going to a no-sleepover policy - Page 3

[alegna]

Originally Posted by amcal

They could stay at my parent's house if they wanted but other than that, yeah, probably college. I just don't see the need to sleep at someone else's house.

See, I think this *is* a parenting problem. As parents I see our job to ease our children into adult-hood. That takes steps. Kids who all of a sudden go off to college and are overnight adults tend to be the ones that don't handle it so well. I would rather that my kids transition more smoothly from childhood to adulthood- over years, instead of overnight.

-Angela

[rmzbm]

I don't think there's that many *everyone's* when a child is homeschooled.

A HUGE thing for me is KNOWING my child can get help in an emergency, I don't think it's right to expect a 10 yr. old to be able to help themselves like that.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by alegna

See, I think this *is* a parenting problem. As parents I see our job to ease our children into adult-hood. That takes steps. Kids who all of a sudden go off to college and are overnight adults tend to be the ones that don't handle it so well. I would rather that my kids transition more smoothly from childhood to adulthood- over years, instead of overnight.

-Angela

I wholeheartedly agree with this...BUT, imo, there's a HUGE leap between being 10 & ready to go off to college.

[amcal]

Originally Posted by alegna

See, I think this *is* a parenting problem. As parents I see our job to ease our children into adult-hood. That takes steps. Kids who all of a sudden go off to college and are overnight adults tend to be the ones that don't handle it so well. I would rather that my kids transition more smoothly from childhood to adulthood- over years, instead of overnight.

-Angela

Ok, first, I'd love to see the research that back up your belief that children who don't spend the night at other children's houses have problems when they go off to college. That's just ridiculous.

Of course it's our job to see our children into adulthood. That's a given. But, I think I can teach my child about responsibility, making decisions, safety, following their gut instincts etc... without them spending the night at someone else's house. These are things we work on and talk about in daily life - I don't need to put my child in a vulnerable situation to teach her about adult hood.

[rmzbm]

I agree, lot's of ways to teach lots of things with a safety net still in place.

[amcal]

Originally Posted by alegna

As someone married to someone who felt damaged by this policy- it can happen.

Sure, it's reasonable when you're talking 3 yr olds. Even 5 yr olds, sure. Probably most situations 7 year olds it's still reasonable. When you're talking 10 yr olds and 12 yr olds and literally EVERYONE else is allowed to go to slumber parties and have friends spend the night, then yeah, that can be damaging to a child.

-Angela

Again, I think times have changed. When I was a child, people did spend the night. Now, not so much. I have nieces and cousins ranging from 10 - 13yo and none of them have sleep overs. This topic has come up before in past threads and I asked my SIL and aunts about it and for them, it's never been an issue - according to them, it's just not done anymore. Maybe it's a regional thing - I don't know but I don't know anyone who allows their children to spend the night at other people's house. Nor has it been an issue with my nieces/cousins.

Again, I would allow children at my house with the understanding that my DD isn't allowed to spend the night elsewhere. If they're ok with that, I'm ok with that.

[alegna]

Originally Posted by rmzbm

I wholeheartedly agree with this...BUT, imo, there's a HUGE leap between being 10 & ready to go off to college.

Well sure- but if the policy is to NEVER let the child sleep away from home until college....

-Angela

[amcal]

The same arguement could be made about homeschoolers - that they're somehow damaging their children because they don't allow them to learn in a school setting - Oh my! How are they going to cope with college??? It just doesn't make sense. Children don't need to spend the night at other people's house any more than they need to be educated in a public school to make them ready for adulthood. As parents, we talk to our children, we teach them, we surround them with positive, enriching experiences, we have open communication, supportive loving relationships etc... That's how we prepare them for adulthood.

[alegna]

I don't think it's the same at all. I would happily allow my child to be gone all day at an activity- but don't plan to ever send them to traditional school (until college...)

I think it's a false sense of security that tells you that you are somehow protecting your child by not letting them spend the night anywhere else.

They can just as easily be exposed to things during daylight hours or molested during daylight hours.

The no sleep overs must be regional or socio-economic based -because they still happen here with great regularity.

-Angela

[rmzbm]

n/m...too much personal info.

[Zach'smom]

Just curious... Does anyone have any statistics about children being molested/harmed in any way at sleepovers? Ds just turned 6, so the issue of sleepovers hasn't come up yet.

I am also wondering how your own sleepover experiences have effected your choice to allow/not allow sleepovers for your kids?

For those of you who have said no to all sleepovers will you change that policy when your kids are in their teen years? When I was teenager we had sleepovers all the time. In my circle of friends the moms all got to know each other and were comfortable letting us sleep at each others houses. We always had a blast watching scary movies, talking about boys, etc. My mom would wake up in the morning and find 6 girls sleeping in the family room and make breakfast for all of us. I have some really great memories.

[rmzbm]

It's not just molestation & HUGE things like that that turn me off from the idea.

And, yes, I think there's a time and a place for sleepovers. For NOW, my house only. My oldest child is 9, in no way am I harming anyone by having this policy now. Of course, this will be revisited from time to time. I can't say when as we aren't there yet.

[amcal]

Originally Posted by alegna

I don't think it's the same at all. I would happily allow my child to be gone all day at an activity- but don't plan to ever send them to traditional school (until college...)

I think it's a false sense of security that tells you that you are somehow protecting your child by not letting them spend the night anywhere else.

They can just as easily be exposed to things during daylight hours or molested during daylight hours.

The no sleep overs must be regional or socio-economic based -because they still happen here with great regularity.

-Angela

I totally disagree. No one ever said that things couldn't happen to our children elsewhere. Obviously things can happen but if you sky dive, drive race cars, hand glide and other dangerous activities, you increase your chances of having something happen. I think all those of us who don't allow sleep overs are saying is that we plan to minimize the risk when and where we can. Obviously things can happen else where but, just because it can happen anywhere, doesn't mean I should put my child in situations where I feel they are vulnerable.

[amcal]

Originally Posted by rmzbm

It's not just molestation & HUGE things like that that turn me off from the idea.

I totally agree - it's not just molestation. But, that's a big one. It's my child being exposed to other things that go on when parents are asleep. Sneaking out, smoking, calling boys, being exposed to sexual situations - there are a million and one situations that girls alone together in the middle of the night can come up with. I know - I was there when I spent the night at friends houses. It was uncomfortable - I didn't want to smoke, I didn't want to look at porn magazines, I didn't want to sneak out and meet boys. And, I'd like to think my child would never participate in that stuff but really, when everyone is doing it..... and, you can't always judge by what you see. Some of my friends in high school who got in the most trouble had the best parents, they went to Catholic school, went to church, parents were well known - they're the ones who ended up pregnant at 16, who did drugs etc...

Yes, I realize I can't control everything, nor do sleep overs make children drug addicts and teen mothers.

Again, I just don't see the need for it and I guess I'm lucky I don't live in an area or have friends where this is done so hopefully, it will never be an issue.

[leafylady]

I just don't see what sleepovers have to do with transitioning to adulthood.

Jobs can transition kids to adulthood. Various types of camps may help with the transition to living in a dorm-type situation, although I'd be super picky about which ones. 2 year local colleges can transition kids into 4 year colleges with dorms.

I don't see a childhood sleepover as transitioning to adulthood in any way.

I also don't see molestation as the only danger, though it's a big one. Isn't most molestation perpetrated by acquaintances?

What about homes without functional fire alarms? go-carts and 4 wheelers without helmets? or those who think it's no big deal to take a pile of kids out in the car with no safety belts or booster seats? Those are all physically dangerous. If I have to send my kids to a sleepover with a common-sense safety checklist, then it's better to avoid them all together.

If it were easy to say yes to one or two families and no to all of the others, I might consider it. However, in this small rural community, that's not possible to do in a fair and non-hurtful way. It's better to have a blanket no-sleepover policy in our situation.

[leafylady]

Will the policy change in the teen years? I don't know. I would certainly reconsider it at that point.

[honolula]

How is it that guns, molestation, riding around in the front seat and round about bad parenting aren't going to affect your child during AM playdates?

[2 in August]

I'm still conflicted about sleepovers. Dd is 6 and has spent the night at our friends' house a couple times. She's friends with both the little girl and little boy. I worry a little because I know that my friend is a little more lax than I am (they live in a far busier neighborhood and the kids play outside and I know that sometimes my friend isn't outside with them. That worries me. I let that little girl spend the night once and truthfully while the girls had fun, there was a lot more headaches than it was worth. But now that they've done it a few times I feel like a big meanie saying no more. Like some of the pp, I'm just really conflicted about it. I also had some stuff happen in jr high that while not abuse, was really uncomfortable (I was the goody goody who didn't want to drink and do drugs and my friends totally turned against me and did some pretty awful things to me) and kind of soured me on them too.

[alegna]

Okay- here's my thinking in as logical a form as I can manage tonight

First- absolutely I agree that ANY time in the care of other adults should be:
adults the parents know well
adults the parents feel comfortable with
a reasonably safe environment
a situation that parents AND child feel comfortable with (if it seems off- listen to that voice)

That said, the only way to promise total safety of our children is to wrap them in bubble wrap and keep them in the closet. That does not teach them anything.

One of my biggest tasks of parenthood is to provide my child with a variety of experiences that will nurture them and help them grow into strong and stable adults.

Spending time *outside* our family unit is a big part of providing those experiences.

Of course this must be done in a method appropriate for the age and maturity of the child. My dd is nearly 3.5 and has never spent the night away from me. She is not ready.

Now, in a "school age" child, spending the night with close friends provides an excellent opportunity to learn about the way others live. Hey, some people take showers in the morning instead of at night! Different people have different bed-time rituals. In some families DAD cooks breakfast! Whatever. There ARE differences. And yes, some can be learned during the day, some however are really only experienced when sleeping away from home.

That said, there is also something to be said for the experience of childhood. Staying up all night and _fill in the blank_ (playing video games, watching movies, doing makeup, telling stories, playing dolls, whatever)

This can be -in and of itself- a valuable experience.

If there is a *specific* reason you don't feel comfortable with a *specific* situation, I feel that we owe it to our children to explain how we come to that decision. Then they get to see the thinking behind our decision making. Whether it's clear-cut (Sammy's parents don't have the same safety rules we do) or more nebulous (I don't feel like we know Jane's family well enough to do that yet) they will learn to discern the signs for themselves. What do they learn if it's just forbidden?

-Angela

[geek_the_girl]

We all do what we think is is right for our kiddos and for oursleves no?
Everyone is different. Every dynamic is different.