rough year. depression/ocd. why isn't anything working?

[faith21]

Hey mamas. Here's some history - - and I'm reaching out for support once again.

October 2006: First Major Depressive Episode (25 years old), first time pure OCD symptoms. Triggered by a panic attack then a few days later two news stories, husband who violently took his childrens lives and was 'depressed' - intrusive thoughts and images about my own son afterwards. Freaked out, took a leave of absence from work. Virtually had a nervous breakdown. Sought counseling, diagnosed OCD, learned some cognitive behavior techniques. Same time started Zoloft 50mg and Klonopin .25 a day.

October 4 months on Zoloft 50mg - Felt flat, DEPERSONALIZED which added to anxiety , intrusive thoughts tolerable.

Switched to Celexa 20 mg 4 months and klonopin .25 - initially felt just a little better, knew zoloft was keeping me 'down'. BUT Felt TIRED, SLEEPY, could barely stay awake, felt a little more depressed while on it. Sexual side effects.

Switched again to Lexapro 10mg (one month) w/Wellbutrin .75 mg w/ Klonopin .25.: Lexapro made me so tired still, which psychiatrist predicted. I withdrew from Lexapro with few side effects...nauseau, flu like symptoms, and some mild OCD intrusive thoughts which passed. Wellbutrin made such a difference, it kicked me up from being tired and for once I was feeling 'better'.

I've been on Wellbutrin .75mg and Klonopin .25mg daily for just about four months also. I wanted to get rid of the Klonopin - - and was seeking something long term for my anxiety and OCD. So, the Doctor switched me to Prozac only 10mg. After two weeks, I was so depressed again. (But, I also am placed in a situation where we have to foreclose on our home at the same time), but I could FEEL that Prozac was contributing to the depression. I didn't want to wake up in the morning, my mind raced with depressive thoughts. I knew that it was getting worse, for what I felt was my own 'safety', I stopped the Prozac after two weeks. It's been two weeks since then. I am more depressed then when I started Prozac. I had a frightening night on Friday where suicidal idealtion raced through my head and I was so depressed, I kept thinking if this is how I'm going to feel I'd rather not be here. These are the same feelings I initially had when depressed.

I'm so tired of this roller coaster of emotions, stopping an anti-depressant, starting a new one. I am still on Wellbutring and Klonopin .25mg. My husband and I would like to have a baby in about a year. I know how imparitive it is to get my mental health together.

BUT what the HECK IS WRONG WITH ME ? My depression has never fully went away - it's been a year in two months, even if the anti depressants weren't working, that's a pretty long cycle - - shouldn't it have lifted by now ?? I have never again felt like myself , it's been so long. I keep hanging in there. I don't know if it's my OCD or depression or both, and what the heck to do anymore. I need to treat it so I can get better, feel better. I have this huge fear I won't get well again, that this is it. That I won't be able to have a new baby, because of my OCD thoughts and depression.

I have not had 'highs' or the classic BiPolar symptoms. I don't know if I am cycling in and out of depression or if I just have not properly treated it? I was so upset and discouraged when the suicidal idealtion raced through my head again. . I felt I had come so far and those should be gone. They are the worst thing about being depressed besides my OCD symptoms. This post is so long, I'm not sure anyone will relate. Will this depression ever lift ? Will I ever feel confident enough to become a mother again ?

I have been in therapy for this entire time. I am trying to do the work, so why isn't this working ?

Thanks for letting me vent.

Confused Mama,

faith

[velcromom]

Couldn't read and not post a

Just want to say, I believe there's an answer out there for you. Have you told your therapist all of this? They need to know your current treatment isn't working for you. I hope you will let them know that you are in/approaching a crisis.

[dingogirl]

I'm so sorry you're having problems with depression. I can't imagine the frustration of having tried so many antidepressants with no success. I've had major depression for 6 months. I'm on Prozac but it isn't doing much. I just want to die. I'm thinking of going on Effexor XR, as it has worked for me in the past. Effexor XR is supposed to be a really good one for major depression. Maybe you could give that one a try. Also, I know it's really hard to do when you're depressed, but exercise is supposed to help. According to research, patients who followed a modest exercise program fared as well as patients who took a particular popular anti-depressant.

My depression has never fully went away - it's been a year in two months, even if the anti depressants weren't working, that's a pretty long cycle - - shouldn't it have lifted by now ??

Unfortunately, it can take 2 years for the depression to go into remission.

[elizaMM]

I can TOTally relate.

I, also, had trouble with all regular SSRIs. They all made me tired, esPECially prozac. Wellbutrin has been my savior. But .75 mg? I thought the typical dose was to start at 150mg/day and up to 300 within a few days. Unless you are taking it several times a day? Or maybe having OCD means you shouldn't take as much? I don't know.

Also, if it helps, there is good research on wellbutrin during pregnancy (b/c it helps w/smoking cessation) that shows little, if any, adverse effects.

I know, it really sucks when you are working so hard and trying so many things and nothing is working. You WILL find something though. Then all the therapy will finally sink in so you can FEEL what you know is true instead of just knowing it intellectually (my experience, anyway). And there is a very good chance this depression will lift and you will feel confident enough to be a new mother again.

Are you seeing a psychiatrist or regular doc? If regular doc maybe its time to switch to the doc with the expertise. If psychiatrist, and s/he doesn't have a good reason for only 75 mg Wellbutrin, time to switch Psychiatrists I think.

You'll find something, keep plugging away, you've come so far, don't give up now (just think: all the meds you've eliminated as potentially helpful! that's quite an accomplishment!! ;-) )

Good and speedy luck to you!

[faith21]

Thank You so much for your replies . .

Eliza, that was very very helpful. Something about SSRI's right when they are in my system it goes downhill. I am upping my dose of wellbutrin, at first I was keeping it low - - all in hopes of trying to be on the lowest dose possible. But, I think it's time to hike it up a little. My psych is weary because it can increase anxiety, but after the first few weeks on my initial dose, not only was i feeling better than i had on any ssri's , but eventually the anxiety subsided. I just have to remembr that when I do my increase . Thank You for the pregnancy update. I totalllly know what you mean about 'knowing' but not yet 'feeling' the therapy kick in. I see a therapist once a month, sometimes once every two weeks . . . she helps with my cognitive therapy and all that good stuff. Then my psychiatrist writes my scripts...

I will keep plugging away and trying to focus on getting well. . . it really has done a number on my confidence in mothering and even facing stress. I will keep in touch and update. . . happy holidays

faith

[AnyMama]

I had a really bad depressive episode in college. I think anxiety was mixed in as well. I would feel like I couldn't breathe just stepping outside. I would spend 3-4 days on end in bed, seriously not getting up for days, wearing the same pajamas etc.

My doctor put me on something called Remeron. It took it about a month or so to kick in, but once it did, I snapped out of it instantly and felt great. I took it for a couple of months and then went off of it.

A lot of doctors shy away from it because it has serious side effects. I felt drugged for the first couple of weeks. Once I tripped and spilled hot cider on a woman I was talking to, but I hadn't taken a step, it was so bizarre, things like that happened at first. I also gained a lot of weight...but I'm not sure if it was the Remeron or the fact that I didn't move in the months before. I wasn't aware of my weight gain as an issue until I felt better and was off the medication, and then I managed to lose the weight (35lbs) in about 3 months afterward because emotionally I felt great and I wasn't comfort eating anymore.

Another thing you might look into is a book called The Mood Cure by Julia Ross. Her premise is that mood disorders are caused by nutritional deficiencies in our western diet. She says you can cure mood disorders within a few months with the right supplements (and she helps you figure out which ones are right) and by following a diet. I did some experimenting with her diet (which is high fat, low carb) and switching over to a low fat diet, and I was miserable for the 2 weeks I was eating low-fat. I switched back to her type of diet, and sure enough, I feel fine now.

[faith21]

hello anymama,

i've heard of remeron before. . . if my increase doesn't help out it will be something i'll consider. anything at this point. i'm so glad you were able to make it through that rough time. . and through the side effects, it takes so much strength to get better. I really need to get the mood cure - - - I know I need to exercise and change my diet. when you have no energy or motivation it's hard to get out of the bed and do these things. which is usually where i am at, the second i'm off work I crawl into bed . .at least i'm able to work though, so i know i'm getting partial treatment. anyhow, thank you for reply - - and is it like a low carb diet that makes you feel better?

Thanks

faith

[AnyMama]

Her diet is pretty low-carb. And I do a low carb diet. I started on Atkins, felt great, did great, lost weight, and then I switched to south beach (higher carb, very low fat), felt miserable, didn't lose much weight, and felt miserable (did I mention I felt miserable?). The mood cure diet allows potatoes and things not allowed on low carb diets, but she strongly advocates using real butter, high fat, and eliminating sugar and refined starches. I don't think the potatoes make or break her diet, but I don't eat them on mine. I notice a real difference in how I feel when I eat high fat. And as a plus, I seem to lose weight better when I eat a high-fat, low-carb diet.

[elizaMM]

: