or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Gentle Discipline › When an adult punishes their child at your house
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

When an adult punishes their child at your house - Page 3

post #41 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by senmom View Post
It is their child, they have the right to punish thm as they see fit, where ever they happen to be. It is up to you whether to invite them back or not.
Wrong! I can AND WILL stop abuse in my own home.
post #42 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamaduck View Post
I think that if you are going to speak with her (or him -- you never specified) that it might be best to stick with how you feel, rather than try to preach or persuade of other tactics. "I feel awful when children are disciplined physically. I feel shaken and upset thinking about a child having to tolerate soap in their mouth. I felt upset, not knowing what to do or say in the situation -- seeing that happen in my home."
I agree with this. I'd als preface it by stating how much I enjoy having her child in my home, how I appreciate and value her friendship, etc. and would like to continue it.
post #43 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by chicagomom View Post
I like this person; they are in many ways a wonderful parent and I know they love children dearly. But I also believe my ground rules are worthy of respect, and never want a child to feel afraid or anxious to come over to our house.
I think you said it quite nicely here!
post #44 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by senmom View Post
It is their child, they have the right to punish thm as they see fit, where ever they happen to be. It is up to you whether to invite them back or not.
This flings the door wide open to condoning child abuse. What some people see as fit (an extreme case: beating one's child) is not only awful and deeply immoral, but also illegal. If we just stay silent to save face, we may as well be abusing the child ourselves. I draw a hard line, I know, but I grew up in an abusive home and it stayed that way because of the silence of others.
post #45 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kimiko View Post
This flings the door wide open to condoning child abuse. What some people see as fit (an extreme case: beating one's child) is not only awful and deeply immoral, but also illegal. If we just stay silent to save face, we may as well be abusing the child ourselves. I draw a hard line, I know, but I grew up in an abusive home and it stayed that way because of the silence of others.



post #46 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by senmom View Post
As I said before, it is their child, their right. Do not invite them back into your home.
That's ridiculous. I'd rather they have the option to decide if they would like to return or not.

If I did something to my children that bothered a friend, I'd much rather be aware of it and make my own decision about whether to avoid that action around them or end the friendship.
post #47 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamaduck View Post
I think that if you are going to speak with her (or him -- you never specified) that it might be best to stick with how you feel, rather than try to preach or persuade of other tactics. "I feel awful when children are disciplined physically. I feel shaken and upset thinking about a child having to tolerate soap in their mouth. I felt upset, not knowing what to do or say in the situation -- seeing that happen in my home."


You know what? I think I am going to take a similar approach when we have to have a discussion with our doctor about not touching DS' foreskin in a few days.
post #48 of 86
When I saw the subject line I was thinking, you let parents decide how to parent. That would not be acceptable to me though. Don't abuse your child in my house. I would definitely say something.
post #49 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by senmom View Post
It is their child, they have the right to punish thm as they see fit, where ever they happen to be. It is up to you whether to invite them back or not.
Wouldn't you rather be asked to refrain from hitting in someone's house and have the opportunity to choose not to come back, or would you just rather not hear from the person again and wonder why they didn't invite you back?
post #50 of 86
curious to know if your child(ren?) play at this parents home, and if so how often they might be seeing something like this.
post #51 of 86
I'm glad for this thread because we have an issue like that - a friend's husband was not around much for a while but now that he is whenever we get together my dh and I simply cringe at the discipline he uses - no soap, but the language, behavior, threats, and occasional spanking.... We didn't know about it because the mom is not like that.

To your question... with all these other posters clearly agreeing on the soap being bad it strikes me (and I'm echoing a post earlier on) that really this friend of yours just doesn't know a better way of discipline. If she is someone you value as a friend, then respect that she is trying to do her best and try to help her do better. Maybe some time when disipline is not an immediate issue you can bring up a gentle discipline book you read and talk about the advice it gave and how psychology really supports that approach, etc. Maybe mention how you have thought about issues with your own children and what approaches you have been finding helpful. That way perhaps she and you can have an open conversation without her being on the defensive, and you can, in the course of the conversation, make it clear how you feel about physical discipline. If there is an AP group in your area maybe you can go to a meeting with her.

I say this all assuming you wish to continue the friendship, and being in a similar position myself, sometimes I question it for our situation.
post #52 of 86
Soap is for doing dishes, not disciplining children.

Putting it in someone's mouth is disgusting.

And it can't possibly be healthy to ingest dish soap.
post #53 of 86
I would say something, but however kindly you try to say it, I'd fully expect to lose the friendship.

Honestly, though, I'd not lose any sleep over that. I would not have my children exposed to this sort of 'discipline', and even if you can stop it happening in your home, surely over time things like this will happen outside of your house?

When a friend told me she'd washed out her ds's mouth with soap a few years ago I was so stunned that I told her that I'd never heard of anyone doing that in real life (which I hadn't, as I'm not from the USA) and that I was absolutely shocked and appalled. I don't know if she's ever done it since, but it certainly pulled her up short. She comes from a community where everyone does things like this to their kids, and I was probably the first person in her life to express anything negative about her discipline techniques. Maybe this mother has never heard anyone question this practice. I do think that you'll lose the friendship, but maybe she will stop to think about doing it again once you've talked to her about it.

Anyway, I'd speak to her, but with the full anticipation of it ending the relationship, and be comfortable with that as a consequence if it turns out that way.
post #54 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by moonfirefaery View Post
Soap is for doing dishes, not disciplining children.

Putting it in someone's mouth is disgusting.
Couldn't have said it better myself

I agree with Britishmum, though. No matter how "gently" you word the criticism, the woman is going to be offended. Not that I'd particularly want the approval of such a person in the first place though
post #55 of 86
Knowingly allowing such abuse to take place in my house makes me an accessory (not that you are one, OP, since you found out later) and I will not allow such abuse to happen, whether it's spanking, mouth washing or otherwise. Violence is not tolerated at my house, and the OP shouldn't have to tolerate it in her house either. Children will be exposed to that kind of violence in public from other people, they should be free from that in their own home.
post #56 of 86
I agree that you have to be prepared for her to be really angry. But I think going on the record against what she's doing to her child (with YOUR soap!) is worth the risk. I couldn't be friends with someone who could do such a thing and not even be willing to consider that it might be wrong when confronted with my opinion about it. So maybe she's just never thought about it (people do NOT think) and it will change her mind to hear from you.
post #57 of 86
Ok, I guess I'm in the vast minority here. The concept of "I pay the rent therefore other adults can and cannot _______" is not very kind in our family's version of GD. I guess this is an American concept, and also perhaps class (?)

I would probably remove my child the same as when they see this happen in public and explain that other families think it's ok and we don't. Shrug. I guess I just *really* want the OP to consider how this is about ownership and class and money. I believe in keeping children safe, but this thread is about using ownership to accomplish that. One lesson of the "ground rules" for adults thread is that one can treat adults condescendingly based on having a mortgage or lease.
post #58 of 86
The soap thing horrifies me more than hitting, somehow. I don't approve of smacking either but if a frustrated friend smacked her child in my presence I would be upset, but I think I would be more conflicted about whether or not to say anything (especially if it seemed to be a one-time thing). The soap, though, I would definitely intervene. The deliberate cruelty of it and the violation of the child just feels way scarier than a simple lashing out in parental frustration.
post #59 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by anniedare View Post
Ok, I guess I'm in the vast minority here. The concept of "I pay the rent therefore other adults can and cannot _______" is not very kind in our family's version of GD. I guess this is an American concept, and also perhaps class (?)
I think it's a human, territorial concept.

It's not so much "my house, my rules." It's more, "my house is my safe place." I don't think that has anything to do with class, money, or nationality.
post #60 of 86
Quote:
Originally Posted by purple_kangaroo View Post
The first thing that pops into my head to say would be something like this:

"Oh, dear! The soap in my house is not safe for a child to ingest . . . please don't put it in anyone's mouth. I wouldn't want to be responsible for anyone getting sick by eating my soap.

"Do you have special soap at your house that's safe to eat?"
ITA

Or I would bring up the story of how I burned my esophagus with bleach as a child (true) and now have a horrible paranoia of household chemicals and children (not true, but who's counting).

And on a tangent, this reminds me of the scene in A Christmas Story when the boy has a bar of soap in his mouth. After he leaves, the mom looks at the soap, puts it in her mouth to see what it is like, and promptly gags. One of the funniest scenes, in my mind. How mainstream would GD become if parents had to experience these crazy punishments themselves??
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Gentle Discipline
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Childhood and Beyond › Gentle Discipline › When an adult punishes their child at your house