What can you do?

[mistymama]

We have some very good friends who are pregnant ... it's her second baby, her first is almost 14 years old! She didn't bf him and she told me last night she has no desire to bf this one either.

She already knows I bf Alex and last night during all the baby talk I told a few stories about nursing him, etc.

I guess in a way it's none of my business how she feeds her baby. But it hurt me so deeply to think she's not even going to TRY or at least give her baby some breastmilk while she's on leave.

Anyone else have experience talking about breastfeeding with someone who clearly has no interest? I don't in any way want to be offensive, these are good friends.

[uumomma]

it is hard isn't?
i dont no what to tell you.

[spmamma]

I have a friend who didn't even consider BFing either of her children. Her DD is just a few months younger than mine. It made me sad, but I knew her views on it and realized that talking to her about it wasn't going to change her mind so we just never talking about how we feed our babies.

[Breastfeeding Insomniac]

If it was me, I would ask her for 20 mins of her time, tell her you want to discuss something with her, and then whatever she decides after she hears you out you will respect, and you won't bring it up again.

If she is open to it, focus on the RISKS of formula feeding http://www.kellymom.com/nutrition/mi...t-formula.html

So many moms do not truly know the risks of ff and benefits of bf. A lot of people equate it and think of it more as formula=store brand/generic whereas bf is the name brand product. A few differences, but basically the same thing. When this thought is thr furthest thing from the truth, but no one is telling moms this.

[merry-mary]

Tough one.

I think you can ask her why. If you're good enough friends, you can simply say, "Hey friend, can I ask you something? The other day you mentioned that you weren't going to BF your new baby. I was wondering why. I hope you don't mind my question - it's just that BFing is such a huge part of my relationship with my baby."

Maybe she has some fears that are unfounded. Maybe there are some big issues there. I think being non-confrontational is the way to go. I mean, the last thing you want from a friend is a lecture on the evils of formula, esp. when she formula fed her firstborn.

Good luck.

[imatulip]

I've had a lot of friends like that and I just try to drop lines (when I can) about how easy it was, how good it is, how easy it is LOL. I'll say things like "I never had to worry about being out too long as I always had food", "I didn't have to pack a cooler when we went anywhere", etc. We would come up with some of these at my LLL mtgs.

I would also let them know I had books on nursing that I could lend them and I could help them if they had any questions, but, quite frankly, if they have no intention of even trying, there's not much you can do.

[mistymama]

Thanks for some great suggestions guys. I'm really going to have to think long and hard before I approach her about this. She made it pretty clear she is NOT interested and I do get the sense she'll get defensive if I push this issue too hard.

It does not help that another mutual friend of ours is only 10 weeks behind her, FF her first (who is not even 2 now) and is planning to FF this next one.

I would really like to find a way to talk with her about this, but I'm going to have to be so careful how I do it .. I don't want to cause problems. Our friends already think I'm nuts for the way I parent. :

[meganmarie]

What about the non-confrontational approach - giving her a book as a gift? One that isn't explicitly about breastfeeding, but that you know will give bf'ing a good word. The Baby Book by Sears comes to mind but I'm sure there are others. If you sneak the book in with a couple other non-book gifts, it won't seem at all like you are offering advice - just being a generous friend. But if she reads it, at least she's got the information you want her to have. I agree with others, there's not much you can do if she continues to feel the same way about it, even with the information.

[MaryJaneLouise]

You might try to ask her WHY she is against, and try to talk about those issues. It's gross, my boobs are for DH, I want to sleep & let DH feed the baby, whatever.

If you're going to do a book, So That's What They're For is a good non-threatening book that uses humor to educate. Good luck.

[MommytoTwo]

I agree with the PP. Next time the subject comes up, I would just say "so how come you arent going to try BFing this time around?" and go from there. I would tread very lightly. Maybe she is on the fence and you can sway her. But if she is adamant I would let it go and just let her see you happily nursing. Maybe you will plant that seed in her mind.

[rmzbm]

Originally Posted by MommytoTwo

I agree with the PP. Next time the subject comes up, I would just say "so how come you arent going to try BFing this time around?" and go from there. I would tread very lightly. Maybe she is on the fence and you can sway her. But if she is adamant I would let it go and just let her see you happily nursing. Maybe you will plant that seed in her mind.

:

[merry-mary]

Originally Posted by MommytoTwo

I agree with the PP. Next time the subject comes up, I would just say "so how come you arent going to try BFing this time around?" and go from there. I would tread very lightly. Maybe she is on the fence and you can sway her. But if she is adamant I would let it go and just let her see you happily nursing. Maybe you will plant that seed in her mind.

Agreed. I'm also of the belief that ANY amount of breastfeeding is better than nothing. If she refuses to BF the baby you could also gently encourage her to BF at the very least in the beginning so baby gets the benefit of colostrum.

You're in a tough spot. Good luck!

[Da WIC Lady]

Originally Posted by merry-mary

Agreed. I'm also of the belief that ANY amount of breastfeeding is better than nothing. If she refuses to BF the baby you could also gently encourage her to BF at the very least in the beginning so baby gets the benefit of colostrum.

You're in a tough spot. Good luck!

This is the approach I use at work for the moms that are not planning to breastfeed. I tell them to at least give it a try in the hospital with the LC support. That way if it works for them with that child they haven't lost anything, and if it doesn't work out they can tell everyone they at least tried. I don't say anything about the baby at least getting colostrum, though since it has a tendency to come out condescending from me for some reason.

Anna

[KirstenMary]

Originally Posted by mistymama

Thanks for some great suggestions guys. I'm really going to have to think long and hard before I approach her about this. She made it pretty clear she is NOT interested and I do get the sense she'll get defensive if I push this issue too hard.

It does not help that another mutual friend of ours is only 10 weeks behind her, FF her first (who is not even 2 now) and is planning to FF this next one.

I would really like to find a way to talk with her about this, but I'm going to have to be so careful how I do it .. I don't want to cause problems. Our friends already think I'm nuts for the way I parent. :

If you think she is going to get defensive, I wouldn't point out the risks of FFing. Instead, if you are going to discuss this with her, talk about the benefits of BFing, and perhaps focus on how BFing could benefit her. As much as I hate to say this, unless she has had some traumatic experience that has resulted in an aversion to BFing, focusing on her might be the best approach; if she were focused on what's best for her baby, this wouldn't even be an issue.

[julie128]

You might not be able to convince your friend to breastfeed entirely, but maybe you can convince her to breastfeed for one week. She may change her mind in that week. You can copy and paste this.

Reasons to breastfeed for one week:

Benefits to mother:
Your uterus will return to its normal size more quickly than if you use formula, and you'll be less likely to hemorrhage.
Instead of getting engorged and possibly developing mastitis, you can slowly wean onto formula.
You'll save money because most of the formula you would mix in the first week would have to be thrown away because a newborn's stomach is too small to hold a bottle's worth of formula.

Benefits to baby:
Colostrum, the first milk, is high in protein and antibodies. It helps jump-start a baby's immune system as an entity separate from his/her mother.
Breast milk has laxative properties, so it helps to get meconium out of the baby's body faster than formula, which tends to be constipating.
Breast milk helps to close off the cells in the gut; it helps the gut finish its development.
Not all formulas work for all babies. You may have to try several types before you find one that your baby can tolerate. If you go straight to formula, and your milk dries up, and your baby cannot tolerate that formula, you have nothing to fall back on. If you start out breastfeeding and your baby cannot tolerate the first formula, then you breastfeed for a day or two until the baby feels better, before you try another one. [I have seen this happen. The baby was adopted. Her guts were bleeding. Finally, they found a formula that worked.]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I would not ordinarily state breastfeeding as a "benefit" over formula, but to someone who is definitely planning on using formula, it is.

[Lucy In the Sky]

I think one of the most effective ways of encouraging moms to nurse is to get them into situations where they are around other nursing moms while those moms are nursing. I hadn't really given feeding much thought one way or another but shortly before I got pregnant I spent some time with a friend of a friend-- a woman and her 4 month old nursling. I got to see firsthand the amazing connection between the two of them while they nursed.

All the rhetoric in the world is nothing compared to seeing the relationship up close and personal. And that way, you're not putting her on the defensive but rather giving her an opportunity to witness something profound firsthand. And she may just start asking questions about benefits based on that.

[Emmeline II]

Adventures in Tandem nursing has good bits on benefits to the mother. Maybe you could copy them for her as to not scare her with the whole book.