Time flies when we have toddlers running around! Hope everyone had a great 2007 and I'm excited to see how 2008 turns out!
post #1 of 303
1/1/08 at 7:03am
Originally Posted by Gunter
Happy New Year mamas!!!
I am way behind on reading posts. Having had an eating disorder most of my life, it's not so healthy for me when it comes to talks about weight gain/loss. I am glad everyone is seeking to be healthy though!
I want to make some goals for the year. Off the top of my head: Read 25 books, travel to south or central america to volunteer, gut our kitchen and put it back together and get hot tub working/fixed, get post partum doula certified, love my babes, go on more "dates" with hubs, learn more about eating local this spring/summer, then canning for next winter, promote my etsy shop and do a few craft shows. Anyone else want to share their ideas?
|I don't have a good relationship with my mom. I wish I did. But I have all these letters in my head for her. I think that some of them may be beneficial for other mom's to read. /shrug. Maybe this is just a place for me to get it out.
I'm packing for a trip to see some friends and family and it has made me very depressed. I am going to see my in-laws and I already don't feel so comfortable around them to begin with. The thing is I hate my body and so packing depresses me so much because I have to choose clothes to wear, and these clothes matter so much more because of how critical my MIL is. Her comments leave me feeling less than beautiful. But then I know I am not beautiful. I am fat and undesirable. Oh, hush, don't try to backtrack now. You spent the majority of my childhood telling me how fat I was. You told me over and over again how big I was and how much my worth depended on that. I see the clothes I have left hanging in my closet. Most of them are near rags because I hate so much to buy new clothes. I don't want clothes to fit my body because that would mean buying *that* size. You know the size that I really am. You told me so often how big it was and how horrible I look. You never said it directly to me--maybe if you had I wouldn't have remembered it so vividly. Instead you critisized my mentor. The one I looked up to and turned to for comfort and acceptance. You see I wear a size 14/16 and all I remember is you telling me over and over again how fat you were and how much you hated your body--and how big those size 16 jeans were that you had to buy. How can I be beautiful as the size that you were when to me you were stunning...but to you...and you told us often...you were ugly, huge and undesirable?!? Apparently...Not only do I have the same jean size, I have the same genes.
I still have to pack my clothes, the ones that don't fit me well. I will on the other hand...in spite of the criticism I am sure to get look in the mirror and find beauty...for this is something I have no desire to pass on to my children. I may not be a size 6, but I am beautiful. I just wish you had told me that I was...It's hard for me to convince myself of something I know you don't believe.
Your middle daughter
Kaspirant, we doubleposted. Powerful words, mama. Do you still feel the same, or has the last year changed your perspective at all?
I told him in my most sincere fake-sympathy voice, "Gee, I can't imagine what that must be like for you!!" :nana: Bwaa haa haa!!! I don't think that the point was lost on him! He sometimes acts like I'm overreacting when I get overwhelmed and fed upSometimes a girl just wants a little understanding, respect and acknowledgement that she's actually doing something that's hard and worthwhile in holding the fort down!!!
I'm actually pretty peeved at DH right now because I'm sitting in an office covered in belt-sander dust, which of course he left for ME to clean up after he so mannishly hung the door to the office. He remembered to wear safety goggles and one of those 3M surgery mask thingies (for crying out loud), but couldn't be bothered to cover up the desk with a sheet before sanding the frame. Thanks!
Added to this is the fact that we tried a new sleeping arrangement last night: Jason in the middle, Brynn on his side, and me on the other side. We thought maybe if she didn't have full frontal access to Mama in the wee hours, she might sleep better, and I would *certainly* sleep better! Of course this morning he was all "Wah, I didn't have enough room, and she was so wiggly, wah wah, I'm SO TIRED!" I was like, "Yeah, pretty much every night of my life for the past two years, buddy. Cry me a river!"
I just feel really pissy right now. I guess it could be PMS, but I have no idea since I haven't had a period since I stopped taking the pill, and I'm not even really sure when that was.