What do I do with THIS???

[MaShroom]

I wasn't sure where to post this... It's a bundle of issues, but maybe some other mamas or teens might have some input. And I'm sorry this got long, it's just a lot to deal with.

My 15 yo dd, Ivey, should have been an only child. She was for the first 7 years of her life. Her dad and I never married, he moved away when she was 6. Then I had Iris, who is now 8, and Sage, who is now 6. Ivey tolerates them, but lets them know, in no uncertain terms, that she would rather have me all to herself. I think it's crappy, I let her know when she crosses the line. She has always resented them and resented my ex-husband during our marriage also. She certainly didn't help what was a doomed relationship anyway.

Tonight she went to dinner with her dad, his wife, and his mom. She rarely sees her dad. She hates that the new wife has "stolen" what little time she does get with him. Since we pulled her out of public school to homeschool that has driven even more of a wedge between them. He is not a fan.

So at dinner, the new wife pulls out a baggie of pills. Someone asked what they are. Dad says they are prenatal vits, "just in case they decide they want to have a baby in the next couple of years." Ivey just about came apart. The only person who picked up on it was her grandma, who, once they were out of earshot of dad and new wife, tried to be as reassuring as she could. Now, to me, I interpret this as they are already trying to get pregnant. Do you think that is an incorrect assumption?

I just hate what this news did to dd. She cried and cried when she got home... It hurts me for her. I know it's selfish on her part to not want anymore kids in the family, but I do understand how she could be so very angry at her dad for wanting another child when he, for all practical purposes, abandoned her. She clearly has abandonment issues, but that's a whole other story. He's the type that figures if he's paying child support, his work is done. Ha. This is in a long string of crappy things he's done. Like when he promised for several years, to take her to Italy to meet his family, he took the new wife (I think that's when they got engaged) instead. He is one of the most insensitive people I've ever had the bad luck to meet.

How do I help her get through this??? Tonight really brought home that despite the fact that she is a very mature 15, she is still a hurt little kid when it comes to her dad. I'm at a loss as to what to do or what to say to her... And I want to punch her dad in the head.: That was not the time, place, or way to drop that bomb. Sigh. They don't cover this stuff in the handbook...

[hattelatte]

Poor Ivey. I assume that you do this already, but some really special alone time with you on a very regular basis would be a great thing.
Hold her tight

[BabyBugsMom]

[mamabeca]

Is it possible he's using prenatals as a cover up for pills she is taking for depression or other mental health - or even some other health issue, like anti-inflams/NSAIDS or something? It sounds like she could/would have said if she were trying to get pregnant, but ok - if that IS what is happening (I'd go about 50-50% on that though), then Ivey will have to learn how to adapt to that. Perhaps her time w/dad is more dedicated to trips togther (weekends are ok!) or specific events (shows, exhibits, ice skating etc.), which would really give them alone time together and exclude the new wife and possible new child? Since she lives with you, it seems like that might be something he'd be willing to work out?

I'd try to relax her by telling her that if the prenatals weren't in a bottle, I'd forget about it. Most people take a prenatal once in the AM and that's it. If she were at a restaurant dinner, it's way more likely that the woman is taking pills several times a day for something else.

Hugs to you all, and Happy christmas!!

[MaShroom]

Thanks for the replies, I've kind of gotten over the shock of it and Ivey is back to normal, being her usual stoic self.

I am going to make more of an effort to spend one on one time with her for sure. We do spend quite a lot of time together, she's a good egg. I'm one of those lucky people who likes spending time with their teenager. I think she does need the extra attention because of some history. She's had some pretty big losses in her life that make her fiercly clingy to me.

mamabeca, there was more to the conversation that I didn't post. Yeah, they're definitely prenatals and perhaps something to increase fertility maybe? She's almost 40. I don't know, but since her dad has been with this woman, he is a different person. For as long as I've known him, 19 years to be exact, he swore up and down that he never wanted to have more than one kid. Ivey was it, he was done. He justified moving 500 miles away by saying he was doing it to make sure that she will have a stable financial future. I think what she really needed was a father. Ugh, it's just a mess and again, I'm left to pick up the pieces. Thanks and I hope you have a happy Christmas too!

[Ruthla]

It's probably better for Ivey that she's got some inkling of their plans, rather than being completely shocked when a pg is announced later.

All you can really do is support her while she works through her feelings.

Is there anybody who can take on a "fatherly" role in her life? An uncle, grandfather, youth group leader, etc?

[mamaduck]

Gosh, I think Ivey would be a terrific canditate for counseling. I bet it would do her a world of good to have weekly sitdowns with a therapist.

[Blu Razzberri]

Originally Posted by mamaduck

Gosh, I think Ivey would be a terrific canditate for counseling. I bet it would do her a world of good to have weekly sitdowns with a therapist.

: I second that.

[zonapellucida]

Poor kid

[pranamama]

I don't know how you help a child who will not get what they need from the other parent. It is sad to watch. If she would go to counselling it would probably be helpful.

[MaShroom]

I completely agree that counseling is in order. Now if I could just get her to agree to it... We need to find a good counselor too. I thought I had one lined up, but, not so much.
We are the family that would make Dr. Phil's head explode.

[2mama]

hugs!

This is a very though situation. I have planned for this exact situation all along, and DD hates the idea of her bio dad starting over with his wife...

I hope that all our discussions will help so she doesn't fall apart when the day comes. Having her 2 younger sibs after being an only child for 7 years was hard enough even though she wanted them... I can't image how she would have felt if it had been a surprise.

[MaShroom]

Wow, you really are in a similar situation! I just looked at the ages of your kiddos. One of my ds's nicknames is Little Dude and my middle dd has always been known as The Peanut. Weird.
But back to the subject at hand. I'm glad you're able to prepare your dd for this type of situation. We have been blindsided by it since it was really never something we thought would ever come up... Never say never, right?

[TAC]

Your insurance agency should have a list of child/adolescent therapists. I thnk if you don't put her in therapy she will have trouble coping with men and relationships all her life. You don't want that for her. Most teens are very reluctant to agree to therapy.

[SusanElizabeth]

My daughters were both angry at all kinds of things at age 15. To a certain extent, I think it's the age. I have heard this from many parents. On Christmas day, my sister and her husband were saying that their son, at 15, gave them a list of the things he didn't like about them.*** (He's now in his 20s and doesn't seem to dislike them any more.) My kids have also passed through this stage and thankfully my younger daughter is now coming out of it.

You say that your daughter "should have been an only child" and I can't tell whether you feel that having two more girls was unfair to her in some way (?). I'm a little confused about this.

**I just re-read this and realized that it sounds like he gave them this list for Christmas! He didn't! They happened to be talking to me about it on Christmas day.

[MaShroom]

At the beginning of the year we will have more options for therapy. There is a pretty good place that will be accepting our insurance.

And I just meant that being an only would have suited her just fine. She never felt the desire to have siblings. She was cool with having the whole family focused around her, who wouldn't be?

[Bestbirths]

My first child always resented all of the other kids too and wished he was the only child. Hey, don't we all wish we had mom and dad all to ourselves?

Part of this just gets irritating for me after a while I just want them to grow up or get some maturity about this situation. If I have already given this child more than his share of attention, at some point it gets neglectful of the other children to just fawn all over this one who just in essence is being selfish and wanting all of the attention himself. They would take the whole pie to themselves without sharing. I began to ask myself, how is this fair?

I read this book one time called siblings without rivalry and they addressed the issue by sensitivity to make time and effort equally given to siblings making them all feel like they were getting their own piece of parent pie. Also each child should have his own special time where attention is focused on him/her. If it is her visitation time, or when in a conversation with her, talk about her, don't talk about the other siblings during her special time.

One thing that worked with ours was planning activities together as siblings that fostered teamwork, like when they played video games together, or when his sister did something for him like make him cookies. Things that make him see the positive aspects of having a sibling...those are the opprotunities we tried to create and wish we started doing consiously sooner. These kinds of things were purposeful and planned...