I think my partner's backing out.

[wannabemoms]

I should have seen this coming, she's been withdrawing for weeks. Any time I've brought up anything baby-related she gets crabby or defensive. We had a big "discussion" last night that continued this morning and ended up with her storming off to work without speaking to me. She's freaking out, mostly about finances from the sounds of it. She's picking little snippets of my words and getting offended by them, totally out of context. I'm detecting ambivalence bordering on a "no way". This bites. Our appointment is in 10 days. We've been planning this for months. This was HER idea in the first place. WTH??? I'm so disappointed and upset and frustrated right now.

[Coco99]

Hey there, that must be so difficult for you... we are about as close to you so I can imagine how I would feel if I was going through the same thing...

I think the best thing to do is have an honest talk with her, letting her express all of her fears and realistically looking at them and how they could be managed if you did go ahead. I know if it was me in your place, I would tend to get defensive as well if my partner expressed doubts at this point, after all this time... but fears that are expressed, vented and heared stand a better chance of being relieved... but its not easy to do when you are the other partner !! Does she have any close friends who could help her get through these doubts and decide what she really desires at this point in her life ?

In hopes that things will get easier for you !

Coco
xx

[wannabemoms]

That's the thing, she'll tell me what her fears are, and then say, "what do you think?" and I'll say "well, we're financially stable, have good support for both of us from both our families, we don't HAVE to recarpet upstairs this year we can do it next year to save money, etc. etc." And she'll say, "see, you don't listen to my feelings at all", then go on to tell me that I'm not considering the possible financial strains and that my head is in the clouds. Helloooo, I'm not an idiot of course I've considered these things. We've ALWAYS managed to make things work out, and I'm naturally an optimist. Things ALWAYS work out, so why should I stress about all the millions of things that could possibly go wrong? She stresses about all the millions of things that could possibly go wrong, and look how secure and happy it's making her... I don't know that she would talk to anyone else about it. She's got friends, but none of them are particularly pro-children (not anti-kids, mind you, but not keen on having their own).

I just can't beleive that it's coming down to this. I've been freakin' charting and obsessing over everything for months, trying to make sure I live up to my responsibilities (ie knowing my body and my cycle and preparing myself for a healthy pregnancy and doing research)... this is so unfair.

[Coco99]

I hear you... I can be mistaken but that sounds as though she may have more doubts than she is saying... or than she is even aware of perhaps. Sounds like cold feet to me... and you know what is the best for cold feet right? Socks and time to warm up!! Maybe postpone your project one month and in the mean time, try not to stress about it, try to warm up your relationship, take care of each other and reevaluate after that where you both stand.

Wishing you warm toes !

Coco

[Diane B]

Originally Posted by wannabemoms

That's the thing, she'll tell me what her fears are, and then say, "what do you think?" and I'll say "well, we're financially stable, have good support for both of us from both our families, we don't HAVE to recarpet upstairs this year we can do it next year to save money, etc. etc." And she'll say, "see, you don't listen to my feelings at all", then go on to tell me that I'm not considering the possible financial strains and that my head is in the clouds. Helloooo, I'm not an idiot of course I've considered these things. We've ALWAYS managed to make things work out, and I'm naturally an optimist. Things ALWAYS work out, so why should I stress about all the millions of things that could possibly go wrong? She stresses about all the millions of things that could possibly go wrong, and look how secure and happy it's making her... I don't know that she would talk to anyone else about it. She's got friends, but none of them are particularly pro-children (not anti-kids, mind you, but not keen on having their own).

I just can't beleive that it's coming down to this. I've been freakin' charting and obsessing over everything for months, trying to make sure I live up to my responsibilities (ie knowing my body and my cycle and preparing myself for a healthy pregnancy and doing research)... this is so unfair.

It sounds to me like she's scared and not feeling acknowledged. My partner and I were in that situation before we started trying to become moms. She didn't want me to tell her all of the ways I thought things would work out. She just wanted me to hear her concerns and know I took them seriously. She wanted me to acknowledge that this was a BIG DEAL and might have downsides as well as upsides. We spent some time in couple's counseling working through these issues, and it meant I had to wait a bit longer than I wanted to to start, but in the end, it was worth it because we were able to go into this with more trust.

I would ask her what she needs - another month to talk through finances and make a plan? Someone to help you guys talk through concerns? A sit-down with another lesbian couple or two with young kids to get some support? There might be a way for you both to get on the same page and move forward together - good luck!

[wannabemoms]

I've asked her what she needs...more time? Wait until we see the doctor? Clearing the remainder of our debt? Something else?

I'm getting the cold shoulder and "I don't know. I don't care."

I've told her that I have fears and doubts and anxiety too...about the same things she's mentioned. They just don't paralyse me in the same way.

So when she tells me all her concerns, and then asks "what do you think?", what am I supposed to say? Am I supposed to say "you're right, there ARE a ton of things to be scared about" and leave it at that? I've tried doing that. But she invariably asks me what I think, and then when I tell her anything different from what she's said, she says I'm invalidating her feelings and coming up with solutions for everything. I'm not saying what she feels is 'wrong", but if I have a different opinion/viewpoint, shouldn't I be allowed to express that? I'm feeling so stuck here....the communication is just not happening.

[frog]

Maybe waiting is the right thing to do.

We ended up on a much longer break than we'd anticipated when we decided to take one and, honestly, it's been really good for us (though I wouldn't have admitted it when we were taking the break).

It's now possible I'm too old to get pregnant easily--I'll be 37 in March--but I'm still really glad we took the break. For me, it's more important to have a solid relationship with turtle than to try to bring kids into something that's not stable or into a relationship where we're not on the same page in terms of having them.

When reading your posts about this, I'm reminded of buying my first house with my now-ex, toad. We kept coming to the same point of being ready to buy, then she'd flip out. She'd pick fights with me, accuse me of not hearing her or caring what she thought, etc. In the end, it just took here a REALLY long time to commit to buying a house. In the end, we did so and it was a really good thing, though it wasn't on the timeline I'd hoped. It was really, really hard for me to chill out and wait. I'm very bad at waiting, even if it's the right thing.

[AngelaM]

I'm sorry, this is a really hard situation.

Do you think that she would agree to go to see a counselor together with you? As others have said, it may mean waiting, but it will be worth it in the long run if you both are able to enter parenthood from a place of mutual trust and respect. I mean, in the long run, you're going to have the kid for the rest of your life. You're not going to remember if you waited an extra couple of months to get pregnant. You will remember the support of your partner though.

I think that when we're ttc, it's really easy to feel like it's now or never. But, it's not. And, I will say, as someone who is both becoming a single parent by choice and negotiating a relationship with a partner who's ambivalent about children, pregnancy is a *very* emotional time, and you will need the important people in your life to be available to support you. Believe me when I say that the roller coaster of emotions only starts with the inseminations...

Anyway, I do think that if you're able to find a therapist who can help you both negotiate some of your issues and fears around this process, it will be a good thing. It sounds like your partner needs something and is having trouble articulating just what that is. Trying to create open spaces for dialogue is hugely important- don't let the process of ttc become this time bomb that's preventing you both from finding the space and support you need.

[wannabemoms]

I'm not very good at waiting either. Once I make a decision to do something, I throw myself into it completely until the goal is reached. But maybe that's what we need to do. siiiiiigh. I don't want to bring a kid into the world if her reaction to a BFP is going to be "oh crap". Maybe we need to wait until the debt is completely gone (maybe another year) and the upstairs has been recarpeted, etc. etc. The "we can't afford it" thing bugs me sometimes though...especially since we have a great combined income, we're on a good budget, and she does things like buys 100$ sound cards for her new computer without talking to me about it first (helloo, that's 1/5 of a vial of sperm! Or a used crib!!) My fear is that she also doesn't want to be "too old" when she has kids. She's 38 now. I'm 28. I seriously don't think she'd entertain the idea of starting a family once she's 40. I know lots of people do, but ... I just don't think she'd go for it. So I know right now may not be the "ideal" time, but I honestly don't think such a thing really exists...there's always going to be some way in which we could be more prepared. I'm just afraid that our very small window of opportunity is closing quickly.

[snoopy13]

Originally Posted by wannabemoms

I'm not very good at waiting either. Once I make a decision to do something, I throw myself into it completely until the goal is reached. But maybe that's what we need to do. siiiiiigh. I don't want to bring a kid into the world if her reaction to a BFP is going to be "oh crap".

Dear WannaBeMom -- I'm so sorry, this must be so painful. I was/am very much in your position in my relationship, and my partner was/does act in similar ways. Couples counseling has been absolutely essential in helping us work this out, but I can only imagine how hard it must be for this to come up just as you are ready to start. It must be extra hard if she was the one to initiate all this.

When my partner and I met, I was in the process of preparing as a single parent to conceive or adopt. She had not been planning on parenting. To make a long story shorter (feel free to PM me for more details if you think its helpful), we delayed starting for over a year from when i would have wanted to start.

To be honest, I had a BFP a few days ago, and her first response was pretty much "oh crap..." the FIRST thing that came to her mind was fears of losing her job if she takes parental leave. it was SO out of left field (except for the fact that she worries about her job a lot) that it was clear to me that it was NOT about the job. It was about fear, period. She has a really hard family history that may feed the fears.

For about 1/2 the day, she was irritable and snitty. But I waited it out, and she is getting more excited by the day, and we have been able to have some pretty direct and clear talks about 1) that she was behaving badly because of her fear and 2) she has to find ways to work on her fear, it's not something that I can solve for her.

There's no way we'd be this far along without the counseling. We've been going pretty casually, like every 2-3 weeks, but for a while. And it's helped our communication in much more than just the kid discussion.

I wonder if a little time apart (even for a few hours, like the length of a movie or a good long walk) could give you each a little breathing room?

For whatever's its worth, I just turned 40 three weeks ago. I've inseminated twice and conceived both times, the first didn't implant and I'm now on the third day since my positive test and feeling very hopeful. And it was all DIY, at home. She did the first 5 rounds of insemination and maybe conceived once and her period came a few days late, but nothing caught hold.

I was pretty frantic about wanting to start as soon as possible (my partner and I were both up for inseminating, but she's only 6 months younger than me) but the counseling really helped me chill out on the timing so my partner could start to "catch up" emotionally.

i wish you the very best wishes for finding some peace of mind in this very hard moment, as impossible as it may seem.

jd

[frog]

Originally Posted by wannabemoms

So I know right now may not be the "ideal" time, but I honestly don't think such a thing really exists...there's always going to be some way in which we could be more prepared.

Also true.

When I met turtle, I was planning to ttc or adopt as a single woman (waves to snoopy, with whom I didn't know I had this in common!) and turtle jumped right on board. We did our first insem after being together for five months.

More time was good for us. I wish I knew what to tell you, other than to keep talking.

[wannabemoms]

Thanks gals. Snoopy, I know that a lot of this does have to do with fear...of being rejected by the child or by our family (as not the "real" mom)...of not being a good, stable parent (her family was pretty disfunctional and abusive when she was growing up)...of not knowing what her role is in this process and being left out...of being able to cope with the stresses and unpredictability of kids...of getting hurt...of making mistakes, of not being prepared enought, of not being able to give our kids what they want (she grew up quite poor). I know that these things, compounded by the fear of financial security being an issue, are the root of the problems. Will she say these things to me? I don't know. Yes, fear is a big issue here. I feel powerless to help her feel more secure...I really don't know if there's anything I could do.
I may try to ask her what her thoughts are about counselling. The last time (maybe a few years ago) I brought it up, she was really against it and said that couples counselling was a shortcut to divorce. That said, she did work with a therapist one on one for a number of years before we were together so she's not opposed to the idea of therapy in general.
I don't know. I want to talk to her about this. I want her to TELL me what she actually wants instead of me trying to guess (I'm a terrible mind-reader most of the time). Part of me thinks I should make the decision to pull the plug on this for now...but that seems like a big decision to make all by myself.
Thank you for listening and offering advice. It has helped a lot. I am still feeling anxious about going home and not knowing what to expect.

[simplelah]

Originally Posted by frog

It was really, really hard for me to chill out and wait. I'm very bad at waiting, even if it's the right thing.

You sound just like me. Wow.

[snoopy13]

honestly, one of the things that happened while we were waiting was that i got hit with a mystery auto-immune thing and most of my body went numb after months of freaky symptoms -- so i was distracted by that, and then on these neurological drugs that turned out to be anxiety-zappers -- it was part of the way i was able to cope with waiting!!!!!! and then by the time i went off the drugs, we'd started trying to conceive...

It is SO HARD TO BE PATIENT. especially when feeling SO READY!!!! and to also know that a partner is really scared and hurting but making excuses that don't ring true.

I've been to couples counselors in bad relationships where they basically help you come to your senses and break up... going to a couple's counselor in a GOOD relationship has been FANTASTIC! every time we go, it's like a big bouncy springboard that helps our good relationship get even better -- I was really upset at first at thinking I'd have to go to counseling AGAIN and like it was a red flag for break-up -- but truly it has been really really helpful.

jd

[kjm]

Wanna I'm sorry you are going through this. I wanted to drop a quick line to say that the cold feet is common, we had a huge blow out right before we started. Our blowout resulted in us going to see a "Queer Friendly" couples counselor. We went and saw her once, hyper processed and opened up alot to each other in between appointments, went to see her again, caught her up on our current status, she told us we were moving too fast and should put off starting to inseminate. We left her office furious, explained to each other all the reasons she was dead wrong, fired her ass and inseminated 2 weeks later. Some wold say the therapist as our common enemy brought the 2 of us together, others would say she might have been using reverse psychology--this one I don't believe at ALL--she seemed very arrogant and like she knew more about our relationship then we did. Regardless of it all the fact of the matter is the TTC process has brought us closer togetehr then we ever imagined. So here's to hoping