I did something right!

[z-girl]

I found something that works for us! DD is 27 months old and having lots of breakdowns lately. If there is something that I'm going to stick to my guns about (No more muffins, time to go, yes we need to get dressed, etc) and I know that she's going to be upset about it, I give her warning, and then I tell her, "If you'd like, you can come over and sit and my lap and be sad/upset/frustrated for a while, I'll hold you, and then when you're ready, we're going to do XYZ (whatever it is that we're going to do). "

I'm finding that giving her the space to be upset is allowing her to get over it quickly and then move on. Things that would have resulted in 45 min tantrums are resolving in a minute of hugs without tears or real upset. If I tell her my statement above, she knows that I mean business too; no amount of tantrum is going to change the outcome. I can't believe that I did something right!!

[Piglet68]

that's great!

can you give me a specific example? I'm interested in understanding it in more detail....

[z-girl]

Here are some examples:

"I know that you were really hoping to wear the frog pajamas, but they are in the wash. If you want to feel sad about that for a while, you can come sit in my lap for some hugs and then we'll get the firetruck pajamas."

"I know that you would like another muffin, but you have already had 2. If you want to feel upset about not having more, you can come sit in my lap for some hugs and then we'll go to the kitchen and choose something to eat."

"I know that you would like to stay in the park for longer, but it's time to go home. If you want to feel upset about that for a while, you can come sit in my lap for some hugs and then we'll get in the car and go home. We can decide which puzzle you'd like to do when we get there."

She just really seems to feel comfortable knowing that she has space to feel her emotions, but that I'm going to follow through on what I say. Once I offer time to grieve, she knows that we're going to do what I said. And it's reduced the duration on tantrums considerably!

[Piglet68]

Thanks for explaining further, z-girl! It sounds good. I like that it's firm and consistent but allows for her to have her feelings expressed and validated by you in a loving way. I'm going to keep this in mind. DD isn't quite verbal enough for that yet, but I think she will be soon. I like adding "tools" to my toolbox!

[AnnaLaughs]

I just wanted to commend you....very thoughtful and mature parenting.
I am 32 but still vividly remember being denied real feelings as a child. Very damaging.

[Mothernature]

I'm glad it works for you. My dd doesn't want to have a thing to do with me when she is angry. She tends to blame the messenger when the news is bad. Usually the messenger is me. I've tried this routine and she really loses her cool with me. I guess each child is different. I am pleased you've found something that works.

[carmen veranda]

Thanks, I am going to try phrasing things in this way. It sounds so supportive and loving...Thanks for sharing...

[Liz]

z-girl wrote: "I know that you would like to stay in the park for longer, but it's time to go home. If you want to feel upset about that for a while, you can come sit in my lap for some hugs and then we'll get in the car and go home. We can decide which puzzle you'd like to do when we get there."

I did almost exactly the same thing with my ds. He would just climb in my lap with a pouty face and talk about it a bit and then be open to some new suggestion which he would have previously dug his heels in over ("Puzzle? Yeah!").

The one thing I wanted to comment on though was the "but". According to "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" following the acknowledgement of negative feelngs with a "but" statement ("but we have to go home") negates those feelings. It's really hard to do but if you just say, "You're sad that we have to leave the park. Do you want to come and sit on my lap and cry a little?" You've said "we have to leave the park" and you've explained previously why so don't labour it. Let this just be about the child's feelings. Or I guess you could say "You're sad we have to leave the park to go home..." Anyway, maybe some will think it's nit picky but it made allot of sense to me when I read it.

[z-girl]

Liz, thanks for your comment. Yeah, I get what you're saying. I think I really just explained it this way to make it succint in a post. If I've already explained to DD that we have to leave the park, that her pjs are in the wash, etc. I don't say it again. I just say, "I can see that you're sad/upset/whatever, and you can climb in my lap for a while." Pretty much how explained it in my first post. I was just adding some background in my next post. So, to be more accurate, when I see that DD is upset by something, we talk about her feelings, offer cuddle time, and then work on a solution. I do feel that she deserves an explantion though, like the pjs are dirty, too many muffins give us a tummy ache, etc.

At 27 months, she's also amazingly able to reflect on a situation afterwards. I'm often so surprised at what she describes as what upset her. Neat!

[Eggie]

z-girl,
I loved your aproach! I think it's fantastic. I remember that when I was a child and Mom and I were at the pediatrician's office to get my vaccines, I used to get so upset (hated shots and still do), so she used to tell me:
"You need to get those vaccines or you can become terrible ill, it's for your own benefit so lets stay here in the waiting room and we will only get into the Dr's office when you feel ready" maybe were other words but that made me feel so good, I cried so much first, then felt proud of being able to overcome my fears, plus it was no longer an "obligation" to do it, and got inside with my mom supporting me.

[z-girl]

Eggie, what a great mom you have! I remember those shots too- yuck! And I remember my little brother running all over the office to avoid them.

Yeah, it feels *great* when I see DD decide that she's ready to do something that's hard for her. I can see her getting wiser and more confident when she can decide when she's ready to do something. And it has really opened up our communication. At 27 months, she can really articulate what upsets her. She has even been able to come up with some solutions on her own. Wow! I'm learning a lot from her and from the mamas here!