family vs breastfeeding

[motherearthdancer]

:So my Sis in law sent my husband a text message today that essentially said that he needed to tell me that I need to cover up when breastfeeding my kids b/c she doesn't want her kids (2 year old, 5 year old and 9 year old) exposed to it b/c its inappropriate and it also makes other family members uncomfortable!

I was shocked and hurt. I've always liked my SIL dispite that she is very mainstream and we have different parenting styles. Recently my husband and his brother had a falling out. We have decided not to associate with him b/c we don't feel safe having our kids around him do to a personal situation that occured involving my husband and some of his brothers files on their moms computer. MIL and SIL seem to feel like I am pressuring my DH to react the way he has. I've been honest about my feelings and support of my DH with them, but my poor hubby feels torn now between us and them. MIL wants a nice "family" x-mas and just found out tonight that her father is dying. She wanted to get together tommorw and have a nice x-mas celebration with us before she travels to be with her father on his deathbed essentially. I stil don't feel safe exposing my kids to their uncle, but at the same time I feel terrible making my MIL go through us not coming because he'll be there when she is going through so much.

It sounds like a friggin' mini drama doesn't it? Anyways, I feel like my SIL reaction to my breastfeeding is reaction to her falling out with my husband and she is taking it out on me. Obviously I'm not going to just cover up b/c they suddenly feel uncomfortable, but since houses are private, and have the right to ask me to cover up, I don't feel comfortable at her house anymore. How do I explain to my 3 year old why he can't play with his cousins anymore, and how to I express my upset to the rest of the family about being put into such a position with all the drama going on. Our family is normally very close and I feel like we are falling apart

I tried to be discreet for those in my family who seemed to be bothered by my nursing, but just last week I decided that I wouldn't do it anymore. Its just not worth it and I feel like by doing it I'm somehow sending the message that there is something wrong with what we do, and I don't feel that at all. I'm very proud to be a breastfeeding mama. I feel very lucky to have a 3 year old that still wants to nurse, and I'm not going to be embarrassed anymore to let him nurse in public. If I don't stand up for mothers who breastfeed older kids, then who will, right.

I've decided today to officially awknowlege myself as a lacatvist!!!! At least something good came out of this situation. What do you think?:

[Turkish Kate]

Originally Posted by motherearthdancer

I've decided today to officially awknowlege myself as a lacatvist!!!! At least something good came out of this situation. What do you think?:

[Momtwice]

It sounds like it's more convenient to scapegoat you than to focus on what the real problem is in the family.

If it weren't the breastfeeding it would be something else.

Just keep in mind that HER point of view is inappropriate. Yes, she has a right to her feelings about bf, but it is inappropriate for her to interfere with a child being lovingly fed, and it is inappropriate for her to promote the idea that a child eating is a shameful thing for her children to see. I would calmly state these facts to her with great gentleness if you think that would help.

[amandaleigh37]

Hmm that is a tough situation I"m sorry you have to deal with that. I think you're absolutely right though... maybe a compromise would be something like "I'm not going to change the way we nurse, we will continue to do so how WE are comfortable... but I will let you know when so you may remove yourself and your children if you wish" Of course I think it's ridiculous that you'd have to "warn" someone, but clearly the problem lies with her, and maybe that would keep the drama to a minimum, for the sake of your mother?

[llamalluv]

I tried to be discreet for those in my family who seemed to be bothered by my nursing, but just last week I decided that I wouldn't do it anymore. Its just not worth it and I feel like by doing it I'm somehow sending the message that there is something wrong with what we do, and I don't feel that at all. I'm very proud to be a breastfeeding mama. I feel very lucky to have a 3 year old that still wants to nurse, and I'm not going to be embarrassed anymore to let him nurse in public. If I don't stand up for mothers who breastfeed older kids, then who will, right.

Hmmm...to me, "discreet" means that you don't strip down to the waist to breastfeed. I doubt you are doing anything wrong.

I think that our society, in general, has become so selfish, and somewhere along the line that became acceptable. I've noticed more and more that etiquette has flown out the window in favor of people wanting to NEVER be inconvienced or "uncomfortable". Ugh.

Since I highly doubt that you are walking around in less than what a striper would wear, I would dare to say that you are being as polite and discreet as possible.

I'm also reminded of another poster on here who has a sig line something to the effect of "If breastfeeding is sexual, bottlefeeding is the equivalent of whipping out a dildo"

As to the "files on the computer"? If they are what I think they are, there is no way in hell I would let my child be around that man. And I would put my SIL in her place about that, as well. My mother grew up around "that" and anytime she even suspected "that" was a thought in a grown man's head, she all but put my sisters and I on a leash to keep us within arms reach of her if she couldn't avoid him altogether.

[Turkish Kate]

Originally Posted by llamalluv

"If breastfeeding is sexual, bottlefeeding is the equivalent of whipping out a dildo"

laughup : :

[llamalluv]

Originally Posted by Turkish Kate

laughup : :

That's EXACTLY what I think every time I read it. And then DH gets upset with me when I giggle during services because a bottlefeeding mom just stuck a rubber nipple in her babies mouth RIGHT IN FRONT OF GOD AND EVERYONE!



The sad thing is, somehow I don't think that anyone else will see a parallel and I'll have to feed our baby down in the basement where it's more "private". Not that is actually IS, because all the space down there is either occupied classrooms, bathrooms, and the supply closet - and the "nursing chair" is right smack dab in the middle of the hall. But, I will probably still be asked to go nurse down there, where anyone walking to the loo can get an eyeful anyway. : (So, what's the point?!)

[Breastfeeding Insomniac]

Originally Posted by Momtwice

It sounds like it's more convenient to scapegoat you than to focus on what the real problem is in the family.

ITA! I don't know what the files you saw were, but I can only imagine if you want to keep him from your kids now. If your SIL knows what you know and she is choosing to keep her own kids in the presence of this person, than I would say that they are making your bf the red herring to distract from whats really going on here. If you go for your MIL's sake, never take your eyes off your kids, and if SIL bitches about your bf, then I would say you can not do it in private bc you need to watch your kids around her husband.

Just a story from my past, about 8 yrs ago, my bf at the time started dating a guy she meet on a telephone chat line. She talked for weeks about how wonderful he was blah blah blah, so one day I drop her sister off there and went into say hi, and the guy was there. My alarm went off,for some reason i saw a flashing light over his head that said pedophile. I don't know what it was, but then the next thing I knew he was trying to play w/ my kids and trying to tickle my kids, which is completely innapropriate. I left immediately and then called my friend the next day. I flat out told my friend I thought something was up, also he had been a NYC school teacher and had been fired, if anyone knows of the NYC school system, they are desperate for teachers, so firing someone must mean they did something pretty serious. Anyway, it basically ended our friendship, she married him, and less than a year later called me up confiding that he left her, he told her he couldn't be himself around her, and that he liked to be free to draw pictures of naked children. His older and even stranger sister came to get him, and they started talking about how now they can "play dollies again" now that he was coming home. I helped bring her to the precinct and file a report but they wouldn't take a report based on him wanting to draw pictures of naked children.

So don't be afraid to go with your gut on this one. If people are offended so wat. The safety and well being of your children comes first.

[zoebird]

i agree that this is a red herring and that if you go, you should keep a hawk's eye on your children.

[rmzbm]

No way would I go and I'd make darn sure they know why.

[motherearthdancer]

I very much feel like a scapegoat in this situation

[motherearthdancer]

Originally Posted by Breastfeeding Insomniac

ITA! If you go for your MIL's sake, never take your eyes off your kids, and if SIL bitches about your bf, then I would say you can not do it in private bc you need to watch your kids around her husband.

Actually its not her husband its her brother. MIL lives with her eldest son (40) {as a sidenote: he's been kicked out of everyones house he's ever lived in for issues with mastubation...like doing it where people can walk in on him} SIL has 3 kids and says she does't think he is capable of anything like molistaton, and refused to believe her younger brother (My husband) without proof, even though he can't prove that the files he saw were legal or not (shortly after being confronted BIL deleted everything off MIL computer saying it must be some kind of trojan horse from his file sharning programs)...

Both MIL and SIL say that will not choose one son/brother over the other but it sure feels to me as if they are beliveing him over my husband. We have seperated ourselves from them, and refuse to go to any family activity where BIL is present. MIL has continued to have involvement wtih our family but dispite our efforts to arrange a x-mas where my son can see his cousins, my SIL feels we are the ones being catty! I do feel that she sent the txt message to upset me b/c she herself is confused. She breastfed her 2 year old until 9 months (although she says she sort of regrets going that long) so she's not against breastrfeeding, just other people in her house make her husband uncomfy and she doesn't want her kids exposed to it.

thus I don't feel comfy being over there. What am I supposed to do go to the car every time my baby wants to feed. I can tell my 3 year old he has to wait until we go home ( which makes me feel bad but he is distracted by his cousins fairly easily) But I can't make my 4 month old wait. She makes it sound like I'm not discreet when I'm at her house and I've been very careful to cover up when I am there, as much as the baby will let me. He screams when he is covered, but I've even gone into other rooms and her kids (2, 5, and 9) follow me b/c they want to see the baby and probably becuase they are curious about breastfeeding. I understand that she has every right to feel uncomfy and ask me to keep covered up in her house, but do I have a right to then ask her that she has to explain to her own children what she has against breastfeeding, and that it will thus be her job to keep them from searching me out when I am over and need to excuse myself to nurse.

Also, if we are out in public as a family (although it doesn't seem very likely at this point in time) how do I tell her that its my right not to cover up and its still her job to keep her kids away from it if she doesn't want them "exposed".

What bothers me the most is that she's rather "limit" their involvment with their uncle who has a porn addiction and has issues with masturbating where he can get caught (IMO...he does that on purpose) than expose them to breastfeeding (which she herself has done, and is not a sexual act at all). I just feel so angry. Am I being too impulsive?

[MilkTrance]

Growing up with a man who has those "types" of files on the computer, its even more important that the children see what breasts are really for. It's no wonder SIL has a warped view of breasts/sexuality.

[motherearthdancer]

Originally Posted by llamalluv

Hmmm...to me, "discreet" means that you don't strip down to the waist to breastfeed. I doubt you are doing anything wrong.

I think that our society, in general, has become so selfish, and somewhere along the line that became acceptable. I've noticed more and more that etiquette has flown out the window in favor of people wanting to NEVER be inconvienced or "uncomfortable". Ugh.

Since I highly doubt that you are walking around in less than what a striper would wear, I would dare to say that you are being as polite and discreet as possible.

I'm also reminded of another poster on here who has a sig line something to the effect of "If breastfeeding is sexual, bottlefeeding is the equivalent of whipping out a dildo"

As to the "files on the computer"? If they are what I think they are, there is no way in hell I would let my child be around that man. And I would put my SIL in her place about that, as well. My mother grew up around "that" and anytime she even suspected "that" was a thought in a grown man's head, she all but put my sisters and I on a leash to keep us within arms reach of her if she couldn't avoid him altogether.

Exactly! Which is what we are doing. And this is probably TMI, but 10 years ago...i was a stripper. I did work in the industry. I no longer do, but I feel like I know a creep when I see one. Also, I'm well versed in stipper wear and although I still have some items I wore back in the day...I highly doubt I could fit one boob into a dress anymore. So yes, I've been very discreet and very covered dispite my kids not liking to be covered up. I still make an effort at her house. I wear more clothes now than I ever have...stripper or not. Anyways, its more that she is creating such a fuss over this when she herself bf her kids up to a certain point, so I want to know, is it the fact that its another woman in her house bfing, is it the age of my children bf, what exactly is making her or the people around her uncomfy...plus what makes her think that her boys are "too old" to be "exposed" to bfing? She's rather shelter them and have them think breasts are something to be sexualized and be ashamed of? what? I'm very confused b/c this wasn't an issue for the last 3 years I breastfed my 1st son at her house, but now with my 2nd 4 month old...its suddenly an issue?

Is it wrong that I someday hope we are out in public and her kids see other women breastfeeding? *gasp* (I know...thats so wrong of me to go there!)

[Genesis]

Originally Posted by rmzbm

No way would I go and I'd make darn sure they know why.

:

I wouldn't be able to be around people like that.

Good luck!

[motherearthdancer]

Originally Posted by MilkTrance

Growing up with a man who has those "types" of files on the computer, its even more important that the children see what breasts are really for. It's no wonder SIL has a warped view of breasts/sexuality.

Hey, my husband looks at porn, but his isn't questionable. We can't prove that what my husband saw in his brothers files was illegal, but my husband says they looked really young and the titles were very worrisome and disturbinug.

but we cant accusing him of anything w/o risking slander and such w/o proof! Thus we've just sepereated ourselves from him.

[motherearthdancer]

So I thought id post a link to a pic of me nursing in public. This was taken at the zoo and is more skin than I normally show when nursing:http://a683.ac-images.myspacecdn.com...65d556e0a2.jpg

[Genesis]

Originally Posted by motherearthdancer

So I thought id post a link to a pic of me nursing in public. This was taken at the zoo and is more skin than I normally show when nursing:http://a683.ac-images.myspacecdn.com...65d556e0a2.jpg

That's a nice picture

[KirstenMary]

That is a beautiful photo, and I am so sorry you are going through this. Bravo for you for standing up for what's right.

[llamalluv]

Originally Posted by motherearthdancer

.

What bothers me the most is that she's rather "limit" their involvment with their uncle who has a porn addiction and has issues with masturbating where he can get caught (IMO...he does that on purpose) than expose them to breastfeeding (which she herself has done, and is not a sexual act at all). I just feel so angry. Am I being too impulsive?

you are not too impulsive. Or overreacting.

I have an uncle who was born "not quite right in the head" (encephalitis at birth, and a life-long alcoholic to boot) and after my mother caught him bouncing me on his knee, her knee-jerk reaction was to keep me and all the other kids away from him. He's never been accused of doing anything untoward with children (for all we know, he could be gay) but my mother is very sensitive to that because of her childhood. It didn't hurt him one whit to not be close to us. He wound up spending most of his 20's and 30's in jail on multiple (repeat) DUI convictions.