Overwhelmed by holiday visitors

[minta]

This is my first post in MH. I am someone who struggled greatly with depression and anxiety in the past, but I seem to have gotten much better in recent years. However, whenever the holidays start, I suddenly feel like I need a panic button!

I hate having company. Truly, truly hate it. I have been a SAHM for 3 years now and before that I worked from home, so I really enjoy being in my own space, doing things my own way, keeping everything organized and clutter-free etc... I have definite OCD traits and am fine so long as I can keep tabs on everything but as soon as we have houseguests, all my systems go to pot and I can feel myself coming undone.

We have DH's family staying with us ATM and they are all very loud and disorganized and messy and careless and the sad fact of the matter is their presence makes me a basket case. I would love to be the kind of person that can welcome others into my home with open arms and just relax, but I can't. I feel short of breath and claustrophobic and walk around with this unyielding tension all through my body until they finally go.

So why have guests at all? Well, we all live in different states, and I believe that family is important, and I think it's important for the kids to have relatives in their lives, and I'm the only one who has this issue so I try to just get over it. No one has enough money to stay in a hotel so we take turns hosting, and TBH, it's equally hard on me either way as I just can't cope with crowds and chaos and constant noise and activity.

I really don't know how to deal with myself at this time. Any tips? I keep telling DH that no one would choose to be as stressed out as I am and that I wish that I could be different, but I'm just not.

[beansavi]

Originally Posted by minta

This is my first post in MH. I am someone who struggled greatly with depression and anxiety in the past, but I seem to have gotten much better in recent years. However, whenever the holidays start, I suddenly feel like I need a panic button!

I hate having company. Truly, truly hate it. I have been a SAHM for 3 years now and before that I worked from home, so I really enjoy being in my own space, doing things my own way, keeping everything organized and clutter-free etc... I have definite OCD traits and am fine so long as I can keep tabs on everything but as soon as we have houseguests, all my systems go to pot and I can feel myself coming undone.

We have DH's family staying with us ATM and they are all very loud and disorganized and messy and careless and the sad fact of the matter is their presence makes me a basket case. I would love to be the kind of person that can welcome others into my home with open arms and just relax, but I can't. I feel short of breath and claustrophobic and walk around with this unyielding tension all through my body until they finally go.

So why have guests at all? Well, we all live in different states, and I believe that family is important, and I think it's important for the kids to have relatives in their lives, and I'm the only one who has this issue so I try to just get over it. No one has enough money to stay in a hotel so we take turns hosting, and TBH, it's equally hard on me either way as I just can't cope with crowds and chaos and constant noise and activity.

I really don't know how to deal with myself at this time. Any tips? I keep telling DH that no one would choose to be as stressed out as I am and that I wish that I could be different, but I'm just not.

Hugs. Good for you for posting about this. I tend to be this way,too. Somewhere long ago I read about this kind of situation, but I wish I could tell you where. However, the main point of the reading really struck me: View this situation as an opportunity to release the things about yourself that hold you back needlessly. When you are an old grandma, looking back on your life, will you remember the clean table, swept floors, or messy playroom? No. You will remember-AND MISS-the companionship, the laughter, that Monopoly game you played over eggnog that one Christmas Eve... I know how hard it is, but these things happen for a reason, I believe. They give ua an opportunity to grow... and it is our free will to take this opportunity, or not.

Bean

[minta]

See, I agree with that on a rational level, which is why I keep getting myself into this situation in the first place, but all the reasoning in the world doesn't help me once the visitors have actually come. I seriously start having heart palpitations the second they arrive and all the chamomile tea, deep breathing and yoga just doesn't do it as far as getting me through it. I WISH I felt differently, but my head and heart aren't on the same page, IYKWIM?

[elizaMM]

I'm sorry most of us haven't been around to respond since you posted!

I totally KWYM! After I picked my mom up from the bus stop on Monday I just sat and cried for about 20 minutes. I just had a lot to do; no reason for crying really, but I had to stop doing and let it out. Fortunately, she and my sister are our only house guests and they are very tolerant of my idiosyncratic emotions.

The holidays ARE stressful, especially when you are hosting.

Good for you for trying tea and breathing and yoga. But you're right, sometimes that's just not enough. Can you go for a walk? Can you excuse yourself for a nap or some quiet time in your room? Most people are aware these days of the stress associated with holidays (you know how suicide rates go up?), so there is a good chance the fam will understand if you take a step back, ask for some help, etc.

Its likely too late now, but there are some quick-acting anxiety meds that I would recommend trying in the future: xanax or ativan/lorazepam. They are perfect for your situation b/c, although they can be habit forming, if you use them for just a few days once a year (or a few times a year) you aren't likely to develop a tolerance. I would try to get a prescription a few weeks before the next event and experiment a little. Get to know how you react; do they put you to sleep? Can you still drive on them? Find out as much as you can how dosages effect you. Then you'll be ready to go when the rellies start yackin'.

There's also Kava and Velerian if you prefer the herbal route. Although Kava can be really tough on your liver and Valerian might make you sleepy.

If you have NO inklings toward addiction/alcoholism, I would try some alcohol for now. It can be a dangerous solution for some, but perfectly benign for others. Heck, I'd say that's your typical treatment for holiday family stress.

OF COURSE no one would choose to be that stressed out. Does DH believe you when you say that? If not, he needs some education. Surely he has felt irrationally distressed once or twice in his life. Surely he didn't choose to feel that way.

How are things now? When does everyone leave?

Let us know!

[minta]

Hi,

Thanks for your reply. I should have mentioned in my first post that ordinarily I'd be enjoying a nice big glass of wine on a daily basis until our guests leave, but I'm 5 mos. pregnant so it's all about going au naturale right now.

Anyway, PILs leave today and DH has told SIL she needs to go away for at least a few days so we can have some family time before he goes back to work. That helped me a bit, as did spending a night on the bathroom tiles sobbing my guts out. Bit pathetic, but I think I needed the release and am coping a bit better now!

Thanks again, ladies.

[laohaire]

You do have a difficult question.

Here are just some ideas, not sure if any will resonate with you.

- Leave for a while every day, with some excuse (grocery shopping, whatever). Then go to a place that you enjoy, whatever that is (library, mall, friend's house, whatever). I'm a homebody but when people are here, I need to get away from them.

- Organize activities for your guests outside the house, and perhaps stay home while they go, with the excuse of needing to cook or clean.. and if cleaning is what you need, then go for it! If your guests have a guest room, you can put all their clutter into that room.

- Keep a "safe place" in your bedroom, keep it shut so people don't ever wander in there. Keep it neat the way you want it, and drop by to read or whatever for a while. Remember, you do not need to be present and entertaining everyone all the time.

Maybe you can tell us a little more about exactly what stresses you. I'm coming from my own bias, which is that I want to get away from the guests, but that may well not be where you're coming from.

[Stackpole92]

Hello,

Thanks so much for your post. I could have pretty much written your OP. Both of our families live away, and with two young kids, we are the ones who end up hosting for the holidays. We have pretty much nothing in common with them anymore either. I spend the time walking on eggs shells in my own house. We had three weeks of family that just ended a few days ago. Whew! I wish I could say it went well. This year was by far the most memorable and unbearable. My MIL flew off about a million things, among them our parenting choices. My own mom, decided to leave and get a hotel and didn't even stay for Christmas dinner. . .we still are not talking. I'm really just ready to give up on our families and focus my energies else where. If this were other friendships that required so much effort, I would have dropped them long ago. Why is it that family has the right to do this to us?

Anyway. . .just my vent. . .sorry.

As another poster mentioned, I have in the past made sure I could get out a bit on my own. This often helps. Also, I make excuses to go to bed early (which I NEVER do usually). As for the messes, I rely on DH to help me. He seems to understand my compulsion for organization and cleanliness. It's so, so hard. I've been right where you are many times.

Thanks for sharing and just know we understand.

Take care and the best for a peaceful New Year.

-Melanie

[gratefulbambina]

Just came across this post and I can completely relate to you. I have OCD and ADHD so while I'm not a complete neat or clutter free person I still like my clutter and other things in their spots and don't like other peoples stuff coming into my home. I really start having panic attacks and start fighting with dh about 3 days before his family comes. Did I mention that when his dad comes that they bring 5 dogs with them?? HAHAHA The dogs are actually fine most of the time when they are here, but at least one of them pees every time and I'm always watching the dogs while everyone is doing their thing. They also bring tons of luggage, food, and soda for just a weekend trip that is placed all through out my house. For the most part I shut down, stay in a bad mood until they leave and sit at the computer "working" while they play with the kids. I have started making appts while they are here so I can get out. Its makes it hard to have a relationship with them because I'm always so cranky because I don't know how else to deal with my emotions.

I'm also pregnant due any time now and already dreading his mom coming down to visit for a week even though she will hopefully be a great help to me with the other two kids I have to deal with my issues of having someone in my space its very hard.