Please help....I think my ds's are in trouble... - Page 2

[BellaLuna Rayne]

Originally Posted by Laggie

I think you are doing your son a disservice by making it his choice and responsibility to do something about his father assaulting him. He needs you, as his mother, to protect him now. He needs to be told that it is not his fault and not his responsibility if his dad gets in trouble, as his dad is an adult who knows better.

ITA with this. YOU need to make the call, not your DS. That is pretty much putting him in the middle and its not fair to him. It is your responsibility to call and quiet frankly I don't know why his therapist is asking permission. She is a mandatory reporter, she isn't supposed to wait. Same goes for your father.

The situation is very serious and needs to be dealt with accordingly.

[mothertoall]

I amnot asking my ds to call.....i am telling him that I want him to understand what the possiblities are.....I have already talked to his therapist...the reporting is in the works.
I have told him its not his fault....I have told him his dad needs help....I promised him we will work this out and to try not to be afraid , I'm right here no matter what....why would you think I am putting him in the middle of this?

[Rev1053]

I think they thought that becuase you said "I'm trying to get my ds to call her....but he;s in a real funk rightnow...."

Poor kid. Its hard to do this to a parent.
Help him.

[mothertoall]

i'm not asking him to call on his father.....i'm asking him to call his therapist!
I would never ask my son to report his father!
goodness......
never mind....I thought I could ask for advice....I didn't realize I would be putting myself on the chopblock.....I would never ever ask my son to report his father.
I called his therapist and asked her what she suggested...she said she would report....I just wanted my son to know talking directly with her and having her hear it from him directly would be good.

[Rev1053]

Originally Posted by mothertoall

i'm not asking him to call on his father.....i'm asking him to call his therapist!
I would never ask my son to report his father!
goodness......
never mind....I thought I could ask for advice....I didn't realize I would be putting myself on the chopblock.....I would never ever ask my son to report his father.
I called his therapist and asked her what she suggested...she said she would report....I just wanted my son to know talking directly with her and having her hear it from him directly would be good.

I am sorry! I didnt think you were being flamed. I took it as people giving advice.
I hope your son gets the help he needs. And it sounds like he is.
I hope your EX stops with the visitation and he gets the help he needs, as it sounds like he needs a lot.

to your and your sons.

[mothertoall]

thing is ....this is the type of behavior i endured for 7 years....and the courts never documented it in the divorce because there was no proof....no doctor statements...no therapist....nothing.
so here i stand....knowing eventually this day would come.....praying to god that maybe it wouldn't.....but here i am.

[Rev1053]

Originally Posted by mothertoall

thing is ....this is the type of behavior i endured for 7 years....and the courts never documented it in the divorce because there was no proof....no doctor statements...no therapist....nothing.
so here i stand....knowing eventually this day would come.....praying to god that maybe it wouldn't.....but here i am.

I would start documenting things. Take pictures. It sounds like your already talking to the therapist. It sounds like to me you already have enough information to make the visits stop. IMO. But I am not a professional.
Good luck momma.

[mothertoall]

i AM documenting things.
I did take a picture.
The therapist called and reported.
now , I have to find a way to get them from having to go there tomorrow.....I am thinking if i just say they don't want to come.....that they're afraid....
my ds begsme never to say anything to his dad , fearing that he'll do what he always does...yells at him for telling me stuff.
I just want to take my ds's in my arms and never have to allow them to live through this kind of torture....and it is torture.

[BellaLuna Rayne]

Originally Posted by mothertoall

I amnot asking my ds to call.....i am telling him that I want him to understand what the possiblities are.....I have already talked to his therapist...the reporting is in the works.
I have told him its not his fault....I have told him his dad needs help....I promised him we will work this out and to try not to be afraid , I'm right here no matter what....why would you think I am putting him in the middle of this?

Originally Posted by Rev1053

I think they thought that becuase you said "I'm trying to get my ds to call her....but he;s in a real funk rightnow...."

Poor kid. Its hard to do this to a parent.
Help him.

The way you worded things made it sound like you were getting your DS to call his therapist to have him get her to report it. I am sorry for misunderstanding your post.

[chaoticzenmom]

Reading your posts, I think that maybe you should call cps. Tell them about the drinking and driving, the abuse that you endured and the abuse that your sons are getting from ex. Ask what they can do. Also involve the therapists and the police. I'm wondering if your son can bring assualt charges against his father, but somehow I doubt it. I think that cps would be your best bet..that and your therapist.

I feel bad for your situation
Lisa

[mothertoall]

cps came out this evening.
the lady took my information , gave me phone numbers and said that she would be in contact w/ my ex.
she said she would come back next week, my ds was not home.
all in all...i'm terrified. ds has to go to his birthday lunch with ex tomorrow...and i'm scared....very scared.....for him.....its his birthday for god sakes....and I just want it to be good...but I don't think it will.
I'm scared mamas...really really scared.

she promised she would not tell ex who called...but he'll assume it was me..which it wasnot...but it won't matter.
I told her everything I could think of.
My baby will be 13 tomorrow...and this is just so unfair for him.....damn mamas....why do some men have to be this way???
he told me earlier today, he never wants to be anything like his dad...

[Flor]

When I was a day care provider, I could not stop the kids from leaving with the parent who I thought was on drugs/ or drunk, but as soon as they drive away I was supposed to call the police and report a drunk driver. We share visitation with an alcoholic. It is soooo hard to document. You just hope for a screw up that doesn't involve the kids.

[mothertoall]

it disgusts me that is the best we can do for kids...hope that something bad doesn't happen to them.....before anyone will do anything.
just really sad.

[Flor]

We also have a line in our custody agreement that says "Mother shall not consume alcohol or illegal drugs 8 hours prior to or during visitation." The problem we were having was that it's not illegal to be drunk in front of your children, but now she'd be breaking a court order if she drinks while dss is there.

[mothertoall]

oh , we sooooooo need that!~
dang.....that is totally necessary.
How do i go about doing that~?
I am also going to resort to dropping off and picking them up.
that way at least I know if i do that....I know where they're going and where they'll be.....I need to figure out what I'm going to do now, that the ball is rolling...do I have to bring my a lawyer into this?? we only just got over a 3,000 in lawyers for the last round only 2 mos ago.
I am in no position to afford a lawyer at this point.

[mothertoall]

but it IS illegal to drink , come pick up the kids and drive while under the influence....he shows up after drinking....can I stop him from taking the boys?
I'm tired of this 12 years i have been dealing with his stupid a$$ , i'm tired....we shouldn't have to live this way, no one should
its terrible no one can protect these kids better.....I suppose I go into debt over this , then so be it....my ds's lives are far more important to me than any amount of money.

[Flor]

I don't know that you can stop him until he gets in the car and drives off. It's not illegal to be on your doorstep drunk. That was the problem I had as a child care provider, I could only call the police after the parent drove away, otherwise they could say they were planning on walking or something silly. I think you'd have to ask a lawyer or a police officer about that. Maybe it is ok to call the police and say your ex is drunk and came to pick up the kids. We used to hand over dss at the police station. Maybe he wouldn't show up drunk if he know it would be at the police station?

We got the line about no alcohol/drugs in mediation. She agreed to it because if she didn't, we were prepared to go to court where dss would tell the truth that his mom was drinking to the point of passing out (though her sober boyfriend was there) while he was in her care.

I totally feel for you. Dh's ex is like Brittany Spears these days-- she's a party girl who seems to never get in real legal trouble for all the stupid things she does. Charges get dismissed. We need an arrest record, CPS charges that stick, or for her to do something stupid at dss's school, otherwise it is our stories agaisnt hers.

[Flor]

Originally Posted by mothertoall

I suppose I go into debt over this , then so be it....my ds's lives are far more important to me than any amount of money.

That's true. We were able to borrow money from stepFIL for a good lawyer. Best debt we ever had.

[mothertoall]

scary stuff for these kids.....no wonder so many turn out so danged messed up....my ds is in therapy and is only 2 mos in...but it turns out it really is making him think and what he's come up with is dad is so very wrong in somany ways.....I just wish his dad was someone he could look up to.
c

[myra_mcgray]

Originally Posted by mothertoall

but it IS illegal to drink , come pick up the kids and drive while under the influence....he shows up after drinking....can I stop him from taking the boys?
I'm tired of this 12 years i have been dealing with his stupid a$$ , i'm tired....we shouldn't have to live this way, no one should
its terrible no one can protect these kids better.....I suppose I go into debt over this , then so be it....my ds's lives are far more important to me than any amount of money.

If your son's father shows up at your house drunk, I would call the not let them go with him. I would call the police. I would tell him you believe he is intoxicated and that if he wants to take your kids in the car he will have to prove to the police he is not intoxicated. He can then file contempt charges against you saying you are interferring with his visitation but you will have a police report stating that he is intoxicated and wanting to drive with the children in the car. Then the action filing for contempt is on him. If he does not file then you do not have to go back to court. I would ALWAYS have a witness with you at your home when he comes to pick the kids up.