I want to feel better. How?

[Mrs.aLifeofReilly]

I just want to feel 'right' and I haven't in a while. MH and I were discussing how I feel the other day and he said he sees things in my behavior that are like his ex girlfriend who was bipolar.

I was diagnosed with depression in the past. Went on meds for a while but they made me feel worse - the best thing ended up being just counseling and no meds. I had a few diagnosed episodes of depression and a few more that I didn't seek help for. Depression runs in my family, and at least one of my relatives was bipolar (one diagnosed, others possible but never diagnosed).

Now I'm married to a wonderful man, with a beautiful little baby...and I'm not happy. I can't get anything done. I'm a stay at home mom and I really do want to clean up my house and get things done that I need to...but I just can't. MH is being very understanding but sometimes out of the blue I just get so pissed off at him and I end up yelling at him and blaming him for things that aren't his fault. I really can't describe the feeling, but it is like I have to get mad and yell at someone, even over very silly things. It is even worse with my mother who is also very moody - we just clash so much.

I'm terribly impulsive at times - not in a physically harmful/dangerous way, but more bad for us economically. I am good at getting 'ideas' of how I can help contribute to the household income (usually crafty things) and go online and buy everything I need to get started (usually lots of $$). We are trying to save for a house and it isn't going so well. I rationalize spending because it is to make more money - but it never works out the way I plan. Sometimes I impuslively purchase other things too, and they just sit around and clutter our house that I can't find the motivation to clean and organize.

Also, I have a lot of anxiety about unlikely, 'silly' things but they really bother me. I have an overactive imagination that likes to run away with the 'what ifs' (really, how likely is it that the outlet next to my son's crib will spark and catch the crib in fire...my son doesn't even sleep in his crib...but what if he did and that happened..he could get hurt, he could die..we'd have to have a funeral..a coffin...how could I ever get through that...it would be my fault because I worried about it and ignored my worry - and other similar crazy rambling worries)

I want to feel better. I want to be happy in my marriage and I don't want my son to grow up seeing this behavior. I don't know what is wrong with me or how to fix it.

Where do I go from here? How do I get help/evaluation/diagnosis? If it does in fact end up being a mood disorder like bipolar - can it be controlled without meds? I'm breastfeeding and really don't want to stop so soon. If I am diagnosed and refuse meds will someone try to take my baby away?

[velcromom]

Originally Posted by Mrs.aLifeofReilly

Where do I go from here? How do I get help/evaluation/diagnosis? If it does in fact end up being a mood disorder like bipolar - can it be controlled without meds? I'm breastfeeding and really don't want to stop so soon. If I am diagnosed and refuse meds will someone try to take my baby away?

Most insurance plans I've had are structured that you get a referral to see a therapist then they'll set an appt. If you call the advice line you don't need to explain much to them just tell them you are having some symptoms of depression and would like to see a doctor. They'll get you started.

Some people do well with non-med therapies, some do meds for a while then stop to do something more natural once they feel more stable, some find they do need the meds for a more long term treatment.

There are quite a few options for bf moms on antidepressants now. Check with Dr. Hale's site or book "Medications and Mother's Milk" to find what is safe for bf moms. Many drs aren't aware of his research and will simply tell you to stop; 99% chance you won't have to though.

I seriously doubt anyone would consider taking a child away from a mom who is caring and aware enough to seek treatment. It's your decision what treatment to accept. I know of moms who were hospitalized and they returned to their families after they were released & their babies were not taken anywhere, but it doesn't sound from your post like you are anywhere near that whatsoever.

[elizaMM]

Your symptoms do sounds like classic depression, anxiety, and a little hypomania. Often if someone has bipolar, an antidepressant can bring on the mania, so they need to be treated for something specifically for bipolar.

I totally know where you're coming from: wanting to be better, nicer, more productive, and not having the ability to be that. Its so great that you are acknowledging that something is not right and pursueing solutions.

I tried treating my depression with SJW, Kava, counseling, meditation, Valerian, cognitive behavioral activity books, and I'd say only the SJW and counseling helped a little. Medication helped 30 times as much. Its really amazing and I ended up wishing I had tried it years earlier. It does sometimes take some patience though, to find the right med(s). Having a baby is stressful and given the commonness of ppd, it makes sense that it could trigger some bipolar tendencies. Maybe you just need some help through the transition time, then you can go off the med(s) and be more self-sufficient.

Like the PP said, there are things you can take while you're breastfeeding. Go to a psychiatrist (best) or a regular doc (sometimes easier) and talk to them. If they think all psych meds can't be taken while breastfeeding, have them pull up Dr. Hale's Medication & Mother's Milk on Amazon.com. They can search the TEXT of the book. (Awesome!!) and see what he has to say about each medication. You might also want to bring up withdrawal from meds; Dr.s don't always consider the potentially very difficult time patients might have in the future getting off medications. I don't know much about bipolar meds but with the antidepressants, typically a shorter half life means its harder to go off of them. This is'nt a reason to not take a med at all though. If you need it now, take it. You can deal with the rest later.

Social Services/Child Protection knows that children do best when they stay with their family. I highly doubt pursueing non-med solutions to your problem would be seen as reason enough to take your child. But I'm sure it depends on the local culture. Even if you were completely off your rocker, they should see if daddy can be responsible for the LO. And it doesn't sound like you are near that.

Good luck! There IS hope!! I know you'll find something that helps.

[jlutgendorf]

Have you felt worse since the birth of your son? Have you looked into PPD?

It wouldn't explain your depression prior to his birth, but it may explain part of how you're feeling now.



~Julia

[angela&avery]

I dont know if you have seen my post about the dog? But, I just called a therapist in the area that I looked up online and it said she took my insurance, so i called her. We talked and set up an appointment and she told me to just ok it with my insurance, so i called htem.. they didnt ask me anything about why.. they just said ok you have 20 visits for the year, your copay is this... they asked me for my insurance numbers, some info about my husband (bc its his insurance) and they asked me the therapists name.. and that was about it!