Explaining cancer to an almost-4 year old

[Diane B]

My sister in law, whom my almost 4 year old daughter is very close to, was just diagnosed with breast cancer. Anyone have tips to share for explaining this to my daughter? We have already explained that Auntie L is sick (since our holiday plans have changed due to her diagnosis) but of course, she doesn't seem sick since she hasn't undergone treatment yet.

Thank you.

[MommytoB]

boy your with me my stepfather has cancer in the prostate and he has surgery on jan 9 we are just hoping that it hasn't spread -so we don't know what stage it is they think its early but still a possiblity of spreading and we won't know the treatment either

[maxmama]

I would explain that the medicine to make her auntie better will make her feel sick while she's taking it. That seems about right developmentally.

[LaLaLaLa]

My mil is currently dying of cancer, and it's sad to her when her four grandkids--my two nieces are 7 and 5, and my kids are 3 and 2--are scared or nervous around her. My kids are a bit oblivious, but my nieces have a better grasp of what is going on.

I suppose keep things simple and give your dd some information about the changes she'll see in her aunt, as well as the things that won't change. For example, tell her that auntie will always love her and be delighted to see her, but sometimes auntie will be really, really tired and not be able to visit for as long. There will be doctors who will help her to feel better, and she might have to be in the hospital a bit so the doctors can be nearby to take care of her all day and night, just like when your dd is sick, you sometimes stay up all night to take care of her.

If radiation is part of your sister's treatment, tell your dd in advance that auntie is on a medicine that will make her feel better, but first she might feel kind of crummy and she might lose her hair. This is a VERY dramatic thing to happen to a woman, in a child's opinion. The first time around, my nieces were very frightened of my mil's bald head. She, and a couple of dh's other relatives who have had breast cancer (six so far), actually shaved their heads before they lost their hair, as a way to take some small measure of control. Dh's cousin, who was in her mid-thirties and had three young daughters, had a big ceremony where her kids and her husband took pictures and made posters and glued the hair onto them and stuff. But that's a bit off-topic. Back to the subject....

If your dd can grasp it, let her know that the reason the medicine makes auntie sick is because she has a disease in her, and when auntie is sick, the disease is also sick, but the disease is SO MUCH weaker than strong auntie that when auntie gets sick and tired and loses her hair, the disease goes away and then auntie can get better and even stronger and her hair can all grow back.

I'm so sorry your entire family is going through this. I hope your sil has a good prognosis and is able to beat this thing, and I hope you and your dd and everyone else involved is able to bond together and get through a tough situation.

[OakBerry]

My ds was 4 when I went through chemo.
I told him that mommy's cancer caused bad cells to grow in my body. I had to explain that our body was made up of cells and good cells vs. bad cells, he got it. Then I told him that I had to take medicine at the hospital to get rid of the bad cells. The medicine would work, but it would make me sick, lose my hair, feel tired, etc.
I made sure to tell him that it's not contagious (my 8 y/o nephew was worried about that) and not anything we can control, and that it's unlikely that he would get cancer. At that age they are protective and worried about their own body.

If you are going to be around your sil during chemo, you can also teach about the importance of good handwashing with your dd , and everyone in the family for that matter.

[catnip]

My DH is going through radiation therapy right now for recurrent benign facial tumors that are occurring in glandular tissue that is perilously close to the main facial motor nerve. We're lucky. It is not cancer, it is not likely to become a life threatening condition. It's still really scary and stressful.

K (2y11mo) knows that Daddy's face is owie, that he is tired, sometimes grouchy and needs extra rest. She knows that he gets lumps, and that the doctors are helping to make them not come back. She helps me make milkshakes and other soft, calorie dense foods that he can eat, brings him blankets when he takes his nap when he gets home from his treatments, and usually one of her dolls or stuffed animals as well.

[Diane B]

Thank you all SO much. These are all wonderful suggestions and very helpful.

[Yooper]

Bump.

I am interested as well. I have a 4 yo and my FIL was just diagnosed with VERY aggressive prostate cancer. They are not even going to treat it as it has spread to far and is growing too fast. We are at a loss as to how to address it with dd. Especially since we live far away so each time we will see him, there will probably be very obvious and startling changes in his condition. So far she knows he is sick and that everyone is very "worried" but we have not gotten enough past the shock to do much explaining. Should we tell her that he is going to die?

I was 8 yo when my beloved grandmother died of lung cancer. No one explained anything to me. Not because they did not want to but more because it was very rapid and frantic. All I remember is my parents whispering a lot, someone telling me grandma was "sick", and then she was gone To an 8 yo, and I am sure younger kids, "sick" means a cold or maybe throwing up, not death. I was quite the shock. And I was very angry because we lived far away and we did not have enough money to send the whole family to see her before she died. I never got to say goodbye. I really want to avoid that situation with dd, but I just do not know where to start.

[AuntNi]

Yooper, I'm very sorry to hear about your FIL.

Diane, my DD was the same age, almost 4, when my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer. He had surgery two days after the diagnosis, so we didn't have any time to prepare DD. Of everyone in the family, I'd say she handled it the best. I just told her Pa-Pa was sick and had a boo-boo in his belly. We visited him at the hospital almost every day for six weeks (he got a hospital-acquired infection that was very serious.) The first time we saw him after surgery, she was taken aback, but in a few minutes, she was like, "OK, this is the new normal," and she was herself with Pa-Pa again. She just made herself at home at the hospital. She colored, chatted with the doctors and nurses, and teased her Pa-Pa. She brought him a stuffed animal and presents. Truthfully, at that age, kids are mostly all about "how is this going to affect ME?" So I tried to keep it specific, like, "No, Pa-Pa can't play giddyup horsie with you right now, because his belly is sore. Would you like him to read you a story?"

Anyway, I just told her the truth without going into too much detail. (At 5 1/2, I would probably give more details.) I think it worked out fine.

Best wishes on your SIL's speedy recovery!

[SabraMamma]

Originally Posted by AuntNi

Anyway, I just told her the truth without going into too much detail.

yes- please be as honest as possible with your DD but also keep it simple. My DD was 4 1/2 when my MIL died from aggressive breast cancer. I think it is very important to try to point out stories of people who you know that have gotten better when they have had cancer (in our case FIL is a leukemia survivor). Depending on your DD you can talk about ways to help people with cancer (beyond her auntie) such as donating hair to locks of love or walking in a breast cancer walk, etc.

[Maple Leaf Mama]

I'm very interested in this thread. I have a 4 yo and my Dad was JUST diagnosed with lung cancer. No treatment is being done b/c of his weak heart/frailty.(he's 81)

My mum died of breast cancer a week after I turned 10.
I too was not told. many whisperings etc like the pp.
I knew something bad was going on- I spoon fed her jello the night before she died and that was a big WTF moment.

So I agree-don't keep things from her. Because kids will fill in the blanks with their imagiation. Just keep her in the loop using the most basic facts that she can understand.And be prepared for the inevitable--Willl you/Iget Cancer too?

My DD asked me that last week when she caught me crying over Mighty-Mama.

I wish your family well.

[Starr]

Oh Diane I am so sorry. My only advice would be to say "something". I was 4 or 5 when my uncle went through cancer and no one explained it to me and I knew something wasn't right. I remember wanting to ask my mom about it but she always seemed so sad. I don't think I fully understood the distinction from having cancer to having something like the flu. Whenever someone would come down with a cold I would get really scared.

Maybe explain Auntie is sick, its not contagious, but that she won't be feeling well for a while. Periodically ask her if she has questions and just reinforce all the positives.

[grandmakipper]

First what stage of Breast Cancer?

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Before you explain anything to your child, learn what stage of breast cancer her aunt has. I had breast cancer over seven years ago and have been cancer free since my surgery. I was one of the lucky ones that they caught the cancer on a mammogram while it was contained in a milk duct. They call it stage 0. I only had to have radiation treatment. I had discussed this with my grandchildren over the years in a very positive manner. After five years you are considered cured and any new cancer is considered just that "new". With today's technology and a skilled breast specialist, breast cancer is curable if it is caught early enough. I am only trying to say that you should know her chances before you tell your daughter anything. When I was a child the word cancer was an automatic death sentence but it is not any more.

Also, my grandchildren's father on their mother's side had prostrate cancer but they caught that early and he is doing fine. It is so important to talk with your doctor and make sure you get screened where it applies for breast, prostrate and colon cancer.

[Maple Leaf Mama]

Originally Posted by grandmakipper

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Before you explain anything to your child, learn what stage of breast cancer her aunt has. I had breast cancer over seven years ago and have been cancer free since my surgery. I was one of the lucky ones that they caught the cancer on a mammogram while it was contained in a milk duct. They call it stage 0. I only had to have radiation treatment. I had discussed this with my grandchildren over the years in a very positive manner. After five years you are considered cured and any new cancer is considered just that "new". With today's technology and a skilled breast specialist, breast cancer is curable.

I'm very happy that you are cured. That is wonderful.
But not all breast cancers are cureable. We lost one MDC mama this summer and we are about to lose another any day. (Mighty-Mama)
Just sayin.

[Maggi315]

My situation is a little different, but I'll share what we have done so far. I have a pituitary tumor that has destroyed the cortisol/adrenal section, making me very sick and weak and 2 hospital trips in november (never been in hospital before except for babies). I have a 2, 5, 8, 12, and 17yo. We told the little ones that I have a small tumor, like a little marble that's inside which makes mommy sick and tired. We told them we may take the marble out, or that I may have to go to the hospital and get medicine that will make the marble go away (radiation, but didn't want to go into too much detail with them about that).

We told them that sincethis marble is here (we named him Harold) it makes me feel tired, need naps, etc. and they need to let me know when they are scared. If and when I get surgery and radiation, we will go through that with them.

It has been very scary for them, I had to go by ambulance one night, my older girls put them inthe basement so they wouldn't see that, I had become unresponsive, and they were scared when I was in hospital and too weak to even visit with them. But we don't want to shield them from what's going on either. My grandmother and grandfather got verysick and no one told me, I took it personally that they didn't want me to come to the hospital.