We often have threads about gifts given (or received) and what the proper response should be in re: gifts which are inappropriate, unappreciated, etc. (or when the giver feels that the gift is not received with appropriate gratitude etc.)
I think it's fascinating to see the different ways that people frame their views on the subject -- and many of us are quite passionate about where we 'sit' on the 'how to respond' continuum.
I thought it'd be interesting to have a separate thread where OP intentions in re: particular situations, aren't at play -- and see what people think.
My take on gifts:
1. I try to give gifts which are practical, will be used, and avoid anything decorative [this is because I have too much junk
] - I give people gifts I think *I* would appreciate (the idea if not the gift itself).
2. We are clear with family that we would prefer
a. College $
b. Books
c. Clothing
d. Educational toys (check with us first)
e. No talking/noisy toys - if stuffed, must be machine washable
f. No Disney, princessy, Barbie
G. TALK TO US ABOUT TOY IDEAS FIRST (this is also because I'm from a large family and that way we don't have duplicate toys).
This year we stressed avoiding MIC and trying to buy locally/USA made toys, for safety reasons.
Fortunately, people *mostly* follow our requests. We have some awful talking toys that we've managed to donate, and some which have been kept.
If we receive something we didn't want, we thank people (this is usually GMIL, so it's via a thank-you card), and the item disappears. This works for us now because the girls are little, and we aren't dealing with birthday party gifts etc. yet. I imagine things become much more difficult as children get older, and 'prestige' gifts which parents may not want/approve of, begin being given etc.
However, I don't think that people always need to accept graciously and then donate -- I think honestly I'd rather someone tell me, "Thanks for your thoughtful gift, but we don't allow X in our home" or etc. than to think that it was appreciated and buy the second part of the set for my next gift, KWIM? If I'm spending $$ I want it to be something the receive wants. So, to me, that feels like it's insulting if the relationships involved are respectful and loving.
If the gift given was calculated to irritate the receiver (or his/her parents) then also, I don't see any reason to be gracious and pretend it's OK. I think it's better to bluntly say, "Thanks for your thoughts, but as we had discussed, this is not for us. Perhaps you can keep it at your house?"
One of my concerns is, what are we teaching children about truth, when we have them lie about a toy/gift received - either implying that they like it (when they don't), or that they still have it (when Mean Mom and Dad took it away)?
Finally - and this is really big picture I know - I think that just because someone spends money on you (whether you expected it or not) does NOT obligate you to be polite, gracious, etc. to them in all cases/circumstances. This to me plays very much into the "He took you out to dinner at a nice restaurant, bought you a dozen roses, etc. and you STILL didn't put out? Then you got what you had coming" arguments (to bring it to the extreme).
If someone chooses to spend money on me/my family, that's their choice. But it doesn't mean that I have to pretend to like what they bought [Although usually I am polite and gracious - I do think intent matters a great deal]. I didn't ask them to make any purchases at all; they assumed that they could/should - and a thoughtful giver finds something that the recipient (and his/her family) would want and enjoy.
So, our neighbor lady spends her scant resources on gifts for my dds - often toys we don't want/need. We thank her politely and then reinforce the good gifts (books or etc.) -- her gifts disappear, often. This year - she got a made in the USA board game for the girls which we are really excited about. ALL her gifts are a huge sacrifice for her, and we appreciate the thought and are never rude about it - but we do try to guide things.
I think it's fascinating to see the different ways that people frame their views on the subject -- and many of us are quite passionate about where we 'sit' on the 'how to respond' continuum.
I thought it'd be interesting to have a separate thread where OP intentions in re: particular situations, aren't at play -- and see what people think.
My take on gifts:
1. I try to give gifts which are practical, will be used, and avoid anything decorative [this is because I have too much junk
] - I give people gifts I think *I* would appreciate (the idea if not the gift itself).2. We are clear with family that we would prefer
a. College $
b. Books
c. Clothing
d. Educational toys (check with us first)
e. No talking/noisy toys - if stuffed, must be machine washable
f. No Disney, princessy, Barbie
G. TALK TO US ABOUT TOY IDEAS FIRST (this is also because I'm from a large family and that way we don't have duplicate toys).
This year we stressed avoiding MIC and trying to buy locally/USA made toys, for safety reasons.
Fortunately, people *mostly* follow our requests. We have some awful talking toys that we've managed to donate, and some which have been kept.
If we receive something we didn't want, we thank people (this is usually GMIL, so it's via a thank-you card), and the item disappears. This works for us now because the girls are little, and we aren't dealing with birthday party gifts etc. yet. I imagine things become much more difficult as children get older, and 'prestige' gifts which parents may not want/approve of, begin being given etc.
However, I don't think that people always need to accept graciously and then donate -- I think honestly I'd rather someone tell me, "Thanks for your thoughtful gift, but we don't allow X in our home" or etc. than to think that it was appreciated and buy the second part of the set for my next gift, KWIM? If I'm spending $$ I want it to be something the receive wants. So, to me, that feels like it's insulting if the relationships involved are respectful and loving.
If the gift given was calculated to irritate the receiver (or his/her parents) then also, I don't see any reason to be gracious and pretend it's OK. I think it's better to bluntly say, "Thanks for your thoughts, but as we had discussed, this is not for us. Perhaps you can keep it at your house?"
One of my concerns is, what are we teaching children about truth, when we have them lie about a toy/gift received - either implying that they like it (when they don't), or that they still have it (when Mean Mom and Dad took it away)?
Finally - and this is really big picture I know - I think that just because someone spends money on you (whether you expected it or not) does NOT obligate you to be polite, gracious, etc. to them in all cases/circumstances. This to me plays very much into the "He took you out to dinner at a nice restaurant, bought you a dozen roses, etc. and you STILL didn't put out? Then you got what you had coming" arguments (to bring it to the extreme).
If someone chooses to spend money on me/my family, that's their choice. But it doesn't mean that I have to pretend to like what they bought [Although usually I am polite and gracious - I do think intent matters a great deal]. I didn't ask them to make any purchases at all; they assumed that they could/should - and a thoughtful giver finds something that the recipient (and his/her family) would want and enjoy.
So, our neighbor lady spends her scant resources on gifts for my dds - often toys we don't want/need. We thank her politely and then reinforce the good gifts (books or etc.) -- her gifts disappear, often. This year - she got a made in the USA board game for the girls which we are really excited about. ALL her gifts are a huge sacrifice for her, and we appreciate the thought and are never rude about it - but we do try to guide things.
:
: DH 
Erin 3½ 
Sara 11 mos. 
:
