Fertility Acceptance?

[rlinnett]

Is any one else out there struggling with just accepting their fertility? We have three beautiful kids and after every one we struggle with how to "prevent" the next one. They always come, regardless of how we try to prevent it. For me, it does have religious connotations, but I realize it is not only for the religious. It is also a very natural choice. Why try to fix something that really isn't broken? Our bodies are designed a specific way and I don't want to screw it up trying to control something I should just accept.

Any one else feeling this way? I know this could mean a lot of kids for my dh and I, but I am ready to just accept it and be thankful. Maybe we could start a new section for those of us wanting to practice fertility acceptance? I'm interested to hear where some of you are in this season of childbearing years and all the tough decisions we must make!

[AugustineM]

Well, I hear ya. DH and I have two DCs, both just "happened" I guess you could say. We weren't really TTC nor TTA if that makes sense. But after #2 we really struggled with BC. I tried the minipill... wasn't worth it. I got an IUD but it messed with my sex drive and I had cramping a lot of the time. Now I am using FAM and it is pretty great. I am nursing my 18 month old but I still have great charts and very normal cycles, so I think it is a good match for me. I like it too because there is no hormones or surgery required!

Sometimes I wish that I could just let nature take it's course and have babies and be pg a lot, but honestly I worry about myself and DH becoming overwhelmed with too many children. I love children and I want to have 3, but I don't know if I would ideally like more than that... I think it just depends on how you feel about it. GL to you!

[SunnyKat]

I've been lurking for awhile and I wanted to chime in for the other side of the topic. I'm 39 and have been neither trying nor not trying to have a child with my husband for 12 years. We are of the mind set that it will happen when and if it is 'meant' to happen. Only within the past year have we decided to try just a little harder then not trying. The farthest I will go to get pregnant is to chart for a few months and alter my already healthy lifestyle.
If I am infertile then I accept that completely. Maybe giving birth is just not in my cards this lifetime. I am in acceptance of that.
(But personally...I would really love to have a baby. )

[APBTlover]

This has been on my mind as well... although I am not actually religious (soft agnostic at this point in my life), I do frequent the blogs of many conservative Christians (Catholic and Protestant) who avoid BC. I am fascinated by that, and by that deep acceptance of their own fertility.

I already had these impulses, though, as an offshoot of trying to live as naturally as possible. That's why we use FAM right now (with a condom now and again, I admit), because I refuse to alter my body chemistry with hormones or have any artificial object reside in me long-term (IUD, etc). That has simply never been an option to me.

Likewise, I will not submit to fertility treatments if we are unable to conceive. Barring health measures such as diet improvements and similar measures.

[Super Pickle]

I've been thinking about this a lot. I recently got pregnant with my third child while on the Pill. We didn't want to have any more children and I was pretty upset about it at first (happy now, though). And then I had to tell two of my friends, who have both dreamed of being mothers all their lives and who are struggling with infertility. One friend has no idea why she's never gotten pregnant, the other assumes it's related to some other health problems and medications.

So, when I look at my friends and all they have that I don't--careers that command respect, financial independence, romance and equal partnerships with their husbands--I think they're so lucky. But they look at me and all I have that they don't--two beautiful children and another one on the way--and they think I'm so lucky. It's like none of us can just be satisfied with what we have, even though we've all got great lives and many blessings. We would never admit it, but I suspect we three feel, deep down, that we can *only* be happy if we have the exact number of babies we want exactly when we want them.

I think the widespread availablility of birth control and abortion has a lot to do with these attitudes....we're taught from early youth that reproduction is "our choice." If we're just careful and responsible enough, we'll be able to put off childbearing until we're ready. Then, thanks to early screenings and amniocentesis, we can make sure we only have "perfect" children--and, of course, only two of them.

But that's an illusion. There is still so much that is just out of our hands. It is hard to accept that after all the cultural conditioning. Anyway, just ramblings....

[Sioko]

I'm all about this.
I'd like to say I truly accept my fertility, except it's not following my plans right now! I wanted a baby last year. That would make three, the second two years from the first and the third three years after the second. Perfect plan. The plan we made the month before DD #1 came. But, the harder it's becoming to get this "last" baby, the more I don't care what my plans were originally. I want as many babies as God will give me! Bring 'em on! I now think how spoiled and arrogant was I to use condoms with DH all that time before our "plan". What a waste. I could have at least my 3 babes by now, if not 4. But I was arrogant enough to "plan". Now I realize fertility is a gift not to be taken for granted. Don't waste it!

And I agree with the social conditioning thing. If not for this "choice" mentality, I wouldn't be looked at as "Crazy" or "selfish" for daring to desire more than 2 children. I think it's sad that large families, with 3-4+ kids (three is large now, sheesh) are seen as an oddity, or an impossibility financially. With a budget, and accepting I can't have a wii connected to a big screen and wear 50$ jeans, we are quite comfortable in our home on 2000 a month. We have a friend who's goal is making 100,000 a year so he can "afford to start a family". He's almost 40 and has sacrificed beautiful relationships because they got in the way of his plan or simply weren't "fitting" it. He's made his financial goal this last year. But he realizes he may never get his perfectly planned family now. He wishes he "had more time". The priorities of this culture are so backwards to me. Money first, then family??? What use is money without a family to share and support with it??? And contrarily, as long as you have family, you don't need anything else!

jmo </Rant>

[clicksab]

I feel like I've pretty much accepted my fertility. I've known since I was a teenager that I wasn't supposed to take BC or anything. I just knew that I wanted to leave having kids up to God and not myself (so yes, it is "religious" for me, but I'm not actually of a particular denomination that requires or even expects that). When I met my DH I told him how I felt and he took a few days to think about it...he's been 100% on board ever since.
I think our bodies are amazing and our fertility is absolutely beautiful. It isn't something I want to tame and control.

This isn't to say that it's always an easy decision. I've gotten a LOT of grief about it from people who feel like I was too young to start a family (married at 19, pg at 20) and are fearful that I'll have them too close together. And, of course, there is the whole fear that I'll end up with more kids than we can handle! But most days I'm at peace with our decision. I hope you can find peace too!

[thankfulmommy]

Wow! I'm still pretty new to this board and I didn't know this was here! I have 8 children and most people just don't get it, even our family. We decided to leave how many children we had in God's hands when we "decided" to have a 3rd child. Since then we have been pregnant by the time or before the youngest turned a year old! We get comments from family and strangers. We rethought this decision after our 7th was born and decided to be careful, lol! I was totally breastfeeding him, he was a big comfort nurser and didn't take a passy, my cycles hadn't returned, so chances were slim that we'd have another at that time. Then he turned 6 mos old and my cycles ususally return by then and I started getting uneasy about it. One night, the baby and I went to the store and I got to thinking that saying we didn't want another baby was like saying we didn't want another Jessica, Daniel, Anna, Kaylee, Emily, Alyssa or Eli and it brought tears to my eyes. I realized that if we did something to make sure we didn't have any more kids then I'd always wonder who else we might have had to love. I knew we'd one day regret it. So I came home and told dh that I felt so blessed to have our 7 children and if we never had another I couldn't complain but that I feared we may one day regret it if we did anything to make sure we didn't have another. And now we have Nathan, we could have missed having him! So now, I don't worry, I'll glad have any babies God wants to give us!

I agree, society has us conditioned to think having a big family is absurd. We have NEVER had a NEED that God hasn't met and He's given us so many of our wants as well. It doesn't take as much money as people make out to have a baby or a big family. So many things people think they need for a baby isn't needed and certainly not right away. We're conditioned to think that we have to have everything we'll ever need for a child before they get here! And then so many things can be reused. All of mine get new things but we reuse baby things that are in good condition. Baby things especially are used for such a short time as they grow so fast! We do make some sacrifices, I guess some would say, in that we don't go on elaborate or really any vacations other than to visit family really. Just short trips. We don't have fancy furniture but we have decent stuff that is kid friendly. We bought a new living room set several years ago and now it's gone, it broke and got worn out and weak during moves and kids jumping on it....Now we have a set that was given to us that is in fine condition and I'm happier with that than the one we bought! Our kids have brought us far more joy than any material thing. It's so sad to me that people miss out while waiting to get all their ducks in a row.... The other day, on another board I belong to a girl said she wanted to have another but for certain reasons, they had decided not to and she mentioned being sad about it and several others chimed in saying they would love to have another, but they couldn't afford it or whatever. It made me realize that there are a lot more ladies out there that would love to have more kids but don't because society has said 2 is enough especially if you have a boy and a girl. I really did feel sad for them.

Anyway, I've rambled long enough, but it's so nice to find some ladies who share some of the same ideas! I look forward to chatting with you all!

Tammy

[barose]

Originally Posted by SunnyKat

I've been lurking for awhile and I wanted to chime in for the other side of the topic. I'm 39 and have been neither trying nor not trying to have a child with my husband for 12 years. We are of the mind set that it will happen when and if it is 'meant' to happen. Only within the past year have we decided to try just a little harder then not trying. The farthest I will go to get pregnant is to chart for a few months and alter my already healthy lifestyle.
If I am infertile then I accept that completely. Maybe giving birth is just not in my cards this lifetime. I am in acceptance of that.
(But personally...I would really love to have a baby. )

I envy people like yourself who can pretty much take it or leave it (children, giving birth). I cant give up yet. The desire is deep in the fiber of my being.

Another issue for me is, my infertility and certain health problems (PCOS, hypothyroid) goes hand-in-hand. I HAVE to treat those conditions so I can have a good quality of life so in turn I am taking care of my fertility. Accepting an illness isnt an option for me either.

Just the other side of the other side.

[swellmomma]

I have to a point, I know that I am highly fertile, I know that no bc works for me based on past reactions. That said as a single woman I chose to abstaince unless actually ttc otherwise I would have alot more than the 4 I do. My bf and I have agreed though once we are living together(this summer we move) that we will leave it in God's hands and whether that means I have 1 more child, 5 more children, or 17 more children it will not be up to us.

[because]

Is this a support only thread? This will be my only post if you say so.

Originally Posted by rlinnett

It is also a very natural choice. Why try to fix something that really isn't broken? Our bodies are designed a specific way and I don't want to screw it up trying to control something I should just accept.

There are lots of things that are "natural" for us to do that were necessary for survival until fairly recently is no longer needed for us to survive in our modern lifestyles. We don't do them because the old natural consequences don't apply any more. Having lots and lots of babies and having 2-3 survive to adulthood is way different than having 12 survive to adulthood nowadays.

Childbearing is only one example.

This post could get really long fast so I will leave it at that. I'm happy to debate but I don't want to hijack if you were intending a support-only thread.

[barose]

In terms of money, there are lots of reasons not to have children unless you're financially comfortable, be it $20,000 or $200,000/year for you.

[kittywitty]

Originally Posted by because

Is this a support only thread? This will be my only post if you say so.



There are lots of things that are "natural" for us to do that were necessary for survival until fairly recently is no longer needed for us to survive in our modern lifestyles. We don't do them because the old natural consequences don't apply any more. Having lots and lots of babies and having 2-3 survive to adulthood is way different than having 12 survive to adulthood nowadays.

Childbearing is only one example.

This post could get really long fast so I will leave it at that. I'm happy to debate but I don't want to hijack if you were intending a support-only thread.

Yeah, lets not go there. I come from a large family where the 12+ kids did all survive to adulthood in all but 2 cases in the past several hundred years I have records of. Let's not start this anti-big families thing.

I feel you, OP. I have now finally accepted and embraced it. I was told I would never be able to have children and I was blessed with 4. I want more, but dh is soooo not accepting of our fertility.

[barose]

Originally Posted by kittywitty

I feel you, OP. I have now finally accepted and embraced it. I was told I would never be able to have children and I was blessed with 4. I want more, but dh is soooo not accepting of our fertility.

He sounds rational. We cant make all life changing decisions based on our hormones and emotions alone.

[kittywitty]

Originally Posted by barose

He sounds rational. We cant make all life changing decisions based on our hormones and emotions alone.

Wow. So nice of you.

[barose]

Originally Posted by kittywitty

Wow. So nice of you.

JMO

[AdinaL]

Please remember to frame statements with the use of "I". It saves everyone from a lot of hurt and misunderstanding when people share their opinion, or their experience, and it is *clear* that they are not passing judgement.

This is a tough topic, with lots of emotions on both sides, both accepting, and not accepting. Please remember that your choice is just that, *your* choice. You cannot make this choice for anyone but your and your family, nor can you change someone's mind about what is right for them via a message board. I encourage you to share stories, and really get to know both sides of the issue, it can only benefit all of us to understand the other's point of view. Passing judgement, or telling someone else why their choice is wrong, is not okay.

[Tina Marie]

I think where I have a problem with accepting fertility is NOT being able to have ANY children. I always said I wanted 2, 3 if it happened, but even just 1 or 100 would be a blessing. I'm in a relationship with a man who I thought didn't exist, loving, supportive, nothing short of amazing. We are talking steadily talking about getting married in a year or so, and we definitely want kids. I know my views have been...opened through the years. I used to think anyone who had more than 2 kids were doing some crazy impossible task, but now all I have to do is look at my sister with her four kids and know differently. I don't know how she and her hubby can pull it off, but somehow they make it work, and they have 4 beautiful happy monkeys. I'm trying really hard to accept the cards that I've been dealt. I've had so many health problems etc. that I've learned to live with, but if I'm unable to have a baby, that's going to be really hard. You ladies continue to be a source of wonderful support

[Sioko]

Originally Posted by thankfulmommy

Wow! I'm still pretty new to this board and I didn't know this was here! I have 8 children and most people just don't get it, even our family. We decided to leave how many children we had in God's hands when we "decided" to have a 3rd child. Since then we have been pregnant by the time or before the youngest turned a year old! We get comments from family and strangers. We rethought this decision after our 7th was born and decided to be careful, lol! I was totally breastfeeding him, he was a big comfort nurser and didn't take a passy, my cycles hadn't returned, so chances were slim that we'd have another at that time. Then he turned 6 mos old and my cycles ususally return by then and I started getting uneasy about it. One night, the baby and I went to the store and I got to thinking that saying we didn't want another baby was like saying we didn't want another Jessica, Daniel, Anna, Kaylee, Emily, Alyssa or Eli and it brought tears to my eyes. I realized that if we did something to make sure we didn't have any more kids then I'd always wonder who else we might have had to love. I knew we'd one day regret it. So I came home and told dh that I felt so blessed to have our 7 children and if we never had another I couldn't complain but that I feared we may one day regret it if we did anything to make sure we didn't have another. And now we have Nathan, we could have missed having him! So now, I don't worry, I'll glad have any babies God wants to give us!

I agree, society has us conditioned to think having a big family is absurd. We have NEVER had a NEED that God hasn't met and He's given us so many of our wants as well. It doesn't take as much money as people make out to have a baby or a big family. So many things people think they need for a baby isn't needed and certainly not right away. We're conditioned to think that we have to have everything we'll ever need for a child before they get here! And then so many things can be reused. All of mine get new things but we reuse baby things that are in good condition. Baby things especially are used for such a short time as they grow so fast! We do make some sacrifices, I guess some would say, in that we don't go on elaborate or really any vacations other than to visit family really. Just short trips. We don't have fancy furniture but we have decent stuff that is kid friendly. We bought a new living room set several years ago and now it's gone, it broke and got worn out and weak during moves and kids jumping on it....Now we have a set that was given to us that is in fine condition and I'm happier with that than the one we bought! Our kids have brought us far more joy than any material thing. It's so sad to me that people miss out while waiting to get all their ducks in a row.... The other day, on another board I belong to a girl said she wanted to have another but for certain reasons, they had decided not to and she mentioned being sad about it and several others chimed in saying they would love to have another, but they couldn't afford it or whatever. It made me realize that there are a lot more ladies out there that would love to have more kids but don't because society has said 2 is enough especially if you have a boy and a girl. I really did feel sad for them.

Anyway, I've rambled long enough, but it's so nice to find some ladies who share some of the same ideas! I look forward to chatting with you all!

Tammy

I completely relate/agree/respect/look up to YOU! You're my hero!!

[Sioko]

Originally Posted by kittywitty

Yeah, lets not go there. I come from a large family where the 12+ kids did all survive to adulthood in all but 2 cases in the past several hundred years I have records of. Let's not start this anti-big families thing.

I feel you, OP. I have now finally accepted and embraced it. I was told I would never be able to have children and I was blessed with 4. I want more, but dh is soooo not accepting of our fertility.

If I was told no kids and had 4 then I would be soooo grateful for each one of them and every child to grace me thereafter! Each one a miracle against science! I'm sorry your DH isn't on the same page as you. I know that can be heart breaking! s

Originally Posted by Tina Marie

I think where I have a problem with accepting fertility is NOT being able to have ANY children. I always said I wanted 2, 3 if it happened, but even just 1 or 100 would be a blessing. I'm in a relationship with a man who I thought didn't exist, loving, supportive, nothing short of amazing. We are talking steadily talking about getting married in a year or so, and we definitely want kids. I know my views have been...opened through the years. I used to think anyone who had more than 2 kids were doing some crazy impossible task, but now all I have to do is look at my sister with her four kids and know differently. I don't know how she and her hubby can pull it off, but somehow they make it work, and they have 4 beautiful happy monkeys. I'm trying really hard to accept the cards that I've been dealt. I've had so many health problems etc. that I've learned to live with, but if I'm unable to have a baby, that's going to be really hard. You ladies continue to be a source of wonderful support

s That's what we're here for! To give and receive support! Well I am anyway, I wouldn't want to speak for anyone else I love these forums because they are safe. I hope things go better for you from here on out! s