Well, it's done: I've taken the pills that should "bring back my period". I really want to blog this crazy thing but don't dare. The experience of being in this situation, the thing I never thought I'd do, the illegality of abortion in Mexico except for Mexico City (4 hrs away), the brave and warm woman whose midwifery career is being eclipsed by her illegal practice because she's the only resource around, her extra room in her house turned into a clinic, the visions of my son, whom I've asked to come 'round a bit later, when times are a bit more flush, the cramping in my belly.
"extemporize"? kk gets many extra credit points for using that word.
When I got pregnant with Sol, which was my intro into motherhood, I had been living with Viet for about two years, and had no intentions whatsoever of doing a family thing with this fun, bohemian, po' ass Mexican artist. It threw me into a tailspin and into the therapist's office, and threw Viet into "completely-emotionally-unavailable" land, and to call my pregnancy with Sol traumatic is just about correct. I was very, very alone and very, very sad, even though V was still in the house. I got all kinds of illnesses, and had a pretty sucky pregnancy. I still cry thinking how hard those times were for me.
Sol came, and we did the best we could, until she was about 14 mo old and we decided to live separately, which was great for both. Then Amara appeared...we lived separately for a long time, even though we were still together, until A was about a year old, little by little he began spending more and more nights, moving over more and more clothing, taking over the spare room. I was/am glad, because we're getting along and working it out.
However, I'm still paying ALL the bills and just by the hair of my chinny chin chin, as well...obviously I'm a little obsessed with this topic right now because I can't seem to stop mentioning it (at least in my head). Even though I said that money is a horrible reason to have an abortion, because the universe always provides, that is the main reason--that, and the surrounding pressure to work and be the mommy of a newborn and two others, I just can't do it. I will drown. I will be ever further from the thriving elsanne and overwhelmed by survival mode. When V and I spoke about this pregnancy, I started to senses him pull back, and away, and my GREAT NEEDINESS for all kinds of support to make it through this, and I felt that pit of despair much like with Sol's pregnancy, only made that much harder by the need to care for/provide for them, and myself, and I just can't tell you how panicky that feels. Then my boss calls and yells so much I'm sure I'm going to be fired.
I feel the need to explain myself, probably mostly to myself, but also to some of the newer girls, who may be tempted to judge (oh! we are so transparent! as I write this, I know I'm the one judging myself here...). So anyway, there it is.