it with my little sisters... as my parents refused to talk about anything sexual. With my kids I'm sure it will be different because they're boys, they're coming at it from a different angle. My sisters... it was more along the lines of sex being natural and beautiful, but with a lot of caveats. SAFETY in all respects, respecting your body and yourself and understanding that what drives your desires for sex and what you want out of it are not the same as the young men around you, and understanding that a lot of them are willing to lie and make you think things just so they can insert penis into vagina and that is IT for them.. it's nothing more, because as much as we love our own boys it's true that many young men think it's ok to lie about feelings to get sex, encouraging self exploration and being responsible enough to insist that sex is about mutual pleasure, rather than her doing things to win approval from him.

[journeymom]

I'm not sure if what I have in mind is possible. I kind of want to encourage my daughter to enjoy herself sexually and to grow up thinking it's fun, a positive thing. But I don't think I can actually do anything, other than model a happy and affectionate relationship with her dad. Which we do.

I'm still thinking on this...

[UnschoolnMa]

We have always tried to discuss sex in a positive way. I think it's extremely important for kids to have that influence, especially with how messed up our society is wrt sexuality and gender. The kids know they can come to us with any questions at all and they will get an answer. If I don't know the answer then we will do find info together .

Some things there isn't an "answer" for though. Or at least not just one answer. That is where talking is so so helpful. We talk about sex often around here, and we also joke about it in silly ways. We all have our own personal beliefs regarding sexuality, and I don't expect that my kids' will match my own 100%. I do hope that they will be influenced in a positive way by me though, and that my attitudes and information will help them make good decisions and seek healthy sexuality in whatever form.

[journeymom]

We talk about sex often around here, and we also joke about it in silly ways.

Yes, this. I noticed that when we were hanging with this couple we are close to they're able to joke about sex and sexual stuff, even with their teenagers. I get embarrassed about joking around just with adults. I grew up thinking talking about sex, and definitely joking about it, just wasn't appropriate.

Still thinking...

[barbara73069]

I try to be this way

I've always felt that sex is something that should be treated as part of human nature and I've always hated that sex has such a negative connotation. I've always talked to my daughters how "making love" can be a wonderful experience when shared in a loving committed relationship. I would never encourage my kids to have sex but once they do it...it's a shared experience that can deepen and broaden a relationship in a positive way. JMO, Barb

[butterfly_mommy]

I am currently pregnant so have many years to think about this. I do believe however that being sex positive starts from infancy in terms of calling body parts what they are, answering questions honestly in an age appropriate way, showing affection between parents, etc

I am very curious about raising a teenager and am a bit nervous. I had a really rough teenage years and not much parental support involvement.

Anyway I was wondering about how mothers of teenage girls feel about talking to their daughters abut masturbation and and about using toys to help enhance the experience? It wasn't till I was in my mid twenties and married that I actually experimented with any sex toys. When I was a teen I remember using some potentially dangerous/unhygienic objects to heighten my self exploration experience and I don't want my daughter to do that. Not to mention that are some wonderful toys that are really high quality and made with safe materials and then there are the cheap crappy toys that are made with the same stuff they make recalled toys from! I want my daughter to have access to good quality stuff. Any thoughts on this? Anyone been down this road and have purchased their daughters sexual aids? Or at least had discussions about self exploration etc?

As a side note on having a sex positive home my sister has two girls 11 and 7 and she is very open with them. Her 7 year old came home from school a few weeks ago and asked her mom "Mom does dad stick his penis in you?" My sister answered matter of factly "Yes, sometimes he does" she answered "eww, gross" and then went to play

[sapientia]

:

[motheringforme]

This answer will probably be different from most. I think you can be sex positive while teaching your children to wait. My beliefs about sex stem from the Bible, so I believe premarital sex is wrong. I still will be very open with my children. I want my teens (a long way off) to feel comfortable discussing anything with me. I will talk about sex, including protection, proper terminology, consequences, and the joy! My children will know that I will always love them even when they make mistakes. The Bible is very sex positive, it just has guidelines. The Song of Solomon is quite explicit. I think my husband's favorite verse in there is something about a lover enjoying the woman's breasts, while I am fond of the verse that talks about the man going down to his garden to taste the delicious fruits! My hsuband and I are reading a good book right now called Sexual Intimacy in Marriage. It discusses anatomy, the sexual response, and a Biblical view of sex. It even has an entire chapter devoted to orgasm. Those are my beliefs.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by journeymom

I'm not sure if what I have in mind is possible. I kind of want to encourage my daughter to enjoy herself sexually and to grow up thinking it's fun, a positive thing. But I don't think I can actually do anything, other than model a happy and affectionate relationship with her dad. Which we do.

I agree.

I also think if kids see their parents staying together and being happy with one another in front of them it will help them to see that it takes having a commited, sincere relationship in order to trust someone to give yourself to them completely. I was in a home where my dad cheated on my mom excessively and so that was my role model of a man/woman relationship. My mom didn't give him what he wanted (or so thats how I saw it as a kid) and so I wasn't going to be HER. If I wanted to get a man and keep him then I very well better get on the ball and start enticing boys with my body at a young age and do what they wanted me to do sexually and that's exactly what I did starting at age 15. I regret it totally. My upbringing was a totally crappy role model for me. Then add on the peer pressure of those around me telling me to have sex.

[SJane01]

We have done similar. We have de-sexualized nudity in our home. All 3 of us are comfortable seeing any of us undressed, and it probably happens once a week or so. 14yo DS showers in our bathroom while we get ready for work every morning and is not embarrassed or worried about stepping out of the shower, grabbing a towel to wrap around himself and going to his bedroom to get dressed.

We have also visited several nude beaches as a family over the past 2 years.

We are teaching him that if he wants to have sex with another person, that he needs to follow a decision making process to see if it is not only what is right for him but his partner. He's only recently entered puberty, and we've asked that he wait until things are more akin to adult body parts, but we have not made him feel like he cant do anything or would feel shamed to do anything.

Thankfully he's chosen to not yet do anything other than simple exploration with a friend to this point.