I was not using any fertility drugs. The fact that it took me three months to get pregnant was crazy to me. I am usually a fertile mertle (usually!!)...and I thought something was wrong. I guess I got pregnant one for every month I tried.
I was up all night last night thinking about the babies. I hope that the two stay put and continue to grow. I am sad about my third baby, because although I know that I wasn't my fault anyhow, I feel like I willed him away with how sick I have been. I asked the baby to leave. And I think he listened. (I didn't know he was the third)It is so bittersweet. I have never asked a baby to leave. I have said I want to die, I can't do this, kill me now, take me to the hospital, never again...stuff like that, but never ever ever ever asked a baby to leave. It makes sense now that it was a third baby, not an only. I still wish I could know him. I didn't think I would be sad, but I really am.
On the one hand, I have a 3,5 and 7 year old. I homeschool, I doula, I am apprenticing to be a midwife (something that will be put on hold a lot longer then I had thought, which is sad) and I am struggling with this sickness. The thought of having THREE newborns, probably preterm babies would honestly be too much for most people to handle, and I am really okay with and still overwhelmed with the thought of two. But with two, at least I can breastfeed and babywear and cloth diaper and all of that stuff. We won't have to get a different car, things like that. We won't have to move. Our house is small, and we will have to shove a king size bed somewhere, because I think 2 babies and 3 kids and 2 adults need something bigger then a queen. Anyway, I am joyous and scared and everything you can and can't imagine.
I hope for a healthy pregnancy and two full term homebirthed babies.