I flat-out lied to DD - Page 2

[Daffodil]

Originally Posted by Heavenly

I am completely stunned that people think it is appropriate to discuss rape, suicide bombings and school shootings with 5 year old children.

Well, I'm not saying I'd start a conversation about any of those things. I just wouldn't freak out if my kid heard something about them and started asking questions. I know her well enough to be pretty sure she could handle a truthful explanation. (Actually, I think this stuff probably seems a lot less horrific to the average 5 year old than it does to an adult.)

[Ellien C]

I'm with the truth-tellers here. It's a challenge, but I try to answer questions honestly on the child-level. When she was 2, the Tsunami hit and everyone was talking about. I explained this at a very simple level. Recently I was reading a book about a child of the Halocaust who was one of 12 children and 800 adults to walk out of the Ludz ghetto. She goes to a Jewish school and I asked if she had heard anything about the Halocuast yet (she's 4.5 now). She hadn't, so I talked about how a very bad mad thought it was the right thing to do to kill certain people. I'm usually pretty neutral when I discuss thing (I don't usually say a very bad man) - I just give facts and let her decide if they are bad, but I was hard pressed to present any kind of neutrality with that one.

Anyway, I work very hard not to lie to my child and to present things at an age appropriate level, (like Rape is a way that people can hurt each other) but it might not be the right answer for everyone. I will say that my child absolutely knows when I'm uncomfortable with something and she'll really latch on those issues and push for details, so it's been quite a growth experience for me also.

[readytobedone]

Originally Posted by Heavenly

I am completely stunned that people think it is appropriate to discuss rape, suicide bombings and school shootings with 5 year old children. Whatever happened to innocence? I think you were 100% right to lie in that circumstance. I am going to let my children stay innocent a little longer, thanks.

well, i'll admit i don't have a 5 year old, but i do think childhood "innocence" is kind of a lie. i don't remember ever being as innocent (read: naive) as people treated me, but i do remember being very insulted at how i was "babied" and not told the truth.

[swellmomma]

Originally Posted by Meg Murry.

We haven't run across school safety issues because we homeschool, but in that situation, I might've said, "I'm sorry, but this concerns an issue that's not appropriate for me to talk about with you right now at this time. When you're older, we'll talk about it, for sure, but not at this time."

I tell my kids certain things are adult concerns/problems, and not made for kids to worry about. My son has anxiety disorder, and the news would make him a very frightened boy. We no longer watch the news, usually listens to books on tape int ehvan so they don't even hear news in the van. With my 9 yea rold I tell him teh truth on most things, if he asks, but there is some issues at this point I do not feel are appropriate,such as details about why his father and I separated/divorced, or how I had 2 more children without a boyfriend/husband and for those I tell them are adult concerns and when they are older, closer to 16 (I do give an age sometimes), I will tell them more if they still want to know.

[swellmomma]

LynnS6 your post reminded me of something. I have this irrational fear of white windowless vans. WHY? Because of stranger danger in school coupled by watching tv programs where they were always kidnapped in a white cargo van so no one could see them. Has nothing to do witht eh topic lol just reminded me, never "met" anyone with the same uncomfortable feeling about vans

back to your regularily scheduled thread

[beanma]

Background: I think my dd1 could be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder if we chose to go that route, but we've not so far.

In the radio situation I probably would have put the suggestion of a movie or something in her head, but I would have turned it into a question so I wasn't really lying.

DD1 (fearfully): "Mommy, what was that man saying about a 'school shooting' and a 'gunman?'"

Me: "I'm not sure." (I'm not. I changed the station and didn't hear the whole thing, so that's true.) "Do you think maybe he was talking about a movie or something? It didn't sound like anything we wanted to listen to. Would you like to hear some music instead?"

We so just don't go too many scary places with dd1, but I try not to flat out lie either. It's just like the Santa Claus thing. We don't play it up, but if they wanna play the game I'm happy to play along. If they ask if it's true, I turn it around and ask them what they think. dd1 sometimes says that mommy and daddy put stuff in the stockings, but sometimes she says that Santa is real. She doesn't really wanna know for flat out sure yet. She's actually more interested in pretending along this year than when she was little. She was very fearful of a strange looking man coming into her house in the middle of the night as a tot.

Back to the scary things like war and violent death and murder and rape and other atrocities, I do acknowledge that people can be very mean to each other sometimes, but I don't go into details about that kinda stuff. I approach it like sex ed and give little bit of info, but wait for them to ask more questions as needed. (Although, they really know quite a bit about sex). I think a lot of the news is practically R-rated in terms of violence and I definitely have some G-rated kids in terms of sensitivity.

That dialogue sounds a bit like I would brush it off and I wouldn't, but I would be happy to plant seeds of an alternative ending besides blood and gore. Maybe somebody took a gun to school and shot out windows, but didn't hurt anybody. Maybe it was a movie. Maybe it was a toy gun. I could think up a lot of nicer alternatives than a gunman killed a buncha people. My kid needs to know that there are people who might hurt other people out there, and she should listen to her mom and her instincts and stay away from folks she doesn't feel good about, but she doesn't need to know all the R-rated details of what one human being can do to another.

[AuntNi]

Originally Posted by beanma

In the radio situation I probably would have put the suggestion of a movie or something in her head, but I would have turned it into a question so I wasn't really lying.

Beanma, I like the way you phrased it. I'll try to keep that in mind in case a similar situation comes up again.

[Heavenly]

Originally Posted by readytobedone

well, i'll admit i don't have a 5 year old, but i do think childhood "innocence" is kind of a lie. i don't remember ever being as innocent (read: naive) as people treated me, but i do remember being very insulted at how i was "babied" and not told the truth.

Well I do have a 5 year old and a very sensitive almost 7 year old and my children could not handle discussing these issues. My son freaks out and hides if we even mention the word bear or blood. My children have nightmares a lot and I cannot imagine fueling that in any way.

[beanma]

Originally Posted by AuntNi

Beanma, I like the way you phrased it. I'll try to keep that in mind in case a similar situation comes up again.

glad I could help!

[BusyMommy]

It just totally depends on the child and the situation. We are very honest w/our kids b/c I'd rather have it come from us than 2nd or 3rd hand at recess w/their friends. And, I feel that if we confront it and discuss it, then we help prepare them for the challenges they'll face. Our schools practice lock-downs, e-quakes, and fire drills every month. They know why and they know that if they are "prepared," it helps to keep them safe.

I just talked w/my kids today about a group of adults & dogs who were surrounded and attacked by a pack of wolves a few miles from our house. I don't want them afraid (and they're not ) but I want them to be aware that our choices and reactions play into outcomes.