not finding social connections...

[muse]

i've posted here before about feeling burned out with homeschooling and wondering if it's the right fit for us. the support i get here has always been so helpful and now i'm at the point where i feeling very positive about homeschooling and would love to continue except for one big factor, which is not finding the social connections I or ds need.

We know a lot of hs families, I co-lead a co-op, go to park day when we can, take classes etc...what I've learned is that the piecemeal approach doesn't work for ds so well socially and he needs friends he sees consistently 2-3 x a week. so far nobody in the co-op is interested in committing to 2 days a week and we have not really connected so well with other hs families. i've gone out of my way to set up playdates etc but when it comes down to it all of ds's best friends are in school and those are the kids that he wants to have playdates with. also i'd like for him to share some of the learning we're doing with others in something more structured than just a playdate.

in the co-op he has friends but he is one of the oldest kids and i'd say developmentally is quite a bit ahead of most of the kids, so it can get frustrating for him. also the group has a few kids who just aren't big group kids and who don't wnat to be in school; he is quite the opposite, very social, a group person.

it really hit home on his brithday when almost everyone he wanted to invite to his party was a school kid, and hardly any of his hs friends acknowledged his b.day

i've been concerned about this on and off for some time now and have tried various ways of dealing with it. at this point i'd say ds is doing fine, and it's not really bothering him, but i know he'd thrive on more continuity. the side reuslt of it is that i feel pretty alone and don't have much support. my vision of hs was always trading childcare with other families, but that as just never worked out for us so far.

long post here, but i'm wondering if others have struggled with this, how they've overcome it, or do i just need to focus in on my own family and not look outwarsd for others so much?

[chfriend]

Dd1 also needs continuity and groups of kids that are not all younger than her. She also really likes a class. So, she does a lot more "activities" than I thought we'd be doing...dance, gymnastics, violin, coop classes with the big group, sheep to shawl group, 4-h, knitting lessons with a hs mom/neighbor and we're starting a cooking club.

She sees the hs kids in all the classes/activites and runs into the same ones over and over. She still hasn't replaced the heart friend she had last year who moved to Pennsylvania, but she definitely feels a part of the local hs scene. It's not everything that she needs yet, but it's moving in the right direction.

I don't think she necessarily needs hs friends to be her best friends, though. School'd kids can be nice too.

[canuckgal]

Originally Posted by muse

i've been concerned about this on and off for some time now and have tried various ways of dealing with it. at this point i'd say ds is doing fine, and it's not really bothering him, but i know he'd thrive on more continuity. the side reuslt of it is that i feel pretty alone and don't have much support. my vision of hs was always trading childcare with other families, but that as just never worked out for us so far.

long post here, but i'm wondering if others have struggled with this, how they've overcome it, or do i just need to focus in on my own family and not look outwarsd for others so much?

I struggle with simular things. I have never felt like I fit into the many smaller local groups I have tried around here. For one, most of them I have met are, seriously, very structured "math at 9am no-if's-ands-or buts" people even with really little kids (no offence to anyone here) and I just can't relate to that. Nice enough people, but not who I can share my struggles with as I am waaaay more relaxed. When you are around people that structured, and you have kids who if they were in school would be regarded as having "problems" and not be typical or "easy, good quiet little students who only do what they are expected to" it can be un-nerving. Ds is developmentally delayed in some of his gross motor skills and notably his speech, and while cognitively is 4, seems much "younger" than he really is and toddler like in a lot of ways. Dd has a recent diagnosis of auditory processing disorder and all in all is an emotionally intense kid (crying sort of upset easily, perfectionist), which has explained for me alot of the problems we have had in the past with homeschool group activities that are noisy or "chaotic" for example like gym time, or her large Sunday school class, meaning that we have to be careful what we choose to attend, and means things like the other moms just get to hang back to visit, and I am right side by side with her, verbally guiding her and simplifying things for her. (and helping ds too depending on what we are doing). If she were to join the activities like Chfriend mentioned previously, the teacher would have to understand she needs alot of "touching base", "centering" her by asking her questions and keeping her "in tune" with what is going on around her or she will just look plain inattentive/ADD. So, we just don't fit into alot of things, but have found a hs group in a city about 40 min away and we attend a potluck once a month a few of them put on, which they love as it is free unstructured play with out a "schooly" agenda, and I get to visit. (alas their field trips often are things like "chess club for age 10 and up) sort of thing. DD hates field trips done by the local group with an agenda and schedule/preplanned "learning goals" and she does not get to explore at her own pace, so alot of times we go to the museum or something just as a family on our own terms. We are going to try yet another group in the new year, and I met a mom at a conference who is just 2 miles from me, so we are going to try to get together, so hopefully that works. So, that is where I am coming from here.

You sound like you do alot of things like your co-op. Good for you, that is more than I get to do sometimes with my kids! (I work too part time so that is a complicating factor as well). I think what stands out in your post is your quote that you belive your son is doing fine. If this is what he feels, that is what matters. I say this gently, 'cause I find myself thinking the same way sometimes, but when you say things "really hit home..." about the birthday party was that for you, or him? Did HE seem sad about it? (I couldn't tell from your post) Sometimes I catch myself projecting my own perceptions on the situation, and deep down it is maybe ME who is wishing more socialization for the collective "us", and like you said the kids may be "fine" and may not need as much as we think. Focusing on this (the kids needs, not mine)is what is helping me slowly overcome these feelings, as well as getting alot of my hs support online.

And this is sad to say, but maybe 2-3 times a week for getting together with the same group of people, is unrealistic given the unfortunate fact of society today....we are all just to dang busy. We are just not connected as a society, and while we may have shared experiences like classes, the co-op etc it is sharing on other peoples agenda. Even with schooled kids in ps...it is a "forced" socializing...no choice about who is in your class, who you interact with to some extent until you are "free" at recess, no chance to deeply get to know someone unless it is outside that setting. That's what I am guessing when you say the piece meal approach isn't working, and your ds needs something "deeper". Even with adults, we can have the shared experience of being coworkers or being in a class together, but, if there isn't something more then we are all just acquaintances now are we. I know what you mean about all this though, I think it is sad we are all so overscheduled and kids every interaction tends to be monitered and commandeered and overseen by adults, leaving no time to hang out at the park until supper like we did when we were kids...dang it, there is gymnastics and band and hockey practice so we can all look like we are "doing something" for our kids (I am speaking of society's mindset in general here) and then homework! I also wondered about your "trading childcare" comment...you mean like babysitting? The few (2 moms) I hang out with occasionally outside of any hs group things have always been a visit with me while the kids played, I don't think they would go for this frequently unless we knew each other VERY well.

So, I guess I can suggest a few things. Maybe try to get some kids more your son's age into the co-op. or start one on a "big kids" topic of your son's interest? (don't know if that is possible?) I know it is hard when your kids friends are in school, that leaves just after school, possibly, or weekends to interact. But, if it is only once a week, maybe that is better than nothing, better to have a few friends that connect at a deep level (on THIER terms/interests) less often than lots of more superficial stuff. Dd has really only three girls that I would consider as a true definition of "friends", 2 of them siblings, the rest of kids she knows are only on an acquaintance level. We are friends with their parents, so that is where we connected. They are ps'd. Other than the odd hs thing we get to, we are together with kids maybe 3-4 times a month, if that. (I am talking playing, relating on thier own terms, not counting the once a week dd attends a church club) I am guessing my dd is not as extroverted as your ds though. She seems to be OK with all of this.

And it's not just a homeschooling thing, I am sure there are public schooling families who feel the same way, the lack of "connection" with people. So don't blame homeschooling.

I don't know what else to say, except to give you a cyber hug. Hope things go better for you.

[teastaigh]

All of the interesting people I know, who are following their own path, pursuing
their own gifts, and are excited about life at some time or another, or
even very often, have expressed to me that they feel a lack of connection, socially.

This is part of the human experience that carries an edge or shadow with it but is truly wonderful -- kind of like dark chocolate or tangy apples.

I'm pretty sure that all of my favorite scientists and musicians felt, maybe
almost always, the way you express. I'm sure that most of my favorite
authors did or do -- including those that feel they've led a happy and
full life.

I can empathize with what you write. I'd just encourage you to count the
blessings. If your child has just one person who understands and enjoys
him in a mutual sense, he is inordinately blessed. If this person is also
someone who deeply loves him, such as his mother, then wow. I am really
happy for him.

You might read "Hold Onto Your Kids" to fortify yourself in times of
questioning or doubts. It it were me, I'd greatly reduce the group
expectations. It's up to us to take joy each day. We can't get others
to do that for us or to follow our plans for that. Focus on what you
control and craft meaningful activities. Interacting with others can be
so rewarding, but it is only one aspect of life and of childhood. When we
have ourselves we can never be truly alone. What a gift that is -- the
person who enjoys her/his own company.

I also wouldn't worry about where the friends come from. I live a charmed
life and am pretty happy. Most of my friends are 20 years older than me.
Should that worry me? None of my friends are homeschool moms. Should
that worry me? I could go on; but basically: just because my friends
don't follow my same path doesn't mean I'm on the wrong one. I'm on
mine.

peace,
teastaigh

[muse]

Originally Posted by teastaigh

All of the interesting people I know, who are following their own path, pursuing
their own gifts, and are excited about life at some time or another, or
even very often, have expressed to me that they feel a lack of connection, socially.

This is part of the human experience that carries an edge or shadow with it but is truly wonderful -- kind of like dark chocolate or tangy apples.

Oh my gosh, teastaigh, your post was so moving to me!

Don't know what else to say right now at 2am, but thankyou everyone!

ok, i re -read my post and I know what else I should say...I am in the midst of a trial separation from my husband right now, and will most likely be a single mom, which is why i'm really strongly wishing for more support and connections right now. i never envisioned myself as a homeschooler, OR a single mother, but here I am.

for the kids I have the fantasy that school might somehow make up for the breakdown in our own family right now...we tried public school and know that would not do that, and instead consider a tiny progressive community oriented school. but we really can't afford it.

but, i feel blessed to have this time with my children who keep me strong right now, and to have the support we do from friends.