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Once is enough

2K views 42 replies 23 participants last post by  whateverdidiwants 
#1 ·
Hi!

I don't post much anywhere. I'm quite the lurker - don't know why but that is how it is...

Anyhow, I've been reading this forum a lot lately. I have decided to leave and I am finding this time terribly difficult. To make a long story short, the last time my husband lashed out at my son and hit him uncontrollably and I tried to separate them he turned against me and pushed me. That was the first and the last. I don't want to wait and see what else could happen. Of course, on the moment he was very angry since "I defied his authority over his son" and "my way (gentle discpline) doesn't work anyway" and he had to "defend himself against us" but now he is Soooooo lovey dovey and wonderful and regretful and will do anything to keep it from happening again. He even went to see an organization that helps men in this situation.

Strangely, this hasn't changed my decision. I can't explain it really, but I'm done and out of here!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now I have not told him this time. So so many times I said, no more or I'm leaving and then I didn't but this time I'm careful. I'll be going to a women's shelter because they can provide legal assistance, etc. I keep feeling unsure about that though because there is no real emergency or threat to warrant running to a shelter...but I know it's supposed to be the best thing to do legally and I don't have my own income to go anywhere else anyway.

Just wanted to share and tell someone. I'm going crazy here
:


I feel physically sick - my head hurts, I'm nauseous, my mind is upside down, I feel torn, but I'm sure this time. How can that be????

I want to leave this week but my daughter's birthday is next weekend. I can't decide if I should wait until after that. Such petty questions! But they keep my mind busy


I'm glad to read the posts here - I feel less alone!
 
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#2 ·
Hi sweetie, I am so glad you de-lurked to share this important crossroads with us and to get support!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by firstwomantomars View Post
I'll be going to a women's shelter because they can provide legal assistance, etc. I keep feeling unsure about that though because there is no real emergency or threat to warrant running to a shelter...
No threat to warrant it? May I refer you to:

Quote:

Originally Posted by firstwomantomars View Post
the last time my husband lashed out at my son and hit him uncontrollably and I tried to separate them he turned against me and pushed me. That was the first and the last. I don't want to wait and see what else could happen.

When you hook up with the domestic violence counselors they will give you a real reality check. This is domestic violence. And that is dangerous. And the most dangerous time is when a woman leaves. That is not to discourage you, but to say: plan and do it safely.

I know you have a lot of choice to make right now. I am so happy for you about that clarity that you have inside you. That will give you the strength to rise to the challenges that lie before you. You can do this. One day at a time, sister. Hang in there!
 
#3 ·
I'm glad you're leaving, and making a plan to do it in a safe way. Have you contacted the women's shelter/domestic violence coalition in your area? You may need to wait until there's space at the shelter, plus the organization can help you with other stuff even if you don't stay in the shelter. I went to a DV support group for a very long time, and I never needed to stay in a shelter.

In the long run, it probably makes little difference if you leave now or in 2 weeks- the important thing is to leave quietly so he can't hurt you and your kids on the way out. But how much will your DD enjoy her birthday if you're all living in fear of what Daddy might do? Also, is your DD the little one or the bigger one? A 3yo is less likely to care about a birthday party than an 8yo, and I'm sure she can have a pleasant birthday in the safety of the shelter.
 
#4 ·
Zeta and Ruthla - thanks for your quick response!

Of course, it all makes sense when the violence is pointed out so clearly! I've been reading so much about abuse and domestic violence in the last year. I met a wonderful therapist about a year ago when I was finally ready to start this journey inwards. And what I found was at the same time wonderful and terrible.

How could I have let this happen without noticing it???? There has been a lot of abuse since the beginning of our marriage and I somehow just thought everything was okay and "normal" since there was no hitting or swearing involved. I have even thought I was terrible for bcoming hysterical sometimes!!!Now I understand why...

Yes, I'm leaving in silence for safety and legal reasons...

It's my dd's birthday, she'll be 3 and probably won't care. But don't you think he'll feel like I'm robbing him purposely of this special time (our daughter's birthday)? I know he has no idea how serious this all is to me. He keeps saying he doesn't know what to do/what to say to make me feel better. But I keep wondering: doesn't all this make HIM feel bad/sad too??????

He is sooo cold and uncaring most of the time. Last night he told me he can't stand our son anymore.

I contacted the women's shelter about six months ago and didn't leave then and regretted it. I called them again last week. I only need to call them the day before I come in. They have told me of all their services for me and the kids. I have a friend who left a similar situation and went there and she will help me and drive us there.

I know what I want to do (leave) but I feel like I'm going crazy!!!!!!! My mind keeps getting stuck in the "what if I'm dramatizing" "what if he really wants to change" "what about all the things I now know I did to allow this". I can't breath, eat, sleep, relax.

I know there others who have gone through this. I know I can do it. But I wish there was another way
:
 
#5 ·
Wow, Char. I am so sorry things are difficult. I know exactly the sick feeling you describe.

Your posts are very articulate and well thought out, oozing strength and stability. You probably don't feel that way right now but it's there and it comes through load and clear to me. You will get through this.

I met with my husband's counsler a week or so before DD and I left him...I was basically telling her that I felt the situation was 'lose-lose' for DD and for me. The couselor said "no, I think there's a 'win' here for you." I decided to hang in and wait to find the Win.

Keep posting if it helps you, and definietly keep us updated if you can.
 
#6 ·
That is so completely normal. A big part of the damage from the abuse is the "not seeing it". It doesn't make you bad, or weak, or foolish for not seeing it sooner- it just makes you human. Abusers play these amazing mind games- denying they have a problem, making you wonder if you're just imagining things. It's so, so hard to break free of the trap and see things for what they really are, and then to actually act on it is even more terrifying!

I think the hardest part is admitting it- even when you know what's going on, a part of you wants to pretend it isn't happening- and by actually taking steps to leave, you can't deny it any more.

Don't worry about what he thinks or wants. Whenever you leave he'll find a way to twist things around and insist that it's all your fault or that you're denying him something he deserves. He can't or won't think beyond himself, and he's not your responsibility. You need to take care of yourself and your children.

In the long run it probably won't matter the exact date you leave, but in the short term you'll probably be happier if you leave sooner. If you stay another 2 weeks, you'll spend the whole time thinking about leaving and feeling on edge, scared to make a move yet impatient to do so. Once you're in the shelter the real healing can begin both for yourself and your children. Do you want to spend the next two weeks feeling nauseated, headachy, etc. from the stress of knowing what you're about to do?

IMO, the best time to leave is when your husband is at work and the kids don't have school. So if he's back at work tomorrow, call the shelter tomorrow and then leave on Thursday. Or if you can call discretely today and leave tomorrow. It will be the best birthday present you could possibly give to your daughter!
 
#7 ·
That's exactly how I feel Ruthla!!!

Yes, he works on Thursday and Friday, then another unbearably long 5 day weekend for him. That's why I want out this week. I am homeschooling my eldest. Don't know what will happen with that...but I will continue for the meanwhile.

I know it won't matter in a year or two what date I left, but it helps to focus on something smaller than the big picture. I'd rather wait but I don't feel liike I can. Everyday I doubt myself and then rethink about why I know I am leaving. And he is sooooo nice right now it's terrible. Of course, he will not talk about anything even slightly serious and is still very snarky with our son so that's helps me keep some perspective.

I'll call the shelter when he goes to work on Thursday and talk it over with someone there. Also, I need to get some stuff and papers together and check with my friend who will be helping me out and giving me a ride.

I feel soo weird doing all this!!!!!
 
#8 ·
Sounds like you're getting some good feedback here....

Quote:

Originally Posted by firstwomantomars View Post
I feel soo weird doing all this!!!!!

I relate to this so much. I still look at my current life and I'm like, uh, who's life is this??? It is SO not what I had planned, or what I have ever seen with any of my friends. Sometimes I feel like a freak. Or like I'm crazy, like if only I could see things differently, I would be able to have a life that seems more normal to me. Sometimes the ick of the abuse seems to stick to me, as if it tarnishes me in some way.

But when I look at it objectively, I realize I'm just a really awesome strong mama rising quite beautifully to a really unwelcome challenge. You are too!
 
#10 ·
Mama, you're in a hard place right now, but you're about to start building a beautiful, happy life for you and your kids.

I agree with Ruthla about "not seeing it", I am the same in my own life... I find reasons to justify or minimize things when a fly on the wall would find the way I'm treated horrendous.

I think you're doing the right thing, and please do keep talking your way through this on this forum!
 
#11 ·
Thanks mamas!

Your posts help a lot!

My husband has been saying horrendous things to our son. I'll probably leave Thursday if I can.

Don't know how to make sense of it all but it's one big mess and I want out of it!!!

I hope being away I will be able to think more clearly and deal with all this somehow.

Hopefully I can access the internet while I'm away?!?!??!
 
#12 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by firstwomantomars View Post
Thanks mamas!

Your posts help a lot!

My husband has been saying horrendous things to our son. I'll probably leave Thursday if I can.

Don't know how to make sense of it all but it's one big mess and I want out of it!!!

I hope being away I will be able to think more clearly and deal with all this somehow.

Hopefully I can access the internet while I'm away?!?!??!
Good luck with this big step!

You'll probably have shared computers at the shelter- so you'll get about an hour a day on the computer, or less, but you probably WILL have some degree of internet access.
 
#13 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ruthla View Post
Good luck with this big step!

You'll probably have shared computers at the shelter- so you'll get about an hour a day on the computer, or less, but you probably WILL have some degree of internet access.
I agree - I used to volunteer at a shelter and the women there were allowed one hour on the computer for job-searching or apartment-searching per day, as well as one hour for personal use.


And I second the good luck, mama!
 
#18 ·
I couldn't read without posting and giving you some support.


Way to go Mama! I know just how hard all of this is right now (I was doing the very same thing years ago) but trust me, you will get away from his abuse and feel like a weight has been lifted. A few years from now you will look back and know beyond doubt this was the best thing you could have ever done for yourself, and your children.

Stay strong and don't forget to take care of yourself too.
 
#24 ·
OMG I can't believe you've all still been writing me! Thanks so much!

I am out!

I left last thursday because things were getting bad and I wanted to go while he was at work and before another LONG 5 day weekend.

I am staying at a women's shelter. It's a beautiful huge house and so perfect for women with kids. we have access to internet but only for necessary stuff, legal, etc and it's in the main office so I don't think I would go on Mothering there. I'm at a friend's place for supper, our first time away from the shelter.

I feel so free! So weird too though...And so many decisions need to be made while I still feel so confused.

When I left, on Thursday, I only left a note saying we were somewhere safe and I would contact him later (for safety purposes so he can't say I kidnapped the kids). I don't want to call him though because he'll just confuse me more :-(

I just checked my email for the first time since. He has sent me an email saying ''where are my children. I want to see my daughter for her birthday (tomorrow).'' That's all!

Not ''I'm so sorry.'' or anything else. Like I'm the bad guy. I have to say in spite of it all, I am still disappointed of course.

I'll keep in touch here when I can.

I can't believe you were all still writing me!!! I thought my thread was way far down away from the first page by now!!!

I thought of you all so much too, the strength it takes to leave and become a single mom.

But thanks to all of you, I know I can do it to!!!!!
 
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