Why take breastfeeding so personally?

[klg47]

One of my favorite bloggers announced today that she gave up on breastfeeding 7 days after her daughter's birth. She is still pumping a little bit. I didn't say anything negative to her. I recognize that she had difficulties I did not experience, so intellectually I understood why she felt this was best for her family, but her announcement still hurt. Why would I care what she feeds her daughter? Why does lactivism matter, and why do I feel bad personally when it fails?

[llamalluv]

Why do you feel bad when you hear about the devastation of war that happened "way back then"? Or when you hear about people who have lost their homes in natural disasters "way over there"?

Because you have compassion for people who are suffering, and you believe that a child who does not get the best food is suffering.

[APmomto3boys]

We just had a new birth in our family is she is being 100% ff.... because bf'ing is gross. lol says, her mom.

It bothers me so bad that I get knots in my stomach and have a hard time seeing the baby.

[HappyFox05]

Originally Posted by llamalluv

Why do you feel bad when you hear about the devastation of war that happened "way back then"? Or when you hear about people who have lost their homes in natural disasters "way over there"?

Because you have compassion for people who are suffering, and you believe that a child who does not get the best food is suffering.

Good point. I've thought the same thing as the OP myself.

[MommytoTwo]

Hmm...well DS1 was nursed only for about 10 days, and then FF. And thrived. So for me, its not so much about the formula vs the breastmilk ... for me, I feel incredibly sad for the mother and the baby who wont get to experience the breastfeeding relationship. To me that is more important than the food itself. And maybe that is a reflection on my own experience. I AM sad that I missed that with DS1 and so grateful that I got to experience it with DD and now with DS2.

[NewMama2007]

Originally Posted by APmomto3boys

We just had a new birth in our family is she is being 100% ff.... because bf'ing is gross. lol says, her mom.

It bothers me so bad that I get knots in my stomach and have a hard time seeing the baby.

I feel the same way. I wish I didn't, because all of dh's family ff's from the beginning, without even once trying to bf...and they think I'm a freakshow because I nurse dd. His cousin just had a baby yesterday she refuses to even nurse once, despite having a RN hubby who is all for it and trying to encourage her to bfd.

I guess I feel that way because it's well known that it's best for baby...and because a mom can't get over her own weird hangups to give her baby what's best ...well, that just stinks.

[APmomto3boys]

Originally Posted by NewMama2007

I feel the same way. I wish I didn't, because all of dh's family ff's from the beginning, without even once trying to bf...and they think I'm a freakshow because I nurse dd. His cousin just had a baby yesterday she refuses to even nurse once, despite having a RN hubby who is all for it and trying to encourage her to bfd.

I guess I feel that way because it's well known that it's best for baby...and because a mom can't get over her own weird hangups to give her baby what's best ...well, that just stinks.

The father of this baby also want the mom to nurse. ugh! It makes me sick to see a tiny baby sucking down 2 ounces of formula! "well look how hungry she is!".... they say.... She isnt hungry! She sucks for survival! She would suck down a bottle of kool aid if you gave it to her. ugh. Sorry, I obviously have pent up emotions about this!

The thing is that it's their first child and I have 3. So they will come to me for advice on all of those aliments that are triggered by formula feeding... like constipation and dry skin. To be a good aunt I have to try and help when I just want to smack the momma with a boob.... lol sorry.

[APmomto3boys]

Originally Posted by MommytoTwo

Hmm...well DS1 was nursed only for about 10 days, and then FF. And thrived. So for me, its not so much about the formula vs the breastmilk ... for me, I feel incredibly sad for the mother and the baby who wont get to experience the breastfeeding relationship. To me that is more important than the food itself. And maybe that is a reflection on my own experience. I AM sad that I missed that with DS1 and so grateful that I got to experience it with DD and now with DS2.

I agree! I can't imagine not being the soul provider for my baby and wish others would experience that pride too.

[Lunaria]

As pp said I think it has a lot to do with wanting such a new vulnerable little person to have all the benefits we know to be associated with breastfeeding. I am not a very judgemental person, but I find when it comes to lactivism I have a really hard time. I know most of the time I don't know a woman's whole story when she ffeeds, but I find myself feeling sorry for the baby and just wanting to give the babe a good mouthful of breast!

Jenny

[Breastfeeding Insomniac]

I think for me, it bothers me so bad bc I know that the baby is getting an inferior food that can cause all sorts of problems now and in the future. It saddedns me also bc usually mom is not 100% informed of the benefits of bf and the risks of ff.

[hollytheteacher]

Originally Posted by APmomto3boys

We just had a new birth in our family is she is being 100% ff.... because bf'ing is gross. lol says, her mom.

It bothers me so bad that I get knots in my stomach and have a hard time seeing the baby.

me too and this might sound weird but, once when i was looking at pictures of the baby, my milk let down! It was like, i just felt like I wish I could give her some bm or something...i don't know because i really wasn't even contiously thinking about it, but it happened.

[KittyKat]

I feel the same tug at my heart about FF babies.

Usually the cause of them being on formula is something I would not perceive as entirely positive in my life:

One friend had preemie twins who were in the NICU for several weeks. She had pre-e/PIH, and needed an emergency c-section. The pregnancy started off with her being hospitalized several times due to hyperemesis. The whole thing was just SO hard on them all! They did great on the formula, but I felt sad the breastfeeding didn't work out.

Another friend tried and tried for years to have a child. Finally they adopted a gorgeous baby boy. Formula helped him grow big and strong, and it's AWESOME she gets to be a parent. But one slightly sad thing is that the momma didn't get to experience pregnancy herself, or breastfeeding. I think adoption rocks, and it's a terrific way to build a family. That doesn't mean the pain of IF and never experiencing pregnancy is any *less* to my mind. I hope that came across how I meant it, because I mean NO disrespect or negativity towards adoption, nor do I think adoption would magically and instantly erase the pain of years of IF, even though the joy of finally being a parent is wonderfully healing.

Recently a mom at my church had to FF her baby because it was discovered a few days PP that she had a dangerous blood clot, and she had to go on blood thinners for several months. Her porr little guy was a terrific nurser, and has been struggling with some allergies on the formula, but formula absolutely was the best thing under the situation available to them. It still sucks that his mom didn't get to breastfeed him like she planned to and wanted to.

As for not even trying to BF, that makes me sad too. It makes me sad that as a society the negative stereotypes can be strong enough to some people that they won't even try once. It makes me sad that some people have trauma from abuse that makes them feel they can't bear to BF. That's awful. It makes me sad that someone would just dismiss this awesome amazing thing that I love without trying, not even one time.

That's why I try to post on questions from pregnant women about "Should I try to BF?" with an encouragement to at least give it a try for the first 2 weeks. You can't TRULY know if you will have an easy time or a hard time, love it or hate it without trying at all. You just can't.

[delphiniumpansy]

I feel a bit bad for the babies and for the moms if they tried and cannot nurse. But, I try to squelch my feelings and focus on the positive as I feel otherwise I am being inappropriately judgemental of them. After all, it might be an inferior food, but the baby is still getting love and can still have a strongly attached relationship with its parents. I even know a cosleeping, babywearing formula mom! I just don't think harsh judgement and sad feelings does anything for the cause. I try to be an advocate in other ways. The ff mom I know wants to try to breastfeed her next baby because she knows so many successful breastfeeders and feels she can get better support next time. If I felt sad for her baby for getting only formula, I could not be friends with her and she might not have learned as much about successful breastfeeding as she does now. It is impossible to feel bad for someone and hide it. It shows. Far better to be nice and not so judgemental and teach them about successful breastfeeding by example.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by Breastfeeding Insomniac

I think for me, it bothers me so bad bc I know that the baby is getting an inferior food that can cause all sorts of problems now and in the future. It saddedns me also bc usually mom is not 100% informed of the benefits of bf and the risks of ff.

:

[llamalluv]

Originally Posted by delphiniumpansy

I feel a bit bad for the babies and for the moms if they tried and cannot nurse. But, I try to squelch my feelings and focus on the positive as I feel otherwise I am being inappropriately judgemental of them. After all, it might be an inferior food, but the baby is still getting love and can still have a strongly attached relationship with its parents. I even know a cosleeping, babywearing formula mom! I just don't think harsh judgement and sad feelings does anything for the cause. I try to be an advocate in other ways. The ff mom I know wants to try to breastfeed her next baby because she knows so many successful breastfeeders and feels she can get better support next time. If I felt sad for her baby for getting only formula, I could not be friends with her and she might not have learned as much about successful breastfeeding as she does now. It is impossible to feel bad for someone and hide it. It shows. Far better to be nice and not so judgemental and teach them about successful breastfeeding by example.

Oh, well I certainly hope that the feelings are being kept IN, or only being vented in a place where no one will get their own feelings needlessly hurt. I know that we have some mommas here that really, really wanted to breastfeed, but were unable for a number of reasons (for instance, having to be on medications that could harm the baby). I don't think the OP was talking about that. At least, I didn't take it that way. I understood her to mean the women who think that BF is "gross" "too hard" or "not worth it".

[APmomto3boys]

Originally Posted by hollytheteacher

me too and this might sound weird but, once when i was looking at pictures of the baby, my milk let down! It was like, i just felt like I wish I could give her some bm or something...i don't know because i really wasn't even contiously thinking about it, but it happened.

same here! I have been nursing for almost 4 years so when I hold a ff baby, they always root at my breast. They can smell it! It makes my milk let down.

[MommytoTwo]

Ditto, I think the vast majority of discussions here are regarding the never tried/too gross/dont want to group of women, not so much the ones who actually CANNOT for whatever reason.

[Mama Poot]

Originally Posted by APmomto3boys

We just had a new birth in our family is she is being 100% ff.... because bf'ing is gross. lol says, her mom.

It bothers me so bad that I get knots in my stomach and have a hard time seeing the baby.

Those are always the worst stories for me to hear. Not only is a child not getting their birthright of breastmilk but there's a mother out there who is just horribly uneducated and misinformed about a basic function of the human body. Sometimes I often feel worse for those mothers and curse whatever influences brought them to their decision that breastfeeding is "gross". Very sad.

[klg47]

Originally Posted by llamalluv

I know that we have some mommas here that really, really wanted to breastfeed, but were unable for a number of reasons (for instance, having to be on medications that could harm the baby). I don't think the OP was talking about that. At least, I didn't take it that way. I understood her to mean the women who think that BF is "gross" "too hard" or "not worth it".

The mom I was talking about says she really did want to breastfeed. But her baby had troubles latching for some reason. I have no idea what the problem was, and since it's none of my business, I didn't ask. So I have no idea if it was something that could have been overcome or not.

[preemiemamarach]

The thing I struggle with is resentment towards people who say BF was too hard- I've been EPing for 6 months now (preemie with some health issues), working full time, and dealing with a chronically sick LO. Still, my babe has only received a handful of formula feedings in his life, mostly in the NICU.

I know everyone's situation is different, but I have a hard time finding sympathy for someone who can't at least TRY.