Hold me up, Mamas, I'm sinking

[wwisdomskr]

Maybe I just don't know how to take care of myself or deal with stress anymore...I don't know.

The last few nights have been sheer hell. DD2 is hysterical all night long. Both babies have a terrible latch that I can't seem to fix and I'm in pain. Dd2 is literally beating the crap out of everyone in the family...kicking, slapping, etc. I think I have bruises on my back from yesterday evening. Dh finally took her for a drive because she just couldn't settle down and I could not handle being around her and staying calm.

Dh and I have been getting into stupid fights...and during them I get so desperate and irrational...and have really scary thoughts.

I don't want to see or talk to anyone. Forced myself to go along with dh and the kids to our friends house for lunch yesterday. I'm glad I did...but it was so hard.

I haven't been able to return my midwife's calls to schedule my 2 week postpartum appointment... I love her, and would like to see her...I just can't pick up the phone. Our postpartum doula is coming today and I'm dreading it. I love her too... So, I'm really grateful that we hired her because I know that this is why. If we didn't have people scheduled to come, I would totally isolate myself and sink into a hole. I just have this thing... I hate being fake, but I can't let people see me when I can't hold it together...so I just hide and try to survive. ...And hope that I still have some friends when I come back out (which hasn't been the case, lately.).

[WeasleyMum]

Not in your DDC, but couldn't read and not post... I'm sorry things are so rough right now. Maybe the doula-visit will help a bit. Is it PPD, do you think? I have nothing helpful but wanted to offer support, I am trying to send healing peaceful thoughts your way.

[2crazykids]

You sound really overwhelmed right now. Accept all the help you can get. It's ok to be vunerable right now. Reach out and tell others how you are feeling. It's ok to need a lot of help. We weren't meant to parent in solitude like this. I wish I could do more.

Please get some help with the kids and grab a moment for yourself!

[isosmom]

It can be so hard to let people see you like this. I had terrible ppd with ds1 and honestly talking about it with other people irl really helped. It sounds so lame, but just admitting I was having trouble opened the door to relieve it. I talked to dh before this babe came and asked him for his help in recognizing the signs in me and being pro-active (again, sorry for the lame word) in my ppd should it rear it's head this time.
No matter how hard it is for your ego, seek out and accept help. You cannot do this alone.
HTH a little and I'll be checking on you.

[*Lindsey*]

Jessica, you do sound very overwhelmed. Please call your mw for your pp check and discuss how you're feeling with her. Things will get better, but you may need to ask for help. Please don't be ashamed.

[MamaHippo]

Hang in there, mama. I know exactly how you feel. Letting people help you is so incredibly hard when you dont want them to see you at less than your best, but you need to let them relieve you. Please call your midwife and get her over there ASAP to check you over, and tell her how you're feeling. Let the pp doula do some housework or hold the baby while you sleep and let DH take your other DD out. I'm guessing she's having a hard time adjusting to the changes and sensing the tension in you and your Dh is making her scared, and thus more acting out? I wish I had some better answers for you.. I struggle with these exact issues myself and am not much above where you are. But you CAN do this, this isnt forever...your DD will adjust, you and your DH will adjust, and the new baby will get day and nights figured out. Its like transition - its scary and intense and painful, but it doesnt last long. You can get through this - youre strong enough, you're good enough, you can do it.




Lisa

PS- i'm taking my midwife's herbal prescription against ppd- its an herbal supplement called Happy Camper, plus 3000 mg of Omega 3 oil and Metagenics Myocalm for anxiety. It seems to be working quite well.. I'm not near as hysterical as I was when I had PPD with DS.

[boogiemonster]

NAK

Please take care of yourself, mama.

[sandiegokristi]

NAK



Lots of hugs and support coming your way. I hope that you are able to find peace soon. Take of yourself mama and accept all of the help that comes your way.

[chrysalis]

jessica,
i will always catch your fall mama...i will not let you sink.

i totally can relate to how you must be feeling. i go thru my own moments w/ feeling this way as well. i'm so sorry you are going thru this as is your dd2. megh and i have been going thru our own rage cycle ourselves and i'm trying so hard to break it. i even have her in counseling now as well as myself. i definitely agree w/ lindsey about talking honestly w/ your MW about how you are feeling. and going to a counselor or calling a hotline could help too. i have a 'baby blues' number here you could call...doesn't matter if you are there and they are here. let me get that... 541-322-2768. i'm sure there are other programs more local to you but i'm sure these people wouldn't turn you away if you just needed to talk to someone that is more neutral, who doesn't know you... can you maybe enroll dd2 into some sort of a daycare for a few hours per day or something? maybe that would help get her out to play and make friends and be happier as well as give you a break from one another? huge hugs and please hang in there. if you are feeling really weird i'd talk to a dr. and/or a therapist. i know how it is when you are stressed to the max in the midst of PPD and the psychosis comes into play. when the war in iraq started up megh was about 8 mos. old or so and she was sleeping in the bedroom in the bed. well above me as i typed on the computer i heard what sounded to ME like missles and in MY mind the world/life was over and korea (i think it was north korea at the time was threatening us as well) was saying they'd get us and anyway....i ran into the bedroom, scooped up my sleeping meghan and ran outside on the front steps to prepare for the END of the world as we knew it. well.....NO ONE else was outside their homes-turns out it was just some loud jet plane(s) going overhead (i DID live in a town w/ an airport...but my MIND didn't care, it told me END OF THE WORLD) and i thought OMG i'm LOSING IT i'm so stressed out from my relationship w/ her bio father, from caring for my sdd who was 3 at the time (i had her F/T pretty much) who is meghs' paternal sister and from the iraq/korea thing going on etc. it was then i realized i needed serious HELP. i went to mental health, got on my meds for depression/anxiety (i take lexapro) and w/in 2 wx i ended it w/ that ex. please get help jessica. i'm very worried about you. don't be ashamed, you are NOT ALONE in this. sometimes i feel like an absolute monster w/ my dd. i hate myself for it too. i can't turn back time but i can go forward and get us both the help we need. and i can get help. i'm enrolling megh in a preschool and i think she will be happier going there regularly like 3 half days per week. i've never been one to send my young dc to daycare or pawn them off on others but there comes a time when you get so desperate for sanity and rest that it becomes crucial. anyway....please keep posting. we love you here.......... i'm so glad you trust us to be so vulnerable and transparent. now your assignment is to be that way w/ those caring for you in real life, f2f. i know this is hard...i hide out too and also hide behind a mask of joyfulness. i've fooled many a therapists too when i think i'm feeling good and then i hit bottom again and boom. they never see me at my worst cuz i actually LIKE going to counseling. lol why i don't know. you are afloat mama...don't you worry...i gotcha.

[Isaac'sMa]

NAK.
JEssica, First off, s and more s
I couldn't read and not post, although I don't have much to add to what pp have already said. Let me also beg you to reach out to someone, anyone.

Can you get to a LC with Olurun? That might help his latch issues ad your pain. Is it possible to deny the breast to dd2 for a little while? I felt bad denying ds1, but it helped me not feel as sore when ds2 was trying to get the hang of nursing (ds1's latch isn't the greatest anymore either...) It sucks to be in physical pain, and I think that getting that solved, might *in part* help your outlook on everything else.

Hugs again. Please check back in with us. You know we're here for you.

[lisalulu]

nak

Wow-it sounds really overwhelming at your house right now-I can't imagine.

Please call your mw-or ask dh to do it for you if thats easier. I got pretty down after ds1 was born and refused to call the dr or midwife and I know I should have-especially looking back on it now. And please keep posting!

[chubbycheeks]

Sending hugs and prayers your way Mama. I hope you find peace, and I will be thinking of you.

[monocyte]

nak
like everyone, you've reached to us for help, reach out locally for more!

pm me if you want to chat

[TulikaEma]

How are you doing today?

[wwisdomskr]

I left a message for my midwife. I hope that I can answer the phone and be honest when she calls back. Thanks for keeping my in your thoughts.