That wasn't so hard, did I say enough?

[RolliePollie]

So my 14 y/o niece asked me today if she should go ahead and have sex with her b/f because she loves him so much and wants to lose her virginity to him. She said she learned sex ed at school and knows how to be safe. So, as tempted as I was to tell her that having premarital sex causes death , I just told her that if she's going to be with him forever (she wants to marry him) then there is no need to rush and to just take the time to get to know each other, have fun and be young. She seemed very content with my answer and told me I was right and that she should wait because she does want to be with him forever. Anything else I should keep in mind if she brings it up again? She doesn't have very many, if any, positive female influences in her life so I want to make sure I can be there for her when she does have these questions. I felt really special actually that she trusted me to ask me this. (Her mother died and her father is not an active role in her life).

[JustJamie]

I'm not sure what you should say to her, but I know what was said to me that "worked".

My parents were always very frank, made sure I knew about birth control, condoms, etc., and also told me that if I did happen to get pregnant as a teenager, they would adopt the baby and raise it as my sibling, if that's what I wanted.

But, what really got to me was talking to a friend (A) from school...her mom had been a virgin on her wedding night, and had told A about how special it made her feel, to know that she would only ever be with one man. A was so moved, that she decided that she too would wait until her wedding night. I figured, if she could, so could I.

I didn't wait til I was married, but I did wait til I was 19 and engaged (though I did not end up marrying him.) I have no regrets about when/where I lost my virginity, though I do sort've regret to whom I lost it.

[klosmom]

RolliePollie VERY GOOD response! I like that. I have no advise, but watching to see what others will say, as I too will have a teenager sooner than I'd like to think.

[Halfasianmomma]

My 2 cents: I'd tell her that once you have sex with someone, you can never go back. Things change for good. Sex is that powerful. It can confuse your emotions and make you feel hopelessly in love when in fact, you're simply vulnerable and "in lust".

In my *wild* days, I got into the bad habit of sleeping with male friends, and when it finally fell apart, I found that we couldn't "go back to being friends". It didn't work. It took me a long time to figure out how powerful sex can be between two people, and that one shouldn't jump lightly into the sack with anyone.

Aside from that, I think you handled it beautifully.

[motheringforme]

I think that was a great response. Sigh, how many of us thought that we would be with someone forever as a teenager?

[kennedy444]

I think what you told her was great and I also think that this:

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

My 2 cents: I'd tell her that once you have sex with someone, you can never go back. Things change for good. Sex is that powerful. It can confuse your emotions and make you feel hopelessly in love when in fact, you're simply vulnerable and "in lust".

is terrific too. There is "no going back."

I"m glad she has you to turn to.

[captain optimism]

What are your truest reasons for hoping she will delay having sexual intercourse? Why was your impulse to tell her "premarital sex causes death"-- because you're worried about accidental pregnancy? About her getting hurt emotionally? About people saying mean things about her for choosing to do this?

If she comes to you again, tell her those reasons--the real ones why this feels like an urgent issue to you.

I liked what you said this time. It felt truthful to me.

Do NOT tell her "there's no going back." Sometimes girls get pressured into doing sexual activities. If you say "there's no going back" then she'll think that once she's done it one time, she's not allowed to say no. I think it's good to be clear that even if you did a sexual act (say, fondling each other or something) you don't have to do it again, not even with the person you were dating. She can always "go back" and choose what she wants to do and when she wants to do it.

[mommy68]

I think it's great that she trusts you so much that she would even tell you this information. Most kids that age would be afraid you would tell their parents. I think what you told her was a very good answer, however, realize that she is going through peer pressure daily with her friends and pressure from that boyfriend to have sex with him. Even though you know he just wants to get in her pants she can never be convinced of that. Just hope she makes the best decision.

I remember being 14 and ready to have sex as well. I had a boyfriend that pushed me for a year to do it and by age 15 I did it. I hated it and never knew quite why I was even doing it. I just went through the motions and never understood it was supposed to be a loving thing between two people. I just thought I was supposed to do the nasty things my boyfriend told me to do. Now as an adult I see that I made the wrong decision back then. I wish more kids would listen to the adults around them who give them advice to wait and have sex when they are more mature and can understand WHAT sex really is.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by Halfasianmomma

My 2 cents: I'd tell her that once you have sex with someone, you can never go back. Things change for good. Sex is that powerful. It can confuse your emotions and make you feel hopelessly in love when in fact, you're simply vulnerable and "in lust".

exactly! very good way of looking at it. That's exactly how it was for me and half the people I knew back then. Sex at that age was all about lust and feeling I had to have sex since I was getting excited down there.

[SJane01]

Originally Posted by RolliePollie

So my 14 y/o niece asked me today if she should go ahead and have sex with her b/f because she loves him so much and wants to lose her virginity to him. She said she learned sex ed at school and knows how to be safe.

I think you responded appropriately. I do however, think that trying to convince our teens to avoid sex is a fruitless effort, and ensuring that they do it the right way (protected, knowledgeably, and For more mature reasons) is the best way to work with these issues.

[Halfasianmomma]

Originally Posted by captain optimism

Do NOT tell her "there's no going back." Sometimes girls get pressured into doing sexual activities. If you say "there's no going back" then she'll think that once she's done it one time, she's not allowed to say no. I think it's good to be clear that even if you did a sexual act (say, fondling each other or something) you don't have to do it again, not even with the person you were dating. She can always "go back" and choose what she wants to do and when she wants to do it.

This is a great add-on; she should know that if she decides to (safely) explore her sexuality, she has every right, at whatever time, to change her mind and stop.

By "no going back", I meant that sex changes the emotional relationship between two people, and that afterwards it's very hard to pretend like the sex never happened afterwards. I remember a few times when I scolded myself with "WHY did I sleep with him?! It would have been so much easier if I hadn't!".

[dharmamama]

I think you gave a very good response.

The two things I plan to tell my kids are that 1) Sex makes babies (assuming it is a heterosexual relationship), so if you don't want a baby, or don't want a baby with this person, or don't feel ready to handle the responsibility of a baby, then you're probably not ready to have sex. Yes, I know plenty of married adults have sex even though they don't want a baby, but to me, being an unmarried teenager and being a married adult are very different situations when dealing with an unexpected/unwanted pregnancy. and 2) Sex can be very emotional. How will you feel if you break up with this person in six months or a year? Will you be happy that you slept with this person even if you end up not getting married?

dm