An honest question

[erin_d_a]

Please don't flame me because of my ignorance. I'm not quite sure where else to ask this question. I'm honestly trying to figure out the most appropriate way to talk to my children about the glbt community.

When I'm talking to my children about glbt people in our community and our friends what kind of terminology is most appropriate? Is queer common now? I noticed this was the queer parenting forum? Do you prefer to have your partner referred to as husband/wife/or partner?

I want to make sure that my children are comfortable and accepting and loving of families that aren't composed the same way that ours are.

Thanks

[kands]

Granted, my kids are only 28 months old, but I don't talk to them about gay vs. straight or anything like that. We just talk about how their friend Kyle has a Mommy and a Daddy. "Do you have a Daddy?" we ask. "No!" they say, "Mommy, Momma!" I have no idea how they know that a Daddy is a parental figure, but they figured it out pretty quickly and they know they don't have one but that some people do. I am sure that someday they will wonder why they don't or why Kyle does, have a Daddy, but for now, just talking about different types of families is enough. Have you checked out The Family Book by Todd Parr? Might be a good place to start. We also talk about how some people have wheels to help them get around (wheelchairs), how some kids live with their grandparents, how some people wear glasses and some have no hair or lots of hair. We just talk about differences as matters of fact, with no judgments attached. That's how I would suggest discussing the glbt community--some women fall in love with other women, some men fall in love with other men. If you don't apply a judgment to it, chances are your kids won't either.

Personally, I call my partner my "wife." I don't use the word "queer," but I know a lot of people do. I tend to say "gay" and sometimes "lesbian," though I use "gay" for both men and women. I would caution you about using the word "queer," just because some people might think you are using it as derogatory slang. One of those "we can use it but you can't" kinds of things.

Thanks for asking. Your kids are lucky to have such open-minded parents. And my kids are lucky that your kids have such open-minded parents

[Diane B]

I would not use the word queer with your children. It still carries a stigma in many circles, especially when used by non-GLBT people. I would refer to lesbians and gay men, bisexuals, and transgender people. You probably won't come off as disrespectful or ignorant with those terms, although some people might prefer something else. In the case of people that you have personal relationships with, just ask what terms they prefer!

I would do as the previous poster suggests, and start with young children by talking about different kinds of families - two mommies, two daddies - and then as they get older, teach the proper terms. Also, watch for the term "gay" being used as a derogatory word starting in elementary school.


Thanks for the question - it's a good one.

[Medusa]

I use the word Queer personally (as a self descriptive, i.e. I'm Queer). However it's not a word I use when talking to my ds about sexuality.

Queer is a word with a dark history that's being reclaimed by some members of
the LGBT community so it's use by the general populis is still treated with suspicion. Same process that the word Gay went through.

I recomend using words like Lesbian, Homosexual, Bisexual, Transgendered, etc.
Just like when your first teaching your child about sex you want to use the correct terms rather than slang, i.e. penis and vagina rather than one eyed willy and beaver.

[LilahSaige]

Originally Posted by Medusa

I recomend using words like Lesbian, Homosexual, Bisexual, Transgendered, etc.
Just like when your first teaching your child about sex you want to use the correct terms rather than slang, i.e. penis and vagina rather than one eyed willy and beaver.

I refer to my partner as my wife

[jul511riv]

partner.

[lexbeach]

I agree with the above suggestions--just talk to your kids about the different kinds of families, and use the correct words if your kids are old enough (mine are nearly five and the vocab is still a little over their heads, we use it but also describe the word every time we say it . . . i.e. say "he's gay, he's a man who loves men," or "She's a lesbian, she's a woman who loves women," or "she's bisexual, someone who loves both men and women,"). As for how to describe someone's significant other, I would use whichever term you use for your straight friends (i.e. if you usually use the word "partner," then use it for gay couples too; if you usually use "husband/wife" than use those for your gay friends). That way the meaning will translate easily to your kids. In our family, we've somehow ended up using the word "love" with our kids, (i.e. dw is my "love," their grandmother is their grandfather's "love," and our friend's husband is her "love."). But in general I refer to my wife as my wife (we are legally married) unless I don't want to "come out" in that moment, and then I say "partner."

HTH!

Lex

[BurtsGirl]

For our location queer hasn't been completely embraced most prefer gay or lesbian. Also I call my partner, my wife because we had a wedding ceremony and it fills most appropriate. It's hard to know how LGBT couples define partner and when it's appropriate to use wife, if at all. I think if your going to use just one term I'd go with partner, most queers I know use that one over wife/husband. If you have close gay or lesbian friends I'd definately get their opinion also.

[mamimapster]

I would not use the word queer with your children. It still carries a stigma in many circles, especially when used by non-GLBT people. I would refer to lesbians and gay men, bisexuals, and transgender people. You probably won't come off as disrespectful or ignorant with those terms, although some people might prefer something else. In the case of people that you have personal relationships with, just ask what terms they prefer!

Diane says it very well-I do not use the word queer, though I understand why this is the QP forum. I however find the word Homosexual to be very offensive in most contexts, it's usually used by right wing persons to denigrate same-sex oriented people. As for family terms, listening to what people call their partners is usually best-or asking as well. Todd Parr's book is great too.

[wannabemoms]

I use both "partner" and "wife" interchangeably to describe my sweetie, although probably use partner more often, even since we got married. I use "gay" or "dyke" to describe myself generally, and I'm very comfortable with using "queer" as well to describe both myself and as an umbrella term. That said, both dyke and queer are historically loaded terms, as others have already eloquently pointed out. I have some straight friends who can and do use the terms respectfully and it doesn't bother me a bit, but others may not appreciate it very much. Like mamimapster, I don't like the word homosexual either. If you have queer friends/families, ask them (or simply listen) about what language they prefer and use those words when talking to your kids. It's amazing, even in this small group here, how many different replies you could get to these questions.

[starling&diesel]

Originally Posted by erin_d_a

I'm honestly trying to figure out the most appropriate way to talk to my children about the glbt community.

When I'm talking to my children about glbt people in our community and our friends what kind of terminology is most appropriate?

I want to make sure that my children are comfortable and accepting and loving of families that aren't composed the same way that ours are.

Thanks

First of all, thank you and blessings on you for doing your part in making the world a better and safer place for my family and friends!

What I'm wondering about is the context of this "talk" about the glbt community?
Is it formal, like in a Sunday school class? Or strategically informal, like when you make use of a teachable moment in the supermarket or local park when your kids ask questions?

The reason I ask is the danger of singling out and highlighting people's differences, thus emphasizing a lesson of tolerance instead of our shared qualities or what we have in common and don't necessarily need to point out on a regular basis.

As for formal 'talks,' I would suggest incorporating age-appropriate picture books into your usual storytime session and then answer any questions that may arise. You may find the children won't have questions, and all the better, that only suggests that they don't have any issues with it. And why would they?

As for informal teachable moments, these were my favourite when I was a children's advocate at a transition house where several of the staff were queer, myself included.

The most common opportunity for 'talking' was when the kids used 'faggot' or 'that's so gay' in a derogatory manner.
Making sure not to make a big deal of it, I'd start the discussion by asking them what that word or phrase meant to them. Often it's just a matter of sharing the correct definitions with them and coaching them on how to use the language more appropriately.

This was one of my usual segues:
"I'm gay, so when you say that 'stupid' board game that you 'hate' is 'so gay', it doesn't really make sense. Let's figure out a better way. Do you know what the word 'gay' means?"

Go with the flow, work at using normalizing, positive language and avoid negative words or language that separates and isolates the family as different. For example: "Like a lot of other kids, he has two mommies who love him" vs "He doesn't have a dad. That's different, but that's okay."

When I worked with kids, and even now with adults, I like to keep the emphasis on what we have in common, so that we're not teaching them to be merely tolerant. There is nothing to "tolerate." Aim for generous diversity being a way of life.

Thanks again, Erin!

Starling

[starling&diesel]

ps ... language

I've always used language like 'gay' and 'lesbian' and 'transgendered' with younger children, or youth who are new to the concept. I stay away from 'homosexual' as it give a pathological, out-dated atmosphere to the concept and isn't used by anyone I know who lives within the gltb community.
For older children or youth who have a more sophisticated understanding of the language, I freely use 'queer,' because so many of us don't fit into the above. This opens up more discussion, but that's a whole other un-learning lesson.

ps. I call my 'partner' just that. However, she calls me 'wife'. We are legally married.

[erin_d_a]

Is it formal, like in a Sunday school class? Or strategically informal, like when you make use of a teachable moment in the supermarket or local park when your kids ask questions?

Well I PRAY that the issue never comes up in something like Sunday school! I want to address the issues with my children, in our home of marriage, sex, and sexuality. I would leave a church that talked about it in sunday school, and we would leave a Church in a heartbeat if it was ever suggested that glbt people are bad or wrong or anything like that. While I understand what is written in the bible, I also know that I get pretty damn sick and tired of hearing Christians harping on the gay issue. Maybe Christians should start addressing the things that Jesus himself addressed like feeding the poor and hungry, taking care of the children, and loving our neighbor.

I'm just thinking of teachable moments in the future. Granted our DD is only 18 months old right now, but it was something that crossed my mind and so I thought this was a good place to ask

Thanks for being so great answering my question! I really appreciate all the positive responses I've gotten.