Gifts between spouses question.

[rsummer]

I have no idea. I would share your mixed feelings of holy cow we can't afford this and thankyou honey for your celebration of me... Honestly I think that most men just need a solid introduction to Home Goods and the polish crystal candle votives that are less than 7 dollars and beautiful because its nice to keep your money when you have none... But if you haven't noticed it come out of your account, maybe he picked up the money from somewhere else

[velochic]

I would proceed with a great deal of caution in this situation. I think it's important that your dh understands how incredibly thoughtful and kind his gesture was, but I also think that keeping the gift is out of the question. If I were accepting donations for Christmas presents for my children, I couldn't in good conscience keep a gift that cost a few hundred dollars. Plus if any of my acquaintances knew that I had this new "thing" and they had donated for my kids to get gifts, they would justifiably be upset.

So, while I think it's really important that your dh get the message that what he did was wonderful, there is no way to keep the gift if your financial situation is as you say it is. I would open the gift, get ecstatic to the point of tears, then with all the emotion I could muster, turn to dh and say, "Oh honey. It's wonderful! But you know we can't afford this. I'll keep the memory of this gift in my heart forever, but you know I'll have to return it." Gush, gush, gush... love, love, love, then take him into the other room to have sex with him, and he'll never remember that you rejected his gift. (That last part was tongue-in-cheek of course. I guess the main thing I was saying is that it's important that he doesn't feel PERSONALLY rejected for what he did, but rather feels good about what he did, even if he did spend more money than you can afford.)

[Poddi]

Well wait until you see it first. Maybe it's actually a great bargain for that price. I do get annoyed about DH buying stuff because he never watch for sales and always pay an inflated price. He doesn't have any problem letting me take them back, though. I'm pretty blunt about stating my opinions and he's used to that. If your DH isn't the super-sensitive kind of guy I'm sure he'll be OK with you taking it back.

[sanguine_speed]

I know I would absolutely be angry. In your situation, you needed to discuss that beforehand--it's just asking for disaster not to. He's "celebrating you" by spending how many hours of that extra part-time job you had to take?

[sanguine_speed]

Originally Posted by velochic

I I guess the main thing I was saying is that it's important that he doesn't feel PERSONALLY rejected for what he did, but rather feels good about what he did, even if he did spend more money than you can afford.)

I think that would leave him thinking he did the right thing. And he didn't.

[SugarAndSun]

I would be really mad. If we are both working to conserve money, I would not want him to spend money like that. I really wouldn't be considerate of his feelings either... but then again DH isn't really sensistive or anything. Before we had kids when we made pretty good money he would send me flowers at work all the time from this expsive florist. I used to get SO mad at him. He finally stopped doing it. That said, he bought me a bike for my last birthday, which I loved.

[gargirl]

Wow, that is a tricky situation... I agree there is potential for problems with having had donated presents given to your kids and the splurge of yout husband. That could certainly lend itself to hard feelings from those who wanted to help you out. I mean, I personally would understand that YOU had nothing to do with it and that your hubby apparently had some kind of stroke in the financial understanding part of his brain, but I think a lot of folks might miss that point somehow.

I don't know what to say.

[jennlyn]

I think you need to remember that most men give gifts as an expression of their love and if you reject the gift, you risk him feeling rejected, just as velochic said. You haven't seen the gift yet. Maybe it is something you have expressed a longing for that will help you save time/money/help you cook healthier, or a warm down comforter because you've turned down the heat to save money or nice shoes for you to wear to work, a computer to help you work from home- who knows? If he isn't working, he may feel he is not providing for you and his feelings of manliness are threatened. By giving you this gift, he is showing his love for you. I would tread carefully and see what the gift is before making any judgements. I have a friend whose partner very plainly told a counselor that her rejection of his gifts was a major problem. She thought she was being practical, while he felt the gifts were expressing his love. I think it is harder for frugal, practical people to accept gifts, but isn't a good gift something you'd love to have, but won't treat yourself to?

[mightymoo]

I would try not to assume anything for the moment - who knows perhaps he isn't spending as much as your mom thinks? Perhaps he consulted with her about what kind of X to get you, and they usually cost $150, but he has a friend who will sell him a practically new used one for $20? I could see it happening.

[superstella]

And also, if he had your mom's help in planning it is there any chance he had your mom's help in paying for it?

[lightheart]

I wouldn't gt upset until you find out what it is, might be a very practical gift like a washing machine or a new clothes line or a new transmission for the car.

Don't feel like you have to 'match' gifts price wise, something that costs a quarter or is free because you found it along side the road may mean more to him than something that you broke the bank buying.

If it turns out to be a do-dad or a bauble that has absoulutly no use whatsoever then you might question things... but until you know just relax, and practice a big smile in the mirror just in case

Hope you guys have a happy holiday!

[mamamilkers]

I am sort of in a little bit similar situation. My DF is spending money on me that is outside of our price range but he said it is something he really wants to get me and got a really good deal on so he couldn't pass it up. I can't help but wonder if that is what your DH has done?

At any rate I agree with velochic on how you should handle it. If he is putting that much effort in to it it likely really means a lot to him to give it to you. I wouldn't be mad at all but I would make it clear it was going back.

Oh I was also wondering where your DH got the money? I imagine if you are struggling you don't just have that kind of money laying around! You also do not have to reciprocate the same amount of money in a gift to him.

i hope your family has a wonderful holiday! And now I'm dying to know what the gift is!!!

[starling&diesel]

me too ...

We're winding down the gifts to each other this year in preparation for charity-giving only next year (and a wee stocking for us). I was doing well ... I bought a carving set for her, and framed a couple of her childhood pictures. Done.

Then she started to say she'd spent "Waaaaaay too much money" on me.
"How much?" I asked. She shook her head. "Too much, babe. Too much."

After some serious thought (there very well may be a brand new snowmobile in the driveway on Christmas day ... or it could just be a oh-la-la shmancy pair of pj's, who knows?) I decided to be gracious and set aside my criticism and accept her gift in the spirit that it was given.

Then, we'll give it a couple of months and I'll get a firm commitment that come next year, no spending ("Remember, hon, we're on the same page about this, politically, philosophically and financially, right?"), and if either of us blow it (I certainly won't, but including me in the consequence softens the blame game) we'll hold each other responsible for taking it back. We'll call this the practice run. Next year, $0.
Nada. Bupkus. Zip.

For now, what's one last hoorah if it comes from the heart?

[sarasprings]

Originally Posted by sanguine_speed

I think that would leave him thinking he did the right thing. And he didn't.

But if the OP doesn't graciously back out of the gift, her husband will be mad at her, not himself for going overboard. (I know this by recent, painful experience, too. My MIL did something to my son that was pretty mean and when I talked to her in an "ugly" voice, all she and her husband could do was blame me for this and that. They couldn't focus on the issue.)

While she does need to see what it is, velochic was absolutely right. Getting him onboard is what she wants, not to antagonize.

[Belleweather]

Originally Posted by mightymoo

I would try not to assume anything for the moment - who knows perhaps he isn't spending as much as your mom thinks? Perhaps he consulted with her about what kind of X to get you, and they usually cost $150, but he has a friend who will sell him a practically new used one for $20? I could see it happening.

Absolutely. It very well could be that he found something used, or bartered for it, or is working with a friend or something to get it for you without going over budget. In fact, unless he's got ready access to cash or credit cards outside your accounts that's pretty much what HAS to be happening, since you'd mentioned that there isn't money missing from your household budget.

I was in this situation with DH two years ago. We had NO money, plus DS was a tiny newborn, so we'd set a hard and fast rule that we'd spend no more than $35 on gifts for one another. I'm a dyed-in-the-wool bargain hunter, and I found a fabulous $300 designer watch for 92% off online. With $2.95 shipping I brought it just under the wire. He was mad at me for overspending getting him something so nice when we were so poor. I had to show him the online order slip before he'd stop yelling at me for being irresponsible. And then I was angry with him for not trusting me to take care of our finances and stick to our agreements. NOT our finest hour as a married couple -- but we both learned not to jump to conclusions.

Honestly, I'd sit down with him and tell him what your mother told you. Let him know that you're overwhelmed that he'd try to spoil you like that, but you're worried that he spent $500 of money that you need for the household. Let HIM tell you what is going on. And then trust him until you've got a reason not to.

[Mommabean]

Yikes.

I would print the Sears coupon and go pick up a whole bunch of FREE tools. (that's what the kids' and I did)
I posted a link to it earlier in here...i'll find it.

You can get even a tool box to put them in ...Hope this helps out even a wee bit!

Hang in there!

[ReikiMommy07]

I'd be extremely angry! I'd be grateful for the gift of course and not say anything negative at the time. But, say, a few days after Christmas, I'd bring up that he spent a lot and shouldn't have, explain why he shouldn't have--as if he doesn't know! :--and don't spend much on him, as you planned. After all, you're not supposed to know about the big expensive gift he has for you! So whatever you spend on him should have no bearing on what he's spent on you, esp. since he didnt discuss it with you. Now is certainly not the time to be buying $100+ gifts! I know about SS/FS/WIC/etc... Been there... Save all you're allowed to, asset-wise, and don't over-spend! SS won't always be around, you know.

[ReikiMommy07]

OTOH I'd be mad at your mom too, for telling you stuff. Why is it her business what you spend on DH? If he asks for her help, that's on him. But she had no right to talk to you about it.

And upon reading the replies, I agree with Belleweather.

[Daniel's Kitty]

Be evry careful about telling him he has to take it back. That could cause hurt for years. I know how I would feel if dh told me to take his gift back we can't afford it, I would be ticked at him. If it seems over the top after Christmas then talk to him.

Just keep going with what you already want to do.

[Ecstatic]

Don't assume anything, first. Your mom might not know the actual price. She might be guessing based on new items and he may have gotten it at a bargain in a second hand store or on CL, etc. So, wait until you see the gift.

It could also be something that costs money now, but will save in the longrun.

So, I'd wait until I saw it before passing any judgements.

I'd probably feel torn, though if it was expensive and not useful in the longrun. On the one hand, it's so nice of your partner to get something special for you, put thought into it, want to make your xmas happy, want to make you happy. On the other hand ... the fact that you need all the money you can save is very important.

I think my reaction would depend on what it is, essentially.