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Anyone wanna critique?

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 
This is poem that has been floating around in my head all week. Its still very rough and lacking what I feel when I think it...but have at it anyway!

Ben and Beautiful Children

He gave me late nights that turned into early mornings spent talking until there were no more words left.
He gave me a ring that sparkled like dew on a lavender bush.

He gave me a baby curled sleeping inside of me, and then another.
He gave me a new name, whispered by the people we created together.

He gave me sounds and smells I will never forget.
The whir of a ventilator. The sting of antiseptic that still fills my nose and mouth.

He gave me my first real heartbreak, a knife that sliced my breath away and left me gasping for air.
He gave me a heart turned to stone, unmoving and fractured.

He gave me doubt and fear.
He gave me other women, in my head and in my bed, drifting above me like ghosts.

He gave me Ben and beautiful children.
In the end it was enough.
post #2 of 8
well, it passed the tearjerker test.

very nice work...
post #3 of 8
Beautiful poem. It's raw and honest and has a lot of potential. I hope you share the final version.

My comments:
You do a good job of telling a story, but there are a couple of parts that were unclear for me. Who is Ben? Is this your new partner? How did "he" give you Ben?

Also--going straight from the ventilator to the part about heartbreak makes me think that he died as I read it, but then we come to the line about other women and it throws me off a little.

One last picky thing--the part about your heart turning to stone seems a little too much of a cliche for a piece this raw. I think any word other than stone would work better for me.

Thank you for sharing this!
post #4 of 8
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the comments and advice. I always love hearing other people articulate what I know is off but can't quite see yet, ya know!
post #5 of 8
Thread Starter 
oops
post #6 of 8
Thread Starter 
oops
post #7 of 8
Thread Starter 
oops
post #8 of 8
I think that's really good. I'm glad you're writing again. Seriously Net, it's good. I mean it's no Aiden and the Gila Monster, but it's good. Please keep writing, I don't know why you stopped.
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