What do you think of this? - Page 2

[Hezzy]

nak

I agree with a lot of what's been said, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I just want to say, we've been dealing with a little of this - not as far as what you're going through. DP loves the babe and is glad we had him, but in addition to some work-related mid-life crisis stuff, he's having a little trouble bonding. It's getting better, though, as Django is beginning to smile a bit, and is finding ways of expressing himself that aren't crying, and as he spends more awake time not nursing. For us I think it's just a matter of time before I'll be fighting for DP to give him back to me.

It certainly sounds like your situation is more serious, but maybe the babe getting a bit older will help some.

[Isaac'sMa]

Originally Posted by Curlita

Oh, wow. I am sorry to hear this. We have a little bit of that going on here -- not so much the complaining and purposeful distancing, but I think that my husband is freaking out about being the father of two children, being part of a family of four, etc. He's suddenly gotten all fired up about demanding his "alone time" (which I get when exactly?) and has not been nearly as helpful as he was with Dylan -- I don't feel like we are functioning as a team.

He's definitely been asking (or just taking) more alone time. And yeah, it's like "when can I get some too?" Why does he think I take two showers a day?! Because that's the only time I have to myself and I can;t hear anyone cry or complain when I'm in there. At night when I get ready to shower he tells me to "hurry back" Um, yeah, right!

Originally Posted by Curlita

And this is totally OT but I have been trying to remember to tell you that we've implemented the behavior chart like you suggested with Dylan and the results have really been amazing! There is some stuff that he may never do ("being polite to Mommy and Daddy" has yet to get a sticker), but I'm really impressed at how quickly he got the idea that doing "good things" equals stickers and stickers equal a treat. It turns out that some things (like picking up toys) are not so painful to him that he cannot do them.

Although it's a little sad when he is whining for candy and so desperate that he weeps to me, "Mommy, I want to do some more good things." It just sounds so pathetic. ANd makes me think of Martha Stewart.

sweet! I'm so glad that works for you. In fact, it sounds like Dylan is just old enough for it to really be effective. I *wish* Isaac was begging me to do some more good things.
Yesterday he was dry at school all day and went 3x on the potty so he got to make some banana-nut-choc. chip muffins with me while caleb was asleep. He is so *not* deprived. And like another mama pointed out, first children (and their parents) have been dealing with the feelings a second child brings up for forever.

Originally Posted by sorteep

yet once again we lead parallel lives!! unfortunately this time... yikes girl, I am really sorry youa re dealing with this...
dh was raised as an oops and an "unwanted" baby by a physically and emotionally absentee dad... i ripped into him to not do same to dean..

your dh with history of depression prob needs much gentler care... does he respond to cranial work for his depression (triad of depression.. occ, sphenoid and another i forget... oops) or something like st john's??
Laura

Well, my dh was not "unwanted" but the reason he was in therapy in addition to the depression was b/c his dad is/was a workaholic and rarely at home. Only after three years of therapy was dh able to come to terms with his relationship with his father. In fact, he was terrified of parenting a boy because he felt like he would not be able to relate to him. He is extremely well bonded with Isaac now...and I am probably going to have ALL BOYS! (Mother Nature's way of reminding dh that he has to get past his own history and be present (emotionally) for his own children?!)

I've told him in no uncertain terms that emotionally abandoning Caleb is NOT an option for any reason...missing his birth, him being a boy, being a difficult infant (from his perspective). I will not let it happen.

I'm really not sure how he'd respond to tx with cranial work. Generally he is my least compliant patient. When he gets depressed especially, but in general too, I try to get him to take a multi-vit, B complex, fish oil etc but he never will, not even if I buy it for him...

Originally Posted by Hezzy

It certainly sounds like your situation is more serious, but maybe the babe getting a bit older will help some.

I think you're right. I can tell he's been making more of an effort the last few days. I also try to hand the baby off to him when I know he'll be happy for a while since I think that might help his feeling of this kid does nothing for me.

[Isaac'sMa]

In general things are improving, but I can tell at this point that it's still something I'll have to be vigilant about on some level for a while. I'm not sure if giving him "alone time" will help things or not. I'm thinking yes, so I'm trying not to feel too overwhelmed/abandoned. Dh works late Wed nights, so I'm alone ALL day/night with both kids, Thurs he went over to a colleagues house after work for a holiday party and then came home and left again to see a friend who is only in town once a year. And the Sat/Sun before that I was alone with both boys ALL day/night as he was helping a friend with an addition to his house. I felt like a single mama this past week. Here's a shout out to all the single mamas, 'cause I have *no* idea how you do it.

[maisiedotes]

I am so sorry you are going through this! I have no advice but wanted to offer some hugs. I think alot of us go through this to some degree... I hope you are doing OK today.

[StacieM]

I love him, but he "doesn't do anything for me" ??? Sounds like he's talking about an inanimate object. I just wanted to give you lots of (((HUGS))) - there's definitely something going on and I'm sorry he doesn't feel totally okay with talking with you about it. Maybe he doesn't want to hurt your feelings? Maybe he doesn't want to get bashed by you? Maybe he doesn't like how he feels and doesn't think he deserves any kind of "non-negative" response from you and that's why he doesn't think he'll get one and that's why he doesn't even want to discuss it because it may make him feel like he must be a bad person? Like you and the others have said - missing the birth may be a big part of it.

I really hope things work out very soon, or least start to get better. I don't know how I would be able to handle what you are going through. I once had DH say things to the effect of not wanting one of our kids while I was pg.....too long a story to share, but once she was born, none of those feelings stuck around...he loved her just as much as any of our other kids, but I remember how I felt. I remember feeling like you....like I was the ONLY one that loved that baby I was carrying. She was our 3rd girl (sort of like how Caleb is your 2nd son and the "moms" aren't really treating him like he's anything special). I remember thinking "Just wait...you all just wait until she's born. She's going to be the most beautiful, most adorable one that everyone won't be able to help but to love her." Funny thing is...that's what happened....and it's not only within the family. Whenever strangers or new people we meet see all our girls...this one that "no one" seemed to want once we found out she was "another girl" is always the one that people are most drawn to...she's always the one that people find most beautiful. DH doesn't even remember saying anything to the effect of not wanting her.

ANYWAY - like I said.....LOTS of and I really hope things get better soon.

[melissakc]

Originally Posted by scheelimama

Sounds like he's suffering from PPD. I believe men can get it too. And if he wasn't there for the birth, he's probably missing some connection with the baby, thus the "how do I even know he's mine." I doubt he actually thinks you cheated on him, it's probably more like, I didn't see him come out, so how do I know the nurses didn't mix him up. KWIM. Can you guys possibly go to a family counselor? They might be more skilled at treating this sort of thing.

That is what I was thinking. After they took DD1 away to the NICU I had a hard time believing later that she was mine. I kept wondering, How do I know they didn't switch babies? There must be something primal about being there to see the baby born and then holding onto the baby.

I hope he gets better soon.

[scheelimama]

Originally Posted by melissakc

That is what I was thinking. After they took DD1 away to the NICU I had a hard time believing later that she was mine. I kept wondering, How do I know they didn't switch babies? There must be something primal about being there to see the baby born and then holding onto the baby.

I hope he gets better soon.

That's why I'm so, so glad dh got to be at Piper's birth.