Help me with sibling conflict

[spiralmg]

The amount of minor sibling conflict around here is about to drive me mad. They are constantly squabbling over the same toy. Doesn't matter what toy it is, they always seem to want the same thing. It seems like every time I leave the room (for literally 10 seconds) or turn my back, DD (2yo) starts screeching because DS(4 1/2) is bothering her. Usually it is him wanting whatever she has. I'm struggling with how to deal with this. Ignore it? Stop it? I am finding myself feeling at wits end after long bouts of patience dealing with this for hours on end, day after day. What do you do when your kids are constantly fighting? When I try to remove (usually) DS from the situation, he throws a physical and crying fit. This has been happening countless times every day.

HELP.

[angela&avery]

separate them without blaming anyone....

"if you guys cannot play together, then you need to play separately... you play here and you play here"

this saved me!!! just try not to single out ds even though he seems to be the perpetrator.... it just makes them feel bad... separate both of them without blame.

[SabraMamma]

this doesn't help with the question of constant bickering- but if they are fighting over a particular toy, you can put the toy in time-out. Take the toy away if they can't work it out.

[P-chan]

My two are just the same age as yours, and I can sympathize. Here are some of the things I do, depending on my mood/energy level, and sometimes they actually work:

1. Teach my daughter to protect herself from her older brother, by leaving the room, finding somewhere else to play, or asking for help (instead of just screeching).
2. Find something interesting for my son to do, as he seems to bother his sister out of boredom. I don't think it's my job to entertain my kids all day, but I do see this kind of behavior as a silent for some help finding a new activity. Sometimes I'll just make suggestions ("Would you rather play with Legos?"), sometimes I'll set him up with an activity ("Let's get cups and food coloring so you can play in the sink"), and sometimes I'll do an activity with them ("Time to make muffins!").
3. Decide not to leave them unattended for any reason, and have a tickle-fest.
4. Tell them that they'll have to play separately for a while (nobody ever likes this idea).
5. Put the offending toy away and find an activity that has lots of pieces (cups in the bathtub, legos, etc.).

The book Siblings Without Rivalry has some good sibling techniques, too.

[MtBikeLover]

I explain that it seems like there is a problem going on. We only have one of those toys and you both need to figure out a resolution to the problem. I then sit with them and help them problem solve. You would be amazed at the suggestions that they come up with and how quickly they can solve a problem. You will need to be there to help them out, but once they reach a solution that they both agree on, then your job is done. Many times I have felt that it wasn't a fair solution to one of the kids, but since they both agreed and were happy with it, who was I to step in.

If they can't reach a resolution, then I give the toy a break until they are ready to work out a compromise. But I can honestly say I have probably only done this once or twice. They usually always work it out or move on to something else.

If I know for sure that one child had it first and the other took it away, then I will make sure that the other child gets it back. That means that I then have to comfort the other child and explain that they can't just take something from someone and they need to ask. I teach them how to ask and how to make a suggestion to someone, but I also explain that if they say no, they have to respect their decision.

On the screeching, I tell my almost 3yo DD to use her words if she needs something. "Your brother doesn't understand screeching and if you need something you have to talk to him."

I loved Siblings Without Rivalry. It totally changed the way I dealt with the rivalry issues and I can tell a huge difference in my kids because of that book.