going to a no-sleepover policy - Page 2

[rmzbm]

Mixed feelings..mixed feelings...mixed feelings...*sigh* With my kids getting older I am going to have to face this. Just a few days ago my 9 yr. old DS was invited to sleep over at the home a boy who lives across the road. I said no...he was VERY unhappy with me.
...mixed feelings...

[amcal]

Originally Posted by transformed

I dont think there is actually more crime, etc. I just think we hear about it more because we have the internett and 24 hour news.

Check out http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org

Smile!

I don't think she's saying there is more crime, just that it's a sad world that horrible things happen to children and that we even have to think about it. I know its happened throughout history. The majority of women my mom's age and older that I know were sexually abused in one way or another - they just never talked about it back then. At least we're talking about it now and can make informed choices.

[amcal]

Originally Posted by rmzbm

Mixed feelings..mixed feelings...mixed feelings...*sigh* With my kids getting older I am going to have to face this. Just a few days ago my 9 yr. old DS was invited to sleep over at the home a boy who lives across the road. I said no...he was VERY unhappy with me.
...mixed feelings...

This is why I will have a no sleep over policy from the very beginning so it's not even a quesiton. My children will know that we don't sleep over at other people's houses.

As far as children sleeping at our house, I wouldn't have a problem with it but, at some point, they are going to want to reciprocate and won't understand that I trust my house but not theirs. I'd rather just have a no sleepover policy period.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by amcal

This is why I will have a no sleep over policy from the very beginning so it's not even a quesiton. My children will know that we don't sleep over at other people's houses.

As far as children sleeping at our house, I wouldn't have a problem with it but, at some point, they are going to want to reciprocate and won't understand that I trust my house but not theirs. I'd rather just have a no sleepover policy period.

I AM going to have to pick a stance here. I had a no sleepover policy growing up all through elem. school & I HATED IT. I was in girl scouts & they let me go camping & do sleepovers with them, but anything else was a firm NO. In middle school they changed their minds. I have to say though, in high school I did some things that I would be TERRIFIED for my DD to do. My family was (& IS) clueless about it all. I don't trust people. But I can see these issues stemming from being raised that way, don't wanna repeat mistakes. ONE time - when DS1 was about 6 - I let him go to a neighbors house for a COUPLE HOURS and something pretty disturbing happened. I'm just really conflicted.

[transformed]

Originally Posted by amcal

I don't think she's saying there is more crime, just that it's a sad world that horrible things happen to children and that we even have to think about it. I know its happened throughout history. The majority of women my mom's age and older that I know were sexually abused in one way or another - they just never talked about it back then. At least we're talking about it now and can make informed choices.

Yes but you dont have to let it take over your life. And I think that sheltering kids is very damaging sometimes. Like no sleep-overs...like some other posters said-it kind of scarred them.

We have to keep our kids safe. But we can't keep them in a sling forever.

(Mine are still young so remind me I said this in about 3 years. )

[dannic]

Originally Posted by transformed

I dont think there is actually more crime, etc. I just think we hear about it more because we have the internett and 24 hour news.

Check out http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org

Smile!

You may well be right. It basically comes down to providing a healthy
(as much as we can, anyway) environment to raise our kids...we each have to decide what we are comfortable with, kwim? nak

[leafylady]

I can't think of any over-protective things my parents did that scarred me - irritated me yes, but scarred me no.


That's true- we do all have to choose what we're comfortable with. There's no right or wrong answer for this particular question. Still, I do like hearing from others like Amcal that share a similar policy and reasons.

[A&A]

My dd's friend's mom has that policy. She certainly has the right, but it makes us feel not trusted.

[geek_the_girl]

Originally Posted by leafylady

Does anyone else have this policy?

My DD is 5 and HS'ed so it hasent come up yet. Actually ive never even thought about until now. Just me personally though? I believe I would have this same policy.

[dannic]

Originally Posted by transformed

Yes but you dont have to let it take over your life. And I think that sheltering kids is very damaging sometimes. Like no sleep-overs...like some other posters said-it kind of scarred them.

We have to keep our kids safe. But we can't keep them in a sling forever.

(Mine are still young so remind me I said this in about 3 years. )

I don't think that if I choose not to allow sleepovers, that I'm letting my worries for my children consume me (not saying you meant that, either--just clarifying, lol). But I do think that being sexually abused is a bit more traumatic than not being allowed to sleepover (again, not saying that just because someone goes to a sleepover, it will end in abuse...).
There are many dangers in life, many that we cannot control. But, I can control to some extent what my dc are exposed to by being an assertive mom/parent. I don't know if this is coming out right (I'm nak, which says it all).
If I do decide to selectively allow sleepovers, I'll be setting some ground rules from the get-go. I'd have to know the family very well, I'd educate my dc on what is/isn't appropriate for them and for others pertaining to them, and I'd send a cell phone and tell them to call if they were uncomfortable in any way...but I'd still be concerned about sexual abuse--I know way too many people who've been molested--not from internet stories or the news.
My opinion only, not endorsing anyone to feel the same way, lol

[amcal]

Originally Posted by transformed

Yes but you dont have to let it take over your life. And I think that sheltering kids is very damaging sometimes. Like no sleep-overs...like some other posters said-it kind of scarred them.

We have to keep our kids safe. But we can't keep them in a sling forever.

(Mine are still young so remind me I said this in about 3 years. )

Seriously? I really don't think that not allowing my child to sleep over at someone's house is sheltering them. There are tons of things they're allowed to do, they're active, involved, have lots of friends etc... but, I draw the line at sleeping over at someone's house. That's my line. It doesn't have to be yours but the insinuation that if I don't put my child in what I consider to be a very vulnerable position I'm somehow damaging them is ludicrous.

[FoxintheSnow]

Some of my best childhood memories are from sleepovers with friends. I can't imagine not allowing them for my own children.

[treehugginmama]

I have a no sleep over policy for my kids sleeping somewhere else but they can have friends sleep over here.
I don't care how well we know someone, knowing someone doesn't mean they are not an abuser. I am a survivor so I'm probably a bit paranoid but I will do whatever I need to do to protect my children so they don't have to go through what I did and still deal with to this day.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by amcal

Seriously? I really don't think that not allowing my child to sleep over at someone's house is sheltering them. There are tons of things they're allowed to do, they're active, involved, have lots of friends etc... but, I draw the line at sleeping over at someone's house. That's my line. It doesn't have to be yours but the insinuation that if I don't put my child in what I consider to be a very vulnerable position I'm somehow damaging them is ludicrous.

: Kids can have very normal & full lives, all while sleeping in their own beds.

[Ruthla]

We have no such policy at our house. In fact, there's a friend staying over tonight.

I do set some limits- such as "only one sleepover per week" because they don't really SLEEP and then she's tired and cranky the next day if she doesn't sleep in the next morning. I won't let her have a sleepover if she's been tired and cranky from lack of sleep the week before, or if the friend she wants to invite is currently fighting with my other DD.

I had some pretty unhappy results with having 2 girls sleep over at once, so the rule is now 1 overnight guest at a time. I will make an exception for DD's 13th birthday party (she turned 13 in early Dec but hasnt' had her party yet.)

I let my kids sleep over at friend's houses if I know the familes.

DS is still too young for sleepovers- I think the girls started around age 8 or 9; I was 9 at my first sleepover.

[rmzbm]

To clarify, I think sleepovers at MY HOUSE are a great idea, and a great way to get to know my kids friends. When they ask for that to happen I will happily allow it.

[jjawm]

My parents were friends with my friends' parents. My mom would lead girl scouts with them, or they went to our church, or volunteered together in the PTA. With only once exception, their values matched closely.

I was allowed to go to sleepovers all the time. No alcohol, no sex, nothing bad except prank phone calls. My friendships deepened over those nights of secret talks and movie watchings. There is something unique that happens late at night with slumber parties. It's a wonderful time.

Kids need time to be kids w/o adults. I understand wanting to prevent harm from occuring. But at what point will you let your child spend the night away from home? College?

[amcal]

Originally Posted by jjawm

Kids need time to be kids w/o adults. I understand wanting to prevent harm from occuring. But at what point will you let your child spend the night away from home? College?

They could stay at my parent's house if they wanted but other than that, yeah, probably college. I just don't see the need to sleep at someone else's house.

But, I guess I'm lucky. Our current group of friends don't do sleep overs either. None of the moms I hang out with IRL think sleepovers are a good idea so it's not even an issue.

And, I had some very close relationships growing up and never once did I sleep at their house. The one girl's house I did sleep over at, I haven't talked to since in years and years - since I was a child. I don't think sleeping over at someone's house is a requirement for building intimate relationships with your girlfriends.

[amcal]

Originally Posted by jjawm

Kids need time to be kids w/o adults.

I totally get this and they have time without adults. My girls and their friends play in their room, I don't interrupt. They go to dance and gymnastics, they go over to friends houses etc... But really, at the age where children would be doing sleep overs, there still needs to be parental supervision. Yes, they need time without adults but like any other activity, there still needs to be a parent available.

[alegna]

Originally Posted by amcal

Seriously? I really don't think that not allowing my child to sleep over at someone's house is sheltering them. There are tons of things they're allowed to do, they're active, involved, have lots of friends etc... but, I draw the line at sleeping over at someone's house. That's my line. It doesn't have to be yours but the insinuation that if I don't put my child in what I consider to be a very vulnerable position I'm somehow damaging them is ludicrous.

As someone married to someone who felt damaged by this policy- it can happen.

Sure, it's reasonable when you're talking 3 yr olds. Even 5 yr olds, sure. Probably most situations 7 year olds it's still reasonable. When you're talking 10 yr olds and 12 yr olds and literally EVERYONE else is allowed to go to slumber parties and have friends spend the night, then yeah, that can be damaging to a child.

-Angela