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Honey, please go Boil water - Page 3

post #41 of 46
1/13/08 at 11:40am
while i agree that there's nothing wrong with asking, often the way something is asked demonstrates certain assumptions.

now, i could be completely wrong about what those assumptions are, but when i read the question about "what about your husband's feelings when. . ." it assumes that my husband would feel that way, or that every husband should feel that way, and that anyone who doesn't get on board with that assumption is essentially creating an environment in which the husband is "left out" of this "beautiful product of our love" and which will inhibit bonding, etc. . .

so, i didn't really read it as "just a question."

I think that a better way to phrase the question would have been something like "Do you think that having a solo UC would impact your husband's ability to bond with his child or cause him to feel left out of this amazing experience?"

that one comes without judgements, inferences, or assumptions.
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post #42 of 46
1/14/08 at 2:44pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by zoebird View Post
my husband is naturally quite anxious AND he grew up in a household where any weakness or illness was seen as an inconvenience and treated with anger.

over the last couple of weeks, i have not felt well (sickness or new pregnancy, we don't know). anyway, my normal "duties" haven't been preformed (cooking, cleaning, etc) and he's quite angry and frustrated.

but he feels bad, because he also knows that i can't help it that i feel bad and that standing up straight hurts really bad (very bad gas and bloating).
Are you secretly married to my husband? I've never been able to wrap myself around his feelings and attitudes but you summed it up perfectly. If I ever have another child I don't think I will be around my husband for most of labor. I do want him there when my child would be born.

I just cannot explain to most how watching me labor affected my husband. There isn't a doubt in my mind that his job was 1000 times harder then mine. We have talked about it a long long time and it put him in a place mentally that was not good for him. luckily for me I am not overly observant, had I been, I would have been adversly affected by his responses.

I think the article was good and I could see how if I were different how my husband would have hindered labor.

My husbands identical twin lost it in the delivery room. convinced his wife she could never push a baby out and screamed at the presiding OB to go find a doctor who was proficient in using a vaccum or forceps, that his wife is not able to push. and when I say scream all security was called and the head OB came running they thought it was an emergency. my SIL was pushing for about 25 minutes no distress to her or the baby but my bil deamed it a medical emergency. And my SIL gave up trying to push and ended up with a 4th degree tear and blood transfusions from the use of the vaccuum.

I think it depends on the husband. My husband is not a good candidate for labor. and neither is his twin.
post #43 of 46
1/14/08 at 3:04pm
woah. those guys have a serious response!

i talked to my husband about this, and the question that he brought up is that

1. the whole question is such a "male" question--as it seems to him that men are often asking "what is optimal based on various objective and nearly objective standards?" while women seem to go more on "what do i think/feel is right?" so to him, the whole question or idea is "male-driven" which is problematic when talking about a female-focused activity. . .

and

2. assuming that the reason for keeping the father out is based on his own folly or problems or whatever craziness he has that he might also bring to the birth, why isn't it brought to the fore that men should be held to a standard to "work on" their feelings such that they wouldn't be an inhibition at the birth? (this, of course, assumes that attendants at births are not per se inhibitions) he questions why there's no need for a man to change--or no one is calling for men to change into a person who can "go primal" and who can "be truly supportive."

he sees it as his personal mission to be the best human being possible, and at the birth, this means being fully present and fully tursting and open. he has to work on some things, and he's willing to.

i think he's saddened and frustrated that many men are not willing to, and not one is willing to say "grow up" to these guys.
post #44 of 46
1/14/08 at 3:23pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by zoebird View Post
he sees it as his personal mission to be the best human being possible, and at the birth, this means being fully present and fully tursting and open. he has to work on some things, and he's willing to.

i think he's saddened and frustrated that many men are not willing to, and not one is willing to say "grow up" to these guys.
My husband had the same response. And he strives everyday to be a better person. And he was from my perspective great during my labor. As I made laps from the birth tub to the toilet to the bed he went behind me and wiped up the water on the floor, he held the bucket for me to get sick in. He did the labor dance with me. He knelt on the floor in front of me and just held me. From my perspective he was a HUGE help and he was WONDERFUL. But I know this came at a cost for him. It did affect him emotionally. He said it was one of the hardest things he had ever done.

What I got from the article is this. We need to pay attention to more then just the woman laboring. We need to pay attention to the environment as well. Women have the ability to talk through negative feelings until they become right, men not so much. so for DH to spend the later parts of labor in such emotional turmoil, I feel these questions should be asked.

But then again I'm a huge adovocate of the statement. We're pregnant and we're laboring and we're delivering. B/C the roller coaster ride of my pregnangy labor and delivery my husband was strapped in the seat right beside me. and my nurturing side would like to spare anyone that. KWIM?
post #45 of 46
1/14/08 at 3:30pm
perhaps, or perhaps it's not ours to spare.

i mean, women go through an initation with this, why not men?

it's just begging the question. i don't think that most men aren't trying--the difference is that they don't seemm to expect to have to try.

i mean, why wouldn't it be appropriate for your husband do go through a difficult time? and why would you be concerned with sparing him that if that is what he needs to experienc ein that moment?

but, i also think that if it's best that he not experience it, then it's important to say "ok, then this is good too. . ." and so on.
post #46 of 46
1/14/08 at 4:43pm
still presumes a standard-- I have met a few men- who are so traumatized by birth... and it would be nice it they could just fix it but that isn't always possible- and there are cultural differences I have known couples where their relationship is loving and supportive but the wife does not want care taking to be done by her husband --
I have a long time friend who locked herself in the bathroom while giving birth to her second child- she had said all along that she didn't know what she was going to do with her partner because she felt torn about his presence --- she had talked to me about not coming unless she sent a spoon -- I was to delay or detain if he came to get me and she didn't send him---

during labor I knew I just wanted to be left alone- during the birth ok maybe you can hand me something
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