I have NO idea where to post this, and needed to start somewhere:
my dad and third wife have been off and on for past two years. They both drink, have been through bad divorces, take multiple perscriptions and are generally uneasy people to be around!
Having said all that:
I am pretty close to my dad, as close as anyone can be. I work for him, so that is a big part of it- we have that in common. I know how impossible he is and feel for her there - I know their marriage can not have been easy owning in large part to his anger and distance.
since their marriage has gone sour she has started accusing him of physical abuse. I don't believe this for a moment - both my mom and first stepmom (who was married to him while I was growing up) say that is rediculous. And while I know he spanked my older siblings - he never did with the four youngest including me. His way was (is) cold and withdrawn when angry.
However - when she first started saying this, she would call me and tell me she was scared and wanted me to talk to him in hopes he would change -this was about 3 years ago now. I dealt with about 3 of those calls, first I did what she asked and talked to my dad - he said no way he ever touched her. Then I told her what he said and told her while I could not imagine my dad being physical - that I could not ignore a woman claiming this - told her to call the police or go to a woman's shelter. When she refused twice and kept saying she just thought he would change if I talked to him, I told her she could not put me in this position anymore, to stop calling me.
She did talk to my mom and sil once or twice, they gave her the same advice - though none of us think my dad would do this - none are willing to ignore her.
Three years later:
None of us have any relationship with her, my dad has tried to leave three times. She got a temp restraining order against him once by claiming to police (yes she finally called) that he hit her - she did go to womens shelter and got help from them to go to court and try to get permanent order. She filed for divorce. Then when they went to court she admitted to the judge she did it to try and get some kind of court order for him to pay her money. I mean literally when the judge brought up her accusations of abuse she blurted out, "I would do anything for money!" The judge threw out the order, saying he felt this was all about money and did not believe there was any abuse.
After that my dad did move back home for a bit - he was living in his office and was barely making it. They are in way over their heads with a house they built that they owe more on than it's worth, his business has taken quite a hit from the upheaval in his life, he is a total wreck and had a small heart attack from all the stress last year. So while he wants to leave her he can't afford to keep up payments on the house while living elsewhere.
While he was back to living at home, he took to carrying a recording device everywhere with him. Whenever she comes near or starts talking he turns it on - and boy what he has recorded! Her threatening to kill him, herself, paranoid talk, also her physically pushing him around, tearing apart his bedroom and home office. So he has gone to the police - ask them to listen to the tape (he was looking for some kind of help for her) they tell him to move out. It is becoming like a bad Life time movie, basically they can't do anything until she does something to him. I think she is actually trying to goad him into becoming violent.
She does not work, has not their whole marriage, she 60 years old and scared. She says she wants the money she brought into the marriage. My dad has offered her whatever she wants if she will leave - go back to where her son lives down south. She refuses.
So here we are: My dad has moved out again, BUT basically he feels like he is throwing his life (financially and business wise) and hers away(literally). She has no way to take care of herself - he thinks she is mentally unstable and needs serious help. She doesn't keep food in the house, clean or take care of herself. when he lived there he did all her shopping for her and paid bills, and cleanup what he could. But to save himself - he has to stay away, this is what the cops have told him. They also said if she came to office to call them and they would be right down - she has harassed him there.
Her son won't return his calls, she has no friends, parents are dead - only child, the police can't help, her doctors recommended serious intervention years ago, he even went to the woman's shelter today to ask them to help. They said there is nothing they could do. Yesterday he had me call her to see if she had groceries. She said she did not want to talk to me and hung up. He was trying to avoid communicating with her - had left a message with her to use email when she need anything - money or food - so he could keep his distance.
She called him in a panic today saying she needed drinking water, he went over with it - said all her jewelry and clothes were in the trash out front and the house smells like urine. He's freaked out, doesn't know what will happen to her. He's afraid she could just die and no one would know. I've never seen my dad cry till this. They were high school sweethearts, and though the marriage has been over for awhile - he still cares what happens to her.
So - what I need is advice - how can we get her help without being her support. Anyone know who we can go to? I'll admit I have not really done research. I'm pregnant, tired and though I feel worried about her as a fellow human being - I've never been close to her, never liked her but did try to have a relationship with her early on. But this is just wrong.
Thanks for reading, please help.
my dad and third wife have been off and on for past two years. They both drink, have been through bad divorces, take multiple perscriptions and are generally uneasy people to be around!
Having said all that:
I am pretty close to my dad, as close as anyone can be. I work for him, so that is a big part of it- we have that in common. I know how impossible he is and feel for her there - I know their marriage can not have been easy owning in large part to his anger and distance.
since their marriage has gone sour she has started accusing him of physical abuse. I don't believe this for a moment - both my mom and first stepmom (who was married to him while I was growing up) say that is rediculous. And while I know he spanked my older siblings - he never did with the four youngest including me. His way was (is) cold and withdrawn when angry.
However - when she first started saying this, she would call me and tell me she was scared and wanted me to talk to him in hopes he would change -this was about 3 years ago now. I dealt with about 3 of those calls, first I did what she asked and talked to my dad - he said no way he ever touched her. Then I told her what he said and told her while I could not imagine my dad being physical - that I could not ignore a woman claiming this - told her to call the police or go to a woman's shelter. When she refused twice and kept saying she just thought he would change if I talked to him, I told her she could not put me in this position anymore, to stop calling me.
She did talk to my mom and sil once or twice, they gave her the same advice - though none of us think my dad would do this - none are willing to ignore her.
Three years later:
None of us have any relationship with her, my dad has tried to leave three times. She got a temp restraining order against him once by claiming to police (yes she finally called) that he hit her - she did go to womens shelter and got help from them to go to court and try to get permanent order. She filed for divorce. Then when they went to court she admitted to the judge she did it to try and get some kind of court order for him to pay her money. I mean literally when the judge brought up her accusations of abuse she blurted out, "I would do anything for money!" The judge threw out the order, saying he felt this was all about money and did not believe there was any abuse.
After that my dad did move back home for a bit - he was living in his office and was barely making it. They are in way over their heads with a house they built that they owe more on than it's worth, his business has taken quite a hit from the upheaval in his life, he is a total wreck and had a small heart attack from all the stress last year. So while he wants to leave her he can't afford to keep up payments on the house while living elsewhere.
While he was back to living at home, he took to carrying a recording device everywhere with him. Whenever she comes near or starts talking he turns it on - and boy what he has recorded! Her threatening to kill him, herself, paranoid talk, also her physically pushing him around, tearing apart his bedroom and home office. So he has gone to the police - ask them to listen to the tape (he was looking for some kind of help for her) they tell him to move out. It is becoming like a bad Life time movie, basically they can't do anything until she does something to him. I think she is actually trying to goad him into becoming violent.
She does not work, has not their whole marriage, she 60 years old and scared. She says she wants the money she brought into the marriage. My dad has offered her whatever she wants if she will leave - go back to where her son lives down south. She refuses.
So here we are: My dad has moved out again, BUT basically he feels like he is throwing his life (financially and business wise) and hers away(literally). She has no way to take care of herself - he thinks she is mentally unstable and needs serious help. She doesn't keep food in the house, clean or take care of herself. when he lived there he did all her shopping for her and paid bills, and cleanup what he could. But to save himself - he has to stay away, this is what the cops have told him. They also said if she came to office to call them and they would be right down - she has harassed him there.
Her son won't return his calls, she has no friends, parents are dead - only child, the police can't help, her doctors recommended serious intervention years ago, he even went to the woman's shelter today to ask them to help. They said there is nothing they could do. Yesterday he had me call her to see if she had groceries. She said she did not want to talk to me and hung up. He was trying to avoid communicating with her - had left a message with her to use email when she need anything - money or food - so he could keep his distance.
She called him in a panic today saying she needed drinking water, he went over with it - said all her jewelry and clothes were in the trash out front and the house smells like urine. He's freaked out, doesn't know what will happen to her. He's afraid she could just die and no one would know. I've never seen my dad cry till this. They were high school sweethearts, and though the marriage has been over for awhile - he still cares what happens to her.
So - what I need is advice - how can we get her help without being her support. Anyone know who we can go to? I'll admit I have not really done research. I'm pregnant, tired and though I feel worried about her as a fellow human being - I've never been close to her, never liked her but did try to have a relationship with her early on. But this is just wrong.
Thanks for reading, please help.
Mental health, geriatric services, her family doctor, a crisis hotline - all places you can try calling and someone will be able to get you on the right track for your area.
