The things people say - Page 2

[artemis80]

OMG, I was on some other site where this woman had written a piece on how "My son will remember that I was there to kiss every boo-boo, he will remember that I made him three meals a day, that even though we never stayed at the Hilton, his mama was always there for him, not off working to own mansions and fancy cars and take expensive vacations."

Because, yeah, that's why I work, lady. To buy mansions and fancy cars and take expensive vacations. Not to, you know, pay rent on our duplex or *gasp* feel satisfied as a person. As someone said upthread, bite me!

[Ubelle]

Wow what a thread - I have heard lots, many I can ignore. But then there are those that really hurt - especially when they come from family.

Originally Posted by A&A

Oh my goodness. My dd is 10 now, but I'll never forget what my SISTER said to me when I was pregnant. "I'd rather not have a child than have a child in daycare."

I was told that by my GMIL, that not being able to SAH would be a deal breaker for having a child. And she told me that she read an artical stating that children in daycare have more psychelogical problems (like I'm raising Dalmer)


A couple weeks ago after the entire family suffered a stomache virus, I was still sick and home with a well baby (we had an afternoon Dr. appointment to clear her for daycare as she had a weird rash), DH had to be at work for 3 critical meetings and employee issues. MIL called to check and the coversation went like this:
ME: Well I am still sick, but DD is happily playing and it's hard to rest while taking care of her
MIL: Well DH is working to keep a roof over your head...
ME: :: I said nothing I was shocked
MIL: Well and you put food on the table
ME: : I mumbled yeah or something

How much food does she think we eat? DH and I make the same amount of money at our jobs, I also carry our benefits (medical, dental etc). MIL knows this. She was a SAHM and thinks it's horrible that I work or that DH cooks to help out.

[Halfasianmomma]

Originally Posted by madskye

"Oh, you're still working."

"Yes, I still work."

"I could never have left DS. He would have been fine, but I wouldn't be able to handle being away from him all day."

What is the correct response to that?

"Well, I actually have a heart of stone!"

: wow, I snorted milk out my nose. Thanks

[dentmom3]

What a timely thread - I was thinking of starting one last week when the following was said to me -

Ex neighbor was visiting our house (sort of a Christmas visit - but one where they dropped in, didn't call and then let themselves in without knocking....anyhoo..)

She's trying to get DS3 or DD5 to have a sleepover at her house with her older kids both teenagers. Neither kid wants anything to do with it. So she turns to me and says "Wow, you would think they would just be so used to you leaving them places!" Yeah, because I drop them on the corner all the time when I have something to do. Any port in a storm. And my backup childcare is what, a crack addict? Seriously.

This from the same woman who told me that I was 'nothing' to my children because I work and whose daughter gave me the classic 'wouldn't have children just to have someone else raise them' line when she was just 16. She and her mother were asked to leave my house when that one came out.

There, I feel better now.

To me it is all in the attitude. Some of my good friends SAH, some WOH full time, some are in transition from one to the other. It is only the ones with attitudes - one way OR the other - that I don't have time for.

[GooeyRN]

Some of these posts make me sad. Some people are so insensitive. We all have different needs. I don't use daycare (I work pt around dh's schedule) but I do believe that it has actual BENEFITS for kids. Some people SUCK, plain and simple. Keep doing what is best for YOUR families, mama's!

[siobhang]

Actually, the comments that make me the maddest are the ones denegrating my career because I WAH/run my own business. I started this gig because I didn't want to fit back into the ideal worker, 60 hour a week, long commute, workstyle that I had before kids.

I quit my job after my maternity leave ended, b/c my boss was being a jerk about my return. I figured if he was going to be difficult about easing back into work, he'd be a jerk about pumping, sick babies, etc. I knew that I wanted to work and that financially, not working would be very very hard on us. And I knew I could find another job.

So I quit. My boss then offered me freelance work (which I took b/c I earned more per hour and could work from home). He did have the *great* comment, "And when you are serious about your career again, give me a call."

A few months after I started working freelance for him (and a few other clients), I ran into a former colleague at a business event. He was surprised to see me. He told me that my boss had told everyone that I quit "to be a mommy" (direct quote).

My boss hadn't told ANYONE that I was still working for him - instead he told everyone that I was now a "full-time mommy".

Grr grr grr.

I have found that people take my business a lot more seriously now that they know it is our sole source of income (dh quit his day job in October of 06). Before, I had lots of comments about this being my "hobby".

In some ways I feel like I get a free pass from both the SAHM and WOHM groups because I am a little bit of both. But there are also slams from both - lots of expectations about my availability to volunteer for the kids schools, lack of respect for our business as "real", etc.

Eh, I try to just let it roll off my back. Not always successfully.

[DandeCobb]

SAH is the norm in my small town. my OB/gyn asked me today

'so are you able to stay home?'

me: " no i work part-time as a nurse"

him: 'oooh, thats to bad"

me: 'i work by CHOICE'

him' uh..yeah, well, working is okay, uhhh, uhh'

:

[Dragonfly]

My "favorite" was spoken by a family court judge I worked for, right from the bench. This was a woman who knew I had a young child and still insisted on occupying as many of my waking minutes as possible with menial crap and making me feel lazy and guilty for those that weren't so occupied. She would insist that I stay in chambers with her long past court closing while she sat in her office and made personal phone calls or chatted with her colleagues.

One day, we were in court and she said to a foster parent who was home while the children were in school and worked from 3-7, "3-7 are the prime parenting hours. If you're not with your children during those hours, you're not parenting,"

Yeah, awesome. :

[Azuralea]

Originally Posted by dentmom3

She's trying to get DS3 or DD5 to have a sleepover at her house with her older kids both teenagers. Neither kid wants anything to do with it. So she turns to me and says "Wow, you would think they would just be so used to you leaving them places!" Yeah, because I drop them on the corner all the time when I have something to do. Any port in a storm. And my backup childcare is what, a crack addict? Seriously.

I'm not thinking that the lady who wants you to leave your three- or five-year-old (!!!) for a sleepover with her teenagers is the optimal model of mothering herself, y'know? That's downright creepy. And badgering and insulting another mother to permit such a thing? Creeeeeepy. :

Originally Posted by dentmom3

This from the same woman who told me that I was 'nothing' to my children because I work and whose daughter gave me the classic 'wouldn't have children just to have someone else raise them' line when she was just 16. She and her mother were asked to leave my house when that one came out.

And yet they let themselves back in the house without asking to harass your little ones into sleeping over with the teens? Ooooooookay. I'm thinking your neighbors are, how to say it, a few cards short of a full deck?

I think the one I'm feeling the most sorry for in this situation is her poor judgmental teen.

Originally Posted by dentmom3

To me it is all in the attitude. Some of my good friends SAH, some WOH full time, some are in transition from one to the other. It is only the ones with attitudes - one way OR the other - that I don't have time for.

:

[Imogen]

Originally Posted by artemis80

Well, this one is quite cliché, but I just had it used around (not exactly "to") me the other day. We were at our parenting group and a couple of us were talking about daycare, and someone else said, "Well, I stay at home with ds because I don't want someone else raising him..."

Barf. Of course it stings both because it is and isn't true. Double-edged sword, that one.

This one causes me a great deal of anger too. Mommy wars are infuriating, because ultimately, every individual family is different and we're not robots that should conform to a particular brand of parenting. Whether it be WOHM, WAHM or SAHM.

My son attends Nursery in the mornings, and he loves it. On the rare occasions that I pick him up from Nursery (Nana usually does this) I will stand and watch him for a couple of minutes to see how he is. He's happy, he's interacting with the other children and is always really happy and proud of himself when he brings his paintings home to show me.

It's also important to remember imo, that throughout history women have always worked, whether it be within the home or outside of it.

Women working is nothing new

Peace

[Imogen]

I do want to add though that whatever decision has been taken in regards to family, whether it be SAHM, WOHM or WAHM, it's not a decision that anyone takes lightly.

Instead of condemning and judging other women's choices in regards to family, we should be supporting and encouraging each other in all ways. As parents within a modern world, the challenges that we face on a day to day basis are difficult enough without arguements about the dynamics of individual family choices.

We should never feel that we have to explain or justify our actions in regards to our parenting choices (obviously not included abuse & violence in this equation, this is a different topic). Ultimately, I shouldn't have to explain or justify myself when I encounter people making comments about 'other people raising my child'. It shouldn't even be an issue to begin with.

I would have added this to my previous post, but MDC won't let me edit for some reason at the moment.

Peace

[readytobedone]

Originally Posted by Qestia

We visited the in-laws over the holidays and my FIL was describing a relative his age in the following way: "His mother went to work at a time when people didn't do that so he was essentially raised by his grandparents and didn't really have a relationship with his mother."

not trying to defend the man or his remark, but it did strike me this way. he seemed to mean the part about "at a time when people didn't do that" as a qualifier, to distinguish what she did from what you are doing. it might actually make a difference that people didn't do that then, since her decision to go back to work against the grain might've been indicative of other things, and she might've been a very different kind of mother from you overall. not saying everyone who went back to work "in the old days" was a distant mother, but maybe this one was. the stakes of, and reasons for, going back to work are certainly different in a period in which people of a certain social class aren't doing it, KWIM?

ETA: i really think it's important to stress that people of a certain social class weren't doing it. as a PP said, women working is nothing new, but women of a certain class simply did not WOH, even in the early 20th century. my grandmother WOH in the 50s (electively; her husband could've supported the family but she wanted a career), and i think that made her a target for criticism within the community at times.

[theyOWNme]

So I'm breastfeeding my twin girls and my FIL seems to have an opinion about EVERYTHING! Everytime he comes over he asks, "So are you still breastfeeding them? when are you going to start giving them formula?" And i respond the same way every time, "I'm not." :So i was having trouble storing milk because the girls were constantly nursing. I gave supplemented them with formula for a few days so I could get some milk stored for when I started work, and he came over one day while I was feeding them the bottles, and he asked if it was breastmilk or formula. When I said formula he said, "Good. That way nothing will happen to them."

My husband had to hold me back.

Have I mentioned that his sister pushed me while I was 4 months pregnant and he loves to call the girls Yimenita (his sisters name is Yimena). Can't STAND THAT MAN!!! : angry

[waiflywaif]

I used to get irritated when other moms would give me sage advice like, "You kow, if you don't make at least $30K ayear, it's not worth working because your paycheck gets eaten up by daycare, drycleaning, commuting, etc." Um, I think I've got that covered. I have an actual career here, not a paper route.

HA! Thank you for this. I feel exactly the same way about that comment.

I've had this one, from a SAHM (not that there's anything wrong with that, etc): "I don't get a paycheck. But I get hugs and kisses!" Ah yes, my cold hugless existence. No affection from my kids whatsoever. Good thing I've got that paycheck.

[subrosa]

Originally Posted by artemis80

Because, yeah, that's why I work, lady. To buy mansions and fancy cars and take expensive vacations. Not to, you know, pay rent on our duplex or *gasp* feel satisfied as a person. As someone said upthread, bite me!

I really resent the idea that if you just budget correctly and "cut back on expenses," anyone can SAH, and that all WOHMs are out there working because we had to have the McMansion and the SUV. Well, look. I make more money that my husband does. I have more income-earning potential. And to get that income-earning potential, I racked up $100k in student loan debt. Cutting out cable TV isn't going to pay that sucker off!

I also had someone once say, in a tone dripping with insincerity, "I just don't know how you working moms do it! That one was all about tone, as it so often is. Also, I've caught my SILs having that "not wanting someone else to raise my kids" line and then shushing each other when they realize I'm in the room. Yeesh.

[Qestia]

Originally Posted by waiflywaif

HA! Thank you for this. I feel exactly the same way about that comment.

I've had this one, from a SAHM (not that there's anything wrong with that, etc): "I don't get a paycheck. But I get hugs and kisses!" Ah yes, my cold hugless existence. No affection from my kids whatsoever. Good thing I've got that paycheck.

[EVC]

My "favorite" is the "I could never leave my children with STRANGERS"

Yup, because before I go to class each day I just dump dd on the first guy I see waiting at the bus stop, slip him a $20, and off I go

[mytwogirls]

I work weekends as a labor/delivery nurse and during the week I am home with my two girls. When I returned to work after my hysterectomy (a story itself) I had another nurse tell me, "Well I am glad to see you, but since you only are working two days a week now, why work at all? It is such a drive for you to come here for only two days." Hello??? Uh...because I love my job and it gives me some "me" time and love to help deliver babies! Some people just speak before they think and it just makes me so mad. My friend ended up quitting her job a few weeks ago because her boss was being an a** about her pumping at work. I told her to report it, but she is not the type to stand up to people. Bummer, I would have a few choice works to say to the jerk!

[dentmom3]

Originally Posted by EVC

My "favorite" is the "I could never leave my children with STRANGERS"

Yup, because before I go to class each day I just dump dd on the first guy I see waiting at the bus stop, slip him a $20, and off I go

Oh wow! Does that work well? Cuz I could save LOADS of money on childcare if I did that!!!

[EVC]

Originally Posted by dentmom3

Oh wow! Does that work well? Cuz I could save LOADS of money on childcare if I did that!!!

Well, you know, trusted daycare provider, total stranger at the bus stop--what's the difference really? And you clearly don't care about who your child is with during the day, right? Just think of all the money you could save towards your new mansion!

.....