Just an update: We're meeting our back-up doula today. Our primary doula is Doula Extraordinaire - feels kind of silly to even have her as she organizes and trains doulas, attends conferences all over the world, has visited Ina May Gaskin at the Farm, has had Penny Simkin to do talks for her, etc. I made inquiries at DONA to find a survivor's doula (post traumatic first birth) and went through their list....she was the first one who was available and willing to take me. I feel like it's a bit overkill to have her, but OTOH I am so grateful for her skills and really believe she can help me with the MENTAL SPACE of birth....which is what I want. I don't need help so much with positions or body movement, I think, but if I have an anxiety or panic attack during birth, or feel traumatized or overwhelmed, I believe she will help me. We talked about ways she could help me by checking in and guiding me in visualization, focusing on the present, being in a safe place, etc. Our primary doula lives in another city near us but depending on the time of day, can either be at our birth in an hour or way longer.
The back-up has some experience but not a ton, she has come highly recommended by our primary. I hope we hit it off and I hope to feel a sense of confidence in her ability to support me in the way I need. Of course we'll be going through all of that today when she comes.
And now, I will say something else that has been on my mind. My mother is also going to attend the birth (holy cow, I'm going to have a damned cavalcade in there!). I can't think of a way to ask her NOT to attend without offending her greatly. I don't mind her being there, and did find her comforting at times last time, but OTOH she's not really totally comfortable with NCB without pain meds, and just thinks I should get the epi this time from the start, to heck with going through all that pain. I have mixed feelings about her being there. I know she only wants what is best for me and was very upset to see how traumatized I was after the last birth. She also paid for it because I needed her support so badly after the last birth and it was a lot of work for her and strain. It was appreciated, I know she did it with love, but it was hard for all of us.
I was thinking to have a brief chat with her about the way she could support me - by backing off if I need it. Or talk to her about how she can deal with her own feelings during the birth if she is upset at seeing me suffering. Perhaps I can also ask the doula to support her if it is needed.
: Brainstorming here.
Thanks for listening and for just letting me get this stuff out!
Actually, this is what I would tell her: (obviously I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship with her so this might not be appropriate) "I'm happy to have you at my birth. My primary support people are DH and my doula." And leave it at that...
