I Need Help (very long)

[springmama]

Let me just start out with saying that MDC is the only place I have to come for support. I am so glad that I know about it. I am not okay anymore. I have no idea what is wrong w/ me. The past few days have been so rough. We have no health insurance and are totally strapped financially. I do not qualify for any programs such as medicaid. I can't get help because I have no way to pay for it. Tonight was so hard and I thought that I needed to go to the hopsital and Dh said to me, "Well last xmas the fridge broke and this year we'll pay for you to go to the hospital." We are still paying off his hospital bill from when he hurt himself in June and we'll be making payments on that for the next year. There are no free mental health programs in our area. I am not a danger to myself or my children btw.

Right now I feel overwhelmed w/ my 3 month old and 2 year old. Dh has been working 10 hour days since monday and will be working until xmas. I get no breaks. He doesn't understand what that can do to a person. dd and ds are up throughout the night. dd doesn't nap, she is all over ds all day. I can't just put him down on the floor to hang out on a blanket or in his basket without having to totally watch them. She almost rolled him off the bed today. It is so stressful. I have to put on a movie to get the house cleaned so she is not making a mess while I clean. ds is a big baby and needs to be held a lot. My back is killing me. dd is a high needs kid that runs at full throttle ALL day. I am the type of person that needs 8-9 hours of sleep every night (dh can't get this through his head) I feel sleep deprived. Yesterday I didn't even feel safe driving. I feel out of my head sometimes because I can't remember simple things. I have such bad short term memory loss (and I don't smoke pot) that I feel crazy. I feel lonely and isolated. I asked for help today but my mom was too tired to help me, FIL was too busy and will help tomorrow, MIL has a husband that doesn't want her spending too much time with her family, SIL has her own kids and a dh that doesn't help her at all. All my friends are super busy w/ their own jobs and kids. We can't afford to pay a baby sitter or put dd in daycare a few hours a week.

But even before all of that I need to admit that I am not the most mentally stable person. I have done a lot of self work over the years and have improved so much but I have a long way to go. Please don't judge me. I can't afford a therapist so I am going to come here to talk. I do fine a few days a week and then the other few days I am depressed. I get scared that I am bi-polar. But when I am not depressed I am normal not manic. The last therapist I saw said that I was like anti bi-polar. My dad was bi-polar, my sister is bi-polar. My mom has serious depression issues. Therapist said that I had PTSD. I have been depressed off and on most of my life. Things have gotten worse since we bought a house that we can't afford two years ago. I would say that I have been consistenly depressed since then. But having a few good days followed by a few depressed days. I experience social anxiety and I think that I also have OCD. I never have good dreams - they range from strange to deeply disturbing nightmares. Either my childhood was worse than I can remember or something seriously traumatic happened to me and I am blocking it out. These ups and downs are starting to interfere with my life. While I can still function I am not able to live my life to the fullest when I feel awful every few days.

I told dh that I have to start having help. He said that he will talk to his parents and that I need to schedule breaks for myself. I feel like I am so weak. I want to be a mentally healthy person. I know that having time to myself will help me. I just don't feel ok right now. I am so sad that I am struggling. I didn't want to be like this. How do I fix this w/out any $ for therapy? What have you done to help yourself recover from depression naturally and how do you stick to your plan? Thanks for reading this and I would appreciate any input.

[Breathe]

One step at a time!

Hey Springmama, I'm here, hearing you. Just hang on, Mama. You are in one tough spot with a toddler and big baby . . . I was there a few years back: infant so heavy that I ruined my body by wearing him all the time, but 3yo so dangerous that Baby couldn't be put down. And I swear all you can do is put one put in front of the other, tuck your chin, and keep moving. Sounds like you are already doing that. Even tho you are struggling, your post sounds amazingly coherent and strong to me . . . you're able to identify why things are so hard (dreaded sleep deprivation!!!) and that's a really good sign to me (the layperson).

I logged on here tonight for a little support of my own, so I won't pretend to have it figured out, but I PROMISE you it will get better when you can sleep and when you can safely put your baby down. Only time will bring that to you. I hope that's not discouraging . . . I mean it to be reassuring, cause it's not like there's some magic bullet out there that you've just not discovered.

Regarding your depression, I can share what has helped me. I found that when I began religiously taking my multi, fish oil (LOTS, like 4-6 capsules/day), and a probiotic, I started to feel just a bit better. I know that stuff is pricey, but if you can swing it, I think it will help. If you must choose only one, get that fish oil, cause more and more studies are saying it's CRITICAL for PPD (even if you don't have that official diagnosis, you certainly have the life circumsstnaces to match -- I did too.)

And there's new research indicating that exercise is just as effective as Zoloft (wait, don't shoot me!), SO, if you can round up a double stroller and walk with both little ones, that could help. Both of my children have been velcro-like, so I've had to do all my exercising with them with me -- the double stroller saved me. If you don't have one, I wonder if your back could manage the babe on your back in a pack or Ergo, with 2yo in a stroller for 20 minutes? If you're in a cold climate, I highly highly highly rx trying to find a used treadmill, elliptical, or bike . . . I can't believe I didn't think of that when my babes were little. I think it could have saved a lot of heartache.

I know the most important thing you need is a listening ear, so I apologize if I've gone on too long with suggestions. Truly, getting sleep has been the most important thing for me, and I had to wait till my youngest was 3 to get any. ANd that's only bc my dh started sleeping with 3yo and handling all the night waking. It's just a LONG HAUL for AP mamas, and with two children under the age of 3 to care for 24/7, you are just going to be in marathon mode for a while.

All this said, if you feel like your distress is more than "just" the reality of life with small children and very little support, go to the doctor if you need to. Find someone locally who can listen, or who might know of other places that might be able to support you.

Now my 3yo is in my lap, trying to push buttons . . . Hope this helps a tiny bit. I'll be back, listening as needed!

Much much mama love and gentleness to you!
Eleanor

[hellyaellen]

i just wanted to post some support though i don't have much concrete ideas for you

do you have a religious connection of any kind? that may be a free avenue of help for you. even if its just someone irl to talk to. or an hour a week to sit still (if you don't mind putting one or both kids in the nursery)

can you let some of the housework slide for a while? just give yourself permission to have a less than awesome home? when i'm out of steam i let evrything go but the dishes.

i hope you get the irl support you need but we'll be hwere when you need us too.

[velcromom]

I can truly identify with your situation, I have a 5 month old and a just-turned 5 year old who had a very very hard time adjusting to the new baby - the first four months were really horrible. My five month old dd is big too, I can put her in the wrap maybe for two stretches during the day but that is it. I felt the way you describe often.

I think you are on the right track, insisting on making arrangements for regular help and getting breaks for yourself. If you can get a family member or?? to come on regular days each week that would be great. Does anyone you know have preteen or teen children? Even a 12 year old is a good helper, could be assigned to play with the toddler while you lie down with the baby or could help you pick up to get ahead on the housework. You may not be able to pay cash but you can be a good reference for the sitter when they look for other jobs.

About not being able to afford any dr visits... try calling some local drs - you don't have to give your name or details to simply ask if they can charge on a sliding scale. You may find someone who can do that, and even just a check-in once a month can help keep you on track.

[LifeOnLivingstone]

Oh honey, I so hear you. It will get better, I promise. You are in the parenting trenches now. My youngest is three now, and we still have some rough times, but when I had a bunch of really young ones I really thought I might lose my mind. I agree with the PPs who said just keep putting one foot in front of the other, get as much exercise as you can even if you don't want to, and take vitamins and fish oil if you can. And if you can't, and you need to go to the hospital, do it. You are far more important that a refrigerator repair, and you will pay it off when you can. s

[springmama]

Thank you for your support. I just typed a response but somehow I deleted it instead of submitting it. Ds is awake now so I have to go but I am working on formulating a plan to get on track. I will post more later.

[Demeter9]

It is NOT weak to ask for help. It is not weak to need a break.

It is a fundamental physiological human need to exercise - get out and walk. Exercise the single best thing for depression.

Gratefully ask and accept the help from your IL's. And then go for a good solid walk for 45 minutes. Cheap, easy therapy.

This is a modern phenomena - that people think that a woman (usually) by themselves with no break for years on end should do everything without help. No where in history, and in no other culture is this true. Only in cases of war, extreme poverty and devasting lethal communicable diseases and in the pioneer's life. The pioneer background has given us a legacy of parenting that is only replicated in the human condition by war, poverty and disease - that is really saying something.

[Cherie2]

I work for an office of counselors and am aware of many resources available to people in our town ... I wonder if there may be resources in your town that you just don't know about ... if you pm me where you live i may be able to do a little research for you.

also lots of hugs to you. you are doing a wonderful job of staying in touch with yourself.