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What if your child doesnt want to go to his *other house?* - Page 2

post #21 of 24
Originally Posted by fek&fuzz View Post
That is exactly why kids shouldn't be forced. But also why they should communicate with their parent about why they are not coming. It may have been that had things been brought out in the open, and had you been taken seriously, your dad would have gotten treatment for his depression and dealt with his issues, and then you could have had a better relationship.
I totally agree. I must have said "I don't want to go because ..." listing all my reasons so many times. And it just fell on deaf ears. He was my dad, thus I had to go was the only logic I ever got. I didn't understand that logic, and the resentment just built and built and built and built.

I'm 25 now, and it still hasn't gone away. We email sometimes, but whenever he asks me to come visit, bam, that resentment slides right up. Nothing has changed either - except, by now, he's clinically depressed, and still we clash with our philosophy. And, still, when I say I don't want to visit, it's like falling on deaf ears. The only difference is that, now, no one is forcing me to go. Thus, I don't go, and we only exchange the obligatory birthday/xmas emails. All from his side, too, as I simply don't care to make the effort.

It's sad on the one hand. On the other, I had a great father figure for the first 5 years (my grandfather). And then I lucked out and got a wonderful step dad. Mainly, it's just sad for my dad. But, I can't overcome the resentment to see him and make nice.
post #22 of 24
I am in the situation where it is our home SS doesn't want to come to. It is very hard on his dad who is loving and kind. The reasons he doesn't want to come are because we have rules (no cussing, no disrespectful talking, pick up your trash etc). He does not have rules at bm's house. He also doesn't want to come because his mom is not over the divorce (5 years ago) and talks trash about his dad. Some of it is overt as in "your dad is a liar" and some not so clear as in "if your dad really loved you he would buy you that $200 football jersey." All this is done in the name of "honesty." So really the child suffers because of this type of talk and so does dad and by extension so do I. All cps need to be very aware of the way they talk about the ncp and vice versa. Sometimes what can seem innocent is actually alienating the child and hurting them deeply. Where I live it is illegal to let a child "choose" not to go to their parent, if that parent is a decent person. The CP can go to jail for it. That is why vistation is court ordered and not a choice. SS's bm tells him all the time he can "choose" and that really means that his "choice" is what she wants him to and that is to not go to his dad's.
post #23 of 24
When dss was younger, we did make him go over his cries because he was safe there and there was a custody agreement that we didn't want to break. I think he was usually fine once he left. Now that he is 12, when he doesn't want to go to his mom's we say, "You can ask her if you can stay here." Sometimes he does and they don't make a big deal about it.

A few months ago there were BIG issues with her drinking and cheating on his stepdad while he was there. We told him that in order for him to go there less, we'd have to go to mediation and possibly court. If he was serious about this, we could go forward with it and he could explain to the judge/mediators what the issues were. We'd support that decision and do what ever we could, but it had to come from him (in our state at 12 they have say in visitation). He did decide to go forward with adding lines about her not drinking to the vistation agreement.
post #24 of 24
Originally Posted by angilyn View Post
The reasons he doesn't want to come are because we have rules (no cussing, no disrespectful talking, pick up your trash etc).
I'm just curious about what the "etc." rules entail. This is one of the issues my oldest has, as well.

At his Dad's, things are very regimented. From the time they get up to the time they go to bed, every little thing is dictated. At 16, he is expected to go to bed at the same time as the other 3 (13, 12, 9). Which is 9pm on a weekend. He is not allowed to wear any shirt that has any sort of writing on it (i.e. band shirts, "saying" shirts, etc.). He is not allowed to make or receive any phone calls from friends or family from home, regardless of the circumstances (he's not one to spend a lot of time on the phone anyway, but he'd kind of like to call his g/f in the evening - and is willing to use his cell or pay for the call from their landline). He's not allowed to wear any jewelry (including his cross, a single earring). He is not allowed to listen to the music he likes, either so everyone can hear it or using headphones. Heck - he's not even allowed to even mention the name of his favorite baseball team! And the list goes on. He's essentially required to become a different person when he's at his father's.

Yes, I am more lax than his Dad/stepMom in some areas, but it's not that he lives without rules at home. However, I do choose what hills to die on. Generic cussing is allowed (for example, if the computer decides to shut down in the middle of writing an email) while cussing AT someone isn't (so, he's not allowed to tell me to eff off or call his sister a b****). He's expected to shower daily (weekends? eh, unless we have plans). He has chores. As long as his clothes fit reasonably (i.e. pants aren't falling down his butt), are clean and have no offensive sayings? Fine. Music? He can listen to what he likes - heck... I take him and his friends to concerts. I don't want the phone ringing after 10 on a school night.

So, anyway.... I don't know what your "etc" rules are, but it might be worth seeing if there's anything there that could be seen as excessive.
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