I can't stop sobbing and have visions of spanking, please help ASAP

[tilly2321]

I am a SAHM of my DS who is 15 months old. Life has changed dramtically as we have moved across the country away from all family and friends so my husband can to to school. He is working horrific hours and I am at home and isolated in a new town. I can't take my toddler anywhere. Just to get out today, I took him to Boston market for some veggies and he screamed because he wants my cup. I give it to him and he takes off the top and dumps it all over the table. I hide it and he screams and tries to jump out of his highchair to look for it. He throws his sippy cup and screams the whole time. We don't go out all that much to eat, but we have the same problem on all errands. If he sees my credit card when I pay for food, he screams because he NEEDS it. He takes things out of the cart and throws them out. He is frustrated in part due to our new circumstances, but also because he is not walking yet I think. He was born at almost 10 pounds and is now almost 30, so my ped and I think maybe his weight is a contributing factor. I am lonely and discouraged. He won't let me leave the room to even go to the bathroom without screeching. My main discipline question (I already posted some of the other issues on the toddler board), is what do you do when you are out and your toddler wants something inappropriate? Like other people's shoes while at the Little Gym or someone else's straw and cup while you are out to dinner? Do you just keep saying "no?" Sometimes I can hide the item, but not without a huge response, other times I can't. Can someone please give me some advice. I am so desperate.
Thanks.
Elle

[Trishy]

I don;t have much advice. Ds is 25 months and I still have many of the same issues. I try distraction mostly but there are times that I am overwhelmed as well. We don't have a little gym so the shoes thing is not a problem. At the grocery store I give him a few things to put on the belt and then I let him press the buttons on the credit card machine until it is time for me to use it. I know it's probably not the best thing to do but I am not above giving ds a sucker if I feel myself starting to get overly upset about his behavior. It makes him happy and gives me a chance to get a handle on my emotions. to you, I know you are hurting mama.

[beachrock]

I feel so bad for you Elle!

When I have to go out with my 2 yr old and I know he's not in a cooperative mood, I just bring lots of his favourite toys (cars, these days), and also snacks, because often I can distract him with food. If he has a meltdown in public, or becomes combative, I try to hold him in my lap and sing to him until he has settled down and feels more himself.

We also just moved far away from friends and support , and it's been hard. I feel a little isolated and I know ds is really missing his friends. We had a regression with his nursing (he's really nursing ALOT during the day now, especially evening), and we are also letting him sleep in our bed for longer than we had anticipated in order to help him feel more secure in this new environment. When we are at home, I try to let him decide what the day will be like, instead of imposing my schedule on him, and in all other ways I strive to meet his needs, even when they seem unreasonable or regressive. All of these things seem to have helped with his mood and sense of control over his situation.

I know my child is older, and therefore more able to cope with the huge changes. I hope these ideas help you too. Best of luck with the changes and your new life. I'm sure your DS will eventually settle down.

[rda]

I too go through this all the time w/dd (18 mos). And we don't even have the moving issues you're dealing with. It must make it so much harder.

The best way I have to handle it is to get out of the situation as quickly as possible. A change of venue seems to help diffuse tantrums and frustrations. I know it can't always happen, like today, when we had to be at my older dd's middle school orientation. It was hot, we had to listen to a pretty pointless presentation for 45 minutes, then we had to wait in lines for an hour. I was at my wits end by the time we left. I even had my 12 yr old to help, but it still frayed my nerves. We barely got out of there without me losing it. (I couldn't lose it in front of older dd at her new school - she'd be mortified and never forgive me!)

I do find myself saying no and/or redirecting her over and over and over when she gets fixated on something she can't have. Today it was another kids Cheetos and Sprite. I can say that she is beginning to learn that some things belong to others and she can't always have them. But that doesn't stop her wanting them and it only increases her frustration. Which requires more distracting and redirecting.

I hope things improve for you as your little one gains skills that help him with his frustration. Mobility and language skills made a big difference to all my kids - but they brought new challenges for me!

[merpk]

At 15 mos if they're going for something I don't want 'em to have, I'll just pick them up, say "not for you," and there you go. If they scream, they scream. It helps to try really hard not to be embarrassed by public tantrums ...

When shopping or in a situation like that, where there's lots of stuff and they just want to grab, I would put the baby in the sling and pull it as tight as is dealwithable. Hard for them to grab anything that way.

Good luck ...

[siddie]

Distract, distract, distract him. Keep a bag of tricks with you like rattles, balls, bubbles, whatever he may like and when you take the credit card away say, this is a special toy for you and make it look like a really FUN rattle. Get him his own straw and paper cup out to dinner, scoop him up and roll him down the ramp at tumble gym away from the shoes. So much easier to distract, trade, replace the object of his desire than to try and reason with him or fight over it.

[LoveBeads]

Oh man, do I sympathize and empathize. I have a child who is nearly impossible to console and can scream and tantrum like nobody's business so I really feel your pain at having to "go there" several times a day.

With the credit card thing, I gave my DD a special wallet with her own credit card in it (just some old Blockbuster card or something like that) and she can pretend to pay when I'm paying. Or, I will tell her that it is her special job to put the items on the conveyor belt and hand the lady the credit card. Giving tasks seems to be the best way to stem the tide if you get my meaning. Ask the restaurant people for a cup with a straw and a lid (even if you put no liquid in it) so he can explore it.

Oh, and about the bathroom: that is definitely a stage and he will eventually outgrow it. It may take a while though so don't give up hope, it will eventually pass.

[NoraB]

(((HUGS)))! Parenting a toddler is not always easy, especially if you have very little support. My DH works long hours during the week, so I know a lot about being alone all day w/ a toddler. Just know that you're not alone!

My own DD is going through this. Sometimes I just want to pull my hair out. Basically, I try to evaluate whether or not there is a good reason to refuse her what she wants. I used to refuse to let her play w/ my wallet and/or credit cards when she saw them. After awhile though, I realized that I didn't really have a good reason. She couldn't really damage the wallet and cards and they couldn't hurt her. Now, if she wants them I let her play until she looses interest. However, if she starts to tear my checks or throw things on the floor, she gets one warning, then I take the wallet away. If she fusses, I tell her, "I know you're mad, but you cannot tear Mommy's checks (or throw the cards on the floor). You can play with the wallet when you treat it nicely." I know she doesn't completely understand me, but she will someday; and by then it'll already be a habit for me to talk to her like that. KWIM? If she wants a drink from my cup and it's something she can have, I let her. If it's something she cannot have (like soda, coffee, alcohol, etc), I tell her, "Not for DD. This is for DD," and offer her a drink of her own (or sometimes and empty cup). Sometimes that satisfies her and sometimes it doesn't. If it doesn't, I empathize w/ her and move on. I generally try to limit my "no's" as much as humanly possible w/o compromising her safety or anybody else's reasonable wants/needs. I do think it's important for her to realize that other ppl have needs and wants too that must be respected, just as hers are.

I want to add that DD's behaviour is much more "intense" : when she's tired, hungry, or overwhelmed. I try to limit outings and such when she's feeling out of sorts.

Feel free to PM me if you need to vent or need a web-hug!

[mama-mukti]

Some more words of encouragement:

Your son's behavior is NORMAL. Parenting a toddler is tiring because you do have to keep DISTRACTING, REDIRECTING, and also THINKING CREATIVELY about the hows and whys of what seems to work best for you and your child.

Spanking will only make both you and your child feel badly. It will erode the trust between you two. AT 15 months he is old enough for you to give him simple directions and explanations. Even if he can't follow them all yet, you are setting the ground work for later on.

Also, 15 months is a difficult stage - all those exciting things to see and touch! I recommend "The Emotional Life of The Toddler" by Alicia Lieberman for some insights into seeing the world from their eyes - it really helped me!

It sounds as if you need to find some activities and friends in your new town. Try signing up for physical activities (sounds like you have with the "Little Gym") but also be wary of joining into PlayGroups where the other parents may not have similiar parenting philosophies. Maybe you can post under the "Finding Your Tribe" forum to find AP Moms? Or post a notice at the library, etc.?

Good Luck!

[Foobar]

To have someone want something you have... That is hard. How about a compromise....Do you have an old credit card? Or a library card? Maybe when you are pulling out your credit card, give DS a different card and say, "This is mom's card, here's one for you!" Or give him HIS card first (this might backfire, but sometimes it is better to get his first)

Instead of giving him YOUR cup, see if you can get an extra cup and pour a little of your drink inot that and let him have that one. If he spills it, ok, clean it up, but he could have the cup, right?

Goo always gets her own straw when we are out because she wants what we have. I am sure the move is tough on him....

Sending you hugs... Playgrounds are also a great place to meet people!

[NoraB]

I wanted to add some more suggestions.

When I got a new wallet, I gave DD my old one. In it I put some credit card size pictures that I'd laminated. She loves it. Of course, that doesn't always stop her from wanting what I have. :

At dinner, I usually give her a cup that matches mine w/ a little bit of water. She has fun practicing drinking out of a regular cup.

Hope you're feeling better!