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washed her mouth out with soap!!

post #1 of 83
Thread Starter 
I'm at work right now and called DH-he told me he just washed out 3year old dd's mouth with soap because she spit at him-she was happy all day-I'm not sure what happened to make her do that-I hung up on DH because he started ranting and raving about me alaways trying to get him to parent differently-I think this manner of disciplining is so wrong !!I have one more hour to go here at work -and I'm so upset!!What would you do???
post #2 of 83
I'd tell him to call poison control and list off all the things that is IN soap.

That's disgusting!
post #3 of 83
What would *I* do? Honestly? Never leave him with her again, unless you can get through to him & are 100% sure he won't do that again. Not ok...
post #4 of 83
That's terrible I'd put some soap in his drink and see how much he likes it.
post #5 of 83
That is abusive on so many levels. Honestly I would be telling him to a) apologize to her and b) if he ever did anything of the sort ever again that he would be hearing from my lawyer.
post #6 of 83
Are you kidding me? PUH-LEEZE she spit at him. She needs to learn you don't spit at anyone, most importantly the people that gave you the gift of life.

Granted, no I wouldn't have used soap, this is hardly child abuse.
post #7 of 83
Nobody here is saying that spitting should be ignored- we're saying that putting soap in her mouth is NOT the right way to teach her not to spit again.

I would look right in the child's eyes and say "do NOT spit on me. It's not nice."

Then I'd try to figure out what the underlying problem is (child hungry? bored? overtired? needs attention?) and meet the child's needs.
post #8 of 83
Of course spitting is not acceptable StayAtHome. But bullying, humiliating and potentially harming a child's health are much MORE unacceptable in my view. After all, the child is still learning acceptable behavior. An adult should know better than to bully a vulnerable person like this. There are many ways to teach and guide a child without resorting to degradation and violation of the child's body.

OP, I would have a serious heart-to-heart with DH and involve a counselor if need be. If you cannot agree on a resolution, personally, I would not leave my child in the care of someone who would resort to methods like this. Best wishes.
post #9 of 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by rmzbm View Post
What would *I* do? Honestly? Never leave him with her again, unless you can get through to him & are 100% sure he won't do that again. Not ok...
ITA

Quote:
Originally Posted by Heavenly View Post
That is abusive on so many levels. Honestly I would be telling him to a) apologize to her and b) if he ever did anything of the sort ever again that he would be hearing from my lawyer.
( I wish the smilie wasn't smiling here)

Quote:
Originally Posted by StayAtHomeMama21 View Post
Are you kidding me? PUH-LEEZE she spit at him. She needs to learn you don't spit at anyone, most importantly the people that gave you the gift of life.

Granted, no I wouldn't have used soap, this is hardly child abuse.
It certainly isn't GD, which is what Mothering is here to discuss, support and advocate.
post #10 of 83
When you are both calm, I would ask him what he wanted to teach her by washing out her mouth with soap. Ask him if he thought she learned the lesson he wanted. Chances are that what she learned is that dh can be a bully and do nasty things to her and she probably does not understand why. She certainly is not going to learn to be polite and not spit by having her mouth washed out. So, have him brainstorm with you what he wants her to learn and how she can go about learning that every day. What can you do together to help her learn to be polite and handle her problems respectfully. Also, if wants her to be nice to him he has to learn not to go after her in anger. Going after her in anger is just going to teach her to do the same. Don't fight over this. Just ask him calmly and rationally how to truly teach her to be a good person and come up with a game plan to handle mishaps in a more kind manner in the future.


Because, this is clearly a man who needs to rethink his methods. You reap what you sow. So, what does he want to sow? The main point of GD is to teach our kids to be kind, respectful people without harming them. Discipline requires teaching. Both your dh and your dd need to be taught some lessons here.
post #11 of 83
If he is ranting and raving over you wanting to parent differently I'd be taking a good long look at the type of parenting he was raised with. Because if he is soaping his kids, then one can be pretty certain it was authoritarian and not gentle. How does he feel about the parenting he recieved as a child? What is his relationship with his parents like? How does he feel about his childhood ?

The answers will tell you a few things about how to handle this situation.
post #12 of 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by StayAtHomeMama21 View Post
Are you kidding me? PUH-LEEZE she spit at him. She needs to learn you don't spit at anyone, most importantly the people that gave you the gift of life.

Granted, no I wouldn't have used soap, this is hardly child abuse.

Shoving a bar of soap into a 3 yr. old's mouth is VERY abusive. And if my husband was ignorant enough to think this was ok he would cease being my husband. Period.
post #13 of 83
i think you should go home and tell your hubby that he needs to find a better way to handle the situation should it arise again. he may not like the way you decipline but soap?? who does that anymore??? you have to make him understand that thier are better ways to teach a child and give him other options.
i hope your hubby can jump on board with GD, or at the least be more gentle. keeping your child from him is not a good option a child needs time with dad too.
post #14 of 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lia & Eva's Mama View Post
i think you should go home and tell your hubby that he needs to find a better way to handle the situation should it arise again. he may not like the way you decipline but soap?? who does that anymore??? you have to make him understand that thier are better ways to teach a child and give him other options.
i hope your hubby can jump on board with GD, or at the least be more gentle. keeping your child from him is not a good option a child needs time with dad too.
Then dad should work on his "parenting" and be a little more responsible & less childish. It's up to him.
post #15 of 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by StayAtHomeMama21 View Post
Are you kidding me? PUH-LEEZE she spit at him. She needs to learn you don't spit at anyone, most importantly the people that gave you the gift of life.

Granted, no I wouldn't have used soap, this is hardly child abuse.
Sheesh, it is to me, and hopefully to everyone on here. I vividly remember having my mouth washed out with soap for talking back, and it was horrible. It's disgusting.
post #16 of 83
we made that mistake with ds when he was about 3. I think he was cussing and we thought we were supposed to put an end to it.

Afterwards, we were more exausted than he was and feeling like totally the worlds worst parents.

It SUCKED.

For all involved.

It WAS abuse. I did it. I know it was abuse.

Did your dh think it sucked or was he in favor of his strategy?
post #17 of 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by goodheartedmama View Post
Sheesh, it is to me, and hopefully to everyone on here. I vividly remember having my mouth washed out with soap for talking back, and it was horrible. It's disgusting.
Noone ever did it to me BUT I remember being little and curious & once in the tub I took a BITE of a bar of soap. I will NEVER forget the taste. If you haven't ever had soap in your mouth you won't understand, it's WORSE than what you imagine. And it STAYS a LONG time.
post #18 of 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lia & Eva's Mama View Post
i think you should go home and tell your hubby that he needs to find a better way to handle the situation should it arise again. he may not like the way you decipline but soap?? who does that anymore??? you have to make him understand that thier are better ways to teach a child and give him other options.
i hope your hubby can jump on board with GD, or at the least be more gentle. keeping your child from him is not a good option a child needs time with dad too.
:

My DH and I had different ideas about parenting too, and he used to get frustrated when I would tell him how I thought it should be. I think it's important to talk to him, find out specifically what it is you do that he doesn't like, voice your concerns about his methods, and then try to find a middle, common approach that you are both happy about and agree with. Once DH and I talked this out, we were able to provide a more united front and consistent method our children, and we and they are better for it. Hang in there mama!
post #19 of 83
Having common ground is great as long as it's GD. Common ground can not come at the expense of our kids well being. Especially if a parent has not come to terms with their own childhood, which is often the reason they promote authoritarian parenting and abusive discipline like soaping.
post #20 of 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arduinna View Post
Having common ground is great as long as it's GD. Common ground can not come at the expense of our kids well being. Especially if a parent has not come to terms with their own childhood, which is often the reason they promote authoritarian parenting and abusive discipline like soaping.
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