how much do you and dp agree on parenting?

[cabo]

I would really appreciate some input and your thoughts here.
How much alike are you and your partner's philosophy on childrearing?

Me and DP are still in the planning stage. We settled the who is conceiving (me), the donor / insem question, childcare and even picked names.
What we don't seem able to agree on, is how much to attachment parent, lets say the crunchyness factor in our family-to-be.
e.g.
Last week we were out in a restaurant and there was a woman sitting next to us nursing her child (about 6 months old I guess) and my DP commented how inapproprate that was. I was like We almost spoilt our evening fighting over some unknown woman's BFing.
She doesn't want a homebirth. We also get into debates on cosleeping.
When my godchildren where younger and stayed over a lot we used to cosleep and my DP often got really irritated and crancky "about the ruckus" with a child in bed. She often thinks that I am too soft, when I use gentle discipline with the little ones.
She's really great with kids, they love her, I am positive that she and I will make a great set of parents. But she just isn't into AP *whine*.

To what extend would you compromise what you belive in?
Do you even have this kind of different believes?

Since I will carry the child I feel bad to pressure my childrearing views on her, I don't want her to feel that she has less say or that her opinion is wrong, but then again I do feel strongly about those things...

Is it crazy that I am concerned about this before we even ordered the little swimmers?

[Diane B]

Originally Posted by cabo

Is it crazy that I am concerned about this before we even ordered the little swimmers?

No. This is just the sort of thing you should discuss. However, I wouldn't look at this as a discussion you are trying to win (i.e. convince her that you are right.) You are going to be a team, and will each have things to contribute and learn. Perhaps you could start by reading a couple of books together and discussing what you like and don't like about each approach. I would head over to the Gentle Discipline forum and pick a couple off of their sticky list. Goodness knows, you won't have time to read once your kid is here!

If you have certain absolute non-negotiables (like no spanking, for instance) I would bring that up, but in a way that responds to her concerns too. I think a lot of times, folks either haven't thought through things all the way, or they are worried that, for example, not spanking=no discipline, or no CIO=clingy overly dependent child.

If you can come to some shared values about what kind of child you want to raise, I think you can probably tolerate some level of difference in the methods you use to get there. You will still be on the same page, you know? I also think that conversations about how you each were raised as a child can be really helpful.

Finally, I would encourage you to maintain a flexible spirit. Breast feeding is not always possible. Some children hate being in slings of any kind. Lack of sleep drives even the most committed parent to an occasional half hour of Baby Einstein videos. You great aunt Sally is probably going to spoon your child a mouthful of food before you think it's appropriate. You may have a child with special needs of some kind that require things you never imagined. But if you keep your shared goals and intentions in mind, I think it's easier to roll with what happens.

[Frannyo]

I agree with Diane but that said, our rule was whoever carries the baby gets to have the baby and/or breastfeed as they choose to do so. So my wifey had to squat down on the floor with me and play push-me-pull-you for our daughter's unmedicated birth, and has had to watch me nurse pretty much everywhere we go, with no comment. (She would have totally gone the epidural/bottle route, just because that's more her style. That's part of the reason I chose to carry the kid.)

The parenting part that's non-bio is where we both have a say. She's the Daymommy, staying home with our kid, and I work. I'm sure the TV is on a lot more than I'd like, but I don't push it, I'm just glad they get a chance to be together. I concentrate my requests, arguments, and "helpful feedback" on areas I really care about, such as new foods and unbundled, selective vaccinations.

We're still working it out, but so far so good.

[mama2rey]

We don't agree on everything-I don't think any couple does. However we talk things through-read stuff together and negotiate negotiate negotiate. BTW-it got ugly around here when we were discussing circumcision-however we finally came to a mutual agreement to not circumcise-I still get the occassional-you got the no-circ-let me have this one comment, etc....

I also agree with what both Diane and Frannyo said-you have to be flexible, I also want to add that you have to pick your battles. We haven't had our baby yet-but sometimes I have given in to make DP happy, the same way she has given in to make me happy at times. For example DP wanted a big baby shower-and one of her friends threw it for us. She supplied a guest list of about 100 people. I did not want a huge shower-but it was something that ultimately made her happy, so we did it. I would also love it if DP would try to induce lactation so we could both nurse-she may come around, but it's her body, and I think something I have no say over.

At the same time DP has been totally supportive of my choices that affect my body. But also, I know that she disagrees on me on other issues. But we work out compromises-and argue over the big stuff to both of us-it's a challenge, and I am sure we will never agree on everything-but I think that's part of what being in a relationship is about-learning to be flexible, learning to compromise and pick battles, and knowing when to fight for what really matters.

[simplelah]

DP and I have worked our way through all of the fun parenting stuff so far. We've done a lot of sitting down and "presenting our case" until we got to a point where we could agree.

We are still at odds about birth and such. I want a UB. She disagrees entirely. She sees it as dangerous (I have had 2 prior cesereans) and wants me to birth in the hospital. I, of course, would rather not because I am so scared to be forced into another c-sec. How that will be resolved, I don't yet know. I am really hoping to just stay home until the last possible moment and then go in. It is still early and it is still something we talk about.

We are also still in "talks" about vax-ing and circ-ing. ATM she wants to see the "cons" of both so I am gathering up information to show her and then we will talk about it further.

We may not agree on everything but we give each other the opportunity to talk it out and work on getting to where we agree or at least can settle without anyone being hurt.

[frog]

turtle and I agree on the big stuff--discipline, food and sleep.

WRT birthing, we both believe that it's the birther's choice. If I'm it, I'll plan for a natural homebirth. If turtle's it, she wants an epidural and to birth in a birth center. We both reserve the right to change our minds about how we get pregnant, labor and birth, of course.

[starling&diesel]

ramblings ...

Well, considering that our embryos are still on ice at the moment, this is all speculation, but we've talked at length about it all, so I do have an idea of how it will be for starters.

We're on the same baby train when it comes to breastfeeding, discipline, SAHM, sleeping, parenting, and family lifestyle ... we can't wait to dish out the love, be mentors to our wee'un, snuggle up, and be a family who has a lot of fun together. We're very much a simplicity household, and look forward to raising our kidlet in a tv-free, whole foods, less-is-more, debt-free household of people who like to go outside and explore the world.

And where we differ, we work to stay open to hear each other's heart talking.

As for pregnancy & labour: I would've loved a MW homebirth, but for various reasons, I will be considered a high risk pregnancy and the nearest birthing centre is almost three hours away so no MW are licensed to practice here ... so either we camp out in the city and wait to have a homebirth at my sister's place or do what most of the mom's do here, wait for it... waaaaaaait for it ... waaaaaaaaaait ... and either deliver UC, or more often with the paramedics (like me ... as a local paramedic I've caught babies in cars and living rooms and in the parking lot of the local clinic) or go down to the city ahead of time. Dp is thrilled and relieved that we'll have to plan for a birth in a care facility. When it comes right down to it, she wants the baby and me to be safe, and I can't fault her that.


We debate about schooling. I have always wanted to unschool, ever since I read "How to Quit School and Get a Real Life and Education" and did just that in my teens. Dp firmly believes in public school. Furthermore, being French-Canadian, she wants our child to be in French Immersion. Well, she's got me there, so for now, that's what we'll be doing. We live in an eeny, weeny, tiny town, so the public school is it for French.

We also disagree on how old our imaginary child will be before being allowed to a) ride with dp on her motorcycle b) snowboard c) ride a skidoo alone d) go hunting with her (... and other such perilous activities. I usually pull out my paramedic card then and go into gory, heartbreaking detail about the death and destruction I've seen, even though I enjoy all of those activities (except the hunting) myself. Ah, the joys of hypocrisy.

Considering my dp has graciously and enthusiastically gone along with pretty much every hair-brained, spontaneous or meticulously planned, crazy, passionate idea I've ever had, I have to keep reminding myself that I know how to let go and let her lead the way, which she does in her own strong, quiet way more often than I realize. I trust her. She holds my hand and keeps me grounded while I'm floating up in that magic place that doesn't always make sense.

[lexbeach]

I don't think dw had any strong feelings about any sort of parenting approach before we had kids. I, on the other hand, had been researching it for years (both by reading tons of books, and by working as a preschool teacher/nanny for several years), and I had very strong feelings about the way I wanted to do things (natural labor, no-circ, no-vax, exclusive breastfeeding, child-led weaning, co-sleeping, baby-wearing, cloth diapers, etc.). I felt like if dw wanted to bring up another idea (i.e. crib sleeping instead of co-sleeping) then she needed to research it and present her case. She had no interest in reading a single parenting book (and I was sure that if she read the ones I had, she would agree with me). So, we decided then that I would make the well-researched decisions. If anything ever felt like it wasn't working for dw, she'd certainly be able to bring it up and we could *together* research new ideas.

It turned out that dw loved attachment parenting as much as I did. At this point (with two four-year-olds and a one-year-old), she feels just as strongly as I do about the way we parent our kids. She loves co-sleeping, cloth-diapering, and baby-wearing, and has come to worship my breasts for the true magical power they hold over our little ones.

I think the one fight we ever had about parenting pre-kids happened a couple of years before I got pregnant with the twins. She said that she wouldn't want our future babies to suck their thumbs. Whereas I was *hoping* that they would suck their thumbs, lol. By the time our actual babies arrived, dw quickly converted to my side of the argument, and we both rooted for thumb-suckers (and never got any).

We sometimes disagree about discipline because dw wants to try the "time out" approach and put the kids in their room and shut the door. I don't believe in "time outs." I've let her try it a few times because I think it's best for me to stay out of it when she's disciplining the kids. But I always point out (a few hours later) how the "time out" didn't work. Recently, I took the door off of the kids' bedroom (it was in the way of the furniture, and we never needed to close it), so that took care of that. We've decided that if she really feels like she just needs to separate herself from the kids that she should put herself into a time-out in her office. Discipline is the hardest for us because we both feel stuck sometimes and like we don't know what to do, and none of my research seems to be helping.

I wouldn't have felt comfortable going into parenting with dw if she wasn't on board with attachment parenting. That would have been a deal-breaker for me. She wouldn't have had to be an advocate (and she certainly wasn't then), but she would have had to be open to letting me do it the way I wanted to.

Lex

[kands]

I was under the impression that since (like Lex), I was the one who had done all the research and had all the experience, that what I said would sort of be the rule and that if DW wanted something different, she would do the research and present her case. She never actually took much of an interest in child-related research and always just agreed with whatever I said. In the end, my role as The Decider, didn't work out as I'd thought it would. Basically, the way it works for us is that if I want something (cloth diapers, for instance), then I end up being 100% responsible for it and DW just opts out entirely.

I still have to do the research (say, on discipline), but if DW isn't a fan of my researched methods, she tends to do her own thing or just not do it at all and then not have to deal with it.

*sigh* I guess I felt compelled to comment because, if I had it to do all over again, I would have made sure that I married someone as hippie crunchy as me. Because once you have kids, marriage is even more of a life-time commitment and it takes a lot more time and energy to make it work. And it's really hard to make it work when your lives revolve around the kids and you are at opposite ends of the parenting spectrum. When that happens, how do you relate to each other any more? It's very, very difficult.

So my advice would be to keep talking about these things with your partner and to really figure it all out now because when the sleep deprivation hits, it get even harder.

Good luck.

[osker]

I agree with all the things people have said! Great thread!
Heather and I talk about our future babies all the time.. and we talk about our future preschoolers, and future teenagers... and when they leave for college... We love to talk about it all.
The only thing that I feel a need to add to all of this is that whenever we find some issue that we just can't agree on, we talk and talk and talk it through until we figure out WHY we want it that way. Other than, oh I read this book, or this worked for me, or I JUST WANT IT THAT WAY! If we talk about what it means to do something a certain way, or not, then we're usually able to find out what is really driving the desire to parent in that style and then we can talk through the real need. The rest is just window dressing anyway!

Good luck and keep talking!

[cabo]

Thanks a lot for so much input.

Originally Posted by starling&diesel

Considering my dp has graciously and enthusiastically gone along with pretty much every hair-brained, spontaneous or meticulously planned, crazy, passionate idea I've ever had, I have to keep reminding myself that I know how to let go and let her lead the way, which she does in her own strong, quiet way more often than I realize. I trust her. She holds my hand and keeps me grounded while I'm floating up in that magic place that doesn't always make sense.

That sounds absolutely wonderful

Originally Posted by lexbeach

I felt like if dw wanted to bring up another idea (i.e. crib sleeping instead of co-sleeping) then she needed to research it and present her case. She had no interest in reading a single parenting book (and I was sure that if she read the ones I had, she would agree with me). So, we decided then that I would make the well-researched decisions.

With several of my friends I have watched a situation where mom does all the decisions and the dad is way less involved. The kids seemingly are much closer and more attached to their mom than to their dad. How is that with your kids?
It is probably more a question for your wife, but I am wondering, didn't she feel like less equal as a parent or something, when you lead the way?
I can't see my dp to be okay with such an arrangement, but maybe I am wrong. With young kids (and more so with twins) you are probably glad if things are working smoothly no matter how, so you put such petty jealousy behind.

Originally Posted by Frannyo

I agree with Diane but that said, our rule was whoever carries the baby gets to have the baby and/or breastfeed as they choose to do so. So my wifey had to squat down on the floor with me and play push-me-pull-you for our daughter's unmedicated birth, and has had to watch me nurse pretty much everywhere we go, with no comment.

Did she support you when you had some difficult times with your Bf?

Originally Posted by kands

In the end, my role as The Decider, didn't work out as I'd thought it would. Basically, the way it works for us is that if I want something (cloth diapers, for instance), then I end up being 100% responsible for it and DW just opts out entirely.

Does that mean she didn't change the baby with cloth diapers or just not washing or folding them?
I guess it would really bother me, if I felt I have to decide everything (even though I secretly would like being the decider at first) and then get little support for it. Like bearing all the burden, especially bad, in case my decisions turn out wrong there won't be anybody to share the blame (can you tell that I'm sort of a perfectionist )

[lexbeach]

Originally Posted by cabo

With several of my friends I have watched a situation where mom does all the decisions and the dad is way less involved. The kids seemingly are much closer and more attached to their mom than to their dad. How is that with your kids?
It is probably more a question for your wife, but I am wondering, didn't she feel like less equal as a parent or something, when you lead the way?
I can't see my dp to be okay with such an arrangement, but maybe I am wrong. With young kids (and more so with twins) you are probably glad if things are working smoothly no matter how, so you put such petty jealousy behind.

I don't think that "equality" is really our goal in parenting (in some families it may be). It just doesn't seem possible in our situation for us to have equal parenting experiences, namely since I am the at-home mom, and dw works full time. Also, I carried our babies and breastfed them, so that part of the experience certainly wasn't equal. But does my dw feel like just as much of a mother to our boys as I do? Absolutely. Perhaps the difference in our situation is that dw didn't have *any* strong feeling about parenting before we had kids (I remember saying to her once when we'd only been together a couple of months something like, "I've always wanted to have four or five kids . . . how about you?" And she said, "I've never really thought about it." That conversation kind of carries through to many of our parenting decisions, lol). So it's not like I was rejecting her ideas or feelings about what kind of mothering she wanted to do. I was bringing to the table the ideas that I had, and I told her that she was welcome to do her own research on parenting, and she said, "no, that's all right, I trust you." I can see how it would be different if we had had really opposing ideas about motherhood, and I said, "no, we're doing it MY way!" That could be hurtful to the other mother. But in our situation, it wasn't as if dw ever wanted to do anything differently. And now, if she was calling all the shots, she would do things exactly as we have (we were just talking about this last night after I posted).

Our kids are equally attached to both of us. If anything, when dw is home they prefer her, since I'm the boring mom who's *always* home. But the big boys snuggle her at night (and have since I got pregnant with Zeb), so she is their full-time nighttime parent. In general, she's sort of the more fun parent who takes them on hiking and kayaking adventures and plays tickle games and stuff like that. Not that I don't do those things too, but it's her specialty. And the baby has been a Mama's boy (dw is mama) since he was about 3 months old or so. Unless he wants to nurse, he wants her.

My dw is not jealous of my parenting role because it is not a role that she ever wanted to have. She never wanted to be the pregnant, breastfeeding, parenting-book-reading, stay-at-home mom. We both love our different parenting roles and are happy, so there's no reason for jealousy (at least not in the parenting department!).

One more thing is that after just a short time as an attachment parent, you really come to have an understanding of how you want to do things, and it's something that comes about very naturally (even if you've never read a parenting book in your life). So, I think dw did feel like she owned our parenting decisions once she was living them and her instincts had taken over.


HTH!

Lex

[pdxmomazon]

I think I'm a bit of a black sheep here on MDC because we don't subscribe to any particular parenting philosophy, we just do what works for our family.

*sigh* I guess I felt compelled to comment because, if I had it to do all over again, I would have made sure that I married someone as hippie crunchy as me. Because once you have kids, marriage is even more of a life-time commitment and it takes a lot more time and energy to make it work.

I think to some degree what you're saying, kands, is correct. If parenting a certain way is absolutely essential to you, you must make sure your needs are met by your partner before you have kids.

However, I married my wife because I loved her, and we decided to have a family together because we loved each other. We place the needs of the family we are creating above anyone individual's needs, including the (current) youngest member. Although I definitely came into parenting with a much more developed sense of what I wanted it to be like and what I wanted to try (cloth diapering, SAHMing, co-sleeping, organic and low-impact living) I ended up compromising a lot. It was simply more important that we all be happy and get our needs met than I have it my way! There are many many successful ways to parent and each family needs to find what works for everyone!

[kands]

Cabo, it means that, when they were babies and we were CDing full-time, she would change their diapers but not launder them. Now that they are in daycare and we have disposables around the house, she will always put them in sposies, even if I have them in cloth.

pdx, I married my wife because I loved her too. More than anyone or anything else in the world. But now we have children and I just feel that, since they are still young, their needs (mostly) have to come first. I guess I neglected to ask if she might feel the same way (she doesn't) before we got married.

My DW is a lot like Lex's. She had no desire to be pregnant or birth a child and absolutely no idea how she wanted to parent. Before we even got pregnant, I would bring up childrearing issues and she's just agree with me. We got pregnant and, though she balked at the cloth diapers and I had to really work to convince her that no-circ was the way to go, she still pretty much agreed with what I said felt right to me. It was the same as Lex's DW--one of those, "No, I trust you," kinds of things. It just hasn't worked out as well for me because DW doesn't feel the AP thing the way I do, so in order to keep things peaceful, I have to had to compromise on a lot of things that were very important to me (CIO being the biggest one). Some of them were big compromises and it's always a tough decision to choose between your wife and your kids. I'm just advising people to try and not get into that position, if at all possible, because it is NOT a fun place to be and, no matter what, you feel like you've failed someone--either your babies or the love of your life.

Sorry to take this thread down with me That wasn't my intent--I just wanted to throw out another perspective.