grieving the loss of a friendship?

[delphiniumpansy]

Is it possible to be grieving the loss of a friendship? Or does that denigrate real loss, like when someone dies? I had a friend I felt really close to and valued her friendship a lot. Then, I moved an hour away and she has no time for me anymore. She is just too busy to stay in contact with someone that far away. I thought we were close enough to be friends forever. I feel like I am grieving but I also wonder if that is just wrong of me. Should I just move on and get over it or try to treat it like grief and process it as such? Maybe if I grieve, I can get over it. As it stands, I think about it a lot and it hurts.

[Blu Razzberri]

I feel you mama. My best friend basically "broke up" with me about 3 years ago. Her birthday was last Friday. I always look her up and leave her happy birthday wishes on her machine (DP says I'm just stalking her, because she never calls back). I feel like I've lost a sister. I miss her a lot and it's definitely a sort of grieving.

But I think grieving over a death is definitely a different type of grief. Doesn't mean this is easy to deal with though.

[delphiniumpansy]

I agree with you that they are different. But it is still grief, isn't it. I know what you are going through by calling her. You still want to be friends!

[SeekingSerenity]

A friendship is as real to you as any type of family relationship, sometimes, and losing it for whatever reason does cause true grief.

My friend was the best friend I'd ever had, ever. We called each other Sisters because it was just that close. I could tell her absolutely anything, and likewise she could tell me. She caught my daughter when the baby was born, how is that for close? Pushed the midwife out of the way and caught the baby, and that was how it should be, it was just right with me.

But my DH is terribly controlling and abusive. I left him in 2006 and did my best not to drag her and her family into it. Of course, she loved me and my children and so they DID get dragged in. And despite what I knew was best, out of fear of losing my kids, I went back to him. When I did, I told him in no uncertain terms that he would not dictate my friendships, as they did not concern him.

That's not the way abusive men function, though. There was eventually the ultimatum - your children or your friend. Followed by the threats - I will kick you out and you'll never see your babies again if you continue to talk to her. Then the constant harassment, the monitoring of phone calls, the accusations, the pressure. It got to be too much.

Eventually she said, "I can't do this anymore," and while it hurt me like nothing else, hurt more than realizing I'd loved, had children with and married a man who was only tearing my world apart, I had to let go. You cannot conduct a friendship, especially not one as close as ours WAS, when you cannot see each other or talk to each other and can only email to secret accounts you have to keep hidden. She lived knowing that no matter how much she loved me, I didn't love myself enough to save myself from him.

The thing that will hurt me the most is knowing how much it hurt her. Because of him, I had to miss the birth of her daughter... whom she wanted ME to catch as she had caught mine. And now I am pregnant by The Monster DH again, and cannot even share this with her, the only person who might be able to give me a sense of joy about it.

So yes, it is okay, it is normal to grieve. I don't think I will ever stop grieving, myself.

[Blu Razzberri]

Originally Posted by delphiniumpansy

I agree with you that they are different. But it is still grief, isn't it...

Yes. From my original reply....

Originally Posted by Blu Razzberri

...it's definitely a sort of grieving...

I believe there are different types of grief just the same as there are different types of love. Grief is individual and personal; and each 'loss' will impact you in different ways.

And though it isn't the same type of grief; it still needs to be addressed and treated; whether it be through reading, writing, talking or seeing a counsellor -- whatever works for you.

Originally Posted by SeekingSerenity

...My friend was the best friend I'd ever had, ever...But my DH is terribly controlling and abusive....There was eventually the ultimatum - your children or your friend. Followed by the threats - I will kick you out and you'll never see your babies again if you continue to talk to her...

Oh mama. That's devastatingly heartbreaking. You're in a shit situation AND you don't have your best friend to lean on. I"m glad you understand her reasons for discontinuing contact and that you aren't angry towards her. Clearly, you're a sensible woman.

I'm sure you must know the odds of a woman being the one to get custody of her kids over her husband are very good, so there must be more to your story. Please try and think your way to a solution out of this situation you're in!

If you need someone to talk to, I'm here, just PM me. I can't replace your best friend, but I can listen when you need me!

[Breastfeeding Insomniac]

Its a different kind of grief, but it is grief nonetheless. My best friend became a different person this year and we have not spoken in months. She was a toxic friendship indeed, but I do miss her. I know I am grieving bc we did a lot through Christmas and now as I am driving, I will see something or hear a song that will remind me of the fun days, and I will feel so sad. So while its not at all the same as losing my dad, its still very painful.

[Maggirayne]

Friendships are definitley valuable and a lost one (or a change) is perfectly fine and normal to grieve.

I was in college a year longer than my two best friends, and I had anticipatory grief just knowing they were leaving, and I wouldn't have my network the following year. And I grieved when they were gone. They and my family all lived 1000+ miles away from my college.
And deep friendships don't just happen. They grow. And they don't just with anyone.

[LauraLoo]

I came to this forum today looking for this exact same help. I miss my friend terribly and am also having a hard time working it through.