Learning to bite my tongue...

[mommysusie]

I have a friend that just had a baby boy. I spent months and months talking to her about not circing. She already has 3 other boys and just thought she'd go ahead do it again because "it was cleaner". I tried and pleaded with her but she went ahead and did it anyway. She tried to say it didn't hurt him and her husband was there to "watch the whole thing".
I am just so disgusted by the whole thing. I can't even talk to her right now because I'm scared of what I might say.
How do the rest of you deal with your ignorant friends?

[patronia]

I usually just bite my tongue, because I don't really think there's any point in trying to convince someone who already has their mind made up. In the long run it's them who'll have to deal with any problems/guilt.

However the other day I did convince my best friend/cousin that childbirth isn't SO painful that she HAS to have a c-section

[mommysusie]

Originally Posted by patronia

However the other day I did convince my best friend/cousin that childbirth isn't SO painful that she HAS to have a c-section

Good for you!!!

[LianneM]

I'm so sorry mama Good for you for trying.

For me, it depends on the situation, friendship, etc. I have a really hard time respecting someone who does something like that when they have been given info against it. I might be able to remain cordial, and I might just have to avoid them altogether. It just depends.

I have a friend I posted about here who went ahead with circ for her DS1 and ended up regretting it. When they found out DS2 was on the way we talked more and they agreed not to do it. So I'm so glad I kept that line of communication open, you know, and didn't just end the friendship. There have been other friendships that couldn't survive it though. I can't really remain good friends with someone after losing all respect for them.

[LavenderMae]

I think we (general) need to bite our tongues less when it comes to circumcision.

[mommysusie]

Oh yeah, and I had someone else tell me this week that it is a personal choice (circing) and it was none of my business whether or not they did it.

[rootzdawta]

I just went through the same thing. My friend circ'ed her baby boy despite having all the info and since they botched the procedure, went in to get it done again. When she initially circ'ed I said nothing but when she went in to have it re-done, I did. Granted, we were closer friends by the time she went to have it re-done but she still took lots of offense and got angry and tried to turn the issue around about my decision not to vax/homeschool etc . . . classic defensiveness.

I decided to be mature about the situation. Apart from this issue, she's a great mother. I just know a little better what to expect from her in terms of the actions she will/will not take. It made me look and think about her differently because I cannot understand how someone could do something like circumcising, a clearly cosmetic procedure, given all the information and still defend their decision. It would be better if people would just accept that it's a terrible thing to do *but* to them, the vanity of a circ'ed penis overrides the terribleness of the whole thing (because in my friend's case, it was all about vanity--not even trying to match the baby's father or anything like that). It reinforces my idea that people (including friends) often don't like to think. But then again, it's my issue for expecting them too. I firmly believe that you should not have expectations of others except for yourself. Period. Saves a lot of grief and heartache.

[eepster]

Originally Posted by patronia

However the other day I did convince my best friend/cousin that childbirth isn't SO painful that she HAS to have a c-section

I'll freely admit that childbirth was painful, but what in the world would lead someone to believe that a c-sectoin wasn't extremely painful. I had my gallbladder out a while back and it was much more painful than having DS. And that was done laproscopicly!

Back on topic:

I would just look at very disappointedly.

[thixle]

Originally Posted by Sheacoby

I think we (general) need to bite our tongues less when it comes to circumcision.

: And when it gets to a certain point, I will choose to drop friends over this. I just can't look at them the same way.

[Roxswood]

I would have to say "I'm sorry, but I believe its abusive and cruel and I can not think of you as a person I want to be in my life after this".

I just could not ever be friends with someone who would do this after the information had been put there for them. Luckily I'm not American so I don't face this issue in my life often.

[steph117]

Being a recent arrival to intactivism, I'm just starting to deal with this now.

DH & I had our first experience with it last week - when friends to whom we'd given anti-circ info (though evidently, not the right info to change their minds) told us they'd circ'ed their son. And get this - he's a preemie. Even though he arrived 6.5 weeks early after some PG complications, the drs cleared him for the procedure after he'd had a few days in the NICU. And his parents went ahead and did it, while he was still in the NICU. We can't even bring ourselves to ask why - it'd be a horrifying decision to us no matter what, but especially on such a tiny, fragile, new little person.

I'm glad we're not closer with them - because we're feeling so, so horrified; I don't even want to talk to them right now. I'm just wondering how it will impact this little guy's healing, breastfeeding, everything - hopefully they'll be lucky & he won't have any major complications...but WOW, it felt horrible to find out they'd done it. We just felt so so sad for the little guy.

I'm working on some other people right now...really, really, really hoping the info will take. It's so hard for me to understand why people would do this, especially if they have information that explains that they don't have to! And it can feel really hard to accept that people think differently, when I feel so strongly about this.

[mamabadger]

Originally Posted by steph117

And get this - he's a preemie. Even though he arrived 6.5 weeks early after some PG complications, the drs cleared him for the procedure after he'd had a few days in the NICU. And his parents went ahead and did it, while he was still in the NICU. We can't even bring ourselves to ask why - it'd be a horrifying decision to us no matter what, but especially on such a tiny, fragile, new little person.

I was doula for a woman whose DS was in the NICU for about two weeks. Her DH (now divorced) was pushing for a circ before the birth. The first thing he asked the NICU nurse was how soon they could schedule a circ! I was wondering how much I could get away with saying, when the nurse spoke up. She told him his son was working on stuff like staying alive and breathing on his own right now, and maybe he should get that out of the way before he undergoes any cosmetic surgery. The little boy did not end up getting cut, by the way.

[steph117]

Originally Posted by mamabadger

I was doula for a woman whose DS was in the NICU for about two weeks. Her DH (now divorced) was pushing for a circ before the birth. The first thing he asked the NICU nurse was how soon they could schedule a circ! I was wondering how much I could get away with saying, when the nurse spoke up. She told him his son was working on stuff like staying alive and breathing on his own right now, and maybe he should get that out of the way before he undergoes any cosmetic surgery. The little boy did not end up getting cut, by the way.

Oh, if only they'd had drs & nurses like that. I said to my husband, "How could the drs clear such a little baby for circ'ing? Aren't they supposed to be his advocates? Shouldn't they be pushing the parents to just let him heal from the premature birth? Instead of forcing him to undergo a needless surgery?" (sigh)

Glad to hear that your clients changed their minds, anyway!