'Parenting' - very long sorry lol

[ann_of_loxley]

I am sure this has been done already by someone else but I am just curious as to why we 'parent' the way we all do! And more specifically, if we set out to 'parent' the way we do or if we just happened apon it...

My son was not planned. A very nice surprise, but 'parenting' that came along with it another nice surprise! hehe I had no idea...at all...about anything! My son was the first baby I ever held as well!

When I was pregnant I would see other parents. I would see things they did and think 'yes - I think thats good, I will do that too' or 'Oh goodness! I will never do that!'... But then my son was born! A lot of those thoughts and ideals changed right away!

In one way though I think its good that I had no idea and no clue or much thought about it because it helped me to act more on instict. I felt it was right to co sleep, pick up my baby when they cried all the time etc etc... If I had tried to throw myself into all the 'parenting' around me I may have been sucked into the 'co sleeping dangerous! - sleep in own room from birth, leave to cry, etc' crowd... The things I didnt really notice before but read all the time in 'mainstream' magazines and hear parents talk about the time..what seem to be the 'norm' in our ;western world' up here!...So I was able to start blank on instinct alone and able to build and work on that. Some things that many people may not think about, but being who I am - a person who plans and organises most things and think alot about alot of stuff hehe - gives a second thought about like 'reward chart'...I mean, I could write a book on it! Someone already has! (good old alfie kohn!hehe) but who ever would have thought! iykwim! hehe But even my ideals on little things like this were way way different from before I had my son!...Even potty training, and I ended up doing EC! hehe... the list goes on and on...

But then I meet some people who have always been that way. Perhaps they were raised that way though (my own childhood is nothing to go on, I was in an out of many fosters homes and have experienced many typse of families, family life, and many not so good things as well I wont go into here) so maybe thats where their ideals came from. (...perhaps, based on my own childhood - I knew something was right and went as far from that as I could with my own child as not to repeat any cycles I knew to be horribly wrong!) Or perhaps they had good friends around that parent similar to most mums here on MDC who were able to rub off on them before they themselves had their own child so when that time did come, they had something to go on.

For me, I discovered alot of this after my son was born though I was doing alot of it pretty much already. I didnt even know I was co sleeping or doing EC till my son was around 11 months old (whats in a name? lol) and now only he is a toddler have I picked up books like Unconditional Parenting and the Highly Sensitive Child etc... I get alot of people who will say 'Prove it!' (mainstreamers ) and then after the 'You dont need a book to raise a child!'...well no I guess you dont, but then I think (agast at some peoples 'parenting' techniques) that maybe some people do or should at least have a look at some of them lol... But I like my books, they confirm what I feel and have felt all along and not only that, I do sometimes get stuck and because of names like 'TCC, AP, UP, CL' etc etc...I know where to look to help our family find a solution to the problem.

So what about you?
Did you set out to 'parent' the way you do?
Were you raised with the same ideals you have now?
Were you clueless - had no idea...went on instict or the first book you picked up?
Did you have close friends with children to help you along the way?
How did you get to be where you are now with your children?

[Imogen]

My son was unplanned also. The thought of parenting, and the influence that my biological Mother's lack of parenting had had upon me as a young adult caused me to defer parenting for quite a few years. In fact, at one point I was prepared never to become a parent.

But then my son introduced himself into my life. I knew only this, and that was that I wanted to be the parent that my own Mother had never been.

Armed with that knowledge parenting came naturally to me, and although there are some things that I would have done differently when he was a baby, it has been a relatively easy journey for me.

My expectations and goals are simple. Raise a child with the ability to make informed, conscious decisions. To be compassionate and have the ability to feel empathy. To practice self-respect and respect for others.

On a personal level, becoming a parent has enabled me to ditch a lot of the selfish characteristics that I had previously, unhealthy selfishness that is. He has not only caused me to grow as an individual, but the challenges that parenting presents on a day to day basis, have helped me heal a lot of issues that I had with my own parents.

I'm beginning to ramble now. Is this what you were looking for?


Peace

[Jessy1019]

I am a very confident person in general, and so I just felt from the start that I would know what to do with my kids . . . and I have. I've never felt that new mom cluelessness that others describe. I just knew, and I trust my instincts implicitly.

I never read parenting books and doubt I ever will. I like discussing parenting and debating parenting issues, but I can't say I've ever wanted advice on how to raise my kids.

In some ways, the parenting I had was very similar to the way I raise my kids, but in some ways it's very different.

[GuildJenn]

As an abuse survivor I've learned to listen to my gut - but I've also learned that sometimes it takes a LOT of work to get to what my gut is really telling me, as opposed to all the noise around me of society expectations, family history, and even of the tendency of well-meaning groups togo to extremes or to ignore individual needs that go against a particular philosophical point of view.

So I read a lot and listen a lot, and then I evaluate those things to see what I can take from them. I only really adhere to three core principles: one is to respect the child and other individuals, the second is to aim for balance rather than perfection, and the third is to err on the side of love and kindness where there's any question of which way to go. Even for myself.

I think the experience that most shaped my daily parenting is losing my daughter. That really brought home the difference between a real problem, and a temporary inconvenience.

[Petersmamma]

My ds was also unplanned (and your boy is SO cute with those glasses, and he looks so grown....he looks older than my ds who was born 3/05!) and was one of the first babes I had ever held. I'm not a huge kid person, and although I adore my son and want another child, I'm just not someone who likes to be around kids, etc.

As far as parenting, I never really knew what I would do. I knew I would never spank. I wanted to co-sleep (and sheesh, although I love cuddling with him, I'm so glad that my dh works nights because both the men in my life love to press up against me while I sleep, which I HATE and I end up with about 2 inches of space!), wanted to bf, wanted to cd. But I didn't know about gd (and now that he's almost 3, I'm lurking on the gd forum and have requested a couple of recommended books from the library), I knew NOTHING about organic food, plastic toys, etc etc etc.

So, in some ways I feel like MDC is a Godsend, in other ways, it just makes life HARD, you know?

I guess my philosophy is that this isn't a one-time deal. I get another chance every single day. So, I try not to beat myself up if I do something that I don't like. I also try to make mental sticky notes when something works, or I like something.

Also, I know that this isn't popular here, but I love Supernanny (who's British, so do y'all see a version of those shows?). She taught dh and I very early on about consistency. Subsequently, we have never had issues with bedtimes (we have an insanely long bedtime routine, as it encompasses a walk and a bath, both of which are hard to rush) or naptimes (mini-bedtime routine with reading 2 stories). We also learned about letting ds know what was coming (it will be time to leave the playground in 20 min, 15 min, 10,5,3,2,1....) which makes transitions easier. I also believe strongly in routines for kids, so that might be why I latched on to Supernanny's message so quickly.

In keeping with the idea that you get more than one day to do this whole parenting she-bang, I like that things don't generally happen instantaneously. So, I can kind of keep ahead of the curve, with regard to how he's developing.

I think that it really helps that I only have the one child. Ds' personality is such that he doesn't even notice babies (in general) and doesn't seem to want to be a sibling or want to share mom and dad. We can also just lavish our attention on him, and kind of figure out what we are doing. I do want to have another child, but as he gets older, the idea of 2 gets a little scarier each day. I feel like I'm not too bad a parent now, but I don't know if I'll be very good with >1!!

Anyway, this is long and rambly and I don't know if it's what you are looking for, but I guess I kind of just found my parenting stride naturally and come looking here at MDC for advice or guidance when I feel I need it.

I trust myself above all others, though, and I know that if I do what feels right to myself and my son, I'm being the best parent I can be for him.

[ann_of_loxley]

As an abuse survivor I've learned to listen to my gut - but I've also learned that sometimes it takes a LOT of work to get to what my gut is really telling me, as opposed to all the noise around me of society expectations, family history, and even of the tendency of well-meaning groups togo to extremes or to ignore individual needs that go against a particular philosophical point of view.

Same here. The argument that things should/do come natually to you when it comes to your children doesnt always work with me because some things that come naturally to me shouldnt. I suppose I could say because of my childhood, I have been conditioned for certain things to come naturally to me. For example, hitting and yelling come natural to me but I know these things are wrongs and it takes so much from me to stop myself from ever doing these things as guilt also comes natural to me and I hate the way that feels.

So, in some ways I feel like MDC is a Godsend, in other ways, it just makes life HARD, you know?

Deffinatly! I love MDC - I love knowing there are other parents our there that feel the same way I do. Its nice to roll over ideas and to get advice and to just listen to other mums in similar situations! And it deffinatly has made my life harder! I could make my life easier - but then the end result wouldnt be what I wanted. For example - its much harder to work with my son (as it requires my time and patience etc) than it would be to just threaten and punish him to get quick results.

[AllisonR]

I was raised conservative mainstream. DH was more AP/NFL, partially due to being webmaster of a danish parenting / breastfeeding / homebirthing website for many years. So when our first was on the way, he gently suggested more gentle/natural ways, but I wasn't really listening. He suggested home birth, but I said No way, hospital is SO MUCH SAFER! He backed off, after all it was me birthing, not him. He suggested waiting until after DS was born to buy a crib because maybe we wouldn't need one. That made no sense to me. Every baby NEEDS a crib, right? ....

Then DS was born, the most voilent, abusive, intrusive, inhuman way imaginable, only much worse. I learned that death is not the worst thing that can happen in life. Hence my tagline.

I re-thought every preconcived notion I had about birth, parenting, family, the human species, and the other life on this planet. I learned to trust myself, and my instincts, not some "expert," and with that confidence I can say I'm doing a darn good job. Some things I am totally mainstream, like spoosies, and some things I am more AP, like homebirthing and co-sleeping. But I don't care for the labels because I am just me, whatever that is, no more or less. And I'm comfortable with my choices, though I am still learning a lot every day. To bad I have to learn so much from my 1st child. Seems my 2nd child has an unfair advantage! But I have two kind, bright, gentle, loving children and I'm grateful.

[gaialice]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

Did you set out to 'parent' the way you do?
Were you raised with the same ideals you have now?
Were you clueless - had no idea...went on instict or the first book you picked up?
Did you have close friends with children to help you along the way?
How did you get to be where you are now with your children?

Nice thread... both my daughters were unplanned. We were told that we could not conceive naturally, and in fact, I had thought maybe that was a good thing, because the situation we were in (and we are in still) was not conducive to a healthy happy childhood. I live far from my husband and my family, and my husband commutes here every weekend. Well, dd1 was greeted as a "miracle baby" and I felt that parenting was just simply loving her up, filling her with love... I thought I could manage that. But we were run over by my second - and again unplanned - pregancy.... and the birth of a second very high need child, closely spaced to the first, where we scarcely had enough emotional resources for one. So I was clueless, totally, and I had no friends IRL that were going through similar things. Very few of my close friends had kids, many, I discovered had a parenting philosophy that had nothing to do with mine. I wanted to parent similarly to what my mom had done, but with more structure and less chaos. Well, my mom's example proved difficult to live up to - because she did not work and had lots of resources whereas I am really on my own here. There is in the end much more chaos in my home than there was ever in hers.
I think my ideals on how to parent have not changed, what is different is that the situation is different from the ideal situation I had imagined I would grow my children into. I understand how a pp says that MDC has been a mixed blessing because, on the one hand, you are the only people I can talk parenting with. All the other people I know spank/CIO... but then on MDC many moms chose to allocate resources differently, invest more time in their children than I did, and many times I feel like that would have been a wiser choice. But in the end, in buddhism (I am buddhist) you learn that as a child you choose your journey. My kids have chosen this path. I have chosen this path. Regardless of the direction of the journey, it is my responsibility (and theirs) to make it a remarkable and happy journey. I renewed this vow for 2008 and it is to continue providing love and kindness to my kids, and to focus on what I am giving, not on what I am receiving, and to understand that they're doing the best that they can do.. Ain't easy.

[Mrsboyko]

I have always been a little mommy. I was an only child for a long time and always asked my mom for a brother. I got a sister when i was 9. I ended up taking care of her a lot because my mom worked first shift and was tired when she got home and my step dad took care of sis during the day and worked 2nd shift. So I practically raised her till I moved out when i was 17. I also had my cousins. My cousin was 18 when her son was born and 19 when her DD was born. I was 13. I was with them 4 days a week, including nights for years. They looked to me as their second parent since my cousin didn't have a partner that was consistent in their lives.

All 3 of them were formula fed, sposie diapered and kind of CIO'ed. I wanted the experience of raising MY DD to be different. So it has been, in most every way. I see my sister and cousins kids (sis is 16, boy is 13, and girl is 12) and they are all good kids, but i think I can do better for MY child.

I have always loved to be different. i am a lefty and a Capricorn. I like to stick out and explain myself. Questioning authority drove my parents nutty, but it has made me who I am.

[mistymama]

My son was planned, but I always knew I'd know what to do with him. When he was born, I followed my instinct ... that meant we shared sleep, he was carried/held often and never left to cry. It just felt right.

As he's grown, yes, I've read parenting books. Not because I feel I must follow them, but because I'm a researcher. I take what resonates with me and leave the rest. But even at 5 years old, I parent by instinct. That means keeping a close, loving relationship with him and doing what feels right for us.

I don't have ANY friends who parent the way I do, they all think I'm a crazy hippie. Oh well, their loss.

I didn't know there was a "label" for how I was raising Alex until I found MDC.

[craftymom]

I only found this website in the last couple of years, and Mothering mag (which I actually don't read, as my kids are 8 and 5) after that.

I had never held a baby before ds8 was born. I learned quickly that I did not like mainstream parenting mags--the paranoia you're doing it wrong thing or "try to find what's wrong with your kid!" just makes me angry. But we are not full-on AP types either. I just fit better here than anywhere else. I admit that Family Fun is my favorite magazine, even if it is from Disney.

We just went with what we felt was best. I come from a very very mainstream but very very cheap house where yelling, spanking, bossing, and spending a dollar to save a penny were the norm. I was my mother's personal maid from when I was 8. I cleaned everything, did much cooking prep, and mowed and swept while she read Readers Digest and "supervised"--my brother played. Then I did homework. Dh comes from a poor household when young--his dad was a college student. He never knew they were poor--gardening and cheap entertainment were fun. HE has lots of good memories, I have few. His parent shave been divorced for decades but are still good friends.

I was open to cosleeping, but older ds is IMPOSSIBLE to sleep with. I feel for his wife Even as a newborn he hated swaddling and kicked/hit anything that touched him sleeping. He still moves A LOT, and is known for falling out of bed/off of couches. (He has a half-loft bed with 12" sides, but motels are not fun.) As a newborn, he slept in a bassinet next to our bed. When he outgrew it, he went into his crib in his own room--but naps were often on the floor in the living room, or on daddy, who was the sahp then. Younger ds was in the bassinet longer (til he outgrew it) and then moved in with older son. He often (still) crawls into bed with us in the middle of the night. He goes through cycles.

We are anti-spanking, anti-grounding (yes, we have met those who ground their 7yos), always picked up the boys when they cried, would never ever CIO, but did use disposables and do vaccinate (though we have always been behind schedule--we believe in the herd, and protecting those at known risk from vaccines--partly due to a personal experience we had when older ds was hospitalized as a baby for a food allergy). We believe in whole foods and slow foods and cooking, search out local restaurants when travelling, but let the boys pick Jack in the Box for their birthday dinners. Which they do. Older son was strollered (his preference--he was also afraid of wind until age 3.5), younger was carried or worn most of the time. We believe in digging in the dirt (and organic gardening), responsibilities (chores) for all, games, reading time, and allow the boys to mix all their toys together (much to mil's chagrin). We allow TV, but not Nickolodean. Neither has a clue about Gameboys or video games--and show no interest. We camp, craft, garden, study history geography astronomy meteorology nature at home, but do not homeschool (we charter school). Both were breastfed well past a year--older ds never had a drop of formula, younger had some Nutramigen, which still caused a rash so we gave up.

Is this what you were looking for? We fell into Ap-style naturally, but go by what the boys need/want more than what ANY book/mag says, including mothering (and .com).

[tikva18]

Did you set out to 'parent' the way you do?

Not really, I don't knowthat I had a set idea of how to parent- only that somewhere in my mind I had gotten the idea that it would be better to breastfeed.

Were you raised with the same ideals you have now?

I don't think so. My parents increasingly believe that only if you are 'working toward the WEALTH' are you doing any good. My parents are serious work-a-holics who believed thatthey were setting THE example of a good work ethic and that matter more than being there for their kids. I can't count how many times that they actually FORGOT me and left me places.

My grandparents, otoh, were attached parents to me and I actually coslept with my grandmother a lot.

Were you clueless - had no idea...went on instict or the first book you picked up?

I was somewhere between clueless and had a little idea... I basically went on instinct. With ds #1 I tried to do everything 'right'. Istarted by putting him in his crib in his own room. However, it was too hard and felt funny to nurse him in the rocking chair and then put him back. So then I moved him to a cradle swing in my room, but it was too hardto pick him up and nurse and then puthim back like I was supposed to. So then I put the cradle basket on the bed and tried lifting him out - eventually I just snuggled down with him and coslept until he was 2 1/2 yrs old. After my instincts were in place I went out and found Dr. Sear's baby book which was a little farout for me, but a far better match than anything else. Today forsure I fit in line with dr. sears and it's maybe a little mainstream...

Did you have close friends with children to help you along the way?

Nope, only my IL and my MIL kept pushing bottles , sleeping in cribs, and watching t.v. as educational (we're a no t.v. family)

How did you get to be where you are now with your children?

trial and error. not so sure that we are where I want us to be - I've got temperissues and I'm always working on that. At least I'm not afraid of saying 'i'm sorry ' to mykids and that i'vemade a mistake if I have.