When you least expect it

[homewithtwinsmama]

I will probably cross post this in the preemie forum, but I woke up dreaming about my lost twin preemie. It has been 2 1/2 years and I have done a huge amount of work on grieving and accepting. I now have few days where the ache overwhelms me, but those da** holidays. This third Christmas was the first I didn't feel like I was going through the motions for the other kids, but now several days afterwards I wake up in tears. Sigh! I hate the way it sneaks up on me. I am 6 months pregnant with another daughter and I weirdly feel like I am carrying twins again(I know I am not) because I feel like I am carrying my daughter who died all over again. Do I need to go back to therapy? I thought I was done with that, but don't want the pain of the loss to inhibit my ability to give birth to this baby. Too many questions, most without answers.

[Blu Razzberri]

Hmm. I don't have much in the way of advice. If I had to guess, I'd say that your feelings are probably trigger memory. During this pregnancy, I've had "flashbacks" to my pregnancy with DS. Perhaps it's the same for you, but it also triggers your grief. Certainly if it doesn't go away, or if it gets worse, go back to therapy.

I'm sorry for your loss; and I wish you all the best in this pregnancy and birth.

[Ackray]

I think that what you are feeling is probably pretty normal. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Genesis]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[ediesmom]

pregnancy after loss is so different. We want to be just happy, but the loss is so ....present. Its a strange time.

you said you are 6 months along. At what point were the preemies born?

i remember at the end of my 'subsequent' pregnancy...about the time my dd passed in utero...I went through absolute terrifying panic.... I was at the doctor sometimes a few times a day just to listen to her heart. It was extreme, but ....

just give yourself a break, mama. This is so hard.

[homewithtwinsmama]

Actually my preemie twins were born about three weeks from now, but I don't really fear preterm labor. None of my other kids were dangerously preterm (all at 37 weeks and normal births with no NICU time). That birth one child was burdened with a chromosomal issue and the pregnancy/her health was failing so that is why I went into labor. I really don't know what brought it on. That is what makes me nuts. Just when I think I have mastered handling the loss, I feel like I am back at day one again. Fortunately it doesn't last weeks any more and usually just a day or two.