In-laws x-mas gift-vent! - Page 5

[lisalou]

Originally Posted by Jennisee

Many times, I've thought about starting a thread about this very subject. Of course, it's the thought that counts, but what about when that thought is meant to be insulting, passive-aggressive, sneaky, dismissive, etc.? How exactly does that thought "count" in our lives? For example, I have a MIL who flat-out told me that she likes giving loud, messy gifts to children because she thinks it's funny to upset the parents. Yes, funny to upset the parents.

The thing is getting upset about the gift in front of them and being rude about it is giving them exactly what they want. It's not like someone like that is giving you the gift b/c they think you'll like it they want to see you get upset. Like everything in life you have to choose your battles. To me I wouldn't want to give the satisfaction to someone like that. I'd rather be the bigger person, receive the gift graciously and then take it back or dispose of it by some other means.

[mamaw/two]

I have been shocked to read how many people posted that I "threw a fit" about this present! I quietly asked MIL and FIL is I could speak with them, when we were in private I thanked them for the thought behind the gift , but said I could not except it because I feel very strongly that I do not want my children to have this gift. The kids never even realized that they had not recieved a present from inlaws and none of the other grownups that were there even knew anything had happened. Another thing is that I wrote in my op that I feel strongly against these huge motorized cars on so many levels, yes, safety is one of the top reasons, but I have lots of other reasons too. I realize that lots of you have these kind of toys for your children and love them, but I do not approve of them. Think how you would feel if something you were strongly opposed to was given to your children. I have felt strongly against these since before I had children, my dh has known how I felt about this since before we were married. If I would have accepted the gift and given it away or sold it later, inlaws would have been asking about it and wanting to see the kids on it when they visit. Their feelings would have been more hurt if I snuck around behind their back, than if I was upfront and honest about such an expensive gift. One of the reasons I feel so bad about this, is because I really don't feel right about asking someone to return a gift, but I don't see that I had any other option.
Also, it is very true that there is a power struggle going on with myself and mil. Last year at x-mas, she was nice enough to ask dh about a gift she wanted to buy, he said that it wouldn't work for us. She then asked me and I said the same thing. She bought the gift anyway, we accepted it, and it now sits in the basement. She asks the girls about it regularly and they are upset with me because of it!
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[Zach'smom]

You handled the situation well. Much better then some people would!
Your mil put you in a really difficult situation by purchasing a gift for your daughters that she knew you were against. You had 2 choices in a situation like this. 1- Take your mil aside and tell her she can't give that to your kids. 2- Let her give it to the kids and then take it away from them and get rid of it after Christmas. Then your kids are upset because you are taking their new toy away that Grandma gave them.
I would go with choice 1 myself.

[425lisamarie]

I think you are back stepping a little here....and I dont' really think you painted the exact picture you are describing now

[PabloHoneySF]

OP- I just want to offer my support to you.. Honestly I think you were probably more gracious than I could have been. I'm not sure why anyone would debate you on the safety of the vehicles. The point is you don't want them in your house or yard. End of story.

(My 2 cents is that I wouldn't want them either- I think they're nasty and unsafe as well- I don't give a darn however someone wants to "reason" with me that they're "fine").

As other people have said, there are definitely bigger issues with your IL's. I have clashed with my MIL as well and the only (best) way that it's been handled is by my DH supporting me and talking to her directly when she hasn't wanted to listen to me.

Good Luck to you

[aniT]

Originally Posted by mamaw/two

I did tell inlaws that I didn't approve of those cars when we walked by them in WalMart a few monthes ago and I told them my reasons. I would have been absolutely thrilled if they had bought a wood kitchen or any kind of playstand! I am not taking issue with the gift because of who it came from, even though I do have issues with them.

I haven't read past this post. However since everyone seems to be jumping on the OP I just wanted to jump in and give her a .

I think this is more about your IL's respecting your wishes with your family than it is so much about this toy.

You told MIL you did not what your children to have this type of toy and she ran out and bought it anyway. This type of disrespect I cannot take. Refusing the gift is the right move to make. If you accept it then your MIL will just continue with this type of behavior. You need to make her know that you mean business. If you say no, then you mean no!

It has take me 10 years but I finally think my MIL has got the picture.

[mamaw/two]

I think you are back stepping a little here....and I dont' really think you painted the exact picture you are describing now

You are wrong. I am describing what happened and how it made me feel. After reading everyone's posts, I tried to clarify a few things that people seemed to misunderstand. Nothing has changed and I am not back stepping in the least!

[mamaw/two]

I haven't read past this post. However since everyone seems to be jumping on the OP I just wanted to jump in and give her a .

I think this is more about your IL's respecting your wishes with your family than it is so much about this toy.

You told MIL you did not what your children to have this type of toy and she ran out and bought it anyway. This type of disrespect I cannot take. Refusing the gift is the right move to make. If you accept it then your MIL will just continue with this type of behavior. You need to make her know that you mean business. If you say no, then you mean no!

Thank You! You are right that I was upset and looking for a little support when I posted!

[Breeder]

I know how you feel. My In-laws constantly purchase guns and loud battery operated toys although I've been saying "Please do not buy my son any guns or noisy or battery operated toys. I don't think guns are an appropriate toy for a child, my child doesn't enjoy loud noises and prefers things he that are kid-powered." Since he was 1 year old. And yet every year - there they are.

It doesn't matter WHY you don't want you kids to have them the point is you don't want YOUR kids to have them. You are their parent and along with your DH, it's your job to decide what's right for your family.

It's extremely rude to directly go against someone's wishes for their own children.

[Mandala126]

Just writing to offer my support. Same issues with MIL here. You handled the situation a lot better than I would have. I usually have DH deal with MIL and he does but guess what... it doesn't help. She buys stuff I don't want anyway. Her excuse "I just had to get it, it was cute. I couldn't help myself."

[mommymarliah]

FWIW I think you handled it well.

My MIL has a chronic bad habit of buying the things she knows I don't want the kids to have and it p*sses me off to no end. Things like movies (when they aren't supposed to watch tv, this will no longer be an issue because we are going tv free so she can buy them all she wants but no tv means they aren't watching them). Buys them made in china crappy plastic toys, when she knows we are waldorf leaning, buys them pajamas with flame retardants even though I can't use them on my kids, and on and on and on.

I am honestly surprised that so many are attacking you on this one.

The whole "be grateful she acknowledges the kids at all" thing is rediculous. Its better to not have a grandmother acknowledge the kids at all then to have them constantly undermine the parents! Trust me I know. I no longer talk to my mother, and I have a MIL that fits this description to a T. I prefer not talking to my own mom over the constant undermining of my MIL.

Christmas is not a time to try to make a point and undermine mom and dad in front of the grandkids. : yet it seems thats what alot of grandparents like to do.

I told everyone this year we didn't want gifts we just wanted people to spend more time coming to visit....but as usual no one hears a word I say. I did however along with that letter send a list of appropriate gifts and let them all know things that don't fit our child rearing philosophy will be donated to the goodwill the day after Christmas

Anyway, I feel ya, and I think you handled it well. All the people who are giving you a hard time have obviously not had to deal with super controlling and relationship undermining inlaws.

*hugs* to you.

[Cheshire]

Originally Posted by wasabi

Nope. Just reread the first post to check even. She didn't bring up the safety issue and how her child was going to try to drive the van etc until later when people suggested it wasn't the car; it was the way it was done etc. As I said she was muddying the water by suddenly bringing up safety when before it seemed her chief gripe was that she wanted to buy a car and that she was going to have to supervise them. I'd be angry too. I'm saying that's what she should focus on. The fact that she's angry with her DH and her MIL. It's the lack of respect not the toy that is the problem. And she doesn't have to ask for rebuttals. As far as I know respectful disagreement is allowed in all threads except those in support forums.

I'm not sure what Emily Post would say. Given the circumstances I think Miss Manners (my ettiquette doyenne of choice) would allow her to cheerfully and politely decline the gift since it had already been expressly refused. She doesn't have to have the reason to not want the car. I'm just saying throwing up sort of specifious reasons only when people objected weakens her argument. Just say no we don't want the car. I never said she shouldn't. I did question whether it was the car or the fact that MIL upstaged her but that was before she had clarified and yes I do object to the idea that her dd is going to try to drive the car because I think it makes her look silly when she should be focusing on the real issues.

I'm sorry but I really don't see anyone yelling or flaming. And it's odd because I've seen far more contentious threads where no one was claiming flames for simple disagreement.

Sorry to respond so late - I've been away from the computer since Wednesday. From her original post:

I looked out and saw a big battery operated four wheeler, with two seats. My girls are 3 years old and almost 6 years old. I have felt strongly against these battery operated cars for years and have always said I would never allow my kids to have one. I can see so many problems and injuries that could result. I told in-laws how I felt and said the girls couldn't have it. MIL said she thought it was appropriate, I would just have to supervise.

She does say that she sees problems and injuries - in my book that means safety issues.

I never brought up flaming. It was just a surprise to see so many question her motives and reasons. In my response I was simply trying to state that her reasoning doesn't matter. She has the right to refuse the gift and her MIL shouldn't get in a snit about it (and her dh needs to be the one to handle his parents).

Why do those that like the cars and don't see any problem with them feel the need to argue with her about her choices? When I posted, it seemed that those who disagreed with her not wanting to accept the gift wanted to question her more than give her advice.

Disagreement is fine. I just wanted her to know that I was one that agreed with her.

[425lisamarie]

Originally Posted by mamaw/two

You are wrong. I am describing what happened and how it made me feel. After reading everyone's posts, I tried to clarify a few things that people seemed to misunderstand. Nothing has changed and I am not back stepping in the least!

Well if they really are that awful then I'm sorry for you. I know how it is with the inlaws, it's a tough one. I would just continue to be the "better person" in the situations and limit exposure if it's a negative environment they bring. I mean if it comes down to it you could always tell them "my way or the highway...."and really if you are trying really hard to make things good between all of you and they refuse, then there is nothing wrong with making such a statement.

People can use things to be manipulative, like kids and I think it's disguisting. It always seems to be one set of grandparents and that is too bad because they are only hurting themselves.

Sorry if you felt threatend by this converstaion OP

[root*children]

I think you did absolutely the right thing - the toy in question really seems to not matter, IMO. Your MIL is acting very innappropriatly. I have played out that same situation with my MIL many many times.

The only solutions I have come up with (7 years of dealing with it now), are returning the item - not behind grandma's back - they ask how the kids like the widget and I said I returned it b/c I prefer them not to have toys like that for some short consise reason (sometimes real, sometimes I just make up a reason b/c they don't understand my reasoning anyhow! like). The only other solution that has worked fairly well is to not celebrate Christmas with them at all. No early Christmas, no late Christmas, no family on Christmas (except our own ).

But, see, it still bites me in the butt! We just had our hardwoods refinished and needed a place to stay for a few days, and the inlaws were begging to see the kids. So, i stupidly took them there. One day, I went out and MIL took the kids to Walmart to get ideas for their Christmas gifts (since the list I had worked 6 months on compiling obviously was wrong ). She then snuck out the night before we left, bought gobs of junk, snuck back in the house to wrap it and then put it in our car. WTH! I just don't understand it, really. They know I pre-open their gifts, so why even bother with the junk?? hmmm...

My MIL is perhaps like yours and has actually told me that the best way to show her love to the grandkids is to buy them gifts! yikes!

[SillyLilStinkweed]

My ex-MIL buys my kids used items. I go to thrift stores all the time. I don't know which store she shops at, but the toys and clothes are just horrible! She sent my 6 month old dd used underwear, size 3T with stains. Easter crap, when it's not easter. Did I mention this woman has plenty of $? She bought me a granny nighty, used, it was velvet, long sleeved, went clear down to th floor and buttoned clear p to the neck. My ex-h is 5'10 160 lbs. She bought him used pants for a 300lb man! We each fit in one leg! Sometimes there aere a few good tings in there. Truly it's like giving comedy as a gift. Although one year she surprised me with the most beautiful, unstained, natural wooden toy bench.

[MommytoTwo]

wow who would have thought this little post could spark such a thread?

To the OP - You have a big problem w/ your husband, not your ILs. Your DH should have spoken up and not made you the bad guy.

I agree that gifts should be accepted graciously but what on earth can you do with a huge thing like that. We have one, it was given to us by someone whose kids outgrew it, and I HATE it. it sits outside, it gets dirty, the cover blows off, the battery dies and has to be recharged (or replaced at $75) and we are getting rid of it. I know that if my ILs gave the kids something like that and then later on we sold it or whatever, they would have a FIT. They would much rather hear right then and there that we cant accept for whatever reason.

[aniT]

Originally Posted by SillyLilStinkweed

My ex-MIL buys my kids used items. I go to thrift stores all the time. I don't know which store she shops at, but the toys and clothes are just horrible! She sent my 6 month old dd used underwear, size 3T with stains. Easter crap, when it's not easter. Did I mention this woman has plenty of $? She bought me a granny nighty, used, it was velvet, long sleeved, went clear down to th floor and buttoned clear p to the neck. My ex-h is 5'10 160 lbs. She bought him used pants for a 300lb man! We each fit in one leg! Sometimes there aere a few good tings in there. Truly it's like giving comedy as a gift. Although one year she surprised me with the most beautiful, unstained, natural wooden toy bench.

Ugg.. That sounds like MY MIL. I finally got it to stop however. I told her I give all the clothes to the clothes closet and throw away the toys. My kids have enough crap they don't need someone else's used crap. So she now knows that if it doesn't have tags or isn't in a package I will toss it so she doesn't send it.

I mean seriously, who wants a strangers old underwear or hair products. Gross.