What can I do?

[Smokering]

DH got an email today from a member of his swordfighting community, informing him that another member has just lost his wife. She was expecting their child and suffered some kind of allergic reaction to the placenta. The baby is in intensive care, fighting for her life.

I've only met this man once, and DH only knows him casually (as an acquaintance rather than a friend). What can we do? DH sent him a text offering condolences and asking if we could help with meals etc (I'm not sure I would have done this, but he didn't tell me until after he sent it and I know it was meant well). He hasn't received any reply (obviously)... Would it be unwelcome/inappropriate for me to do something? I feel so bad for that tiny baby without a mother, not to mention what the father must be going through. But I REALLY don't know this guy--probably wouldn't recognise him again, to be honest. The guy who sent DH the email suggested that the father would probably appreciate visitors, but I'm not sure if he really knew what he was talking about. I wish I could offer to donate milk, but I don't have any yet! I need some advice... DH doesn't know, and seems to think if the man needs/wants anything he'll text back. But frankly, that seems unlikely. Neither of us are too hot at people skills, so... help?

[binkin]

I don't think it could hurt to take over something to eat. I lost my brother-in-law in May 2006 and my mom in November of last year and I would really have appreciated having someone bring food. When you're so depressed and grieving it seems really hard to go about everyday things and to me, at least, fast food sounded disgusting. If the man in question isn't a friend, he may hesitate to reply to the text or ask for help - I know for me, even when people said "let me know if I can do anything" I tended to take it more as a courtesy than an actual offer, if that makes sense. When my mom died my best friend brought a couple of rotisserie chickens, some sides, and some muffins to us and that was really appreciated a lot.

Maybe just something easy to eat that could be reheated at a later time. I don't think you could offend by taking food. If you don't feel up to it, I don't think the absence would be noticed, but it seems like it would be a nice thing to do. I wouldn't expect a text back, to be honest.

[Smokering]

Food, yes, food is good. The only trouble with that is I'm not 100% sure where he lives--I think it's out of town. He's in my city now because we have the big hospital, staying with his mother, but I can't really take a roast chicken into the NICU.

To my surprise, he actually did text DH back last night. He basically said thanks for our condolences, he'd be at the hospital for at least another week if all went well with the baby, and he had some support because his mother lived close by (to the hospital I'm assuming--possibly to his house out of town, not sure), but that he'd call on us if he needed to.

So I'm wondering if I should offer to take some shifts at the NICU watching the baby, so he can go and get a shower or eat or take a break and still know someone's with her? He could go to our place if he wanted to crash, we have a spare bed and live fairly close to the hospital. Do you think it'd be out of line to ask? I mean, he might want to spend every second with the baby himself, but that's not likely to be possible--he'll have to be arranging his wife's funeral and so on. If it were me and I had to leave the baby alone for a few hours, I'd want someone else to be there to call me just in case, or to talk to the baby.... Do you think? I'm not working right now so I could technically spend as much time at the hospital as he needed.

And we'll definitely try to have him over for a meal, or see if he needs frozen meals, or whatever. But tell me what you think. Should I get DH to text him back sometime today, offering my baby-watching services/our house to eat, wash, phone from or crash in/a meal? Or would that be pushy? I want him to know we really want to help, but I don't want to get in the way... you know. :/

[binkin]

I would say it couldn't hurt to offer, and I don't think a second offer is crossing over into "pushy". I would make the offer as specific as possible, although without your knowing more details about his time at the hospital and funeral arrangements that might be tricky. I know I had a hard time making decisions (still do) as a result of grief so taking as much of the reins as is comfortable or possible for you in what you offer might be good. This is of course based on my own and my family's experience - he may feel different, but I just wanted someone to say "I am coming over between viewings with dinner for you" (or, when we were still in the hospital, "I am going to the cafeteria now, I'll be bringing a sandwich and a drink back for you") rather than have to decide what I needed, whether I really needed it, whether I should feel bad for "imposing" on that person, etc.

I think it's really kind and great that you're trying to help. trying to figure out the best course of action.

[Cherie2]

One of the things I would really have loved is for somebody to go to my house and wash my dishes or something...

It is so hard to even think of what you need.. and people are telling you .."if I can do anything let me know" and I would have no idea what to tell them.

One woman who just started working in my office offered to spot me at the hospital, I was so touched and considered taking her up on her offer. I ended up not needing to but it was the best offer anybody gave me.

You may not be able to bring a roast chicken to the NICU but you could bring a sandwich or something.

You are very kind and generous to be reaching out to this virtual stranger at his time of incredible need.

Don't worry about seeming pushy, this guy probably doesn't even know which way is up right now.