To the step-moms out there... - Page 2

[sostinkinhappy]

Originally Posted by nikag

In my opinion, it's often advantageous to take a moment to consider one's own contribution to a situation especially when change is not forthcoming from the other individuals involved. It may be that they are reacting to or seeing something that you can't see for whatever reasons. Better to consider that possibility, address it, and get it out of the way rather than risk impeding the process of reconciliation - if reconciliation is the primary goal.

Good luck to ya.

Hope it all works out the way you hope.

I couldn't agree more, which is one of the reasons I posted my query in the first place. Thank you for the good wishes.

[TinkerBelle]

She may actually be feeling some shame for being the "other woman". Maybe that is why she won't face you.

She ought to be thankful that you seem to have moved beyond and seem very forgiving. I know that I would have a very hard time even speaking to someone who slept with my husband. You are very strong.

You are a very kind person, Mama. Perhaps she will come around. Maybe your ex could talk to her.

[nikag]

Originally Posted by sostinkinhappy

I couldn't agree more, which is one of the reasons I posted my query in the first place. Thank you for the good wishes.

I was just playing devil's advocate, mamma.

Plus I couldn't help but relate the her...not in terms of being the other woman, but in terms of not being entirely comfortable having a relationship with DH's ex - but in our case, it would be impossible anyway as she isn't open or particularly nice or if she is, it doesn't last long.

I thought that since I could see it from a certain point of view, then it is possible that she could see it from the same point of view. That isn't to say that's your intention....but I thought it worth considering. If she does see it that way, maybe she'd be open to hearing that it isn't that way at all.

Anywho, good vibes and best wishes once again.

[momsadvice]

Honestly I think too much time has passed and she has come to terms with the relationship you already have. Some do not like change and if it is working for her then she may not even consider change. I would keep trying but get dh involved more. What have the custody split visitation been like for all these years as well. That could have a huge part to do with stuff as well. I will say I wish you were my step children's birth mother and would pick you to deal with if all is true any day over the one I am stuck with.

[sostinkinhappy]

Originally Posted by momsadvice

Honestly I think too much time has passed and she has come to terms with the relationship you already have. Some do not like change and if it is working for her then she may not even consider change. I would keep trying but get dh involved more. What have the custody split visitation been like for all these years as well. That could have a huge part to do with stuff as well. I will say I wish you were my step children's birth mother and would pick you to deal with if all is true any day over the one I am stuck with.

I have had my moments of my head popping off and spinning around (like the day I found out that they had been involved when she was his HS student--she was 18 at the time so it was all legal, but still...come on folks! That was the same time that he told me her maiden name for the first time. We are/were from a small town and he knew I would know immediately who she was, especially since her dad was my freakin' therapist at the time!!!! Trust me, I truly have had my moments, but fortunately I have never had them in front of DS or her.

I have had primary physical custody for the entire time we have been divorced, but he does spend he majority of his summers at their home. I have talked with DS dad in the past about this, but he is adamant that he can't control his wife (which is true) and therefore won't talk to her about the issue. When I try to talk to him, it just causes more grief than not so I pretty much have just let the issue be--"accept the things I cannot change." It's just sometimes, the lack of what ever it is that is needed to have a truly functional relationship is more apparent than others. This was one of those times and it brought the questions of what I could do to help foster things along. Perhaps the best solution right now is to just express my gratitude that she stopped by and invite her to do it again when she is in the area.

Certainly, this has been a learning experience and a good chance to reexamine my motives and reasoning.

Thanks again for all of the thought provoking comments and advice! (And that does include you, nikag! )

[violet_]

Originally Posted by sostinkinhappy

I have had my moments of my head popping off and spinning around (like the day I found out that they had been involved when she was his HS student--she was 18 at the time so it was all legal, but still...come on folks! That was the same time that he told me her maiden name for the first time. We are/were from a small town and he knew I would know immediately who she was, especially since her dad was my freakin' therapist at the time!!!!

Oh, well that gives a new insight. Maybe her trouble in dealing with you is related to her youth? I'd be intimidated as hell if I were 18 and trying to figure out how to be a stepmom to my former HS teacher's kids!

Just a thought..

[sostinkinhappy]

Originally Posted by violet_

Oh, well that gives a new insight. Maybe her trouble in dealing with you is related to her youth? I'd be intimidated as hell if I were 18 and trying to figure out how to be a stepmom to my former HS teacher's kids!

Just a thought..

She's 28 now...I could understand it when she was 18, but I was hoping that maturity would have set in by now. Perhaps it is, as evidenced by her stopping by on her way out of town. She didn't have to do that and I really appreciate that she did, for DS sake. It made him so happy to see his sister and see her.

I have just chalked her hesitancy and stand-offish behavior to her age mostly , to the circumstances of her hooking up with my ex, and to the things I am certain my ex MIL said about me (that woman hated me with a white hot passion because I wasn't the "right kind" of girl because my bio-dad was headed to prison for child molestation...like that was my fault?). At any rate, maybe enough time has passed that she is beginning to see that I really don't hold her at fault for what happened 10 years ago--she was just 18 for crying out loud! I just want our DS to be happy and not to feel like he has to live with a heart divided between his families.

I am hoping that her visit, which took tremendous courage on her part, marks the beginning of a thaw in relationships.