What to do when your dc insists something is right when it isn't?

[MissSJ]

My oldest is 3 and we don't do any structured homeschooling but I thought this would be the best place to ask this question.

What should I do when he insists something is right when it isn't (and he's being serious)? For example, he will say "orangutans aren't apes", me: "Yes they are, they don't have a tail and they aren't a monkey. They are apes like gorillas and chimpanzees" He will then continue to insist they are monkeys and not apes. Sometimes this is out of the blue so I don't know if he is thinking about it or wondering what I will say. He also does this when he talks about where animals live, some animals he will insist live in Africa. When I tell him where they live he continues to insist.

Is this an age thing? Is it a testing thing to see if the answer is the same each time? Should I just go along with him when he continues to insist or should I stick to the answer, change the subject?

[elizawill]

my 3 year old insists things are "this" or "that" too. today he insisted to his sister that chuck e cheese was in deed a real live mouse. my dd said...no, it's a person in a suit. he screamed IT IS A REAL MOUSE! he also will insist certain foods, holidays, people, animals...etc. ...[fill in the blank]... are what he says. according to him, he is absolutely a power ranger. he gets quite angry if i giggle at his cuteness, so i keep it to myself. it doesn't concern me terribly though, as most of his statements do make sense from a 3 year old's point of view

[moominmamma]

I've always just moved on, giving the child a way to save face. Who knows what it's about -- testing what mom knows? testing the limits of their own knowledge? distinguishing reality from imagination? feeling contrary? unwilling to admit a mistake? or any number of other possibilities...

The bottom line is kids this age are very autonomy-driven, and if you insist on being right and making them wrong, they'll resist all the more. I would usually just try one of the following ways of diffusing things without actually falsely affirming what they're saying:

"Hmm, that's not what I thought."
"They sure look like they are, don't they?"
"I wonder who made up the rules about that. Sometimes they seem really silly."
"It would be nice that way, wouldn't it?"
"That's a good story."
"That's a nice way to think of it."

Miranda

[Rivka5]

Originally Posted by moominmamma

I would usually just try one of the following ways of diffusing things without actually falsely affirming what they're saying:

"Hmm, that's not what I thought."
"They sure look like they are, don't they?"
"I wonder who made up the rules about that. Sometimes they seem really silly."
"It would be nice that way, wouldn't it?"
"That's a good story."
"That's a nice way to think of it."

I really like this approach. My 2.5-year-old makes up, and defends, the most amazing "facts." Sometimes I just fall back on, "Huh. That really surprises me."

[Ruthla]

He's 3. I wouldn't make a big deal about it. Learning at age 3 is NOT about memorizing a set of facts; it's about learning to love learning.

Don't turn learning into a power struggle- if he wants to insist that the sky is magenta and snow is orange, just go along with it. Save your battles for the important things- like not wearing sandals into the orange snow.

[emmsmama]

Dd did this with colours. Insisting something was a colour that it wasn't. I just would smile and say, "Well it is blue, but if you want to call it yellow you can."

[Arduinna]

It's totally normal and age appropriate and I just went along with it when it happened.

[TortelliniMama]

I've generally gone with "Oh, really?" and "I didn't know that." And now that ds is 4, he'll briefly insist that something is one way (despite reality) and then he'll announce, "I was wrong!" It really will pass, and it'll be easier on you to not even bother trying to win now.

[RiverSky]

Originally Posted by TortelliniMama

I've generally gone with "Oh, really?" and "I didn't know that." And now that ds is 4, he'll briefly insist that something is one way (despite reality) and then he'll announce, "I was wrong!" It really will pass, and it'll be easier on you to not even bother trying to win now.

I totally agree! I would never try to tell my 3 year old they were wrong...(not even a 5 year old, at least not outright). For a 5 year old, I ,ogjt say, "Oh I thought that..." and then explain what I thought and perhaps even grab a book or look it up online...or just leave it entirely be and smile and move on. For a 3 year old, I would just be happy that my child had strong opinions and could express them.

[Ravin]

I will overwhelm my DD with information. I'll start at her level, then if she doesn't believe me I'll use bigger words and/or look something up and show her and she'll go "Oh, yeah." Like she knows what I'm talking about.

I'd do this with my foster sister who was rather ODD, and even she'd give in when the evidence was right in front of her on a website or in a book, if it was a matter of fact and not opinion/belief.

I correct my DD when she expresses inaccurate information (rather than when she is pretending and using her imagination) because I want her to have the right information.

As she gets older, if we disagree I'll go to looking things up more often than I fall back on "who's in charge? The mama!" And sooner or later, she's bound to be right while I'm wrong and that'll be okay.

[elizawill]

hmmm, i'm just not sure it's necessary to "prove" yourself to a small child and overwhelm them with how wrong they truly are. it seems that could leave lasting damage rather than build them up. i don't see the benefit in it at all, especially knowing it's a stage that they do outgrow

[hippiemum21580]

I agree it is a highly age appropriate thing fro him to do and certainly will pass. I don't believe in ignorance though but as an unschooling mum try to do what many of the ther moms here have mentioned, stating my own opinion on a topic without coming across as belittling to my child's thought process and rationaity. Sometimes, the are simply testing me, other times they truly believe in what they are saying. Like my mother alwasy told me (and the best parenting advice I ever got) Choose your battles! In the grand scheme of things does it really matter wether he agreed with you about the color of the sky at age 3?

[SagMom]

I give the information as I know it, and if they still think they're right, I'll offer to look it up with them. If they're not interested in that, or if they still insist they're right, I let it go with a "hmmmm" or "that's interesting." It's not like the information will vanish and they're never have the opportunity to discover more in the future, yk?

Of course, there is always just the teeniest possibility that *I* could be the one who is wrong, or that my sources are wrong. So there's that to consider too.

[TortelliniMama]

Originally Posted by Ravin

I correct my DD when she expresses inaccurate information (rather than when she is pretending and using her imagination) because I want her to have the right information.

But, at least for us, when this happens it generally seems as though ds *knows* I'm right, but he wants to be the one who's right. I don't think there's much danger of him being embarrassed in a college class because he honestly thinks ice is hot.

I think a lot of this behavior is the result of how life usually works for them. We're usually the ones with the knowledge and with the answers. So they want to be the ones informing us for a change. Since they don't have many fields in which their knowledge is truly greater than ours, they fall back on force of will. I think it's similar to the way that little kids will use made-up words in conversation, with the appearance of honestly expecting that you'll understand what a "hummunah" is. After all, we're constantly exposing them to new words, and as far as they're concerned, we might be making them up as we go along.

[SagMom]

Originally Posted by TortelliniMama

But, at least for us, when this happens it generally seems as though ds *knows* I'm right, but he wants to be the one who's right. I don't think there's much danger of him being embarrassed in a college class because he honestly thinks ice is hot.

Well, hot and cold ARE relative terms. When I come in from shoveling snow, the cold water in the sink feels warm to my frozen fingers. :

Which reminds me of something else I used to do when the kids said these kinds of things: I'd try to find a way in which their statement IS true. So, while I wouldn't agree that ice is hot, I might change course slightly and say that, touching something very cold (like a metal pole when it's freezing outside) can FEEL like a burn...or I'd ask if they ever heard of "freezer burn" and talk about that. At the best, we have an interesting conversation, at the least, we get away from discussing who's right and who's wrong.

[Coyote star]

Originally Posted by TortelliniMama

I've generally gone with "Oh, really?" and "I didn't know that." And now that ds is 4, he'll briefly insist that something is one way (despite reality) and then he'll announce, "I was wrong!" It really will pass, and it'll be easier on you to not even bother trying to win now.

This is exactly what I do. That way, I'm not lying to my children, I'm not perpetuating ignorance, and I'm not ignoring them. I state what the truth is, then, instead of arguing, simply reply with non-commital statements.

You know what they say- if you find yourself in an argument with a 3 year old, you've already lost.

[MissSJ]

Thanks for all the suggestions! I knew insisting, for example, that oragutans are from Asia and not Africa when he says so wasn't the right way to go about this. Sometimes I think he is testing what I will say and sometimes I think he is saying what he "wishes" was true. Now I have some great replies that are nonconfrontational. Thanks!

[mammal_mama]

Originally Posted by Ravin

I will overwhelm my DD with information. I'll start at her level, then if she doesn't believe me I'll use bigger words and/or look something up and show her and she'll go "Oh, yeah." Like she knows what I'm talking about.

You mean you overwhelm your dd with information she's not even asking for? Like, she's just saying something's a certain way (not asking for confirmation), but you feel compelled to overwhelm her to the point where she just backs down 'cause she doesn't know all those words?

I correct my DD when she expresses inaccurate information (rather than when she is pretending and using her imagination) because I want her to have the right information.

I could see correcting when your child's ASKING if she's got the right information ... but if she's just insisting and not wanting to be corrected -- do you honestly think this is her one last chance to learn that particular thing?

As she gets older, if we disagree I'll go to looking things up more often than I fall back on "who's in charge? The mama!" And sooner or later, she's bound to be right while I'm wrong and that'll be okay.

So ... persuading her to see things your way is part of what makes you feel "in charge?"

[WuWei]

I do not correct ds. He figures it out on his own, eventually and when he wants to. For instance, since about age 3, he has known left from right. For some unknown reason, he has decided to "change" left and right. I believe it makes as much sense for *him* to choose which is left or right as it does for me to "choose" which is left or right. He completely knows them correctly, but "corrects" me when I point a direction and say left. It is a game for him at 6.5.

But, who cares if a 3 year old knows "orangutans are apes". It really isn't important to be "correct". His understanding, or not, doesn't impact anyone. It gives him joy to say it his way and he'll learn organically soon enough. Another example is ds insisted that the moon comes up at night. I tried to explain about the position of the moon relative to the earth's rotation, and he understands the rotation and orbits. But for a while it "made sense" to him that the moon comes up at night, the sun comes up during the day. Really, a 4 year old doesn't need to "know" this one way or the other. And eventually, he was able to see with his own eyes that the moon is in the sky during the day. When it is relevant and matters, they want to know to understand the application, ime.

So, I'll just say "Is that what you think?" or "Hmmm...I believe xyz". But, he still insists on the opposite, when he has a need to, for whatever inexplicable reason. To little people, I believe it just seems arbitrary for adults to announce "facts" out of the blue, and they "try on" doing the same. The priority for me is that ds rely on his own ability to discern, when he prefers, rather than on external "experts" as ultimate sources of information. I happily tell him "I don't know, let's find out" about things also. And we refer to resources, but ultimately rely on our own observations and deductions.


Pat

[MissSJ]

Pat, This makes perfect sense. Thanks for replying, I always love reading your posts they always seem so full of wisdom and patience!

Originally Posted by WuWei

I do not correct ds. He figures it out on his own, eventually and when he wants to. For instance, since about age 3, he has known left from right. For some unknown reason, he has decided to "change" left and right. I believe it makes as much sense for *him* to choose which is left or right as it does for me to "choose" which is left or right. He completely knows them correctly, but "corrects" me when I point a direction and say left. It is a game for him at 6.5.

But, who cares if a 3 year old knows "orangutans are apes". It really isn't important to be "correct". His understanding, or not, doesn't impact anyone. It gives him joy to say it his way and he'll learn organically soon enough. Another example is ds insisted that the moon comes up at night. I tried to explain about the position of the moon relative to the earth's rotation, and he understands the rotation and orbits. But for a while it "made sense" to him that the moon comes up at night, the sun comes up during the day. Really, a 4 year old doesn't need to "know" this one way or the other. And eventually, he was able to see with his own eyes that the moon is in the sky during the day. When it is relevant and matters, they want to know to understand the application, ime.

So, I'll just say "Is that what you think?" or "Hmmm...I believe xyz". But, he still insists on the opposite, when he has a need to, for whatever inexplicable reason. To little people, I believe it just seems arbitrary for adults to announce "facts" out of the blue, and they "try on" doing the same. The priority for me is that ds rely on his own ability to discern, when he prefers, rather than on external "experts" as ultimate sources of information. I happily tell him "I don't know, let's find out" about things also. And we refer to resources, but ultimately rely on our own observations and deductions.


Pat