asking for help

[newmomtoteen]

Hi everyone
I just found out that my 11 year old daughter has been seeing a boy now for about a week or two. She will be 12 in a month. The problem that I have is that she kept this from me. She also went out to a movie with him. Her 14 year old brother went with her. I am very upset that he didn't tell my husband and I. They have made me feel as if we as the parents are the enemy. Why do kids stick together? I don't have a problem really that she likes a boy I have a problem with her hidding and being dishonest. I don't want to scare her away I need for us to have an open relationship. How do I get past being hurt I have not looked or talked to her in 2 days. I don't know what to say.

Please help

[A&A]

Not talking to her doesn't help.

Where are they finding the time to get together?

[angelpie545]

I agree that not talking to her certainly won't help-in fact it may make her feel that even more that she cannot come to you. Sometimes teens do this because they are afraid of their parent's reactions, or they feel as though their parents won't understand or will freak and over-react. I think the best thing you can do right now is to first calm down, and then think about what you would like to say to her. Sit her down someplace where you will not be interrupted, and calmly explain that you are hurt, and that she can feel free to come to you with any questions or concerns that she might have.

[newmomtoteen]

the thing is she is a wonderful little girl up untill now I trusted her so much. She has a little sister that she will babysit now and than. So this past weekend I took her and her 14 year old brother to the movies just as a thank you for watching her sister. BIG mistake she called the little boy and I guess invited him to watch the movie with her. Christmas is around the corner and my home feels very cold right about now. I just want things to go back to the way they were. Before my little girl grew up

[newmomtoteen]

Originally Posted by A&A

Not talking to her doesn't help.

Where are they finding the time to get together?

She was going out with her older brother. I don't understand why he never said anything

[newmomtoteen]

Originally Posted by angelpie545

I agree that not talking to her certainly won't help-in fact it may make her feel that even more that she cannot come to you. Sometimes teens do this because they are afraid of their parent's reactions, or they feel as though their parents won't understand or will freak and over-react. I think the best thing you can do right now is to first calm down, and then think about what you would like to say to her. Sit her down someplace where you will not be interrupted, and calmly explain that you are hurt, and that she can feel free to come to you with any questions or concerns that she might have.

Thank you so much for your words. I know as a mother what I need to do. I hve to be strong for both of us. What do I do about Christmas and her gifs? What do you suggest I do about punishment after all she did a very bad thing by hidding and lying to my husband and I?

[alaska]

What do I do about Christmas and her gifs?

Wouldn't a logical consequence be banning her from going to the movies for some amount of time, and the loss of some privilege that affords her a way or opportunity to communicate with this boy? Loss of computer/email or phone privileges? I would not take away her Christmas gifts or do anything about Christmas.

[newmomtoteen]

Originally Posted by angelpie545

I agree that not talking to her certainly won't help-in fact it may make her feel that even more that she cannot come to you. Sometimes teens do this because they are afraid of their parent's reactions, or they feel as though their parents won't understand or will freak and over-react. I think the best thing you can do right now is to first calm down, and then think about what you would like to say to her. Sit her down someplace where you will not be interrupted, and calmly explain that you are hurt, and that she can feel free to come to you with any questions or concerns that she might have.

Originally Posted by alaska

Wouldn't a logical consequence be banning her from going to the movies for some amount of time, and the loss of some privilege that affords her a way or opportunity to communicate with this boy? Loss of computer/email or phone privileges? I would not take away her Christmas gifts or do anything about Christmas.

Yea I took her phone and computer away. When she gets on the computer from now on she is not to delete any of her e-mails and I have to scream all of her calls. She is not to talk with her friends or go out untill I feel that my trust in her is back. I agree her Christmas should not be taken away. Man I have never in her 11 years had to punish this girl. It really does hurt me more than it her

[jul511riv]

I would make xmas a seperate issue, I don't see how you can combine it, imho.

This is a totally seperate issue. Might be important to sit down with her and say

"dd, why did you feel you could not come to me with news of your crush? Did you feel I wouldn't have let you see him? I don't have a problem with you seeing him, I have a problem with the lying and hiding it from me. I feel like there is trust broken..."and so on and so forth

Conveying to her that you WANT to share in this with her and you may not have let her see a movie with him but you WOULD be willing to (fill in the blank, i.e. invite him over to a family dinner or go to the mall for ice cream together or go out in a group with her big brother and some other people, whatever) might also help.

Hugs, mama. I would treat this more as a learning curve for her and less of a punishment/reward (like when she was a kid), this might even make her realize that you now see her as a maturing young lady and she may feel more connected to you for that alone.

Please please please don't do what my father did to me. He totally rejected me because I was growing up. It was like he was dissapointed in me for becoming a teen. I felt so bad, like there was nothing I could do to stop it and I felt so angry like why couldn't he just love me and help me be a grown up...why couldn't he just accept me for who I am? Why should I HAVE to pretend to be a child? It was just awful. Our relationship never recovered.



again. hugs.

[papayapetunia]

I can't believe this. She has had all these privileges taken away for not telling you that she likes a boy??? I don't recall ever telling my mother about these things.

This seems like an invasion of her privacy. I think what you are doing will not make her feel like she can come to you. It might make her hide more from you.

I also think it is unfair to put your feelings of hurt on her. That's a guilt trip. Do you want to guilt her into confessing things to you? Do you want her to walk around feeling guilty about having to hide things from you, when you've created this atmosphere of distrust?

[newmomtoteen]

Originally Posted by papayapetunia

I can't believe this. She has had all these privileges taken away for not telling you that she likes a boy??? I don't recall ever telling my mother about these things.

This seems like an invasion of her privacy. I think what you are doing will not make her feel like she can come to you. It might make her hide more from you.

I also think it is unfair to put your feelings of hurt on her. That's a guilt trip. Do you want to guilt her into confessing things to you? Do you want her to walk around feeling guilty about having to hide things from you, when you've created this atmosphere of distrust?

I do understand what you are telling me. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be like my parents I need her to know that I love her with all my heart and that I just want to protect her from the world. I just want her to enjoy being a kid. Growing up just sucks. whta do I do how should I fix this

[newmomtoteen]

Originally Posted by papayapetunia

I can't believe this. She has had all these privileges taken away for not telling you that she likes a boy??? I don't recall ever telling my mother about these things.

This seems like an invasion of her privacy. I think what you are doing will not make her feel like she can come to you. It might make her hide more from you.

I also think it is unfair to put your feelings of hurt on her. That's a guilt trip. Do you want to guilt her into confessing things to you? Do you want her to walk around feeling guilty about having to hide things from you, when you've created this atmosphere of distrust?

The problem is not that she like a boy I understand that she is growing up. The problem is that she did not tell me and that she felt like she had to hide her relationship. She is only 11. I am so lost. This is a wakeup call for me and I just want to do the right thing

[newmomtoteen]

Originally Posted by jul511riv

I would make xmas a seperate issue, I don't see how you can combine it, imho.

This is a totally seperate issue. Might be important to sit down with her and say

"dd, why did you feel you could not come to me with news of your crush? Did you feel I wouldn't have let you see him? I don't have a problem with you seeing him, I have a problem with the lying and hiding it from me. I feel like there is trust broken..."and so on and so forth

Conveying to her that you WANT to share in this with her and you may not have let her see a movie with him but you WOULD be willing to (fill in the blank, i.e. invite him over to a family dinner or go to the mall for ice cream together or go out in a group with her big brother and some other people, whatever) might also help.

Hugs, mama. I would treat this more as a learning curve for her and less of a punishment/reward (like when she was a kid), this might even make her realize that you now see her as a maturing young lady and she may feel more connected to you for that alone.

Please please please don't do what my father did to me. He totally rejected me because I was growing up. It was like he was dissapointed in me for becoming a teen. I felt so bad, like there was nothing I could do to stop it and I felt so angry like why couldn't he just love me and help me be a grown up...why couldn't he just accept me for who I am? Why should I HAVE to pretend to be a child? It was just awful. Our relationship never recovered.



again. hugs.

I have to thank you for your suggestions I have written these down and I think that I can go in and talk to her. I am not going to punish her but I will take her phone away for a week just for lying. here I go wish me luck.

[PoppyMama]

I don't want to make you feel worse than you already do but you really need to get over this. Kids are people too and like all people they have certain things they are private about. She didn't do anything really wrong other than not be exactly what you want her to be. You haven't talked or looked at her in days.....ARE YOU SERIOUS. That is so incredibly dramatic that I'm sure if you were my mother I wouldn't talk to you about stuff like that either. I have a daughter about that age and although we have a close relationship there are things she doesn't want to tell me and if I want her to be able to work up to it I have to treat her in a way that inspires her confidence. She went with her brother so it's not like they were hiding in a van by the river smoking dope and having sex. I understand your sadness at her growing up because it is a sad thing and I do miss the sweet faced little girl who couldn't wait to tell me everything but this is just a part of life. I'd reassess immediately and apologize and move on or you're going to be really sad in a couple of years.

[Mama2 '05'06]

Originally Posted by newmomtoteen

The problem is not that she like a boy I understand that she is growing up. The problem is that she did not tell me and that she felt like she had to hide her relationship. She is only 11. I am so lost. This is a wakeup call for me and I just want to do the right thing

Alot of kids are insecure about their changing perspectives and bodies. Its hard to talk to your parents about things like that for alot of kids. They wonder if they're normal, if they're the only one feeling this way, etc. It is easier to talk to somone closer to your own age about the things you're dealing with- hence perhaps why her brother was 'in on it'. Personally I think you're way over reacting which is probably why she didn't tell you in the first place. I second the poster who advised a quiet talk with her. I'd take her out for some one on one time and enjoy her company. Do something 'grown-up' like going and getting your nails done, some makeup or hair styling and some shopping. As you interact with her be a friend as well as a parent. Crushes will come and go, she'll need you to help her regroup after a 'breakup'. Talk to her about setting boundaries in her relationships, help her figure out what those boundaries are. Guide her, don't punish her- its normal to have crushes. Its also normal to be concerned with how your parents will react.

[newmomtoteen]

Update
I marched right in to my dd room and just hugged and cried for about 30 minutes we both said that we were sorry. She knows that she was wrong for lying and I was wrong for being in so closed minded. I know that she is growing up I now have to be a bigger support for her. Be here to help her when ever her heart does get broken. Here is to a journey that I really wish would of waited a few more years. I want to thank everyone from the bottom of my heart for all of your wisdom.

[PoppyMama]

That's awesome!

[BelovedK]

[choli]

Originally Posted by newmomtoteen

I do understand what you are telling me. I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be like my parents I need her to know that I love her with all my heart and that I just want to protect her from the world. I just want her to enjoy being a kid. Growing up just sucks. whta do I do how should I fix this

Growing up does not suck. Growing up is what children are supposed to do. You can expend a lot of energy trying to prevent it, but your daughter will still grow up, and she will probably carry huge resentment against you.

My mother attempted to stop me from growing up, too. Every sign of impending adulthood, from periods to bras to wanting less babyish clothes was treated as a personal insult to her. Speaking to boys was out of the question when I was 16. I still resent how she behaved then.

[RachelGS]

I'm glad you worked it out. You shouldn't risk making her afraid to share her own healthy, normal development with you. She WILL grow and mature, whether or not you want to hear about it, but if you make it a bad thing, she'll resent you. It will harm your relationship permanently.