Kraamverzorgster... experiences?

[Megan_in_Holland]

Okay, I'm sure I'm making a mountain out of a molehill here, but I'm pretty nervous about the idea of having a strange woman attending my birth (the kraamverzorgster, I mean-- my midwife is also my best friend, so I'm really happy she's going to be present) and then hanging around my house for days afterward, giving me advice that I'm not sure I want.

DH thinks I'm crazy-- his reaction has been: "Who wouldn't want someone there to clean up/change the sheets/help with the baby?" But I'm sort of an introvert and don't like strange people around me when I'm feeling "raw" or vulnerable. It's sort of an effort for me to open up and get to feel comfortable around new people, and I'm sure this kind of effort is the last thing I need after an exhausting birth. I'm also kind of nervous about whether or not the kraamverzorgster will be open to our "semi-crunchiness"-- we're going to cosleep, cloth diaper, breastfeed, etc. I don't want to have to be defending my choices to anyone in my own home.

I know this is mostly just insecurity due to being a first-time mom, and I'm sure it will all wind up being a lot less scary than I've been imagining, but I've just heard so many horror stories about kraamverzorgsters giving crappy breastfeeding advice, acting condescending to new moms, or even "supplementing" the babe with formula while the mom sleeps b/c they "hadn't been pooping enough", etc.

Can anyone share their experiences with the kraamverzorgster? How many hours of kraamzorg did y'all have per day? Any tips on preparing for the kraamperiode that you could give to a shy, slightly insecure first-time mom? I just really want to make sure that we have a positive experience and that I feel free to be myself and bond with the little one without having to worry about other stuff.

[mrflowers]

I, like you, am very introverted. We, as a family, are introverted. We just hit whatever the opposite of "jackpot" is with our KV this time. The crap-pot? We may not have handled it well; instead of getting her removed, we just sort of went inward and got through it. It sucks to be trying to bond as a new family, and have a stranger in your space. I've asked the midwives if kraamhulp is verplicht, and they said "In principe, wel." Bleah. But what you can do is just ask for minimal care, which is two hours a day. Depending on the organization, they may try very hard to talk you out of this, insisting that you are a first-time mom, you don't know what your needs are, etc. But if you have breastfeeding support elsewhere, you may really only need two hours a day. In that two hours, if your KV limits herself to checking temps, changing sheets, that sort of thing, that would be good. Those are the things the midwives want them to do.

As far as advice, most of them ask what your needs are at the intake-gesprek. You can tell them that you don't need or want advice, and that may help. We did this, and our KV was still unable to keep herself from offering up all sorts of long-winded gems for (seriously) hours at a time. She was also quick on the draw with every new mother's favorite, Dead Baby Stories. She had a HUGE problem with our co-sleeping, gave us a lecture and wrote us up. Because, according to her, if we killed our baby by co-sleeping with her, it was the KV's responsibility. We just stayed as bland as possible, and told her we know how to do it safely, we did it with the first two, and they're still alive.

The bottom line is, YOU are the mom. You know what choices are right for your family, you've researched your choices, and you are the mom. They don't have to like or agree with your choices, but they do have to respect them.

I asked around to see if it would be possible to donate the unused kraamuren to other families who really feel that they need the help. There's a huge zorgtekort right now, so you would think that folks would jump at that. Right now, it seems that everyone thinks that it's a good idea whose day will never come. Something about the insurance companies not going for it. We had 6 hours the first day she was here because she just would not leave. 4 hours the days after, although there was at least one day that she, again, wouldn't leave. She was here M-F, we called Thursday to say that Friday should be her last day, and then they had a new family have a baby, so she was only here 1 hour on Friday. When she left, the kids put on a Greenday CD, cranked it up, and danced their little hearts out.

[rzberrymom]

The best thing I did was interview a bunch of them over the phone before I picked one. I think I drove them nuts with all my questions, but I knew our parenting beliefs were probably not in line with the common culture. I managed to find one that was very crunchy, very open to attachment parenting.

Don't be afraid to give them very specific instructions and be up-front about what you need. My DH and I were way too polite, and she ended up kind of taking advantage of the situation--I had heard that they help with your laundry, help with grocery shopping and cooking. Ours basically sat around all day.

Oh, and I'd say don't bother getting breastfeeding advice from them--if you have any issues, call LLL right away. Most insurance plans will cover a visit by a lactation consultant, and LLL sent one to our house within a few hours of us calling.

Good luck!!

[edlyn]

When DD was to be born last year (Oct 2006), I was given the choice between 3 and 5 hours of kramzoorg for 6 days, and I chose 3 hours. I did not bother to interview any of them beforehand, and somewhat lucked out in that I had a rather laid-back kramzoorg nurse who was happy to do the minimum such as measuring temparatures, measuring the uterus, and, a few times, helping to bath my baby ( I did not want to bathe her every day). She cleaned our toilet every day (!), and she once did some ironing for my husband to save him some time (although after they had changed the rules in early 2006, household chores like this are not part of the kramzoorg's job description any more, I had not known this). Most of the times she just stayed 1.5 or 2 hours. I scheduled her for when my little boy (3.5 years back then) was at the peuterspeelzaal so that his little world was not even more disturbed, and yes, I was happy after the last visit to be free of that added item on the agenda.
Have a great pregnancy and birth, and let us know how it's going.

[edlyn]

P.S.: I second rzberrymom's advice to turn to LLL for any breastfeeding questions/problems. Note that there is a a monthly LLL meeting in Amsterdam (Oud-Zuid), and I recommend to come to a meeting already before your baby is born. It's great for socializing, and getting some of your questions/uncertainties addressed. pm me and I can give you the contact details.

[sarahmck]

Gosh, I've been looking forward to it. My midwife is in independent practice and is quite atypical (hour-long visits with lots of talking, for example) and she recommended a woman to us. We have scheduled her, but haven't talked with her yet at length. That's supposed to happen in January. I emphasized to my midwife that we'd need someone who wouldn't freak out at tandem nursing and co-sleeping and cloth diapering, etc. My midwife assured me that she wouldn't. So we'll see. This is an independent kraamverzorgster just like the midwife is independent, so she only takes four families per month and you're assured of getting her, not someone from the group. I don't know how far she travels (I don't think she's based in Amsterdam proper), but if she does seem good in our January thing and says she's cool with all the above-mentioned stuff, perhaps you could find out how far she will travel.

[LilWin]

You're basically free to choose whichever KV you want, but the midwife (and especially if she's your friend) can tell you which ones she likes and who are in line with your ideas. I would recommend having one, if only for cleaning the toilet/bathroom and there's always something useful to learn (like where to put the towel when babe's in the bath or stuff like that) if it's your first one. You can opt for basic care, which is what we did, and that's 3 hrs every day.
And if you happen to get a KV you don't like or can't get along with, I would definitely not hesitate to call the agency she works for and get another. It's a special time you can't redo once it's over. But they're not all wicked witches who don't know what they're talking about. We've had 6 different ones in the first weeks after DD and DS were born, and half of them were good, half of them not so, but never bad and all easy-going (I guess you have to be in that line of work). Bad advice (hardly got it, I must say) I just ignored since I had done my reading, and they ask you to fill out a feedback form once the "kraamweek" is over. I really liked the last one we had when DD was born, she was an older woman. She was a motherly type, that felt really nice to me. She also had her BF-certificate, she really taught me all the basics with a real baby, even though I had read the LLL book. And I still use some of her advice today! I couldn't relax and feel what I felt with one we had when DS was born, because she was too intense for me. I ended up making her a coffee when it should've been the other way around.

[eleanorm]

I agree with many of the other posters that the KV can be an imposition, especially if you are a private person. But I think that the benefits are also very significant.

This time with dd in September I was very lucky with two slightly older KVs, one with a dd of her own. They quickly saw that I knew more about breastfeeding than them (and the were very complimentary that my ds nursed for almost 2 years) and didn't offer any unsolicited advice. One even agreed with the co-sleeping (as she had done it herself). Things were going so well medically with me and dd that they pretty much left us alone to do our own thing - not even always doing the cursory temp and uterus checks. They spent most of their time doing the housework, laundry, getting lunch for all of us (including yummy fruit salads) and prepping the dinner for later. This gave dp, dd, ds and me time to lounge in bed to recover and bond. And when dp had to go back to work, the KV would spend time playing with ds so he didn't feel put out by the new arrival. What probably also helped is that I stayed in the bedroom, 2 flights of stairs from the kitchen. This time I was more put out by the unwanted advice I got from my mw in the weeks after the birth (but that is another thread). When I was finally ready to leave my bed cocoon, I was fully rested and it was wonderful to have a house that was already in good order.

Previously as a first-time mum with ds I also found some of the practical advice useful (maybe because I hadn't done enough pre-reading). But I would definitely agree with the pps that you generally shouldn't listen to their bf advice (especially regarding nursing frequency or weight gain) - only to someone with appropriate experience or training (LL leader/experienced mom or lc).

So I would definitely be in favour of them - but it would probably be a good idea to look around beforehand to make sure you gat a kv who can follow your wishes in terms of hours/type of work/level of privacy afforded/not offering unwanted advice and opinions. I didn't do this, but just lucked out that I got easy-going ladies who were happy to spend their time acting as housekeepers.

Good luck!!

[SuzymomofLaura]

Hi Megan, congratulations on your pregnancy, and welcome!!
Ahh the kraamverzorgster... When I came home from hospital after my first child was born (my peaceful homebirth had turned into an emergency C-sec) I was in pain and shock and as raw and vulnerable as it gets. The woman the agency sent us was a tremendous support . Good KV's have a talent for being invisible, making you feel secure and peaceful without imposing themselves on you, finding the spot where you keep your coffee filters or cleaning materials without asking and being there just for you, when you need them. Although she was with us for only two days I'll cherish the memory of her being with us at for the rest of my life. After the birth of our second (which went very well ), I had asked for the same KV, but she was already taken, alas. So we had a kraamverzorger (yes, a male!) who was very good too, but there came an apprentice with him that was horribly incapable of anything, she couldn't even take my temperature or pulse without blundering. I felt that too many persons were running in and out of my house as it was, so that one really felt as an intrusion. So, if you're a private kind of person, I'd let the agency of wherever you get a KV from, know you want your privacy respected as much as possible, AND be aware you can send them away too, if you're not happy, and ask for someone else! But since your midwife is a friend (lucky you!), surely she can recommend someone, and maybe you can interview her beforehand?

[SuzymomofLaura]

And don't forget, it's not a molehill at all, those first days of being a new mom will be an incredible, larger-than-life experience! Good for you for trying to sort things out beforehand!!!

[clogmama]

I did no KV research beforehand and the organization that had KV's available sent a woman who was comfortable speaking English when it was time. A woman representing the agency came a few weeks beforehand to talk to me. I gave birth 2 years ago in Utrecht and the homebirth and kraamtijd were some of the best days of my life. When I was hungry the KV prepared food and she always made sure that I had enough to drink. When visitors came, she opened the door and prepared tea and beschuit met muisjes. The KV noticed that my dd had a cleft palate a few days after the birth--the midwife hadn't even seen this. The KV did my laundry, cooked for me and was incredibly helpful and respectful. My house was spotless because of this woman. My first birth was in the US and I had no help afterwards--these were some of the most difficult days of my life! I cannot say enough good things about the kraamtijd and the KV. I wanted the maximum KV time possible and I think she came for 8 days in a row at 4-6 hours per day. I believe it's possible to request a new KV if you do not get along with the one who is sent to you.

The KV might suggest giving your baby a bath in the tummy tub the day after birth. My KV said that some mothers decline this and choose to wait much longer. I had the feeling that it was up to me to decide but that most mothers want to give their babies a bath on the second day.

There is a very nice Mothering article about a woman who gave birth in Utrecht in the Sept 2007 issue.